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Old 07-28-2010, 08:11 AM   #1
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Default Sharing a pace of life

It's always been my conjecture that in order for two people to mesh and get along in the long term, they must have at least a somewhat compatible pace of life.

If one partner is a party animal who considers an evening without some sort of social engagement torture whereas the other partner revels in peace and quiet at home, then there will be problems.

If one partner's idea of truly great time is rock climbing and backpacking whereas the other prefers reading and board games, there will be problems.

There are any number of other lifestyles, hobbies and leanings that, when not shared or at least accommodated, can result in eventual alienation and a diminishing of the relationship.

FAs may face two additional issues. The first is that a fat partner may inherently seek a fast pace of life but there may be physical limitations. That can really be frustrating for a fat person and affect the general outlook on life. The second is that the FA may have an inherently fast pace of life that cannot be shared by a fat partner.

So overall, I think it is important for partners to have a similar pace of life where neither feels pressured and/or unfulfilled.

How do you see all this, and has if affected your life?
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Old 07-28-2010, 12:28 PM   #2
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I am glad you brought this up as it has been on my mind a lot lately. This is yet another reason why I am very reluctant to make fantasy a reality. Also, a question for those FA's that are very active. Would you be willing to include her and teach her more about your active lifestyle?

For example, I was never into sports as a child but now that I am older I love being active (hiking, lifting weights, swimming) and I work out 5 days a week. My problem is that I like active men, but typically, active men like skinny women. So I feel that I am screwed because the type of men I do like don't want to be seen with a chunky girl and the FA/feeders cannot be happy with a robust woman who has no desire to live out her fantasies (i.e. gain weight). If I could find an active FA who would take me by the hand and show me his world I would be the happiest girl on the planet. I would love to learn to rock climb! We could even wrestle together. I promise I would let him pin me, though.
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Old 07-28-2010, 12:37 PM   #3
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I would agree. In my case, I'm an introverted person which means that I enjoy spending quiet time to myself and/or with my partner. We don't always need to talk; sometimes if he's on the computer and I'm reading a book for a few hours, or we're just hanging out, watching tv together, that works for me. That's not to say I don't like going out and engaging with other people, but not as much as a more extroverted person does. I don't need to be in contact with others constantly, or go out to do something every weekend. And after I've gone out and interacted with people, I need some downtime to 'recharge my batteries,' so to speak, and I prefer that my partner is understanding of that and maybe feels the same way. I've had a few extroverted partners in the past and generally found that our differing energy levels sometimes caused problems in the relationship.

I also think it's important to share some interests with your partner. I don't mean that I want my partner to like exactly the same things that I do, but I think it's important to have several interests in common. For example, I'm not an outdoorsy gal. I don't mind a walk in the park or a picnic at the beach on occasion, but I'm not into the hiking, biking, wilderness camping thing. If that's something my partner likes to do a lot, that's going to cause problems in the relationship. I want to be able to spend time with my partner, and if he's going out hiking every weekend, that's not something I'll want to share with him all the time. I wouldn't have an issue with it on occasion, but if it's an all the time thing, that won't work for me.

That said, though, I think compromise is important. I once dated a guy whose taste in movies was very different from mine. We could never agree on what we wanted to see. He tended to like the big budget action flicks, and I preferred smaller, indie flicks and weird, quirky movies. One weekend we got into an argument because he wanted to go see Volcano (if anyone remembers that one, with Tommy Lee Jones and Anne Heche, about an active volcano underneath Los Angeles) and I wanted to see Anaconda (ok, I know, don't judge me on taste; I thought it looked like a fun B-movie creature feature). In the end, we agreed to compromise: if I went to go see Volcano with him, he'd see Anaconda with me. So we did and it turned out to be fun. His movie choice was also better than mine, I have to give him that, but I never would have told him to his face. Heh.
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Old 07-28-2010, 02:07 PM   #4
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This really is an important issue in a relationship. A friend of mine would often fight with his ex-boyfriend because the boyfriend was really into healthy eating and working out...and my friend, less so. But more than just that, my friend worked really hard during the week and really likes vegging out for hours watching TV on the weekends, and then going out at night. His boyfriend felt like that was a waste of time and wanted to be out at the beach or hiking or shopping. When it's stuff like that on such a daily level - compatibility is so important.

