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Old 08-25-2010, 09:02 AM   #26
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your advice sounds wonderful, but when i do those types of physical activity now i just feel self-conscious, fat, and ugly. moving around like that just reminds me of how unattractive i feel and how uncomfortable i am with living in this body.
.
Yes. We do. WE do feel self-conscious and weird when we first try things. Think about other new things you've tried in life. Non-physical things. Weird at first, and then things became more balanced, right?

I was sure people would stare when I joined a gym. Perhaps at some gyms, some people would've, but they don't, at mine. First, most people there (and most are men) are staring endlessly at themselves in the mirrors, flexing bicepts. I watch them much more than any of them watch me. Second, most people have a 'don't look at me, I won't look at you' thing happening at a gym. It's like being in a giant elevator--with bikes! I didn't want to look sweaty or get my standard big red tomato head at first...then I realized it was a badge of honor. It meant I'd had a strong workout. Everyone doing a big workout gets a red face.

My point is that, over time, my opinions changed. I can't promise that yours will, but you won't know 'til you try. And really try. Again. Push through the emotional discomfort one step at a time, give yourself permission to have really awful days, but don't give yourself permission to stop moving forward however you can. Obviously, you're posting not because you don't care or because you're happy with the status quo, so tell yourself that this is gonna suck 'til you get used to it, and then start on the work of getting used to it. You are worth it.
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Old 08-25-2010, 09:21 AM   #27
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Many happy returns of the day, Miss Mermaid. I hope it's a good one.
thank you.
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Old 08-25-2010, 09:31 AM   #28
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Yes. We do. WE do feel self-conscious and weird when we first try things. Think about other new things you've tried in life. Non-physical things. Weird at first, and then things became more balanced, right?

I was sure people would stare when I joined a gym. Perhaps at some gyms, some people would've, but they don't, at mine. First, most people there (and most are men) are staring endlessly at themselves in the mirrors, flexing bicepts. I watch them much more than any of them watch me. Second, most people have a 'don't look at me, I won't look at you' thing happening at a gym. It's like being in a giant elevator--with bikes! I didn't want to look sweaty or get my standard big red tomato head at first...then I realized it was a badge of honor. It meant I'd had a strong workout. Everyone doing a big workout gets a red face.

My point is that, over time, my opinions changed. I can't promise that yours will, but you won't know 'til you try. And really try. Again. Push through the emotional discomfort one step at a time, give yourself permission to have really awful days, but don't give yourself permission to stop moving forward however you can. Obviously, you're posting not because you don't care or because you're happy with the status quo, so tell yourself that this is gonna suck 'til you get used to it, and then start on the work of getting used to it. You are worth it.
your point is a very valid one and so true. i have been to gyms before when i was 19/20/21 and no one stared at me even though that was my great fear,but i've lost my motivation now. i can't seem to push myself enough to workout (not simply to lose some weight, but to feel better) and i know i have to find some way to motivate myself.

far to often, i think about working out and i let myself off the hook; i never hold myself accountable. sigh...but i digress, thanks for the advice.
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Old 08-25-2010, 10:24 AM   #29
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So Mermaid--
you've started a thread and asked us about us. Why not tell us a bit more about yourself? Introduce yourself and all that, so we can roll out the welcome wagon!
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Old 08-25-2010, 11:05 AM   #30
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i have cut off contact with my ex, i blocked his number and email addresses, and i just moved to a new apartment (i live with my parents/i'm in graduate school) so he doesn't know where i live and can't send me stupid stuff in the mail either.


I can tell you are pretty shaken by the actions of this guy.

You say he doesn't have the address where you live, but I hope he doesn't know where you teach middle school history? I guess he wouldn't be so bold as to harrass you where you work...hopefully!
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Old 08-25-2010, 11:12 AM   #31
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Happy Birthday, Mermaid. Here's to new beginnings.
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Old 08-25-2010, 11:15 AM   #32
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I can tell you are pretty shaken by the actions of this guy.

You say he doesn't have the address where you live, but I hope he doesn't know where you teach middle school history? I guess he wouldn't be so bold as to harrass you where you work...hopefully!
no, he doesn't know where i intern as a middle school teacher.
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Old 08-25-2010, 11:17 AM   #33
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Happy Birthday, Mermaid. Here's to new beginnings.
thank you..
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Old 08-25-2010, 11:18 AM   #34
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I second CP's post above

I do hope you learn to love your body. I'm slowly getting there and this website has been a major part of the change for me. I don't fully love my body, but I appreciate it one Hell of a lot more than I did 2 years ago. And even then, I have gained quite a bit of weight since then! Now my major struggle is my mind, not my body.

