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Old 10-23-2010, 06:00 PM   #1
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Default just have to let it out

well gals,

it's true...i rarely ever come into the bbw room anymore because, honestly, it's a bummer. i understand everyone has issues and deals with things their own way...but this is my happy post for all the big girls out there who:

1. accept they're fat. faced it. dealt with it. learned to love it.
2. are good with who they are. this is me. i love me. if you don't...oh well.
3. rock what they got!
4. go out and live life! you only spin once kids...have to live every minute.
5. inspire those who haven't gotten there yet to know they are beautiful

best to everyone! now get out there and live your life your life and love yourself!
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Old 10-23-2010, 07:09 PM   #2
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thank you! i love you! and i miss you!
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Old 10-24-2010, 03:22 AM   #3
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I think it's great that you feel so confident and know and love yourself as a fat person. Keep in mind, though, I think it's a little easier to achieve that state of mind when you're partnered. You've achieved the one thing that is seen by most of western society as the true signifier of social acceptance, which is a romantic partner. When you're single and looking, your self confidence can really take some hits. It becomes harder to remind yourself that you're a valuable person, worthy of love, when you're so often faced with messages that, however unintentional, continue to remind you that someone doesn't want you, they don't choose you, and you can't show others that you've succeeded in finding someone to love you.

When you're fat (or older, transgendered, have a disability, etc, etc), it creates an added element to the search for a romantic partner that usually doesn't aid in the ease of finding one. You're constantly reminded, even when not looking for a romantic partner, of how people who are thinner, younger, cisgendered, able-bodied (etc) are seen as more socially acceptable by the general public.

Just yesterday, I was at a social gathering with some friends, both men and women. A new woman showed up to the gathering who many people hadn't met before. She's young, slender and very pretty, and I immediately observed a subtle shift in the attention of several straight guys in the group. Without realizing it, they turned their focus to her, spoke only to her, asked her questions, and essentially, stopped paying attention to other women in the group. It was a perfect example of how someone younger, with a more 'socially acceptable' body shape can unintentionally attract the attention of others.

Which I know is nothing new to many fat people. We've all observed and experienced 'thin privilege' (or able-bodied, youth, or cisgendered privilege) at some point in our lives. The difference is, I went home alone, with no one but myself to remind me that I'm just as worthy of attention and love as the thinner woman, no partner to confirm that I'm just as socially acceptable as she is. And sometimes handling that issue on your own for so long can become frustrating. You get tired of being the only one to give yourself solace and love and you come here and speak your mind about it.

So give us gals who haven't yet found the right partner a break, don't condemn us for expressing the hurt we often feel in trying to navigate life on our own, and remember that it's easier to see the greener grass on your side of the fence when you've got a partner to go home to.
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Old 10-24-2010, 04:36 AM   #4
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[QUOTE=thirtiesgirl;1592536]I
Quote:
think it's great that you feel so confident and know and love yourself as a fat person. Keep in mind, though, I think it's a little easier to achieve that state of mind when you're partnered. You've achieved the one thing that is seen by most of western society as the true signifier of social acceptance, which is a romantic partner. When you're single and looking, your self confidence can really take some hits. It becomes harder to remind yourself that you're a valuable person, worthy of love, when you're so often faced with messages that, however unintentional, continue to remind you that someone doesn't want you, they don't choose you, and you can't show others that you've succeeded in finding someone to love you.
Maybe she found love by following those 5 steps, I think if you don't have confidence and value yourself without a partner not much is gonna change when you find one.

Quote:
Just yesterday, I was at a social gathering with some friends, both men and women. A new woman showed up to the gathering who many people hadn't met before. She's young, slender and very pretty, and I immediately observed a subtle shift in the attention of several straight guys in the group. Without realizing it, they turned their focus to her, spoke only to her, asked her questions, and essentially, stopped paying attention to other women in the group. It was a perfect example of how someone younger, with a more 'socially acceptable' body shape can unintentionally attract the attention of others.
There is always going to be someone better around, i have never been to a bash or anything similar, but am sure there is one girl who gets more attention then others when she walks in a room.
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Old 10-24-2010, 06:03 AM   #5
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I agree with Doll; accepting your fat is the first step. Confidence is more attractive than any physical feature, big or small, and you need to stand up and make yourself tall for the right reasons: independence, happiness, and a positive outlook on life.

