Dimensions Forums  
Home Register Premium Membership Health Issues Market Place Big Fashion

Go Back   Dimensions Forums > Discussion > Fat sexuality



Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 12-30-2010, 11:13 PM   #26
thatgirl08
KNOW IT ALL
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,916
thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
i think you really hit on it. its not so much that the sex is necessarily bad, though thats bad enough. i think the worse problem for her is the seeming lack of care or trying. that spells doom in my book. if he were trying really hard at least something would have gotten better. there is nothing worse than a partner who doesn't really care that you have your needs met. i think all too often for men and women a lot of us are put in that position where we are supposed to sublimate our needs or desires for the happiness of someone else. i think her partner feels that if he does everything else right and waits her out she will stay because of the security in the rest of the relationship. in a way she has been doing just that. i hope for her sake she wakes up and moves on. it would be a shame to let someone willing to try to give her everything she wants pass her by while she bides her time with this guy.
Yeah, like you said I think it's the lack of willingness to improve. Someone may say they want to make things more satisfying for you but if there is little to no improvement in three years, they aren't trying that hard. There are some problems like having trouble getting it up or not lasting that long or going dry or having pain that may be psychologically routed, and I can understand that that would take some serious time and effort to work out.. but this girl doesn't seem to be having THAT type of problem.. she seems to want her guy to say or do certain things and for whatever reason he isn't. I'm gathering this based on her description of him wanting high school vanilla whereas she wants some crazy karma sutra shit. Like if I buy a karma sutra book and mark a few positions I'd like to try and then we go to have sex and my boyfriend is resisting my attempts to get him to try these new positions, that's not lack of ability.. that's purely not complying. Maybe this weird position doesn't turn you on, maybe you just want some easy missionary.. but if it's important to your girlfriend that you try these things, then just do it. I don't understand peoples reluctance to do new or unusual things in bed. If I were in a relationship with someone, I would want to make them happy and I would do pretty much anything in my power to satisfy their fantasies (within reason.. no kidsanimalspoop.) Maybe that's why it bothers me so much when someone isn't willing to do the same because I read it as selfishness. Like seriously if your girlfriend goes out and buys a karma sutra book and marks a position she wants to try and you're not considerate enough to surprise her by giving it a whirl, you don't deserve a girlfriend.
thatgirl08 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-31-2010, 02:10 AM   #27
LovelyLiz
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,247
LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!
Default

While Dan Savage and I disagree on a good many things...I do like his concept of "GGG" that he talks about regarding sexual partners. He says that to have a satisfying sexual relationship, both partners need to be GGG: Good, Giving, and Game.

Good: Know what they're doing and willing to get the skills necessary to please their partner.

Giving: Allowing equal time and pleasure to both partners - not being selfish.

Game: In general, up for trying things out that your partner suggests.


I wouldn't want to be in a long-term committed relationship or marriage with someone who wasn't all of these things.

However, I also agree with a friend of mine, who got married about a year ago and said that the guy she was marrying just wasn't as great a kisser as her last boyfriend, but that it was alright with her. There were other factors that mattered a lot more in a lifelong mate than whether he really was THE BEST kisser ever. The best kisser I have experienced as of yet is a 40-something year old man who lives with his mom, has a pile of debt, is deeply selfish, and doesn't really know how to make friends. In light of all that, I'll settle for someone who's less of a good kisser.
LovelyLiz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-31-2010, 02:14 AM   #28
bonified
cannabis connoisseur
 
bonified's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 338
bonified is a member of the 500 clubbonified is a member of the 500 clubbonified is a member of the 500 clubbonified is a member of the 500 clubbonified is a member of the 500 clubbonified is a member of the 500 club
Default