And I think you bring up a good point, Conrad, that for people who are not into being physically active, it can be a sticking point of compatibility if their partner enjoys active things and wants to share those with them. This happens between thin people too, but we don't need to kid ourselves and say that all fat people run 5 miles a day and have a high level of physical activity...because that's just not true for a lot of fat people. Besides, fat people can have limitations on certain activities that are tougher to find solutions for, even if the fat person is willing. (Renting a very large-sized wetsuit is not easy, harnesses don't always accommodate bigger bodies, there are weight limits on certain lifts/ropes/kayaks, etc.) But those kinds of activities, for most people, are not daily things.

Compared to most people I know, fat and thin, I'm on the higher activity side. I exercise for about an hour most days, either outside or at the gym, and like to be out and about exploring and having adventures. However, even given that, I realize that when I'm with some guys (or girls) my pace will still be slower. I don't walk as fast when just walking down the street, for example, as a lot of my friends (even my fellow shorties), so I know they have to slow their usual pace to match me. The same is true for hiking. While I have stamina for days, I'm not fast. So even if my hypothetical boyfriend did enjoy being active (which I hope he would), and he enjoyed me being active with him, it might be at a slower pace than he would do on his own. Some guys might not be willing to put up with that.

Still, I don't think I'm willing to go so far as to say that inactive people should only date inactive people, and vice versa, or the relationship is doomed. But I am also interested to hear what other FAs think, especially those who enjoy being active, and if it's something they want in their fat partner (for them to be active, too) or whether they enjoy the disparity of activity/inactivity or what. Because I do think daily things like this are hugely important.
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Old 07-28-2010, 02:23 PM   #5
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My g/f loves the outdoors and I'm more indoors type. She's a party animal and I'm really not.

We should have problems right?

WRONG, we're perfectly happy with each other. We can compromise, sometimes we can go out and party and others we can watch a movie and snuggle.

We can go horseback riding and walking some nights, and go see a movie/play another night.

Relationships are about compromises, and if you can compromise your differences then there will be less problems
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:29 PM   #6
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I think at the extremes it might be a problem, but compromise and accommodation can make up for things most of the time.

i.e.
I'm not the biggest movie person. My girlfriend likes movies. I'll gladly attend them with her more than I normally would. It doesn't hurt me at all to do so.

She likes certain foods. If one of us suggest we meet up for dinner, I always suggest something I know she'll like.

But part of is really that these situations don't hit with strong preferences. Part of it is my ability to compromise.
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Old 08-03-2010, 12:28 PM   #7
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It's funny but...I grew up in a house with 2 very different parents who had different schedules, different hobbies, different outlooks and different goals (for lack of a better term). Maybe it's an ethos? I don't know. But anyway, there were elements of that that I didn't like and that, now that I'm older, I see as very disappointing (Mom and I always going out to eat alone b/c Dad doesn't like a certain type of food or a certain hour of the day for a meal, and will.not.compromise). But I also see it as the Way It Is. Know what I mean? That's my baseline. That's what seems normal to me. And so it's not as threatening or offputting or crazyweird as it would be to others. I'm here to tell you you can have a marriage even without being of a similar pace or mindset as your partner. A long-term marriage. Now, is it a GOOD marriage? Who's to say. Marriages in which partners are more in tune with one another aren't necessarily 'good' either, depending on how you define good. If my husband and I both love hiking, and he also loves our next door neighbor, then the hiking isn't so imporant. If 60% of marriages don't last, then sharing hobbies and goals clearly ain't the only key either! Interesting topic.
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Old 08-03-2010, 01:13 PM   #8
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Having recently experienced this I feel that it can put a lot of strain on a relationship or even a potential one. The most recent girl I was talking to was a complete homebody, she didn't enjoy going out, didn't like making new friends and had extremely bad social anxiety disorder, so needless to say any social situations were avoided. Me on the other hand, I am beyond out going, I love meeting new people, going out, having people over and just constantly having social interactions. She would get upset if I wanted to go out or wanted to bring people over, and I just couldn't exist like that. Yea, I need a night off every once in a while but not every night, so I knew from there we wouldn't work. My current gf is even more social than I am, she is always meeting new people, we are always going out and she just has a taste for adventure. We match up perfectly with this, we are always wanting to go out and find something wild and stupid to do because we both enjoy it. So I feel it is important to find someone who goes at the same pace as you. Compromise can help but if intrinsically you are different at your roots, then the relationship is going to be strained.
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Old 08-06-2010, 09:34 PM   #9
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Can one really start taking all of these things into consideration? The odds against anyone finding anyone are so high to begin with that it seems rather a tall order to begin thinking about compatibility issues too. Just having two people attracted to each other is hard enough.

