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Old 07-22-2010, 06:04 PM   #1
calauria
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Default It Still Feels Like Rape..

There have been times when I gave into having sex with a man just so I wouldn't become violently raped and at least he would use a condom. Yes, I did try to get away and fought them, but they were stronger than me. And the more I fought, the more violent they would become, so I just gave in.

Afterwards, I would feel confused about whether I should call the police or not. Wouldn't they see it as consensual sex, since I gave in? I didn't see what choice I had, but have sex with them or get beat up and raped anyway or possibly killed. In the end, I've always decided not to call. But it still felt like I've been raped. Even though I gave in. I felt like I didn't have control over my own body. Even if I said "no" they were going to find a way to do it anyway. That was what sex was like in my 20's on up until my 30s and I left the father of my children. Most of the time with him, I had sex with him just so he wouldn't become violent. Yes, it was a domestic violence situation with him...

Now, I no longer trust a man if he wants our 1st date to be at a place where we are alone. That is just a set up for being raped. I've been through it too many times to know. I once had a guy I was dating who put something in my drink while he went to buy it when we were watching a movie at the theater. I've had all types of tricks pulled on me.

Just like in clubs. A lot of guys don't dance with the ladies there. They just stand by the sidelines and watch them dance with each other, wait for them to get a little drunk, then dance with them and try to take advantage of them. I've been through it and seen it happen many times.
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Old 07-22-2010, 06:19 PM   #2
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I have to second all of that and it is the reason I am not comfortable going out in bars anymore. It's been the case of me as well. It feels like rape because it feels like we don't have a choice. I think it IS a form of rape. But I dunno for sure.

I only go to gay bars now, and don't trust anyone around my drinks. I go to small ones at that. It's the only environment I feel comfortable around because I'm friends with more than half the people who go to this bar. But that's it.

I haven't gone out on a date because of this in a long time, too. I don't trust dark and alone places anymore.
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Old 07-22-2010, 06:28 PM   #3
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This is what some people refer to as 'rape lite,' consenting to sex with someone to keep them from getting violent with you. I've had the experience twice in my life and never wanted to repeat it again. I'm so sorry you went through that degrading experience.

I hate that we still live in a culture where violence towards women is the norm. It sounds like you're using your head and trusting your gut, though, when it comes to dating. When I meet someone for the first time, I always make sure the date is in a public place and I never go home with them or invite them to mine. There was a time when I was not that safe with myself, though. I went home with a few guys, and on one occasion, met a very muscle-bound guy at a club who I went home with that night, after dancing and making out with him for maybe 2 hours. I was very young and immature at the time, but those actions could have resulted in serious tragedy for me. I'm very fortunate that they didn't. I remember telling my therapist about meeting the guy and going home with him the next time we had our therapy session. She very nearly flipped out and told me I could have been killed. I was young enough at the time to think no harm could ever come to me, but hearing my usually calm therapist flip out like that brought the issue home to me and I realized how careless I'd been. I think you're being very smart to make sure you're safe and not have a harmful experience again.
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Old 07-22-2010, 06:43 PM   #4
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Not that anyone has posted anything bad, but just want to remind all participants to be mindful of the sensitive nature of the topic and to please keep all responses as civil and constructive as possible. Thanks.

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Old 07-22-2010, 07:16 PM   #5
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I feel so bad that this has happened to yall. I dont have any similar experiences, but christ this is just awful. I was drugged a couple of times in a club setting. The first time I was with girlfriends who had the good sense to get me out of there and the second time, well I woke up in bed with a woman. Imagine that. Date raped by a girl.
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Old 07-22-2010, 07:48 PM   #6
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I feel extremely lucky as I have never really been into the whole bars, clubs getting drunk thing thus averting the whole drink spiking thing.

I do think that women should take self defence classes, and that there are things we can do to lesson the dangers although it is sad that in this day and age it is needed and that we are somehow made to feel less than in these sitchuations

I had a friend who when excessively drunk could be coaxed into having sex even if she diddnt want to then she would say well I figured it was easier than said guy asking over and over the sad part is everyone thought the sun shone out of this guys behind I thought it was on par with the rape thing because she was still not willing and not in a mindset to make that kind of decision and even before knowing this when I met him got sleezy energy from him.

my mother always taught me to have my house keys splayed between my fingers when walking home late at night (just in case I was attacked)

and pepper spray in my handbag (although I wouldnt even know where to get that but when all else fails perfume or other sprays work pretty well to or so I have heard)


My heart breaks when I hear these stories of what you have been through its traumatic and often has long long lasting effects and can often make it hard to let in someone who will and wants to love you because that trust issue is a huge one


I have always when meeting someone new met in a resteraunt/cafe where the drinks are bought to you and as I said I have never really been a nightclubby type girl so would never opt for that date

actually mostly have chosen lunch dates for first meetings, made my own way there and made sure at least 2-3 different people knew where I was going and who with.