I dunno if the word "settle" should ever come into it. But kissing is easy, pin that fucker down and teach him proper.
__________________
You cannot gain respect through fear, and without respect, you cannot truly love ~ me.
bonified is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-31-2010, 02:21 AM   #29
LovelyLiz
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,247
LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bonified View Post
I dunno if the word "settle" should ever come into it. But kissing is easy, pin that fucker down and teach him proper.
Some guys will improve, yes, but I think it's simply reality that there are some guys out there who try as they might will just never reach epic casanova kissing levels... I think there are some aspects of it that just can't be taught. (And some that can be...and should be!)
LovelyLiz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-31-2010, 02:34 AM   #30
bonified
cannabis connoisseur
 
bonified's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 338
bonified is a member of the 500 clubbonified is a member of the 500 clubbonified is a member of the 500 clubbonified is a member of the 500 clubbonified is a member of the 500 clubbonified is a member of the 500 club
Default

Well for me I've yet to meet a kisser that didn't have it or couldnt get it. Kissing is based on joint yet individual expression, no two people will ever kiss the same it's unfair to compare. The fun for me is finding your new groove with the new person, learning exploring teaching, asking, telling, slapping and pinching if needs be, and if they still aren't onto it, then telling and showing again, rinse, repeat etc
__________________
You cannot gain respect through fear, and without respect, you cannot truly love ~ me.
bonified is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-31-2010, 04:34 AM   #31
oceanmachine
 
oceanmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: the lonely city of leeds, uk
Posts: 48
oceanmachine can now be the recipient of "two cans" jokesoceanmachine can now be the recipient of "two cans" jokes
Default

without reading through the whole thread; depends if it can be worked through or if opening the relationship would work. some people aren't about sex at all in a relationship, but if the other half isn't that way inclined then looking elsewhere will eventually happen. just depends if honesty won't cause any friction or not. if it would then the sex life will eventually tear the relationship apart
oceanmachine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-31-2010, 08:20 AM   #32
toni
In the know
 
toni's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: EWR
Posts: 2,962
toni has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!toni has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!toni has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!toni has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!toni has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!toni has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!toni has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!toni has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!toni has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!toni has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!toni has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by thatgirl08 View Post
. If I were in a relationship with someone, I would want to make them happy and I would do pretty much anything in my power to satisfy their fantasies (within reason.. no kidsanimalspoop.) Maybe that's why it bothers me so much when someone isn't willing to do the same because I read it as selfishness. Like seriously if your girlfriend goes out and buys a karma sutra book and marks a position she wants to try and you're not considerate enough to surprise her by giving it a whirl, you don't deserve a girlfriend.
I wish I could rep you. You hit it right on the head. I couldn't agree with you more.
toni is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-31-2010, 10:16 AM   #33
fat9276
 
fat9276's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 3,917
fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by thatgirl08 View Post
I would never be in the position where I would have to divorce my husband because he sucked in bed because why the hell would I commit to him in the first place? 3 years may not be that long in the long run by why commit to the long run if you aren't happy in the first 3 years? I'm not seeing this logic. If I felt that ANY major aspect of my relationship was seriously lacking despite my best efforts to improve it, I'd break it off. The last thing on earth I'd want to do is legally bind myself to this person.

As far as "good sex" I agree that it can be defined a million different ways. But if for YOU good sex is xyz and you aren't getting xyz and you're unhappy.. why stay in it for the long haul? There's probably plenty of guys out there who can satisfy you both sexually and emotionally so why settle for the one who only makes you happy in one way? Clicking with someone on an emotional level is great but like someone said up thread, without sex it's just friendship.
I understand what you are saying but honestly I think the girl in the "Dear Abby" letter is selfish! She says she connects emotionally and LOVES her boyfriend. She also said that while taking a break he didn't want to nor did he "sleep around", yet she did? Yeah, that sounds like love To me she sounds like she disconnects emotionally when it comes down to the physical part of the relationship. Plus we do not know his side. Maybe he was molested or brought up in a repressive way... too many variables.

Also there are people in this world (believe it or not) who for personal, cultural and/or religious reason can't or won't have sex until they are married. Now if you require the person to "cut the mustard" before, then that is your decision, belief, requirement etc.