You're going to fall flat on your face if you try and emulate these qualities for the purpose of finding a romantic partner, however. Soul mates are not a given in life, and you need to be ready to love this world by yourself if you're not going to grow old unhappy. I know I say that as someone who hasn't actually lived a long, lonely life yet, but don't hold my world view against me. Just expressing myself, after all.
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Old 10-24-2010, 06:50 AM   #6
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Default It starts with YOU...

Regardless of whether you are partnered or not, the happiness and acceptance starts inside of you. We all know people, or have heard of people having WLS to "be happier and love myself". Well, how many of those people are happier and love themselves MORE after? The road to acceptance starts with YOU, inside and if you start from another means, surgery, random sex, or even being with a steady partner to "make you happy", it won't work.

I think what the OP was trying to do was give some ladies a pep talk, not condemn those of us who HAVEN'T quite gotten there yet.

TGirl: You might also want to think that you mentioned that this thinner counterpart at the party was new, that no one had met her before. Now, while its likely possible what you are saying is true, it could also be said that these people were trying to bring her out and find out more about her. I think when we go through life with such a jaded and bitter attitude towards our thinner sisters, it makes OUR road to self acceptance harder. "why can't I be HER??...or "if only I were thin like HER, I could ..A...B..or C"...

I got what the OP was saying and I'll say "You GO....have a happy life for YOU and everything else will follow"
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Old 10-24-2010, 09:22 AM   #7
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I think it's also really, really important to realise that not every one of us is going to end up with a partner. Yes it's easier to be happy with a loving man to come home to but that doesn't mean you shouldn't strive to be absolutely and utterly content and happy alone too. If true confidence and self love is something that we tell ourselves can only be achieved with a partner at our sides...well then I honestly think we're in fairly deep doo-doo. I'm a single girl - one of two in my circle of friends. Every other woman my age is in a relationship, engaged, pregnant or having babies. It gets really fucking lonely sometimes, I get angry about it, I wallow in pity and misery, and then I get up and cheer up. Always think of that Amel Larrieux song - I know you're down, when you gona get up? I think the BBW forum is a great tool to vent. It feels good to come here and be able to share the things that have hurt me with women who I know have probably had similar experiences. That said though I have to agree with bobblehead that lately this entire forum has gone very, very Eeyore. There's a whole lot of woe is me and hardly any really positive stuff going on. We're here to share the pain, yes, but also the joy! I think more of us need to learn to look outside ourselves, to see the realities of other people, the pains that other people feel, and realise that for most of us on this forum life is actually pretty damn awesome - even without regular sex !!
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Old 10-24-2010, 09:34 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by MissStacie View Post
Regardless of whether you are partnered or not, the happiness and acceptance starts inside of you. We all know people, or have heard of people having WLS to "be happier and love myself". Well, how many of those people are happier and love themselves MORE after? The road to acceptance starts with YOU, inside and if you start from another means, surgery, random sex, or even being with a steady partner to "make you happy", it won't work.

I think what the OP was trying to do was give some ladies a pep talk, not condemn those of us who HAVEN'T quite gotten there yet.
I don't disagree that I'm in charge of my own happiness, and that loving myself is important. What I took from bobbleheaddoll's post was less of a pep talk and more of a complaint about some of the single women on this board who choose to express their feelings about their singlehood and lack of confidence. I think it's easy to say things like "buck up, girl! Stop hating yourself! Stop being such a negative nelly!" when you're partnered. You've achieved the social signifier that indicates you're loved. Single people, whether they're looking for a romantic partner or not, don't have that signifier. How many times have I been subtly questioned about my sexual preferences by people who don't know me well...and even some who do, like my mother...simply because I've been mostly single for the past 8 years. Western society seems to 'need' us to be partnered in order to satisfy this crazy idea of 'manifest destiny' that constantly gives us the message that we'll only ever be acceptable when we find a partner...and to take it a step further, hook him to a marriage license and have kids.