It is so hard to have faith in the human race when these bad apples totally destroy lives and dont get called on it so then go on to repeat the cycle with other women, it takes true courage to report and press charges especially when you do you are made to feel like the person in the wrong. If it isnt classed as rape then it should be because I can totally understand the whole I cant do anything to stop this so want to at least be protected of further injury thoughts it is heartbreaking degrading and hard to imagine why it is so hard for victims to get the help they need and the justice they deserve
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Old 07-22-2010, 07:53 PM   #7
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Some guys, I don't know what to say about this guy. One night my friend and I went to ladies night at this really nice club on North Miami Beach.

I met this guy who just got here from Venezuela. He was nicely dressed, very handsome and he asked me to dance quite eloquently. We danced a bit, then went to sat at the bar, he bought me a drink and yeah I was watching him to make sure he did not put anything in it. But the drink was strong. I started to get a little tipsy. So, we went out to dance again and my friend joined us. He was dancing behind me. And you know what? This fool ejaculated on my dress!! I look down and saw it running down my dress!! And the thing was that people saw, but they acted like it was nothing!! I told my friend, but all she could say he was really cute. And, I should hold onto him. I think she was a little tipsy. And, she offered to drive him home. I couldn't believe it, just couldn't believe it.

On our way home. I told my friend to stop at a gas station, because I had to go to the restroom. This fool follows me into the restroom and pushed himself inside, before I could lock the door. He tried to make me have sex with him in there. I should have pissed on him!! I was fighting him and he wasn't stronger than I was, so I was able to push him out the door. Then when I came out, he was standing there, waiting for me, he grabbed me and we started wrestling and ended up falling into some bushes. Everyone was looking at us, including my friend, but no one help me, even though I was calling for help. So, I get away from him and get into the car, in the back seat, because my friend would not let me in the front. She thought I should sit with my friend. Didn't feel like arguing with her, wanted to go home, so I just got in, he gets in, beside me . I was too tired to fight anymore with him, so I didn't make a big fuss about him getting into the car. He puts his arms around me and embrace me like we were in love or something, are you kidding me? My friend asks for directions to his place and she drops him off. Before he gets out, he gives me his phone # and tells me to call him, he would like to see me again. I was like, Nigga please!

My friend was telling me I should call him, because he's really cute.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry about the events of that night. It was like a scene straight out of a black comedy!

I have loads of stories similar to this....
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Old 07-22-2010, 08:24 PM   #8
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Calauria, what an awful situation. I'm sorry you had to go through that and I'm sorry no one did or said anything beyond "he's a cutie, you should keep him." Ugh! What I might have done is called the club the next day, asked to speak to club management and told them about the guy's behavior. Not that they could really do anything about that specific guy (pardon me, major asshole), but it might give them a clue that they need to have better security when it comes to letting certain guests in the club.
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Old 07-22-2010, 08:37 PM   #9
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Calauria, what an awful situation. I'm sorry you had to go through that and I'm sorry no one did or said anything beyond "he's a cutie, you should keep him." Ugh! What I might have done is called the club the next day, asked to speak to club management and told them about the guy's behavior. Not that they could really do anything about that specific guy (pardon me, major asshole), but it might give them a clue that they need to have better security when it comes to letting certain guests in the club.
Thank you.

The reaction to the whole thing was like it was the norm. And, honestly going to clubs on South Beach this is the norm. But, it could be the age. This club was 21 and up, but there are more clubs that are developing with tighter age limits, like 25 and up clubs and there are some 30 and up, because people got tired of the craziness that goes on within the younger crowds. But, still this same craziness goes on within older crowds....
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Old 07-22-2010, 09:37 PM   #10
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Thank you.

