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Old 07-13-2010, 11:12 PM   #1
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Default Girls all over me, never had a relationship.

(I'd like to preface this thread with: I'm not trying to be pretentious, I just don't know how else to word this)

Despite my clinical depression, anxiety attacks and demophobia(fear of crowds) I'm very popular. Everyone knows me. Anywhere I go I run into someone who knows me from somewhere or someone. Couch, is what I am to them.
I'm a really popular guy. So much so that often times, I don't like it. I literally can not go out without being recognized by someone, and a lot of the time, it's someone that I don't recognize/remember because I meet so many new people every week, and most of the time I go out(due to social anxiety) I was intoxicated when I met these people.
One thing that sucks the most about being so popular is that I have girls all over me. "I love you!" "You're so cool!" "Everyone loves Couch"
I go to this concert series in my city every week in the summer, and as I walk down Main street I get stopped every 30 yards for a hug and a conversation. A lot of the time, its a cute girl talking to me, and some times they're girls that I have interest in, but I'm never able to turn this into any kind of relationship past a friendship. I don't know... I get so many signals and I have no idea how to interpret them.
I'm really book smart and I can run mental circles around most of my professors, but I can't ****ing make the jump into asking someone out. I'm 20 years old and despite being so popular, I've been alone my whole life. I've never been in a relationship, never been on a date.
I don't even know where I'm going with this thread. I just need to get it out of my head.
I guess I'd rather be completely ignored by girls than have this weekly tease deal. Sucks.
I realize that my personality is attractive, it has to be or else I wouldn't be in this situation, but I also realize that my body is a lot less attractive(to non FFAs... I've only met one FFA and she's been in a relationship for nearly 4 years now) so I don't know how to make them outweigh the weight with the rest of me. And I don't know how to TELL when they already have done that.
Plus I'm literally broke all the time, like I-don't-have-2-dimes-to-rub-together-broke so I can't even take a girl out on a legit date even if I could/did ask one out.
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Old 07-13-2010, 11:25 PM   #2
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What I get from reading your post is that you are unable to form relationships beyond anything superficial. Sure, your mini-celebrity might be great for your ego, but it does nothing in the way of forming meaningful relationships. Maybe your "outgoing" personality is more of a facade. Once you are forced to confront a situation where you might have to step out of your comfort zone and take a chance, you become a shrinking violet.

Now, this is all conjecture of course. I don't know you personally and have never interacted in person with you. That being said, you also state that your weight must be holding you back. You clearly have a mentality that a girl will automatically reject you because of your weight. If you are going into conversations with this mental conditioning of outright rejection, you will more than likely not be willing to subject yourself to potential humiliation.

While FFA's are a great and special treat for us large guys, they aren't the be all and end all. If you have the personality you claim to, then you should have no problem winning a young gal over. From a personal standpoint, I have been with exactly two FFA's in my twenty five years on earth. I have been with plenty more girls than that and I know for a fact that many of them were not FFA's; insofar as they would bemoan my weight out of caring for my health.

Would it be easier to know a girl likes you outright because she identifies as an FFA? Sure. But life is about taking a risk. So you are couch. Learn to love it. If people are stopping you then you have something happening. Parlay it into coffee with a girl. Don't make it a romantic dinner or something complicated. Most other college students are just as broke as you. Something simple would be expected.

Just do some soul searching and find out what it is that is stopping you from making the connections you would like to. I guarantee you that you weight is a very minor hindrance in sharing yourself with others. Any girl worth her weight will be open to getting to know a charming, intelligent guy.
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Old 07-14-2010, 12:30 AM   #3
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If you want to get laid then start teasing back..random hugs from big guys are always fun.

If you want a relationship tease but worry about sorting your shit out. Worry about getting a better education or perfecting your skill to make the money to buy the car, to pay for the bachelor pad, to woo the girl of choice, to pay for wedding bands, to pay for the wedding, to pay for the honeymoon in Vegas (wink wink), to pay for your new home together, to pay for kids.......etc.