Having studied therapeutic practices and taken part in them for the past 10 years, I've learned that what helps people in pain most is someone who can identify with their feelings. Ye olde 'pep talk' is not the answer. Someone's not just going to become miraculously happy and learn to love themselves because you tell them to, or because you've found your romantic partner and have a support system to help lift you up when you have one of those days as a fat person where every message you get is "fat is bad."

To borrow a quote from the Fat Lot of Good blog, "When are these people going to realize that shame and self loathing does not encourage people to change their lives? You are not going to make me thin by calling me names and telling me I am lazy gluttonous slob. If that was the way to thin, I would be Rachel Zoe by now." While bobblehead isn't trying to shame us into loving ourselves, telling us to "buck up" and "stop whining and live your life" isn't the way to accomplish her goal either. Understanding is the way to go.

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TGirl: You might also want to think that you mentioned that this thinner counterpart at the party was new, that no one had met her before. Now, while its likely possible what you are saying is true, it could also be said that these people were trying to bring her out and find out more about her. I think when we go through life with such a jaded and bitter attitude towards our thinner sisters, it makes OUR road to self acceptance harder. "why can't I be HER??...or "if only I were thin like HER, I could ..A...B..or C"...
Hon, I am neither jaded nor bitter about this woman. As I wrote in my post, I said she was young, slender and very pretty. How does that indicate jadedness or bitterness? It simply indicates that she's young, slender and very pretty, the same as saying I'm fat indicates that I'm fat. If I'd written that she was a "skinny bitch," "flaunting her thin privilege," etc, then I might concede jadedness and bitterness on my part. But the fact that you read a description of a young, slender, very pretty woman as jaded and bitter tells me more about your feelings towards young, slender women than mine.

Nor were you at the social gathering, so you weren't there to observe the guys and how they acted around this woman. They weren't asking her questions about her job, her studies or what kind of books she likes to read (questions that would indicate they were trying to "draw her out," as you say, and learn more about her). *I* was asking her some of those questions, as were some of the other women in the group. As she was speaking, several guys moved to where she was standing to be closer to her, and other guys inclined their heads in her direction and kept their eyes on her, all subtle indications of physical interest. Even when I'm new in a group of people, I don't observe men reacting to me in this way.

When she left our group and said she was interested in playing a board game, several guys spoke up and said they'd join her...another thing I've rarely had happen when I'm around members of the opposite sex. While playing the board game, one of the guys who had joined her started asking about what kinds of physical activities she likes to do, where she likes to work out, etc. This is a guy who, at most, does a little weight lifting; he's not one to run, play soccer, basketball or handball, or do any very active sport. But he sure seemed interested to find out what gym she likes to go to and where she likes to run when she goes on her morning jog. ...Not that I think the guy would do anything creepy like watch her from the bushes while she's out jogging (I know him pretty well, and I don't think he's that kind of guy), but he definitely seemed interested in what kind of physical stuff she likes to do...again, indicating an interest in the physical that was more than just perfunctory.
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Old 10-24-2010, 09:47 AM   #9
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Maybe she found love by following those 5 steps, I think if you don't have confidence and value yourself without a partner not much is gonna change when you find one.
You misunderstood me, or were selectively reading, one of the two. I agree that if you don't have self confidence and value yourself, it makes it harder to find a romantic partner, and sometimes harder to keep one. My point was that just telling us to "buck up! Stop hating yourself! Be happy! Live your life!" is not going to accomplish that goal. And single women are going to be much less likely to accept that "helpful" advice from a woman who is partnered. When we have one of those days when every message we get seems to be saying "fat is bad," we go home and deal with it on our own. We don't have a partner to be our support system and remind us that we're valued and loved, a partner who is seen by western society as an indication of our value as human beings, particularly as fat women. And after a long period of days like that, when every message we receive seems to be saying "fat is bad," "you're not worthy," we get damn tired of dealing with it on our own and need a place where we can express our feelings about it, around other people who can understand what we're feeling. Just telling us to "live your life! Be happy!" isn't the answer. Try remembering what it's like to be a single fat woman and understand what we're feeling.
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Old 10-24-2010, 10:00 AM   #10
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I think Thirtiesgirl is right in the sense that it is easier to "maintain" a sense of body acceptance when one is "happily" partnered.