The reaction to the whole thing was like it was the norm. And, honestly going to clubs on South Beach this is the norm. But, it could be the age. This club was 21 and up, but there are more clubs that are developing with tighter age limits, like 25 and up clubs and there are some 30 and up, because people got tired of the craziness that goes on within the younger crowds. But, still this same craziness goes on within older crowds....
Oh, definitely. Not to make light of this serious thread, but when I used to frequent fetish clubs more regularly, I remember going out one evening and seeing the vice principal of the school where I worked and his wife upstairs in the spanking room. He was probably in his 50s at the time. What was even more amusing was that he was in a vinyl skirt, bustier and heels. He looked smashing, too.
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Old 07-22-2010, 10:21 PM   #11
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Calauria, that's some really crazy shit and I'm sorry you had to experience it. These girls are not your friends. Friends would never do that to you.
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Old 07-23-2010, 06:05 AM   #12
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Cala - what you describe is rape, no question, no doubt. You didn't want it. You were coerced and threatened into it. It is rape and don't let a single fucking person tell you differently. I am so, so sorry you've had those experiences and also, that girl you call your friend, is a bitch and I hope you dropped her like the piece of shit she is

I used to go clubbing alone. I don't generally dance with guys when I go clubbing, mostly cos they all want to do that boring ass to penis wriggly dance crap and I have no time for that. I never had a bad experience till late last year when I ordered one fanta and then nearly passed out on the dance floor. I made it out the club to my car and locked myself in and passed out for 6 hours. I was just so numb - couldn't believe that had actually happened to me. I no longer go clubbing on my own - miss it but the risk is just not worth it. If you are ever in a situation where you feel taken advantage of, used, hurt, coerced, get yourself to the police station immediately. My sister has dealt with several young women who come into the hospital a week, a month, a year after their rape and ask her to examine them for physical evidence when there is zero left. I've never been raped so I don't want to sit here preaching at anybody, but even if you eventually agreed cos you were scared get to the police, get to the doc, get that physical evidence and then at least you'll have some kind of case to bring against these repulsive, women-hating men.
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Old 07-23-2010, 11:33 AM   #13
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" But, still this same craziness goes on within older crowds.... "

And it's not limited to clubbing either. This kind of thing can happen anywhere. The one time a guy tried to force himself on me in a really aggressive manner was during an event where I never dreamed I'd have to worry about being on guard against something like that. This was somebody I knew, somebody my friends knew, and I thought I was "safe" sitting on the tailgate of his truck having a quiet conversation out in the parking lot within sight of a building with over a hundred people inside. Next thing I know, he's on top of me, his tongue's in my mouth and he's using his free hand to get his pants open. I was able to get away and he didn't chase me. But I went to some of the people involved in organizing the event to let them know what the guy did. They blew it off as him just having too much to drink and getting carried away. I don't think they were trying to make light of it though, I honestly think they were just as shocked as I was that one of "us" would do something like that since we considered ourselves a pretty closely knit group of people. They warned him to behave and he was all apologies and everything and people started to keep a close eye on him just to be safe. But, after a while he did it to another woman. That time, a guy saw it happen and ran and pulled him off her. He was told to leave and never come back. Afterwards a few more women came forward and said he had made unwanted advances towards them too but since they pushed him away, they didn't feel as if it was anything to make a big deal about. Which was a pretty big reality check among people in this group because I have no doubt that eventually he would have succeeded. We realized that we had been really naive to assume we were all safe with each other simply because we were part of this group and that we'd really dodged a bullet. Individually among those of us he targeted, and as a group for having this predator around.

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Old 07-23-2010, 11:54 AM   #14
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Thank you for bringing up a emotional topic. I am so sorry this happened to you and continues to happen to women. I wish I could say I don't have friends that had this happen to them but I would be lying. I have a friend that went to a bar and called me crying in the early hours. She was drinking and didn't know how she ended up in the alley with two guys. I think as women we trust to much. I don't do the club or bar scene. Between friends experiences and a stalker that followed me home one night, I avoid going.