IMO, the only thing that is required is for one of the people in the relationship to be deeply, deeply in love with the other, and for the other to at least like their partner enough to tolerate this affection, and not to consider herself too shortchanged. I imagine that the person who is more in love with the other then adjusts his life to hers, as far as he can, however she wants it. Perhaps one cannot magically "become" a party person (for example) if one is no so inclined initially, but one can try.

I think the key is for at least one person in a relationship to be so enamoured of the other as to be willing to alter themselves, and their life, to "make it work," without resentment. It's the desire that's paramount. That's what makes him put in the effort -- and it would/will be a lot of effort.

(Yes, I imagine that there are probably relationships in which two people are equally interested in one another, but those are statistically rare. In that case, it's not too difficult for each to meet the other halfway.)
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Old 08-07-2010, 01:37 AM   #10
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How do you see all this, and has if affected your life?
Care to weigh in on your question?
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Old 08-07-2010, 06:42 AM   #11
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I am in two minds on this one

I mean I dont want someone who wants to be in my pocket 24/7 so to speak I like doing my own thing, and dont feel that whoever I am with should have to give up stuff they love for me. Eg I am not a huge go out drink and party person and may on occassion go do those things but if that was a huge part of my partners life it is not going to harm me or our relationship if he wants to go out and do those things, as long as he comes home to me and isnt cheating ect what is the harm to our relationship

I am an independent person , and whilst I wouldnt want to be neglected or left behind all the time it isnt a drama if we have some sepperate interests that take us in different directions and the like.

I have always thought that we shouldnt have to give up who we are or things we love to be in a relationship/partnership

Yes we may have to compramise on some things but I think being at different paces in life can sometimes be balanced as a fast paced person learns to slow down a little and a slower paced person may have a few more adventures so I kinda see it as win win
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Old 08-07-2010, 09:46 AM   #12
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Note that I said "in the long term." It's fairly easy to make a short-term effort to please or accommodate someone for a while, but if that pleasing and accommodating simply goes against a person's inherent leanings and pace of life, the chance that in the long term there will be resentment and frustration is large. Hence, starting out with a somewhat compatible pace of life makes sense to me.

The above, of course, is just a general observation and it's entirely possible that there are people who manage to find ways make different lifestyles work.

Are there examples where a different pace of life ended badly? And examples of where it was made to work?
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Old 08-07-2010, 10:32 AM   #13
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A willingness to be at least empathetic is vital if people of different temperaments or speeds of life want to make their relationship flourish. Love helps with that, the kind of love that makes us want to make the other person happier than we are without being self-immolating. I don't really like the term partner as it seems too bloodless, sexless, and unromantic yet the heart of the intent is what forms my impression of a successful relationship: Two people (or more if one's poly) who have each others' emotional backs without needing to become each other . . . partners in crime and adventure, whether that's taking turns couch surfing or canoeing (something I used to like to do as a teenager).