While I was self accepting prior to meeting my husband, being with him does make it substantially easier not to struggle with the fat demons. When I go to a social event I no longer hope I meet someone and get disappointed when I see most of the single available men interested in much thinner women. His telling me he loves me as I am does reaffirm my worth. While I agree that you have to love yourself first regardless of who is or is not sharing your life with you, having someone by your side makes it easier to continue on the path to self acceptance.

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Old 10-24-2010, 10:42 AM   #11
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You misunderstood me, or were selectively reading, one of the two. I agree that if you don't have self confidence and value yourself, it makes it harder to find a romantic partner, and sometimes harder to keep one. My point was that just telling us to "buck up! Stop hating yourself! Be happy! Live your life!" is not going to accomplish that goal. And single women are going to be much less likely to accept that "helpful" advice from a woman who is partnered. When we have one of those days when every message we get seems to be saying "fat is bad," we go home and deal with it on our own. We don't have a partner to be our support system and remind us that we're valued and loved, a partner who is seen by western society as an indication of our value as human beings, particularly as fat women. And after a long period of days like that, when every message we receive seems to be saying "fat is bad," "you're not worthy," we get damn tired of dealing with it on our own and need a place where we can express our feelings about it, around other people who can understand what we're feeling. Just telling us to "live your life! Be happy!" isn't the answer. Try remembering what it's like to be a single fat woman and understand what we're feeling.
We live in different worlds coz i don't get the message that "fat is bad" and i don't think a partner would understand he/she would just tell you that you are beautiful just the way you are, which isn't going to be much support if you don't believe it..
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Old 10-24-2010, 11:10 AM   #12
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i think its great to share our issues and problems. i'm ALL for that wholeheartedly. the honesty in that helps everyone. sugar coating things does not help. but at the same time its important not to forget to share the joy. people need to know there is something different from fat misery. they need help in learning how to celebrate themselves. they should be just as comfortable in sharing their good times and positive experiences as they are the bad ones. if they don't have any thats a problem that might have nothing to do with fat at all but the lack of involving oneself in human emotions in the proper way. as in the rest of life we all do a great job complaining. but i think its much harder for people to see what there is to like -especially within themselves. ultimately the responsibility is on us to like ourselves. its unfair to ask the rest of society to like something or support something that you truly don't support or like yourself. if you only tolerate yourself you'll only get grudging toleration at best.

i'm not sure that experiencing a negative emotion over and over is really good for people. i read somewhere that a memory like that gone over and over again creates the same emotions, stress and damaging hormones that the original event did. so it can equal abusing yourself repeatedly the same way someone else did which is not good for anyone's mental or physical health. IMO we create the reality of our future in the things we choose to concentrate and progress toward. if you concentrate on the miseries of being fat then you WILL be miserable. if you concentrate on your perceived unattractiveness,in terms of friendships, work relationships, love relationships or anywhere else you'd like to attract people to your positive energy, you WILL be unattractive since thats what you'll put out. its great to say it for truth and then get off it unless you're expressing it to help someone to let them know you've been through the same and they can make it. but sometimes people do often share their worst experiences and emotions and expect others to wallow permanently with them. thats a dangerous and maybe a destructive president to set. everybody has to be careful of that including me.