calauria do you still associate with those friends. You have been in some horrible situations and they did not try to help you.
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Old 07-23-2010, 10:30 PM   #15
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Gosh, you women are the most beautiful, supportive, loving, inspiring women I know of in this whole world. Thank you so much, for everything. I love you all!!
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Old 07-25-2010, 10:40 AM   #16
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i'm so sorry that this happened to you too. like Tracy said it goes on with the older crowd too. it almost happened to me a few weekss ago. i went out with a nice guy, or i thought he was. i have known him for a while so it wasn't as though he was a stranger. he was a bit younger than me. it was very casual and not even a date, just a friends outing. at the time i was interested in someone who lived very far away and he knew it. he helped me to get back to where i was staying because i wasn't doing well physically at the time. anyway he made a pass. and when i said no he tried to force me. he is much stronger than i am--especially now. i know in my heart he wouldn't have stopped if he didn't know me so well. we have too many important friends in common. he only stopped himself at the last moment. i think he also knew i was the type to report him. he said "let me stop before you think i'm a rapist". i think he was calculating all kinds of things in his head that made him stop. it really shook me since i haven't been in a situation like that since i was a teenager. i really doubt he would have tried it if i was physically stronger than i am. it just made me think how extra careful i have to be. i hate that feeling. why should i have to be so strong just to live in the world. on top of everything else when i called my guy to talk to someone about it he had an attitude. i didn't even get a chance to talk to him about it and i really needed to. i guess maybe that was the beginning of the end for us. i realized i don't need anybody i can't really talk to. whats the point of that? so now thats totally out of the question too.
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Old 07-25-2010, 02:57 PM   #17
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i'm so sorry that this happened to you too. like Tracy said it goes on with the older crowd too. it almost happened to me a few weekss ago. i went out with a nice guy, or i thought he was. i have known him for a while so it wasn't as though he was a stranger. he was a bit younger than me. it was very casual and not even a date, just a friends outing. at the time i was interested in someone who lived very far away and he knew it. he helped me to get back to where i was staying because i wasn't doing well physically at the time. anyway he made a pass. and when i said no he tried to force me. he is much stronger than i am--especially now. i know in my heart he wouldn't have stopped if he didn't know me so well. we have too many important friends in common. he only stopped himself at the last moment. i think he also knew i was the type to report him. he said "let me stop before you think i'm a rapist". i think he was calculating all kinds of things in his head that made him stop. it really shook me since i haven't been in a situation like that since i was a teenager. i really doubt he would have tried it if i was physically stronger than i am. it just made me think how extra careful i have to be. i hate that feeling. why should i have to be so strong just to live in the world. on top of everything else when i called my guy to talk to someone about it he had an attitude. i didn't even get a chance to talk to him about it and i really needed to. i guess maybe that was the beginning of the end for us. i realized i don't need anybody i can't really talk to. whats the point of that? so now thats totally out of the question too.
I'm sorry you had to go through this and you lost two friends in the process. Well, who you thought were your friends. *hugs* I think our society is complacent about how or young boys and men are behaving. It is more of a "boys will be boys" attitude, which I'm not buying!
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Old 07-26-2010, 12:52 PM   #18
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I'm sorry you had to go through this and you lost two friends in the process. Well, who you thought were your friends. *hugs* I think our society is complacent about how or young boys and men are behaving. It is more of a "boys will be boys" attitude, which I'm not buying!
Ugh. So true.

I'm sorry, but I don't need my boys to be boys. I need my boys to be men.

And real men use their strength to care for people, not to abuse others and get what they want at someone else's expense.
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Old 08-16-2010, 04:22 AM   #19
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first...calauria i am very sorry to hear you have been through such events inyour life. i can't even imagine how that must be...hopefully you are finding a professional to help you sort through these feelings and to help you deal with the aftermath.

i do have a question tho...why do you keep going back? i was reading the posts and had to wonder...if the clubs are so bad and lead to such ordeals...why do you keep going? i would steer far from them and find new ways to meet people if there was even a remote chance that i would be in an unsafe situation again.

we are the masters of our own destiny...don't steer yourself to disaster my dear.
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Old 08-16-2010, 11:38 AM   #20
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I know this isn't much consolation but I'm really and truely sorry for what these men have done. I wish I knew away to make this behavior stop but I don't. Reading these stories makes me sick with anger. The cruelty that hides within some is heartbreaking.

I've never gone as far as the men mentioned here but in my youth I will admit I drank too much and got too "touchy" with some women. I made advances on people who wanted nothing more that to have a good time and I'm very sorry for it. I just didn't know how uncomfortable I could make someone. It never dawned on that advances I saw as harmless could be interpreted another way.

I hope those people can forgive me and quickly forgot me. To all the women here I offer a humble but mostly pointless apology.
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Old 08-17-2010, 05:59 PM   #21
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first...calauria i am very sorry to hear you have been through such events inyour life. i can't even imagine how that must be...hopefully you are finding a professional to help you sort through these feelings and to help you deal with the aftermath.

i do have a question tho...why do you keep going back? i was reading the posts and had to wonder...if the clubs are so bad and lead to such ordeals...why do you keep going? i would steer far from them and find new ways to meet people if there was even a remote chance that i would be in an unsafe situation again.

we are the masters of our own destiny...don't steer yourself to disaster my dear.
You're right!! And I haven't been to a club in ages. Most of these things happened when I was in my late teens and 20's and into the South Beach club scene. I wanted to live the "glamorous life." Societies' "beautiful people" are very cut throat!! I was torn to pieces, since I was and still am an "average" looking girl. In that type of crowd, everything was based on looks and with them I just did not measure up.