Sure, being with someone who walks at your speed or enjoys everything you do is the optimum to be hoped for but how much like you does that other person need to be? I corresponded for a short while with someone who seemed to be on my page but eventually it felt like he was consciously trying to copy my writing style and sense of humor, as if it might make me like him better. It was weird and sad because I think everyone deserves a chance at being loved for themselves, unless they're a sociopath or something. This is why I try not to have a "type" which is actually somewhat difficult at times: The guy who might combine with me to make beautiful music is probably not the guy I dream or fantasize about because he'll be his own person who brings something new or edifying to my life, and vice versa.
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Old 08-07-2010, 02:15 PM   #14
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Are there examples where a different pace of life ended badly?
My first serious boyfriend who I met in college and dated for 5 years generally had a different pace of life than I do. I didn't realize that's what was going on with us until a few years after the relationship ended and I started studying the difference between introversion and extroversion. We also had different goals, which eventually caused problems when we realized we wanted different things.

For example, whenever we would go to a party together with his friends, he was always so intent on networking, making sure he talked to every person in the room that he'd often leave me alone. As an introvert, I'm not good at inserting myself into someone else's conversation, especially if they're people I don't know well. It makes me feel uncomfortable, so I often felt like a wallflower at parties with him. Sometimes, I'd try to stand next to him when he'd join a group of friends, hoping I'd be able to join the conversation, but he was always so busy talking and trying to impress everyone else that he'd frequently ignore me. I told him my feelings about this on several occasions, and even asked if he could introduce me, especially if he knew I might have something in common with others in the group. Like, "this is my girlfriend, and she's also into '60s garage rock; the Manson murders; Russ Meyer flicks," or whatever they were talking about at the moment. But it never happened, and I didn't know enough about how to extrovert myself, so we usually didn't have a lot of fun at parties where it was just all his friends.

In addition, he liked to go out with friends a lot more frequently than I did, which was just part of his extroverted nature. He hung out with a group of guy friends on a regular basis, once or twice a month, which I had no problem with. But that wasn't enough for him. He liked to be out and about almost every night of the week, which didn't work for me. I preferred to stay home and relax after a long day at work, so unless I could find the energy to go out with him, I was often left behind.

That wasn't an every night thing; he couldn't always find people to hang out with, but he definitely liked to keep himself busy and didn't seem to want to relax at home and just talk with me. He was trying to make a name for himself as an indie musician at that point in time, and put out a cassette and 6-song CD of his music on his own while we were together. He worked as a graphic designer at an independent newspaper, using the computers to design newspaper ads, so he spent a lot of time in his off hours working on the album art for his cassette and CD, and the ads he planned to take out in a couple of indie music magazines. We were living together at the time, but rather than coming home to spend time with me, he'd stay at work, putting the finishing touches on his CD artwork. He also spent a lot of time after work hanging out with various friends who had music rehearsal spaces or recording studios, borrowing instruments and having them help him record samples for his CD.

All of which was great stuff, and I'm glad he was so motivated to do all those things. But it took a lot of time away from our relationship and he seemed more focused on building his career as an indie musician than on building a relationship with me. That, combined with his more extroverted personality and need to spend more time with others or constantly be busy, created problems in our relationship that couldn't be resolved. He wasn't going to give up his dreams, and it was unfair for me to ask him to. I had to give up my dreams of maintaining a relationship with him, and that lead to a very acrimonious break-up. I was angry at having to give up my dreams. I'd been deeply in love with him, ready to marry him, and having to give that up was very painful. But in the long run, that was the only reasonable choice with him because we were two very different people who went about life in very different ways.
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Old 08-07-2010, 08:20 PM   #15
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This is an issue I've been struggling with recently. I've always tried to be as flexible as possible to accommodate a partner's needs as far as life pace. Since taking a new job and making plans to leave home for up to a year away, I've found that flexibility is not enough. Neither person is likely going to end up with what they want or satisfied with the amount or quality of interaction in the relationship. IMO, pace isn't just about habits and goals, it's about the commitment made to be with someone. Regardless of which way it swings, it seems at this point that it's about addressing/matching your partner's commitment or expectations. I think this extends to friends, etc.

How do you address various obstacles, whether they be physical limitation, different social scenes, time constraints and so on?
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Old 08-07-2010, 09:09 PM   #16
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Ummm, I agree that a similar "pace" of life is important. I mean it would be cruel to marry a woman over 300 lbs and then expect her to complete marathons and climb rocks.
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Old 11-05-2010, 06:57 PM   #17
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My wife and I have known each other since we were 7 years old, so we more or less grew up together, and I know her limitations. We have very similar outlooks, but also more than enough differences to make life interesting. Compromises are important to a good strong relationship, and we consider ourselves equal partners.