I guess I don't understand how a person can love someone deeply and have feelings and emotions and when it comes time to get naked with them how you can't find pleasure in looking at them, touching them, listening to them, being so close to them... the mental, emotional, etc should make the physical heightened IMO. Even if all it is is "vanilla teenage sex" as the girl said. If you choose a person who loves you and treats you very well and is deeply attached to you, I do not really think there is going to be a problem. And you can disagree, but that's just how I see it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mcbeth View Post
While Dan Savage and I disagree on a good many things...I do like his concept of "GGG" that he talks about regarding sexual partners. He says that to have a satisfying sexual relationship, both partners need to be GGG: Good, Giving, and Game.

Good: Know what they're doing and willing to get the skills necessary to please their partner.

Giving: Allowing equal time and pleasure to both partners - not being selfish.

Game: In general, up for trying things out that your partner suggests.


I wouldn't want to be in a long-term committed relationship or marriage with someone who wasn't all of these things.

However, I also agree with a friend of mine, who got married about a year ago and said that the guy she was marrying just wasn't as great a kisser as her last boyfriend, but that it was alright with her. There were other factors that mattered a lot more in a lifelong mate than whether he really was THE BEST kisser ever. The best kisser I have experienced as of yet is a 40-something year old man who lives with his mom, has a pile of debt, is deeply selfish, and doesn't really know how to make friends. In light of all that, I'll settle for someone who's less of a good kisser.
I love this mcbeth and agree, although I think if you have the latter part the "good" will happen naturally
fat9276 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-31-2010, 10:53 AM   #34
LovelyLiz
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,247
LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by fat9276 View Post
I love this mcbeth and agree, although I think if you have the latter part the "good" will happen naturally
I really hope this is true, too. Have you actually experienced this? I mean, not necessarily even in sex - but just in other physical things - kissing, the way he touches you, etc.?
LovelyLiz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-31-2010, 11:03 AM   #35
thatgirl08
KNOW IT ALL
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,916
thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by fat9276 View Post
I understand what you are saying but honestly I think the girl in the "Dear Abby" letter is selfish! She says she connects emotionally and LOVES her boyfriend. She also said that while taking a break he didn't want to nor did he "sleep around", yet she did? Yeah, that sounds like love To me she sounds like she disconnects emotionally when it comes down to the physical part of the relationship. Plus we do not know his side. Maybe he was molested or brought up in a repressive way... too many variables.

Also there are people in this world (believe it or not) who for personal, cultural and/or religious reason can't or won't have sex until they are married. Now if you require the person to "cut the mustard" before, then that is your decision, belief, requirement etc.

I guess I don't understand how a person can love someone deeply and have feelings and emotions and when it comes time to get naked with them how you can't find pleasure in looking at them, touching them, listening to them, being so close to them... the mental, emotional, etc should make the physical heightened IMO. Even if all it is is "vanilla teenage sex" as the girl said. If you choose a person who loves you and treats you very well and is deeply attached to you, I do not really think there is going to be a problem. And you can disagree, but that's just how I see it.
Okay, so her boyfriend isn't making a serious attempt to meet her needs and SHE is the selfish one. There is such a prehistoric attitude towards women and sex.. we aren't supposed to demand that OUR needs be met, we aren't supposed to sleep around, it's not okay for us to say that we aren't happy. If sex is important to this woman, why should she settle for any less? That doesn't make her selfish.. it means she's realistic and in tune with her own personal expectations of a good relationship. I'm sure she would have mentioned molestation if it was a factor in the situation, but regardless, if for whatever reason they are not clicking in this aspect.. why should she just be okay with that? Why shouldn't she find someone that she is happy with in both ways?

Yes, there are people who wait until marriage to have sex.. I'm just saying that for ME I would absolutely never be in a marriage with someone who I didn't connect with in bed because there is absolutely no way in hell I would marry anyone I hadn't already slept with.