Personally, I wish I thought about that stuff when I was your age..lol. So enjoy the single life mayane and while you busy getting your shit together (working hard and playing hard) you'll most likely bump into a few loves along the way to your thirties.
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Old 07-14-2010, 02:49 AM   #4
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First I say, listen to Chicken Legs.

2nd I say watch Fight Club and let it sink in, little gems like:

"You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis."
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Old 07-14-2010, 03:01 AM   #5
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Smile escapist is right however

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Originally Posted by escapist View Post
First I say, listen to Chicken Legs.

2nd I say watch Fight Club and let it sink in, little gems like:

"You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis."
From what I have heard and seen in various different job titles and the talk men and women talk about, it would appear that they want someone with money and a good home and looks good and well groomed and drive a nice car. All of this is fine and dandy but, I said, the real person is the person inside and not what that particular person has in a bank or what he drives.

I have a wonderful straight roommate who kind and considerate and puts up with me and I see so many wonderful things about him namely his character and his willingness to go the distance and because he is just a trucker and drives older car and not the greatest looker in the world, women ignore him and I find that to be so sad. At times, I wish he would look at me and forget women but that is another issue.

The point of this thread is that dont judge a person by what they have or the position they hold in the chosen career....
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Old 07-14-2010, 05:58 AM   #6
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All the advice above has been good. I just want to give you some advice for when, and I say when because I have faith in you, when you get to the point of being ready to ask them out. If they friend zone you, here is what you need to do.

You need to sit down and think. You need to think long and hard (mind out of the gutter) about what you really want with this girl, because this next part could be exceedingly difficult if you're not sure you ABSOLUTELY want a relationship with the girl. Because if you don't, you could burn a bridge that might not get rebuilt.

The next step is a tricky one. You go up the object of your affection, and you tell them, point blank, that you have plenty of friends (which, luckily for you, you do), but you thought enough of her that you wanted to take it to the next level with her. So you either want to be in a relationship with her, or nothing.

Here's the hardest part. If she says no. You walk. It's called "Taking The L" as in a wins and losses column board for any sport. You just take that L and you move on.

Now, before anyone tries to say any bull about this method forcing someone into a relationship or being emotional blackmail or something, look...if the girl already KNOWS you like her, but has chosen to friend zone you, that's fucked up on her part. This method just gets everything out on front street, because like I said, you have to think long and hard before you do this if you REALLY want the relationship.
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Old 07-14-2010, 06:30 AM   #7
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at 20 years old women aren't concerned with income, they're concerned with having a good time.

And don't worry about relationships, at your age, they're more trouble than they're worth. Find whatever makes you happy and realize if you had a g/f she'd probably wouldn't let you do it anymore, whatever it is. And don't be desperate! Women can smell desperation and to them it smells like fermenting pig ass.

but if you stiiiiiiiill just want a lady then go and rent the Tao of Steve. Movie about a BHM who gets laid all of the time. it totally works too.
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Old 07-14-2010, 06:44 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by theronin23 View Post
All the advice above has been good. I just want to give you some advice for when, and I say when because I have faith in you, when you get to the point of being ready to ask them out. If they friend zone you, here is what you need to do.

You need to sit down and think. You need to think long and hard (mind out of the gutter) about what you really want with this girl, because this next part could be exceedingly difficult if you're not sure you ABSOLUTELY want a relationship with the girl. Because if you don't, you could burn a bridge that might not get rebuilt.

The next step is a tricky one. You go up the object of your affection, and you tell them, point blank, that you have plenty of friends (which, luckily for you, you do), but you thought enough of her that you wanted to take it to the next level with her. So you either want to be in a relationship with her, or nothing.

Here's the hardest part. If she says no. You walk. It's called "Taking The L" as in a wins and losses column board for any sport. You just take that L and you move on.