She is about 400 pounds so there are many activites she simply can't do, but that's okay. If we're travelling and I want to walk all over this or that destination for a few hours, I go alone or with a friend in the morning, bring back plenty of photos for her to see, and then we spend the rest of the day together. Once in France our tour of Mont St. Michel was more like a forced hike. She simply couldn't handle all those stairs almost literally up to heaven, so we explored the quaint little shops at ground level instead. It's always good to have Plans B, C or D if Plan A doesn't work out, and sometimes we make unexpected discoveries because of that.
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Old 11-05-2010, 07:23 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by October View Post
Ummm, I agree that a similar "pace" of life is important. I mean it would be cruel to marry a woman over 300 lbs and then expect her to complete marathons and climb rocks.
I like this post because it's silly and obvious and meant to be funnier than it is.

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Originally Posted by Jon Blaze View Post
I think at the extremes it might be a problem, but compromise and accommodation can make up for things most of the time.

i.e.
I'm not the biggest movie person. My girlfriend likes movies. I'll gladly attend them with her more than I normally would. It doesn't hurt me at all to do so.

She likes certain foods. If one of us suggest we meet up for dinner, I always suggest something I know she'll like.

But part of is really that these situations don't hit with strong preferences. Part of it is my ability to compromise.
I like this post more because it's constructive and its practicality resonates with me.
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Old 11-05-2010, 08:36 PM   #19
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My wife and I have known each other since we were 7 years old, so we more or less grew up together, and I know her limitations. We have very similar outlooks, but also more than enough differences to make life interesting. Compromises are important to a good strong relationship, and we consider ourselves equal partners.

She is about 400 pounds so there are many activites she simply can't do, but that's okay. If we're travelling and I want to walk all over this or that destination for a few hours, I go alone or with a friend in the morning, bring back plenty of photos for her to see, and then we spend the rest of the day together. Once in France our tour of Mont St. Michel was more like a forced hike. She simply couldn't handle all those stairs almost literally up to heaven, so we explored the quaint little shops at ground level instead. It's always good to have Plans B, C or D if Plan A doesn't work out, and sometimes we make unexpected discoveries because of that.
Totally unrelated but I climbed the stairs up to Mont St. Michel this summer!! They were sooo brutal. I almost thought I was going to pass out at one point, even my "fit" friends had a pretty hard time. In case anyone's wondering there are 280 (one of my friends claims she counted).

As far as the original question goes it I think pace of lifestyle is a lot more important than most people realize. I know I couldn't be with someone who wanted to rock climb every weekend or go running every morning. I simply don't do those things and wouldn't enjoy them. I do however love to travel and spend weekends with my friends. Luckily my boyfriend understands that and is always willing to accompany me even though he didn't know my friends very well in the beginning. I'd like to think by now they're his friends too, at least somewhat. I'm not sure either one of us can be defined as a homebody or a socialite. We have our days when we just spend time watching movies or tv and other ones where we're out walking all over and driving all over to new places. I think compromise is incredibly important. I introduced him to several new types of food, he's made me watch movies I would have never watched on my own. Those kinds of compromises are what make a relationship work and make it really fun. No matter what we do it's a new experience and I love that.