It's possible. I cared deeply for the guy I was with and for awhile, just being together was enough but it quickly became not enough. Once again, I'm not saying I'm a sex goddess of any kind.. but one thing I know I'm good at is finding out what makes someone tick. With my ex I wore certain things that I knew he liked and I said and did certain things that I know turned him on. And, I made sure he had an orgasm EVERY time. I also consistently communicated with him and got feedback to make sure that I was on the right track and doing things he liked. It's not rocket science.. it's being a considerate partner. I didn't receive the same in return, so I pushed and pushed and pushed and still didn't get it, so I opened the relationship and then quickly ended it. If that makes me selfish, then so be it.

Also, there's a whole emotional aspect to it that I think you're not considering. It wasn't JUST about the sex. It made me feel like he didn't really care about me in general because if he did, why wasn't he willing to do these very basic things for me? Why was he being (what I considered to be) selfish in bed? I felt.. used, almost. And towards the end, he made me feel like some sort of sex addicted freak because I wanted sex so much more often than he did. He made me feel like shit because I wanted so much more out of our sex life and he didn't. At the time, I felt guilty and I felt like maybe something was wrong with me that I was being like this. As of today, it's literally been a year since we broke up and I can clearly 100% say that I was not being unreasonable. I'm not going to say it was his fault or anything.. he's a good guy, he didn't mean to hurt me.. but it's just how it was, for whatever reason (my guess - different maturity levels.) Why should I have to apologize for standing up for myself and what I want?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mcbeth View Post
While Dan Savage and I disagree on a good many things...I do like his concept of "GGG" that he talks about regarding sexual partners. He says that to have a satisfying sexual relationship, both partners need to be GGG: Good, Giving, and Game.

Good: Know what they're doing and willing to get the skills necessary to please their partner.

Giving: Allowing equal time and pleasure to both partners - not being selfish.

Game: In general, up for trying things out that your partner suggests.


I wouldn't want to be in a long-term committed relationship or marriage with someone who wasn't all of these things.

However, I also agree with a friend of mine, who got married about a year ago and said that the guy she was marrying just wasn't as great a kisser as her last boyfriend, but that it was alright with her. There were other factors that mattered a lot more in a lifelong mate than whether he really was THE BEST kisser ever. The best kisser I have experienced as of yet is a 40-something year old man who lives with his mom, has a pile of debt, is deeply selfish, and doesn't really know how to make friends. In light of all that, I'll settle for someone who's less of a good kisser.
Yeah, GGG is a good way to sum it up. I agree with your friend also though. I don't expect my partner to be the best kisser and the best in bed or the funniest, most successful, most attractive, most thoughtful, etc. person I've ever dated. He can't be perfect in every aspect. But, he has to be 'satisfactory' (according to my personal expectations, that is) in every aspect.

Last edited by thatgirl08; 12-31-2010 at 11:09 AM.
thatgirl08 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-31-2010, 12:33 PM   #36
paintsplotch
paint me happy
 
paintsplotch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern MA
Posts: 236
paintsplotch has super-sized reppaintsplotch has super-sized reppaintsplotch has super-sized reppaintsplotch has super-sized rep
Default

honestly.. i find that i go to great lengths to find what my partner likes/wants/needs sexually and emotionally.
my hope is to find someone who does the same. so far i have not found a man who is willing to do things for me and reciprocate the efforts i put into a relationship and intimacy.
i will wear things for my man... i did research on bjs (yes.. i did... crazy? prolly... but i learned alot and have compliments)... i take great effort to remember things he says about what he likes and doesnt like.
i personally like certain things and have not found men who will do "it" for me. i find that selfish. i am often quiet about it, but after a while, i start bringing it up.... like... do you like it when i do xyz?... do you think you can do xyz for me also?....
its nothing gross.... (to me)... i go down on my man... i would like the same. (visiting the south american rain forrest if you will).... i mow the lawn... i think he should too... manscaping is important.
i want that... i want someone to listen and take mental notes....

some day...