Now, before anyone tries to say any bull about this method forcing someone into a relationship or being emotional blackmail or something, look...if the girl already KNOWS you like her, but has chosen to friend zone you, that's fucked up on her part. This method just gets everything out on front street, because like I said, you have to think long and hard before you do this if you REALLY want the relationship.
I'll have to agree with Ronin, really. I mean, from what you've said, Bearsy, girls tend to take you for granted, and you just seem to be waiting for one of them to make the first move. Yeah, his method does seem a little forceful, but at least you won't get a girl to go out with you because she feels she owes you a 'pity date'.

As for what Chicken said about figuring out your own life before getting in a relationship... she's very right. As much as I'd like to say that a stunning personality will get you the girl, that's only a short term idea. The chick might fall for you, but will (most probably) eventually get annoyed by the fact that you're not responsible for yourself, so to speak. I've had to help out my last boyfriend, and it definitely didn't make him go up in my esteem. It's not that you have to pay everything for the girl, and most are fine with splitting costs, just as long as you're able to manage yourself is fine.
Not to mention, juggling a relationship and organizing your life can be a real headache. You need to remember which is most important, in the long run.

Now, when it comes to girls' teasing, and constantly hugging... yeah, that sucks. I think they probably don't even stop to think that those action might have a lasting effect on you either.
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Old 07-14-2010, 07:07 AM   #9
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Wait...someone agreed with me?!

Alert the media!
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Old 07-14-2010, 07:16 AM   #10
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Definately very important to figure out your life before involving someone else however on saying that there are certain things we learn about ourselves that we only learn from being in a relationship

Also are you aware that many dates dont have to cost a cent or can cost very little you mention a summer concert series, taking a picnic to that is a pretty romantic date and you can make the stuff yourself thus keeping costs down, there are soo many ways to date that are fun, and romantic without being expensive and the more imagination you put into it the more the woman you are with will appreciate it many museums and art galleries have one free day a month or times where it is cheaper to go, fishing, the beach oh sooo many things are free well worth keeping up with what is going on around you as many communities host free events and such

hugs Bearsy youw ill navigate your way through this the best way is to flirt back a little and see where it leads you
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Old 07-14-2010, 07:31 AM   #11
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Remember that the physical to the mainstream doesnt guarantee rejection. Im a conventionally attractive (not to be egotistical) woman who will be certified to teach yoga, and I've been rejected or dumped countless times in the past 3 years. Dont let weight or conventional thoughts about weight get in the way.

Just follow everyone elses advice and doo eet. Fortune favours the bold and even if you get rejected, well, at least you tried.

First, Id recommend working out your mental health issues. You cant be in a healthy relationship with others unless your healthy yourself.

Good luck Bearsy. You are adorable and the board loves you!
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Old 07-14-2010, 07:44 AM   #12
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I'm not fat, but I used to get like this all the time. My main tips would be to find the right balance of how long you've known them before you ask them out - after one or two meetings. Definitely not when you're good friends.

Also, don't get obsessive. I've lost quite a lot of potential dates in the pas due to worrying. Just bite the bullet and ask.
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Old 07-14-2010, 07:54 AM   #13
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Here is what struck me about your post. You have social anxiety, and in fact when going out to parties or whatever it is bad enough that you self-medicate with alcohol to the point of blurry (or non-existent) memories. And you talking about how to connect with the women that you met at those places.

Now, people are funny old things, and just like you, some of the women there may not be much of a fan of that scene. But overall people at parties and clubs are there because they want to be there, and if they got a good impression from you, it was when you were in party mode (conscious thought optional). It seems to me that these would not, on average, be the best pool of people from whom to meet a solid girlfriend?

Cutting to another way of looking at it: In your ideal world, what would you be doing with your girlfriend (once you’ve left the bedroom)? For that matter, do you want someone with whom you do a lot of things together, or someone where you connect in the evenings but largely live your own lives? Or….at this point do you just want a little bit of dating, with nothing too serious or long term, while you figure out what it is that you want? Or…..at this point do you just really want some sex, and once that drive is not quite so distracting then you can try and figure out the rest of it?