Hope you can come into your own soon enough And just so you know, from the pics you posted, I'd kill to have a body like yours!
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Old 08-25-2010, 02:25 PM   #35
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I second CP's post above

I do hope you learn to love your body. I'm slowly getting there and this website has been a major part of the change for me. I don't fully love my body, but I appreciate it one Hell of a lot more than I did 2 years ago. And even then, I have gained quite a bit of weight since then! Now my major struggle is my mind, not my body.

Hope you can come into your own soon enough And just so you know, from the pics you posted, I'd kill to have a body like yours!
well heheh, thank for such a nice compliment. i guess we all look at someone else's body and think, damm i would kill to have there's (i know i do). but, i digress...i hope that like for me, you are able to win the struggle with your body image/self-confidence/self-esteem.
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Old 08-25-2010, 03:55 PM   #36
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So Mermaid--
you've started a thread and asked us about us. Why not tell us a bit more about yourself? Introduce yourself and all that, so we can roll out the welcome wagon!
i'm 28 yrs old (hehe my b-day is today), i was born and raised in brooklyn, new york and live with my parents (yuck lol). i've always been a big person and my family with the exception of my father are thin very thin.



currently, i am a graduate student getting my master's degree in secondary social studies education and someday i would love to teach middle school history. as for now, i have two yrs left of school and in september i will be starting the second part of my teaching internship. the first time it was at a public high school and this time it will be at a public middle school. hopefully this time will go alot better than the last time, oh god i was so nervous and insecure the first time.

i got my b.s. in social studies from st. francis college of nyc and spent my childhood going to catholic school; i went to an all girls catholic high school. as far as my family goes, i am the middle of three sisters (my older sister is 30, lawyer, married with kids and younger sister is 23, hostess, married with kids) and i come from a large, loud, talkative italian familly..hehehe.

my hobbies: astrology(studied it since i was 13), cooking (love to experiment with different cuisines), reading (i have over 100 books currently), writing poetry (been doing it since i was 11), watching yankees baseball (fan since i was 10, my grandfather got me into it), and running (i used to do this one, have to get back into it though). but honestly i really like to do just about most things like listen to music, dance, go to concerts or walks on the beach..etc. also, there isn't any specific food i hate either and i'm not picky, i love love asian food.

so, hope i didn't bore you and if there is anything else you would like to know just ask, i'm an open book and very honest.
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Old 08-27-2010, 10:28 AM   #37
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how do you learn to love the body you were born in?
One day at a time!

More seriously, some days its easy, some days it's not. Some days I make one step forwards, some days its two steps back. Its all good though, and I'm getting there. Life hasn't turned out how I expected it in a million good ways and one or two bad ways but I'm still here, still hanging in there, still doing the best I can.

Dont beat yourself up for not loving all of you, concentrate on the bits you do like (Gorgeous face, nice boobs, whatever) and you'll gradually learn that you're so much more than just the sum of your parts.

Enjoy the journey towards self acceptance - at 28 you're just starting out (Happy Birthday btw) I just turned 43 and I'm still learning. Life is so much more than just a destination or a finish line!

Tracey xx
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Old 08-27-2010, 03:29 PM   #38
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One day at a time!

More seriously, some days its easy, some days it's not. Some days I make one step forwards, some days its two steps back. Its all good though, and I'm getting there. Life hasn't turned out how I expected it in a million good ways and one or two bad ways but I'm still here, still hanging in there, still doing the best I can.

Dont beat yourself up for not loving all of you, concentrate on the bits you do like (Gorgeous face, nice boobs, whatever) and you'll gradually learn that you're so much more than just the sum of your parts.

Enjoy the journey towards self acceptance - at 28 you're just starting out (Happy Birthday btw) I just turned 43 and I'm still learning. Life is so much more than just a destination or a finish line!