women tend to view themselves through a sexual attraction to men too much and don't often have enough certainty that they are attractive as people on their own. they need too much outside validation. self confidence you get through a partner is as fake and as feeble as a leaf in the wind. if he goes it goes. i'm not sure thats a great position to be in. sometimes its as though there is little understanding of the dynamics of a relationship. the weight (no pun intended) is not on sex. people can get fat sex anywhere. afterwards many times no one cares if the person lives or dies anyway. they can take the person or leave the person. it was just sex. if its a relationship you're after its important to work on who you are and your ability to be in a relationship with somebody. that means accepting love and all that comes with it and that doesn't exclude physical attraction or include thinking you have to be a porn queen to get it. your body alone does not and will not make a relationship. anyone who tells you so is a liar and a manipulator and probably some kind of pimp. so relying on being fat or being slender as such a huge element in whether you can have a relationship is short changing you and the person who loves you, and totally disrespectful to you both. people are made of more. being so narrow about that is just torturing yourself and the rest of the world. the world is not such a bad place even for fat people--unless you chose to spend all of your time looking toward the darkside.

you are your own soul mate.
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Old 10-24-2010, 11:28 AM   #13
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I second that above... that is everything i wanted to say..
usually i don't even read long posts i just skim through them, but that was really well written.
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Old 10-24-2010, 12:09 PM   #14
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We live in different worlds coz i don't get the message that "fat is bad" and i don't think a partner would understand he/she would just tell you that you are beautiful just the way you are, which isn't going to be much support if you don't believe it..
Again, I don't disagree with you. But I don't think you're paying close attention to the points I'm making, which you've admitted in this thread with your statement that you tend to skim longer posts. My point is not that everyone "has to" be partnered. I'm a strong advocate of singlehood and not partnering up just for the possibility of having a support system or expecting your partner to solve all your personal issues. My point is that when you have a partner, I don't think it's really your place to tell single people to "just buck up, just be happy."

Maybe you've never gone through a day where you've received messages from the world at large that "fat is bad," and I think you're one of the fortunate few. But I have and I know many other women who have on a near constant basis. Going home to a partner is not going to solve that issue for me or make it go away, but it does make it easier to share with another person who is truly there for you, is understanding of your emotional process and loves you for who you are. Plus, there's the added benefit of the rest of the world assuming that you're "accepted" and "acceptable" because you've achieved partnerhood. Fat women have enough of an issue being seen as 'socially acceptable' as it is. I've long observed fat friends who find a partner suddenly receiving subtle appraisal from family, friends and co-workers because they're no longer single. I'm not saying it's right, but it happens. And in most cases, it's not intentional. There's a subconscious sigh of relief and appraisal of the newly partnered person that many people are unaware they're showing, simply because we've all been trained for so long that being partnered is the ultimate goal. And it can make engaging with the world as a fat person that much easier, something that single fat people don't get to experience.
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Old 10-24-2010, 12:15 PM   #15
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they need help in learning how to celebrate themselves. they should be just as comfortable in sharing their good times and positive experiences as they are the bad ones. if they don't have any thats a problem that might have nothing to do with fat at all but the lack of involving oneself in human emotions in the proper way. as in the rest of life we all do a great job complaining. but i think its much harder for people to see what there is to like -especially within themselves. ultimately the responsibility is on us to like ourselves. its unfair to ask the rest of society to like something or support something that you truly don't support or like yourself. if you only tolerate yourself you'll only get grudging toleration at best.
I agree, but again, I feel it's not fair or right for a partnered person to tell single people how to be. It's like a thin person trying to tell fat people how to be. We're not coming from the same place or sharing the same experiences, and that's not helpful for fat or single people.

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i'm not sure that experiencing a negative emotion over and over is really good for people.
I agree, but I think there's a difference in occasionally expressing your frustration with your singlehood and lack of confidence as a fat person on a board for fat people and for support of size acceptance than constantly reliving your negative feelings and experiences. I think we should be allowed to express how we feel without someone telling us how to be, particularly someone who is partnered.
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Old 10-24-2010, 12:17 PM   #16
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So give us gals who haven't yet found the right partner a break, don't condemn us for expressing the hurt we often feel in trying to navigate life on our own, and remember that it's easier to see the greener grass on your side of the fence when you've got a partner to go home to.
oh, lord.