:::: dreams ::::
__________________
~a dog is the only creature on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. :wubu:
paintsplotch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-31-2010, 02:15 PM   #37
lovelocs
Nunc est Bibendum
 
lovelocs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Squaresville USA
Posts: 1,102
lovelocs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!lovelocs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!lovelocs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!lovelocs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!lovelocs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!lovelocs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!lovelocs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!lovelocs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!lovelocs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!lovelocs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!lovelocs has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
Default

I, personally, have never had "bad sex."
I enjoy all sex for what it is, like I enjoy fine dining or Chicken McNuggets.

Some men have been more skilled than others. But I'd never call sex "bad" or say a lover is "bad" because it would only serve to hurt my lover, and it wouldn't get me any closer to pleasure. During sex, there were some specific behaviors which I may not have appreciated, and when I addressed those, they were usually corrected. If someone didn't care enough to correct the behavior, that's another issue. It's like someone telling you your name is too hard to pronounce. No, it's not.

Personally, I think what happens before or after sex is much more likely to determine whether or not I'll stay in a relationship.
__________________
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Ad astra per alas porci.
lovelocs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2011, 07:15 AM   #38
fat9276
 
fat9276's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 3,917
fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by thatgirl08 View Post
Okay, so her boyfriend isn't making a serious attempt to meet her needs and SHE is the selfish one. There is such a prehistoric attitude towards women and sex.. we aren't supposed to demand that OUR needs be met, we aren't supposed to sleep around, it's not okay for us to say that we aren't happy. If sex is important to this woman, why should she settle for any less? That doesn't make her selfish.. it means she's realistic and in tune with her own personal expectations of a good relationship. I'm sure she would have mentioned molestation if it was a factor in the situation, but regardless, if for whatever reason they are not clicking in this aspect.. why should she just be okay with that? Why shouldn't she find someone that she is happy with in both ways?

Yes, there are people who wait until marriage to have sex.. I'm just saying that for ME I would absolutely never be in a marriage with someone who I didn't connect with in bed because there is absolutely no way in hell I would marry anyone I hadn't already slept with.

It's possible. I cared deeply for the guy I was with and for awhile, just being together was enough but it quickly became not enough. Once again, I'm not saying I'm a sex goddess of any kind.. but one thing I know I'm good at is finding out what makes someone tick. With my ex I wore certain things that I knew he liked and I said and did certain things that I know turned him on. And, I made sure he had an orgasm EVERY time. I also consistently communicated with him and got feedback to make sure that I was on the right track and doing things he liked. It's not rocket science.. it's being a considerate partner. I didn't receive the same in return, so I pushed and pushed and pushed and still didn't get it, so I opened the relationship and then quickly ended it. If that makes me selfish, then so be it.

Also, there's a whole emotional aspect to it that I think you're not considering. It wasn't JUST about the sex. It made me feel like he didn't really care about me in general because if he did, why wasn't he willing to do these very basic things for me? Why was he being (what I considered to be) selfish in bed? I felt.. used, almost. And towards the end, he made me feel like some sort of sex addicted freak because I wanted sex so much more often than he did. He made me feel like shit because I wanted so much more out of our sex life and he didn't. At the time, I felt guilty and I felt like maybe something was wrong with me that I was being like this. As of today, it's literally been a year since we broke up and I can clearly 100% say that I was not being unreasonable. I'm not going to say it was his fault or anything.. he's a good guy, he didn't mean to hurt me.. but it's just how it was, for whatever reason (my guess - different maturity levels.) Why should I have to apologize for standing up for myself and what...

First, I am a woman and think we should not be afraid nor shy away from saying what we want out of a relationship, be it sex, time, kindness, attention and so on and so on.

Second, no one is saying (especially me) that you can't or won't do what YOU feel you need to do. I just answered the question, as did you. We obviously just have different views and different answers.

I am sorry you were made to feel as you did/do and I hope you get and find what you are looking for fully. But no one is asking or telling you to apologize. The question was opened for any and all to answer.