My theory on making good, strong, long term connections is:
1- be the person you want to be.
2- meet a lot of people of the type you are interested in, in manner compatible with 1.
3- build on what you have in common with people
4- be open to things happening, and willing to take a few chances.

So if the guy you want to be is out hiking and biking and kayaking, join a club that does a lot of outdoor activities, where you’ll meet some number of women who are into that sort of thing. If you are more of a book worm, take some literature classes while at college, look for book readings of authors you might enjoy, even consider volunteering at the library. If you are passionate about some cause, join the appropriate group(s) and take part in what they are doing. Etc, etc, etc.

In some cases you may need to adapt a little bit…if you like making things by hand, woodworking or auto repair may not be too promising for meeting many women, but consider taking a pottery course maybe? The key is finding a combination of ‘doing something that you will enjoy and show yourself to advantage when doing’ and ‘an activity where you’ll meet at least a few eligible women.’

As you keep doing things with people, you have time to get to know each other more, to send and receive signals, to take little chances and see how it goes.

On a much more specific thing, I’d take a chance and get a hair cut. A very symbolic thing saying you are turning over a new leaf. Combine it with making whatever other changes you need to make in order to focus more on your own interests and meeting people who share some of them.

(FWIW, I consider this sort of the opposite of the classic pick-up artist kind of thing. Focusing on a fairly small number of more promising contacts, rather than skimming through a large number of more random ones. Both can work, but I think you need to go with your own personality as to which is better for you).

ETA: lack of money should be only a minor hindrance when meeting people of like mind....and the parties and clubs can't be free? So a little less of that and you should have a little money for something else?
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Old 07-14-2010, 06:48 PM   #14
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Default good example of typical women

not to say they are all like the ones I will post but they are out there..

Anna Nicole Smith....

New York...from vh1 or mtv forget

girls from the jersey shore...

playboy bunnies at the penthouse...

have you ever seen a very attractive woman with a older broke man in real life? Not to say they do not exist but really, get real I say. Women and Men I have encounters (especially in the gay community) money and looks and presitage and location are all big things.

But maybe I am just a cynic and find relationships to be for the most part a big waste of time and I try very hard to avoid them at all cost...
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Old 07-14-2010, 06:53 PM   #15
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not to say they are all like the ones I will post but they are out there..

Anna Nicole Smith....

New York...from vh1 or mtv forget

girls from the jersey shore...

playboy bunnies at the penthouse...

have you ever seen a very attractive woman with a older broke man in real life? Not to say they do not exist but really, get real I say. Women and Men I have encounters (especially in the gay community) money and looks and presitage and location are all big things.

But maybe I am just a cynic and find relationships to be for the most part a big waste of time and I try very hard to avoid them at all cost...
Not that I want to be a feminist cunt, but that you say a "typical woman" is Anna Nicole Smith and Jersey Shore chicks...
Exactly how many women do you know well?
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Old 07-14-2010, 07:01 PM   #16
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Not that I want to be a feminist cunt, but that you say a "typical woman" is Anna Nicole Smith and Jersey Shore chicks...
Exactly how many women do you know well?
SERIOUSLY FUKN TOUCHE' BIONIC........how far off base is that

IC i think LikeItMatters must be a ghost put here to rile the masses with his
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Old 07-14-2010, 07:04 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by HDANGEL15 View Post
SERIOUSLY FUKN TOUCHE' BIONIC........how far off base is that

IC i think LikeItMatters must be a ghost put here to rile the masses with his

Damn right, HD. Come one, let's get out of here and go find some guidos and overdose on the drugs we're hiding in our big hair.
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Old 07-14-2010, 07:06 PM   #18
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I've never met any woman even close to the women you just described.