Look, I think it's a mistake to assume the OP is talking about you, or other women who have talked about feeling low b/c they are single. I think, at best, you can say the OP MIGHT have been talking about single women complaining. But she might have been talking about women being bummed about long lines at the movies, or how everything pizza never has enough everything, or whatever. What does it help you to assume she's condemning you, or not giving you a break? In this thread, you seem committed to thinking she doesn't care about you, but do you really have any solid proof about that? For that reason, I have to tell you that I think your reponse to her is much more about you than it is about her. I feel like you're expressing something that you may not realize you're expressing here, and I wanted to tell you that. If you really feel she's targeting you, why not ask? Why not say: I read your message as ... and would like to ask you if you mean ... If so, this is what I think about that.

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Old 10-24-2010, 12:26 PM   #17
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oh, lord.

Look, I think it's a mistake to assume the OP is talking about you, or other women who have talked about feeling low b/c they are single. I think, at best, you can say the OP MIGHT have been talking about single women complaining. But she might have been talking about women being bummed about long lines at the movies, or how everything pizza never has enough everything, or whatever. What does it help you to assume she's condemning you, or not giving you a break? In this thread, you seem committed to thinking she doesn't care about you, but do you really have any solid proof about that? For that reason, I have to tell you that I think your reponse to her is much more about you than it is about her. I feel like you're expressing something that you may not realize you're expressing here, and I wanted to tell you that. If you really feel she's targeting you, why not ask? Why not say: I read your message as ... and would like to ask you if you mean ... If so, this is what I think about that.
I don't, in fact, feel she's targeting me because I haven't created threads about feeling a lack of confidence or feeling frustrated about being single on this forum. I do sometimes feel those things, but I haven't created threads about them here. Therefore, I don't feel bobblehead was making reference to me, specifically, but to other women on this forum who have created threads about feeling a lack of self confidence or lamenting their singlehood, and sharing their feelings openly about it. And as I wrote in my previous post, I don't feel it's fair of her to tell single women here to "just live your life, just be happy" unless she's a single woman herself. It's like thin people trying to tell fat people how to be. We're not coming from the same perspective, we're not sharing the same experiences, so advice such as this is not helpful to us. If you want to be helpful, try understanding. Try seeing things from our perspective, for a change.
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Old 10-24-2010, 12:39 PM   #18
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Again, I don't disagree with you. But I don't think you're paying close attention to the points I'm making, which you've admitted in this thread with your statement that you tend to skim longer posts. My point is not that everyone "has to" be partnered. I'm a strong advocate of singlehood and not partnering up just for the possibility of having a support system or expecting your partner to solve all your personal issues. My point is that when you have a partner, I don't think it's really your place to tell single people to "just buck up, just be happy."

.
i get where you're coming from. i just wanted to add that i kinda know BHD and felt she was just as happy when she was single. thats something i liked about her a lot. she never bemoaned being single to me. i knew she was looking like a lot of people but when we were together she was never miserable about it. she was just out there getting to know people and finding her fit like anyone fat or thin. what i love about her is that she never seemed to feel sorry for herself even then. so i don't think her having a partner has made her any different . i know she felt the same way when she was single. we talked about it face to face. she understood that the looking part was just a part of life for everybody and not something people should beat themselves up for having to do. i dunno but it seems healthier to approach it that way than as some kind of personal failing thats bound to beset a fat person because other people might not think we look right. we don't need yet another reason to beat ourselves up for being fat. i think thats a scary idea. i'm not sure its helpful to anybody. i don't want to invalidate anyone's feelings who say its a hard road to tow. but at the same time i wouldn't ever want to invalidate BHD's because if more of us could get with that program we'd probably be better off. its that old conflict between real and ideal. people have to be able to state the ideal because real needs a direction to go in.