Now my parents... they're a different story. They've been married 25 years and sometimes I ask my mom why she chose to marry my dad. He's a great guy, don't get me wrong but they share *no* common interests. I think this tends to happen as people grow older, the differences between men and women really start to show. My dad is a homebody, doesn't like to travel for more than a few days. My mom is a travel nut like myself and always wants to see new places. My dad is completely content and in his element in a tree stand in the woods. My mom would rather be walking up and down the streets of New York. Yet they make it work. I think long term compatibility has to do with similar veiw points, parenting skills, and socio-economic backgrounds. My parents grew up a block away from each other, same religion, same general experiences as children and I think thats what makes their bond pretty strong or at least strong enough to over come different lifestyles.
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Old 11-09-2010, 03:40 PM   #20
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I find that there should be enough differences between you and your partner to keep things interesting, but similar enough that you understand each other. I also think a lot of communication works well for setting a good pace. That leads to compromise and a richer relationship. Michele has helped me crawl out of my shell and experience more in life. I am so thankful she has the patience to deal with me.
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Old 11-09-2010, 09:53 PM   #21
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I find that there should be enough differences between you and your partner to keep things interesting, but similar enough that you understand each other. I also think a lot of communication works well for setting a good pace. That leads to compromise and a richer relationship. Michele has helped me crawl out of my shell and experience more in life. I am so thankful she has the patience to deal with me.
I'm in plenty of agreement with Weirdo. Differences keep a relationship interesting and healthy, and understand keeps the relationship healthy and everlasting. Communication, compromise and connection all go a long way. I think a lot of issues can be diverted just by sheer will and communication/understanding. I think a lot of issues can be avoided altogether if differences are not an issue at all.
Recently, I've been more and more active for various reasons and I'm enjoying it. I'm greatly energetic (with off-days thrown in the mix), young and vibrant and find a great deal of enjoyment of being outside, being out of the house and moving around. My girlfriend is more often than not the opposite. She is very introverted and greatly enjoys entertaining herself - relaxing, reading, low-key activities. We mesh very well together. It helps to be a couple derived with feederism and enhancement due to FA/feedee; I'm active, I enjoy doing everything/things for her, she enjoys not being nearly as active and enjoys me doing things/everything for her.
It's a relationship built upon differences that unite expertly. Which is not to say we do not share common interests and share a great deal of understanding. These common interests and understands we share build a firm foundation and companionship, while our differences allow us to be individuals and coincide peacefully.

I do not view issues in a relationship based upon differences and similarities. To me, everything is entirely respective to each person and situation. I could never assume, judge or prematurely categorize a relationship based upon the differences and similarities (nor is that what I'm saying any of the previous responders are doing). If it works, it works - and it will work no matter what road blocks and bounds are put in place. If it doesn't work, it doesn't and probably will not regardless of willpower, compromise, understanding, etc..

/shrug.

... As a complete aside, I've got so many damn thoughts roaming around in my head it's impossible to formulate a coherent, simple post anymore..
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Old 11-12-2010, 04:46 PM   #22
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I find that there should be enough differences between you and your partner to keep things interesting, but similar enough that you understand each other. I also think a lot of communication works well for setting a good pace. That leads to compromise and a richer relationship. *snip*
I agree 100%. Jackie and I have almost the same "pace." We're both laid back homebodies, and are pretty happy just being in each others presence. A typical night for us is her watching TV or reading, and me sitting beside her with laptop on lap surfing the 'net or playing computer games. We still pay attention to the other, periodically reaching out to hold hands.

When out, I tend to be somewhat more social than her. I also need a social life of sorts, and enjoy getting out of the house on occasion. She's more happy at home. How that works out (when life is normal, unlike the present) is that I will take one day out of the week to meet with friends and stay gone most of the day. She'll use that time to do her own thing.

But mostly, we love being together.
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Old 11-30-2010, 03:43 PM   #23
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Today my wife went Christmas shopping with her mother, a perky little 83-year-old who has retained most of the energy she had as a high school cheerleader in the 1940s. That's a great problem at her age, but she dragged my wife all over the mall: "Oooh, pretty lights!" My wife said her mother promised to buy only a few gifts but soon forgot all about that and shopped for herself instead: "Oooh, pretty sweaters!" My wife outweighs her mother 4 to 1, and her mother does comment about her weight sometimes so she obviously recognizes my wife is fat, but she still can't grasp the notion that my wife simply can't keep up with her. Of course her mother had to try on every Christmas sweater she saw but didn't like any of them. To make a long story short, my wife was one big OUCH when she came home, so I had to administer an emergency massage. Not that she needed to twist my arm or anything.

My wife did say it was entertaining when someone tried to cut in front of her mother in a check-out line, and her mother almost tore off the intruder's arm. She can change from mom to weremom and back again in a flash, even without a full moon.
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