And, there are a lot of "fashion model" type guys who are attracted to big girls, probably more than we realize, but the ones that I've encountered are not man enough to own up to it, they always wanted to be "secret lovers" or some crap like that.
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Old 08-30-2010, 10:34 PM   #22
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I did that once, kind of. I had known this jock for years, sweet Southern boy from a good family. I hadn't seen him since high school and he was super nice. He liked fat girls but wasn't open about it, I was 23 and should've known better. One night after to many shots I was gonna sleep on his couch and we were going to go swimming the next day. Simple. Some girls at the bar that night got mad 'cause we left together. He said fatties suck good cock. It was a joke, even back at his place with other people it was cute until he got nasty with it and put his dick in my hand instead of a beer. I had options, he wasn't so much bigger than me but he was fit and toned and I knew how violent he was, but we were friends and to my knowledge he had never hit a woman. So I tried to just get my bag, laugh it off and leave, that was a no go.

Lyle. I haven't thought about him in years..... He got naked and kept just...rubbing on me like a cat. horrid. He was so stuck on himself, and the whole time he kept telling me I liked it, and I wanted him, and even made me put my head under a pillow because I couldn't open my eyes and look at him. I really thought he would smother me when I wouldn't do what he kept saying would "help him nut". He even put his number in my phone while I just laid there waiting for him to sleep so i could leave. The morning after pill cut deep into my funds to. Bastard.

It was the next day when I had a massive headache and jaw clenches that I knew he spiked my drink.

Now....

I am the "fat troll" at the bars because I watch my girls like a hawk. I watched the drinks, I watched where they went and sometimes they wanted to fight because I wouldn't allow them out of my sight. Basically my bad experiences at clubs and bars ruin their good time. I don't care.
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Old 09-05-2010, 10:51 PM   #23
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This is my first post here, I've been coming here off and on for quite some time. I just had to say something after reading this thread. These "guys" who treat you like this are not "men". Those of us who believe a woman makes a man and vice-versa could no more act like these animals then could a pig fly.

I apologize to all of you for the morons of my gender.
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Old 09-07-2010, 08:31 PM   #24
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I did that once, kind of. I had known this jock for years, sweet Southern boy from a good family. I hadn't seen him since high school and he was super nice. He liked fat girls but wasn't open about it, I was 23 and should've known better. One night after to many shots I was gonna sleep on his couch and we were going to go swimming the next day. Simple. Some girls at the bar that night got mad 'cause we left together. He said fatties suck good cock. It was a joke, even back at his place with other people it was cute until he got nasty with it and put his dick in my hand instead of a beer. I had options, he wasn't so much bigger than me but he was fit and toned and I knew how violent he was, but we were friends and to my knowledge he had never hit a woman. So I tried to just get my bag, laugh it off and leave, that was a no go.

Lyle. I haven't thought about him in years..... He got naked and kept just...rubbing on me like a cat. horrid. He was so stuck on himself, and the whole time he kept telling me I liked it, and I wanted him, and even made me put my head under a pillow because I couldn't open my eyes and look at him. I really thought he would smother me when I wouldn't do what he kept saying would "help him nut". He even put his number in my phone while I just laid there waiting for him to sleep so i could leave. The morning after pill cut deep into my funds to. Bastard.

It was the next day when I had a massive headache and jaw clenches that I knew he spiked my drink.

Now....

I am the "fat troll" at the bars because I watch my girls like a hawk. I watched the drinks, I watched where they went and sometimes they wanted to fight because I wouldn't allow them out of my sight. Basically my bad experiences at clubs and bars ruin their good time. I don't care.
Gosh!! I'm so sorry you had to go through this. *hugs*
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Old 09-14-2010, 06:43 PM   #25
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I don't know how welcome this will be, what with me being a man, but i am truly sorry for any of you who have experienced this, it should never have happened, no woman deserves anything like that. I have such admiration for you ladies for being able to talk about it and highlight it, people need to see it i guess, thank you for sharing it, it may not be a pleasant topic but if it helped one person not to feel she was the only one in the world it had happened to then it's done a great service. I'm honoured to be witness to such courage!

I'm also angry too though, at the disgracefull excuses for men who would be like that, talk about getting violent, i'd like to teach them all some respect. I know violence wont solve anything but it makes me so angry to hear that a man would betray his fellow men, and fellow human beings like this. I apologise on behalf of all decent men, for whatever good that would do, and again, a applaud all of your amazing strength and courage
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