I think the girl in the post is selfish because from all else she says the guy is great but they couldn't get past "vanilla sex"... she says they have been together 3 years which leads me to believe the "vanilla" was good in the beginning but she wants more more more. And if she is unsatisfied and it is bringing her this much misery, then yes... she should get OUT! The relationship is in danger of being destroyed anyway, because 1) she is so miserable about this issue 2) he probably is growing weary (or will) of her being unhappy and pushing the issue. But I still look at it from both sides of the coin. He fulfills her emotionally, she loves him? Is she connected this way when they get physical? She brought up karma sutra... correct me if I am wrong but karma sutra is an inner process as well as physical, yes? If I understand the philosophy correctly...

I don't know. Sex in a relationship (especially a lifelong one) is so varied. For pure pleasure. For reproduction. For closeness and to express love. For just wanting to please your partner (they want to and you are not exactly in the mood) etc. It, like anything in the relationship, will have its ups and downs.
fat9276 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2011, 08:56 AM   #39
willowmoon
Don't Panic!
 
willowmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Northeast Wisconsin
Posts: 3,593
willowmoon has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!willowmoon has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!willowmoon has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!willowmoon has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!willowmoon has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!willowmoon has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!willowmoon has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!willowmoon has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!willowmoon has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!willowmoon has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!willowmoon has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
Default

My take on it is that both partners should be willing to work together to make the sexual component of the relationship work, be it if they are married or not. If one partner is selfish and isn't willing to put the effort into it, it would make me question whether or not that person will be just as selfish or uninvolved in other aspects of the relationship. And that's just not fair.

Sex isn't THE most important part of a long-term relationship, but it's definitely important enough, I think.
willowmoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2011, 10:34 AM   #40
KingColt
 
KingColt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 180
KingColt has super-sized repKingColt has super-sized repKingColt has super-sized repKingColt has super-sized rep
Default

The best reason for a breakup is you unsatisfied, bad sex may very well lead to that.
__________________
screw you guys, Im going home[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
KingColt is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2011, 11:59 AM   #41
superodalisque
 
superodalisque's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: atlanta
Posts: 7,580
superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by KingColt View Post
The best reason for a breakup is you unsatisfied, bad sex may very well lead to that.
had to rep this!
__________________
Ayn Rand: "An emotion that clashes with your reason, an emotion that you cannot explain or control, is only the carcass of that stale thinking which you forbade your mind to revise."
superodalisque is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2011, 12:08 PM   #42
LivingCanvas
 
LivingCanvas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 64
LivingCanvas can now change their title
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by KingColt View Post
The best reason for a breakup is you unsatisfied, bad sex may very well lead to that.
Most definitely agree. It might not have been the deciding factor but it definitely aided in making the decision. There is nothing worse (in terms of the bedroom) than a sexually selfish partner who knows they only think about their own orgasm & have no desire to change. It should be a give & take situation, ya know?
LivingCanvas is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2011, 12:29 PM   #43
joswitch
Exile from Main Board
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,704
joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by thatgirl08 View Post
I would never be in the position where I would have to divorce my husband because he sucked in bed because why the hell would I commit to him in the first place? 3 years may not be that long in the long run by why commit to the long run if you aren't happy in the first 3 years? I'm not seeing this logic. If I felt that ANY major aspect of my relationship was seriously lacking despite my best efforts to improve it, I'd break it off. The last thing on earth I'd want to do is legally bind myself to this person.

As far as "good sex" I agree that it can be defined a million different ways. But if for YOU good sex is xyz and you aren't getting xyz and you're unhappy.. why stay in it for the long haul? There's probably plenty of guys out there who can satisfy you both sexually and emotionally so why settle for the one who only makes you happy in one way? Clicking with someone on an emotional level is great but like someone said up thread, without sex it's just friendship.
^Agree.

I've never run into this problem myself, on account of all five of the LTRs I've been in have more or less started off with great sex... and that great sex (along with a bunch of other things) is what tended to cause me to connect and fall in love with my gf and her with me...
And so we found ourselves in love, and having more great sex...

I struggle to understand how it could work any other way, but people keep telling me it does...