Tracey xx
what you say is most definetely true and i'm trying to feel better everyday.

thanks for all the advice.
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Old 09-07-2010, 07:10 AM   #39
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some great advice in this thread! thanks, everyone <3
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Old 10-20-2010, 10:15 PM   #40
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Mermaid I want to let you know, you are a beautiful woman. You have love yourself first. I agree with all of the women that gave suggestions about activities that YOU enjoy. I have decided to take belly dancing in the future. I am even investigating pole dancing and becoming a makeup artist. I would like to help you anyway I can. Please keep me updated.
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Old 10-21-2010, 07:06 PM   #41
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Thirtiesgirl, I loved the Joy Nash video. Thanks for posting that!

DeDeDeRenne, I was planning to post this Youtube link for Mermaid because I am so inspired by the zaftig dancer's grace and confidence. (She's Majida Anwar of Atlanta's Awalim tribal fusion belly dance troupe.) After reading your post, I feel sure that you'll like it, too.

http://www.youtube.com/user/ziahali#.../0/508vSbQ0Xss
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:39 AM   #42
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I don't come here often anymore, but wanted to reply. And I can be long winded and rambley So sorry in advance!

I don't know what it was that was the initial trigger for me to start loving myself and my body. I've always hated my body, I was teased growing up because I was fat.

I joined this website at or near my highest weight, and I was unhappy with my body. It did help to see women who were my size and bigger who loved themselves.

One thing that has helped me is to stop the constant negative internal voice I had going all.the.time. All the time. Everytime I looked at myself in a mirror, or just anytime, I would say that I was ugly and fat, and I hated myself. I changed that - even though I didn't quite believe it at first, I would tell myself that I looked good, that I was hot, that I was beautiful... just anything positive. And it helped. I have a great husband who tells me those things everyday, but its something that had to come from within me to believe it. All the compliments, and FAs in the world cant make someone love themselves.

I know its not a popular thing to talk about here, but since I hit my heaviest I have lost weight. And have kept it off, and still have more to go. Its hard to explain, but when I finally started to like myself and my body, and could see the beautifulness in it, was when I was able to actually lose weight, and keep it off. So its not like the weight loss made me love myself, but starting to love myself helped me lose weight. I honestly love the way I look right now, and could stay at this weight for the rest of my life and be happy. And I'm still plus sized. But its really NOT ABOUT losing weight for me. So I don't want this to be viewed as pushing/promoting diet talk or whatever. All of this is just tied into me, and how I've changed. And really, at this point, the main reason I want to lose more wight, is because it will make the things I love to do, easier to do. Not because I have this hatred for how I look. I truely LOVE myself. And know I'm a pretty hot, sexy, beautiful, wonderful, great, loving woman, and will always be that, regardless of my weight, my size or whatever. Those numbers do NOT define me.

Last year I fell in love with running. I started running at like 240 lbs I think. And I run outside, and wear running gear. I don't hide my body. I run where people will see me, and I don't care. I run in spandex shorts, and tank tops, and run where many local people go to run. I was so self conscious at first. But gradually stopped caring. And also realized that while there may be a few jerks out there, most of the time, people ignored me. They're out there to get in their own work out anyway. Didn't stare, or laugh or point. And honestly I've been surprised at the feed back I do get. Some can be patronizing, but I try to take it as people being nice. I've heard "You GO GIRL!" yelled by a fellow bbw, "Keep up the good work" by an elderly man I'd see often on one route, "You're doing great" "Great Job!!" "Keep going" and was recently stopped by a guy (my husband thinks its because he thought I was hot) in the park, and he told me that he's seen me around there, and that I have a lot of determination, and am doing great (he also gave me his card to join his boxing club, which I actually want to do).

Once I stopped caring about what other people thought of me and focused on what I why I was out there (I love running), I realized that most people aren't out there to make fun me anyway, and probably aren't giving me a 2nd thought when they see me running.

Running and also mt biking helped me in a way that is hard to put into words. Both helped me to stop focusing on how I looked, but focus on what awesome things my body could do. My "fat" legs were strong, and could carry me on a long run, like 15+ miles. Or could pedal me up steep hill.

You said you used to love running - get back out there! Doing something you love helps. Even if its hard at first, keep at it, it will get easier. Hopefully you'll stop caring about what other people think, and will just enjoy doing something you love.
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Old 10-26-2010, 05:23 PM   #43
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Tink's right. There's a LOT more to self-acceptance than "this is how I am right now, this is how I was meant to be forever."