Probably because I hang out with classy dames.
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Old 07-14-2010, 07:23 PM   #19
likeitmatters
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Smile oh well

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Originally Posted by HDANGEL15 View Post
SERIOUSLY FUKN TOUCHE' BIONIC........how far off base is that

IC i think LikeItMatters must be a ghost put here to rile the masses with his
not trying to rile anyone....but I do see women I work with and I was using them as examples...and for the record I know plenty of women thank you.

and the young ladies I have in the new class I am taking at my new position, are twenty something and they are telling me the same thing over and over, that they want a man who has a job and money and a nice car etc...and I try to explain to them that they should look inside and see what the man is really like..but they do not seem to get it at all which is understandable.
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Last edited by likeitmatters; 07-14-2010 at 07:27 PM. Reason: needed to add a few more.
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Old 07-14-2010, 07:30 PM   #20
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not trying to rile anyone....but I do see women I work with and I was using them as examples...and for the record I know plenty of women thank you.

and the young ladies I have in the new class I am taking at my new position, are twenty something and they are telling me the same thing over and over, that they want a man who has a job and money and a nice car etc...and I try to explain to them that they should look inside and see what the man is really like..but they do not seem to get it at all which is understandable.
You are gay, they know this.

1) Girl not around gay man - I want a guy who is handsome, loyal, driven...

2) Girl around gay man - I want a rich man, lol
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Old 07-14-2010, 07:31 PM   #21
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Hey, I'm gonna say that all normal women are goldiggers only after a man with a good job, house, etc.

But no, I'm not here to offend anyone.
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Old 07-14-2010, 07:35 PM   #22
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not trying to rile anyone....but I do see women I work with and I was using them as examples...and for the record I know plenty of women thank you.

and the young ladies I have in the new class I am taking at my new position, are twenty something and they are telling me the same thing over and over, that they want a man who has a job and money and a nice car etc...and I try to explain to them that they should look inside and see what the man is really like..but they do not seem to get it at all which is understandable.
Inside is nice and all, but you don't want a guy who's doing nothing with himself, has no job, and can't carry any responsibility, no matter how sunny his personality is. Else you've just got a bum who is being dependent on you. None of them really want a billionaire, just a guy who can take care of himself.

Honestly, likeitmatters, I've had a lot of trouble putting up with what you've posted in the past. That you've said, on a public board frequented by many intelligent, successful, caring women that the typical female is a blonde bimbo who is only after money and drugs is incredibly disrespectful.

Stop being so closed-minded and turn off your television. I promise it'll help.
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Old 07-14-2010, 07:38 PM   #23
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Hey, I'm gonna say that all normal women are goldiggers only after a man with a good job, house, etc.

But no, I'm not here to offend anyone.
Sorry Paquito my ex was unemployed for the first 6 months of our relationship and I diddnt push him to find work we just shared expensis and when he was working he took me on fancier (well dinner and a movie) dates and stuff

I have always believed in looking at who a person is rather than what they look like or how much money they have in the bank. It is about how you treat someone when your with them and who you are I think that is far more important, I hate it that the consensus is that all women are gold diggers its like saying all men want is big boobs its a crap generalisation!!!

Sorry Paquito but that really irritates me
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Old 07-14-2010, 07:38 PM   #24
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Smile the women I posted...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paquito View Post
Hey, I'm gonna say that all normal women are goldiggers only after a man with a good job, house, etc.

But no, I'm not here to offend anyone.
if what I mentioned is not true, please tell me otherwise....that way I can be corrected. And yes they know I am gay and they do not mind because they know they wont have snide remarks and such thrown at them.

A real woman will look beyond the outer and the material things and not judge them for the lack of. You do not need to believe me which is fine, I am just posting what I have seen in the real world.
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Old 07-14-2010, 07:39 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by spiritangel View Post
Sorry Paquito my ex was unemployed for the first 6 months of our relationship and I diddnt push him to find work we just shared expensis and when he was working he took me on fancier (well dinner and a movie) dates and stuff

I have always believed in looking at who a person is rather than what they look like or how much money they have in the bank. It is about how you treat someone when your with them and who you are I think that is far more important, I hate it that the consensus is that all women are gold diggers its like saying all men want is big boobs its a crap generalisation!!!

Sorry Paquito but that really irritates me

could not have said it better....that is the way of the world....
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