SERIOUS self-esteem issues, just ignorant or actually enjoy being used? (Sorry.Long)

[Rowan]

So...this person I know, who drives me insane the way she tackles dating has moved on to the next loser. I say this, because EVERY SINGLE man she has dated since separating and getting a divorce has been some of the biggest losers i have ever encountered. Each and every one of them has asked to borrow money...and she gives it right up to them. Granted, she's a nurse and makes decent money, but that doesnt mean she doesnt have bills that need to be coming first and formost!

The most recent guy, who lives in Colorado, asked for money too (tire blow out supposedly), saying that he lost his wallet and so had to cancel all his credit cards and put a hold on his bank account and go get a new drivers license (yeah...right. The boyfriend right before this one, had the exact same story and viola, wallet shows up a few weeks later, but of course my mom shelled out tons of money in the meantime). So anyway, he asked her for money and she swore up and down she wasnt going to send him any money and said he needed to do what he would have done before he met her. Well..couple days later, I'm cleaning out her lunch bag to put leftovers away so they dont go bad and here is a walmart western union receipt. She sent him the money. Big surprise.

When I try to tell her that these men are using her because they are the type to do so when a plus size white woman is involved, she just finds ways to justify them using her or she'll just say "God wants me to sow into their lives"....How about sowing into the lives of some homeless people or abused women living in a shelter or abandoned children in an orphanage rather than "sowing" money into a man just because you think you're interested in him and want to have sex with him. Do something really Christ like and not throwing money out just so you can get laid...hows that for an idea? I just think that any man who was genuinely interested in a woman...asking her for money would be the absolute last thing you'd do if you were trying to establish a relationship.

Heck...men stand her up all the time and then make up totally fake stories as to why they did it, and she'll say it's okay and make excuses for them only for it it happen once again. It is just such a fucking cycle and I'm tired of seeing it and fighting with her and her saying there is no problem!

(yes, the person is my mom and yes, thank god, im moving out in 9 days so i wont have all this drama anymore)

Sorry for the long ass post, but whats your viewpoint on it?

[Tad]

I’m a big believer in Miller’s Law of communications: “To understand what another person is saying, you must assume that it is true and try to imagine what it could be true of.” In fact I’ll apply the same principle even more broadly.

In the case of your Mom, it sounds like what she is saying is that somehow it is helping her feel better, even if it seems to you that she is just being taken advantage of. Why it is working for her I don’t know, but you know her better, maybe you could make some decent guesses? (OK, I’ll throw out one guess: they make her feel needed, and maybe that is something she craves? Especially with you grown up and soon moving out?) But in short, I’d say she is getting something out of these relationships. Maybe she could get a lot more out of some other relationship, but if she can easily get what she needs from these ones, maybe she doesn’t have the incentive to go looking for more?

[KHayes666]

I know what its like to be used.

A former community member who will go nameless conned me out of 3,300 dollars about a year and a half ago. This same person also stole from another friend of mine in the community before disappearing.

Another girl not associated with the community asked me to loan her 1,000 dollars to pay rent for her and her B/F. Months earlier, she promised me she'd be my honest to goodness friend and see me. Well that never happened and I tore her a new asshole and she said if I helped bail her out, she promised we'd finally see each other more often. I drove up to NH and gave her the money, I have never seen her again. Like the other woman, I hope I never actually DO see her again or heads are gonna roll.

Another shit biscuit I got myself into was I basically paid for a woman's pregnancy, only to be told to "fuck off and die" when I was unable to send her money one particular month. Known her 5 years and never talked to me again after that.

A lot of this weren't self esteem issues at all but more or less trying to be friendly. Unfortunately I wasn't aware that you didn't have to throw money around to be a good friend just yet.

All this happened before I met my current g/f. Its a shame because the 5 grand I literally gave away could have gone to a nice engagement ring, rent for an apartment we could live in or for other causes. People ask me why I got so stingy with money can just look up at the above....that's why.

[GTAFA]

Originally Posted by Rowan

So...this person I know, who drives me insane the way she tackles dating has moved on to the next loser.....[snip]
Sorry for the long ass post, but whats your viewpoint on it?

I think one of the big questions is, what does one learn from life's experiences? (and forgive me if this seems reductive and/or simplistic)

• Some people decide after a failed love affair never to open themselves up again.
• Others, having loved what they felt, go after exactly the same feeling, and so pursue the same sort of person, complete with all the qualities that led to disaster last time.

I think it's a brave choice to remain open, even if that sometimes leads you to get hurt. I want to see my friends safe from harm & hurt, and don't want anyone taking advantage. But i also admire a heart brave enough to be willing to believe again, even if that faith leads to disaster.

[fatgirlflyin]

Originally Posted by Rowan

So...this person I know, who drives me insane the way she tackles dating has moved on to the next loser. I say this, because EVERY SINGLE man she has dated since separating and getting a divorce has been some of the biggest losers i have ever encountered. Each and every one of them has asked to borrow money...and she gives it right up to them. Granted, she's a nurse and makes decent money, but that doesnt mean she doesnt have bills that need to be coming first and formost!

The most recent guy, who lives in Colorado, asked for money too (tire blow out supposedly), saying that he lost his wallet and so had to cancel all his credit cards and put a hold on his bank account and go get a new drivers license (yeah...right. The boyfriend right before this one, had the exact same story and viola, wallet shows up a few weeks later, but of course my mom shelled out tons of money in the meantime). So anyway, he asked her for money and she swore up and down she wasnt going to send him any money and said he needed to do what he would have done before he met her. Well..couple days later, I'm cleaning out her lunch bag to put leftovers away so they dont go bad and here is a walmart western union receipt. She sent him the money. Big surprise.

When I try to tell her that these men are using her because they are the type to do so when a plus size white woman is involved, she just finds ways to justify them using her or she'll just say "God wants me to sow into their lives"....How about sowing into the lives of some homeless people or abused women living in a shelter or abandoned children in an orphanage rather than "sowing" money into a man just because you think you're interested in him and want to have sex with him. Do something really Christ like and not throwing money out just so you can get laid...hows that for an idea? I just think that any man who was genuinely interested in a woman...asking her for money would be the absolute last thing you'd do if you were trying to establish a relationship.

Heck...men stand her up all the time and then make up totally fake stories as to why they did it, and she'll say it's okay and make excuses for them only for it it happen once again. It is just such a fucking cycle and I'm tired of seeing it and fighting with her and her saying there is no problem!

(yes, the person is my mom and yes, thank god, im moving out in 9 days so i wont have all this drama anymore)

Sorry for the long ass post, but whats your viewpoint on it?

I say all kinds of people use each other, and it may have nothing at all to do with the fact that she is plus sized or white. I also say that it is her business what your mother does with her money. As long as she isn't asking you to pay bills for her that she can't pay because she is giving money to people, then you really have nothing to say in the matter. I think it was pretty insulting of you to say she's giving men money so they will sleep with her and you sound very judgmental in this post.