social media & interaction with fat hate

[liz (di-va)]

I am curious: How do you deal with casual brushes with derision/bad stereotyping/hate of fat folk in your online social 'circle'? Twitter, Facebook, whatevs?

I'm not speaking of a good friend posting something upsetting, but (for instance) an acquaintance/coworker/colleague type posting a mean FB update and watching other people chime in in agreement. Do you say something? To anybody? Not?

I know this has come up before and will come up again, just throwing my own version of the question out there.

[LovelyLiz]

Good question.

Honestly, if someone does it more than once, and they're just an acquaintance, I'll probably just un-friend them or delete them or whatever. I'd prefer not to have those people even in my online social circles if there's no need for them there.

Depending on how I'm doing personally, if I'm feeling pretty confident, I may say something. I kind of hate being the perceived killjoy or party pooper or whatever...which any person who comes in and says (in so many words), "Hey, you guys are being unnecessarily mean" is taken to be. But if I feel the need, I may say something - probably in a funny and also pointed way.

One other thing I have done once or twice, is asked a thin friend who is also friends with the person to comment on it (this is a super close friend of mine, who is totally for size acceptance). Oftentimes a thin person saying something against fat bashing is going to be taken more seriously, which sucks, but that just seems to be the case.

[thirtiesgirl]

Prior to joining this forum, I was a member of a forum which will remain nameless that touted itself as a "fat acceptance forum" for women, with a membership of all fat women. While spending time there, I read several instances of not exactly fat hate, but open fat discrimination, as well as slut shaming, most of them written by one young woman in particular.

There was a thread on the forum about celebrity fat women, mostly where members ooh'd and ahh'd over pics of their favorite fat or semi-fat celebs - "Marissa Jaret Winokur looks so hot in that dress!" and that type of thing. It was in that thread that this particular young woman decided to write a post about Kirstie Alley and Oprah, saying in a nutshell that Kirstie Alley looks like a disgusting pig when she's fat and therefore should lose weight, while Oprah looks better fat than thin and therefore should remain fat.

I was stunned and angered to see someone on the forum blatantly maintaining the "good fat/bad fat" dichotomy, and even moreso when no mod stepped in to say anything, not even for referring to Kirstie Alley as a "disgusting pig." So I chose to speak up on the forum and share my opinion on the matter. At which point I was informed by the young woman and several of her best forum pals that it's perfectly fine for her to express an opinion that doesn't conform to the tenets of fat acceptance because "it's only an opinion." In addition, the young woman took pains to inform me that the fat acceptance movement is "too political" for her and she doesn't want others (well, mostly the menfolk) to see her as a fat acceptance feminist harpy for fear of alienating herself from their attentions. (She didn't express her feelings in exactly that way, but the subtext was clear.)

Never mind that the forum advertises itself as a fat acceptance forum. Apparently it's perfectly ok for members to say that Kirstie Alley (or any woman) "should lose weight" because her fat makes her look like a "disgusting pig," while other women (like Oprah) should try to maintain their weight because they "look better when fat." Not once during this exchange did a mod step in to say anything about it.

I was seriously considering leaving the forum at that point, but against my better judgment, I continued my membership for another few weeks... during which the same young woman wrote several slut-shaming posts about women who like to wear short skirts. Again, no mod stepped in to let her know she was out of line, so I publicly let her know that I don't think slut-shaming is ok. I was again informed by the young woman and her cronies that I needed to "stop being so negative," and "aren't people allowed to express their opinions on this forum any more?" Never mind that their opinions about women are more harmful than helpful.

At that point, I'd realized I'd given that forum all the time I wanted to give. Twice, I'd read harmful, fat disparaging commentary; twice, I'd called it to the attention of the person who'd written it to let her know I didn't think it was ok. But there was no change, no moderation, and the commentary was allowed to stand. It really wasn't a forum about fat acceptance, despite advertising to the contrary, so I chose not to waste any more time there.