i'm not so sure its about "just buck up and be happy" as it is "be sure not to wallow because if you are looking for a mate or anything else positive you're sure to miss it/them if you're concentrating on your misery navel". but more than that should it be about partnering anyway? i don't feel thats the only thing she was addressing. can't BBWs just be happy within themselves? why should they put the whole weight of their happiness and well being on a guy? is that even fair to him? i doubt that most people would want that responsibility and i wouldn't blame them. no wonder they'd run. even if it is about partnering wouldn't someone actually doing it have a lot thats valuable to say since it would be a little less blind leading the blind? for instance wouldn't a married woman have MORE to say about how to get or be married since she has actually done it or is doing it than someone who never has and is having a hard time making a connection? couldn't it be a relief to some people to hear its not as big or as bad of a deal as you think. i think maybe we need to be careful that we aren't looking for company in our misery both temporary and otherwise and that we don't end up doing what lots of women do--that is resenting anything that makes us feel even more of a failure by comparison. we might need to stop looking at things as some kind of negative comparison and more as an inspiration. "she did it so its not impossible for me" kind of thing. good news for a fat woman shouldn't equal worse bad news for the rest of us . it needs to be more good news for the rest of us. we have to remember to take encouragement and nourishment in those things we see in others that we want.

even without the partnering issue i do think she has something especially valuable to say about watching the overall tone and making sure we don't get too down in the dumps about every issue or subject whether its relationships or not. we have to be careful not to create some kind of negative self fulfilling prophecy for people. shouldn't it be be more about "you can because you're fat" than "you can't because you're fat"?
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Old 10-24-2010, 12:49 PM   #19
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I don't, in fact, feel she's targeting me because I haven't created threads about feeling a lack of confidence or feeling frustrated about being single on this forum. I do sometimes feel those things, but I haven't created threads about them here. Therefore, I don't feel bobblehead was making reference to me, specifically, but to other women on this forum who have created threads about feeling a lack of self confidence or lamenting their singlehood, and sharing their feelings openly about it. And as I wrote in my previous post, I don't feel it's fair of her to tell single women here to "just live your life, just be happy" unless she's a single woman herself. It's like thin people trying to tell fat people how to be. We're not coming from the same perspective, we're not sharing the same experiences, so advice such as this is not helpful to us. If you want to be helpful, try understanding. Try seeing things from our perspective, for a change.
What perspective, 30s? The fat and single perspective? I've just become involved with someone after being single for 20 years. TWENTY YEARS. IN A ROW. A LONG, LONG ROW. So I'm not sure what you mean when you say 'for a change.' In fact, when I read that line, I laughed out loud.

I find it difficult to understand your first post and the post above in concert with one another. I didn't say you started threads, but you did say 'give us a break' and 'navigating life on our own.' You're allover those phrases, but now you don't feel she's addressing you? While I'm frustrated by our exchange, I'm not trying to attack you, I just truly don't understand what you're saying, here.

And, perhaps the OP changed her original post. Perhaps she removed comments about single women and complaining about not having partners. Perhaps you read that before she changed it, and responded to it. Is that what happened? Your reply would make more sense if that were the case.
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Old 10-24-2010, 01:17 PM   #20
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What perspective, 30s? The fat and single perspective? I've just become involved with someone after being single for 20 years. TWENTY YEARS. IN A ROW. A LONG, LONG ROW. So I'm not sure what you mean when you say 'for a change.' In fact, when I read that line, I laughed out loud.
Yes, the fat and single perspective. How dare I stand up for single people and say that we should be allowed to express our frustrations about being single and not have partnered people tell us how to be! The audacity! Such a downer! And for the record, the 'for a change' was not directed at you, but at bobblehead.

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I find it difficult to understand your first post and the post above in concert with one another. I didn't say you started threads, but you did say 'give us a break' and 'navigating life on our own.' You're allover those phrases, but now you don't feel she's addressing you? While I'm frustrated by our exchange, I'm not trying to attack you, I just truly don't understand what you're saying, here.
If you're not attacking me and have a genuine interest in my feelings about this thread, then why do I feel so attacked? In an effort to play fair and give your 'non-attacking' questions a fair shake, I'll answer your initial question again in hopes that you might pay attention this time. I didn't feel bobblehead was addressing me specifically with her post. But I'm a single person myself, which is why I include myself in statements I've made about single people in this thread, such as "give us a break," etc. While bobblehead is not going after me specifically, she is making a statement about single people on this forum, coming from the perspective of a partnered person. As an advocate for singlehood, I felt a need to speak up.