The magic path mix is different for everyone. Obviously, everyone's happy place is different and not everyone is in a position to make realistic change. But I think it's important to point out that most of us have options when it comes to making positive changes in our lives. Feel free to try to meet yourself halfway.
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Old 11-11-2010, 06:45 PM   #44
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sometimes i wish i could be happy with the body that god gave me, but being fat makes me feel so ugly. i joined this site to try and find out how to love myself with this body. if anyone has any insight and would like to give me some advice, please respond to my message.
do the thing that all women of any size need to do: give yourself the permission to be as beautiful as you already are without conditions, all over, not in pieces, not relative to someone else's false ideal but now, in the moment, as the universe intended you to be, mind body and spirit. the now is your journey alone. but know that journey should not depend on what a man or even another woman says does or thinks. what you feel and what you exemplify is under your control. you can focus on what tears you down or what builds you up. be forever conscious of that choice. be mindful of what you take into yourself and what you chose to think or dwell on or surround yourself with. if it doesn't benefit you and your self appreciation or the vision you have of yourself throw it away like the trash that it is.
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Old 11-12-2010, 08:48 PM   #45
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Fashion,and physical challenges (great sex included) help me love my body.

If I could not love myself fat, at least I was going to dress it up. The turning point for me is when I went to a swimming pool in a bathing suit and the world did not come to an end.
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Old 11-13-2010, 09:54 AM   #46
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Originally Posted by katherine22 View Post
If I could not love myself fat, at least I was going to dress it up. The turning point for me is when I went to a swimming pool in a bathing suit and the world did not come to an end.
yes exactly. i feel more than anything we tend to torture ourselves about what we think our bodies mean to other people. maybe we get shocked to find out that most folks are too busy living their own lives to even care what we look like anyway. people who do care enough to feel they have to let us know of any disapproval might have just need to get one. living for real outside of magazines t.v. and online fake stuff is the cure for any bs out there.
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Old 11-13-2010, 09:07 PM   #47
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I am in the same position as you, mermaid. I have dated several types of guys and have been married, all of whom loved me for me..but for some reason, I can't. It's like, I dunno - a huge mind trip. Sometimes I think to myself, "how can I truly feel or say that I love someone when I don't love myself?" It's something that I'm trying to overcome and the main reason why when I stumbled upon this website, I joined. I am a bit timid and shy, so it may take awhile for me to truly come out of my shell here, but it's really amazing and inspiring to be within a community of users who are enveloped in such confidence. I am truly jealous.
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Old 11-13-2010, 10:39 PM   #48
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sometimes i wish i could be happy with the body that god gave me, but being fat makes me feel so ugly. i joined this site to try and find out how to love myself with this body. if anyone has any insight and would like to give me some advice, please respond to my message.
Oh love, I want to give you such a big hug right now!
It sounds like you're looking at yourself, and seeing the image in vogue next to you as idyllic.
pause
Run yourself a bubble bath, sip some tea, and to both of these things by nothing but candlelight. Take some time to feel your own shape and realize that this is who you are, this is the body that a god (or goddess) decided was yours to own and yours to rock as hard as you can. Buy yourself a long swooshy dress and walk around at home in it, spin, dance, leap over your cat!
You're adorable, and I think your body is gorgeous. Screw those pictures of girls with hipbones protruding and ribs looking like a xylophone, only in the last 30 years have they been the image of 'beauty'. The way you appear to be shaped in your first picture reminds me of so many statues I saw in Italy, of women who were so beautiful that somebody found it necessary to immortalize them!
Love you, darling, love you as much as your heart can fit.
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Old 11-14-2010, 05:22 PM   #49
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Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
yes exactly. i feel more than anything we tend to torture ourselves about what we think our bodies mean to other people. maybe we get shocked to find out that most folks are too busy living their own lives to even care what we look like anyway. people who do care enough to feel they have to let us know of any disapproval might have just need to get one. living for real outside of magazines t.v. and online fake stuff is the cure for any bs out there.
I like that new avatar picture, superodalisque! What look is that you are going for? Its like we can see you and cant at the same time! Is there a name for that type of pic, with the flower and mask? (Oh and thats another excellent post too, i agree)
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Old 11-18-2010, 07:49 PM   #50
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i was reading in one of my old notebooks and found this quote and thought it belonged here for consideration:

Suffering means you've chosen the negative.

Agnes Martin
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