[spiritangel]

Originally Posted by liz (di-va)

I am curious: How do you deal with casual brushes with derision/bad stereotyping/hate of fat folk in your online social 'circle'? Twitter, Facebook, whatevs?

I'm not speaking of a good friend posting something upsetting, but (for instance) an acquaintance/coworker/colleague type posting a mean FB update and watching other people chime in in agreement. Do you say something? To anybody? Not?

I know this has come up before and will come up again, just throwing my own version of the question out there.

If your friends and family wanted to give you the gift of lap band surgery would your heart be ready to receive it? is my most recent formspring question

it marks the second in the whole weightloss vein in two days the other was /How you gonna loose weight and get a job?

the stupid thing is I have already answered a question about my weight/weightloss and stuff but this person obviously hasnt read that answer

I ignored the how you gonna question and deleted it but they are anon questions I have no idea who is asking them what upsets me is the fact it is more than likely someone who knows me or is a fb friend and I always think that friendship is about being honest

I am sick of the assumption all I do is sit around the house and eat all day
to the point where I may write some sort of blog on it as it really is a bit underhanded and shows a lack of respect for me and how far I have come in the last 5 years ect

I think sometimes people give voice to their ugliest sides on the net but I am lucky to never have encountered this as fb status's or twitter updates and the like. Still I would love to know who keeps asking the horrid questions

[jewels_mystery]

I agree with McBeth and just remove them. I used to play games on FB and added a bunch of friends who played the games. Several would make racist and fat comment. I just delete them and only one did I report.

[bmann0413]

I wouldn't know how to answer that because most of my friends on FB are from on here. lol

But I actually have a classmate who pretty much makes fat hate comments. I never really pay him any mind though.

[superodalisque]

i don't have any friends on facebook who would say something like that that i know of. i just don't have those kinds of friends. even if fat wasn't their thing they'd never be nasty enough to say hurtful things about other people just for being fat. you'd have to actually do something messed up for them to say something nasty about you. i guess thats why they are my friends anyway.

[CastingPearls]

I'm 'friends' with a lot of people on Facebook who I don't know because I play a few games where many neighbors or sisters are ideal. Also former classmates and neighbors, some of whom actually did say, 'but you're not fat', to sort of make me an exception to their prejudice. I accept that they're human, like me, and can be bone-headed, like me. I have been known to say an ignorant thing or four in my lifetime and hope to be granted some grace and mercy for my misdeeds.

However, when anyone that I am not close to says anything blatant I usually delete them. It's just not worth the effort to educate everyone particularly since it usually only falls on deaf ears. I do sometimes say something in ire most particularly if it is from someone I know (one of my brothers seems to forget our entire family is fat and when I point that out to him repeatedly he says, yeah but we're not slobs or pigs' <sigh>)

[liz (di-va)]

Well (as I said, but I should have emphasized this better) the person I'm talking about is not a friend nor really an acquaintance.

Nor is it somebody I am connected to through just gaming, nor (on the other side) somebody I know through an agreed-upon place to discuss issues of size.

It's a colleague, somebody with whom I maintain a social media connection for professional reasons and that's it.

I am thinking I may have to say something. Just because that's how I'm built. I will be the barging-in party-pooper and (yeah, McB) I think I'd be taken differently if I were thin, but...what the hell.

I wouldn't be so conflicted about what to do if this person were a friend (probably wouldn't come up) or just acquaintance (I'd just unfriend him). It's the colleague part that's throwing me...

[AnnMarie]

Liz, I'd have to say something to know that I did my part ... in what I truly believe. I think it's those instances, those tests, that really define where we stand, what we believe, and how far we're willing to go to defend it.

That said, I think you can say something to make your point clear, but also not come off militant, angry, or unprofessional. Not knowing the comment, it's hard to give an example, but you're not exactly troubled with commenting in a sincere, direct, and diplomatic manner... so I'm sure you'll be fine.

You can do it!