Bobblehead's post also came hot on the heels of Isamarie's threads in the BBW forum about feeling a lack of confidence and not always liking dealing with being single and the dating scene. I felt her statements were directed at Isamarie and some of the single women here who can identify with Isa's feelings about lacking confidence and feeling frustration with the dating scene, such as myself. I felt like bobblehead was glossing over our experiences and telling us to "just be happy," "just enjoy life," which is not what single women need to hear from someone who is partnered. Just like I don't need to hear Jillian Michaels tell me what an unacceptable, unlovable slob I am simply because I'm fat.
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Old 10-24-2010, 01:21 PM   #21
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i'm not understanding something here. why is this an attack on single people? i didn't see that anywhere in her post. was it there before or something?
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Old 10-24-2010, 01:25 PM   #22
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Just like I don't need to hear Jillian Michaels tell me what an unacceptable, unlovable slob I am simply because I'm fat.
Except that Bobbleheaddoll didn't suggest anything of the sort.

I'm single, I didn't read her post as anything other than her saying get out and live life. We get one shot at it and if we spend time waiting around for someone to share it with, its gonna pass us by.
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Old 10-24-2010, 01:28 PM   #23
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i get where you're coming from. i just wanted to add that i kinda know BHD and felt she was just as happy when she was single. thats something i liked about her a lot. she never bemoaned being single to me. i knew she was looking like a lot of people but when we were together she was never miserable about it. she was just out there getting to know people and finding her fit like anyone fat or thin. what i love about her is that she never seemed to feel sorry for herself even then. so i don't think her having a partner has made her any different . i know she felt the same way when she was single. we talked about it face to face. she understood that the looking part was just a part of life for everybody and not something people should beat themselves up for having to do. i dunno but it seems healthier to approach it that way than as some kind of personal failing thats bound to beset a fat person because other people might not think we look right. we don't need yet another reason to beat ourselves up for being fat. i think thats a scary idea. i'm not sure its helpful to anybody. i don't want to invalidate anyone's feelings who say its a hard road to tow. but at the same time i wouldn't ever want to invalidate BHD's because if more of us could get with that program we'd probably be better off. its that old conflict between real and ideal. people have to be able to state the ideal because real needs a direction to go in.
I'm glad bobblehead was able to stay positive while single and dating. But that's not true for all of us all of the time and I feel it's unfair to tell those of us who are still struggling with it to "just be happy," "just live your life." It doesn't work that way for all of us and having our feelings invalidated by someone who is partnered isn't helpful and won't get us on the road to discovering self-fulfillment (with a partner or without) any time sooner.

I agree that we don't need another reason to beat ourselves up, to continuously engage in negative self-talk. But the best way to get through it and discover our own fulfillment is on our own, maybe with the help of a good therapist, and without partnered people telling us how to be, how to hurry up and discover the end of the rainbow simply because they've found theirs. Sometimes while you're walking your own path to self-fulfillment, it helps to have a place to come and express your feelings about how hard it can sometimes be to walk the walk, with people who can understand and identify where you're coming from, without people who will tell you how to be simply because they found their way to self-fulfillment before you did.
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Old 10-24-2010, 01:29 PM   #24
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Except that Bobbleheaddoll didn't suggest anything of the sort.

I'm single, I didn't read her post as anything other than her saying get out and live life. We get one shot at it and if we spend time waiting around for someone to share it with, its gonna pass us by.
It's an analogy ...........................
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Old 10-24-2010, 01:30 PM   #25
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I'm personally not good with unsolicited advice unless it comes from a source very close to me. Beyond that, though, I guess what I don't understand is why it's considered "unfair" for a partnered/married woman to give advice to a single woman? Please tell me I don't have to point out that partnered/married women were formerly single, so perhaps they can lend a perspective that a woman who has never been partnered might not have. That perspective may be spot on, or it could be complete hooey...so I am not saying that advice from a partnered/married woman is any more valid than from a single woman. Both have merit, in my opinion.

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