So, when people say things like "just sex" or "it's not just about sex" or "sex is not the be all and end all" then I know that I live in a completely different world passion / sensuality / sex-drive wise from whoever is speaking... And there's unlikely to be any common ground between us on the subject....

Same as when I ask a girl "what kind of music do you like?" and she says "any" or "chart music" or "I don't like music"... Then I know we're from different planets...
__________________
...
joswitch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2011, 06:36 PM   #44
Vespertine
 
Vespertine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 318
Vespertine carries a lot of weight on this boardVespertine carries a lot of weight on this boardVespertine carries a lot of weight on this boardVespertine carries a lot of weight on this boardVespertine carries a lot of weight on this boardVespertine carries a lot of weight on this board
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mcbeth View Post
While Dan Savage and I disagree on a good many things...I do like his concept of "GGG" that he talks about regarding sexual partners. He says that to have a satisfying sexual relationship, both partners need to be GGG: Good, Giving, and Game.
I like the 3Gs, thanks for that!

I'm not sure what a relationship that isn't happening in the bedroom would be, other than a good friendship? I guess there's emotional intimacy, but I can and have had that with friends of various genders.

I've needed to adjust myself to the individual partner's sexual tastes every time, and I never have had problems doing that but I find over time I have gotten increasingly bored with kinks. I found all facets of sexuality fascinating when I was younger and explored a lot, but the more mentally involved or complicated something is the less I like it now. So, I feel for the vanilla sex guy to a degree...but the kama sutra is hardly asking for much imo, and I would exit the relationship on my own if I realized my partner wanted things I couldn't muster enthusiasm for.
Vespertine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2011, 09:14 PM   #45
Fat Brian
retarded disfigured clown
 
Fat Brian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: On a supersonic bacon train.
Posts: 1,623
Fat Brian has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Fat Brian has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Fat Brian has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Fat Brian has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Fat Brian has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Fat Brian has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Fat Brian has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Fat Brian has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Fat Brian has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Fat Brian has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Fat Brian has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
Default

You bring up a very good point. What if he is actually good at vanilla sex but she is wanting him to engage in a kink that he just doesn't share. Maybe they just aren't good together. Each would be fine with a person who shares their sexual style but they don't do it for each other. Some people prefer straight sex while others like a big production with whips and chains and gimp suits and ball gags and the like. Neither is right or wrong but neither is much fun for someone who wants the other.
__________________
Master of the Universe, valid only at participating locations.
Fat Brian is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2011, 09:27 PM   #46
thatgirl08
KNOW IT ALL
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,916
thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!thatgirl08 keeps pushing the rep limit!
Default

I think its fair to ask your partner to engage in a kink with you on occasion though, as long as you're willing to do the same for him/her.
thatgirl08 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2011, 05:35 AM   #47
joswitch
Exile from Main Board
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,704
joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!joswitch has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by thatgirl08 View Post
I think its fair to ask your partner to engage in a kink with you on occasion though, as long as you're willing to do the same for him/her.
^This. It's hard when one partner doesn't have (or refuses to admit) to any kinks, tho'.

Also:
GGG is great.

Karma sutra is mostly a quite silly book, for instance -
"The sex swing???" wtf??? Ever dropped out of rythmn with each other while going at it hard and fast? Owwww!!!!
"The pleasuring of six women at once - two with your feet" oh, yeah, chicks are mad for that!!

Ahahahahaha!
__________________
...
joswitch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2011, 07:04 AM   #48
Tau
IXAMXDECADENCE
 
Tau's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa
Posts: 1,308
Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
Default

I hope you get a man who is man enough to reciprocate *hugz*

My sexual partners have all been technically really good in bed. Like good dancers they knew the right moves but, because there was no love, it was like a dance with no real heart. Yes it felt good but all it felt was good. I hope to have good physical and emotional sex soon and asking for what you want and need to get you there is not selfish, its just pure logic.

Quote:
Originally Posted by paintsplotch View Post
honestly.. i find that i go to great lengths to find what my partner likes/wants/needs sexually and emotionally.
my hope is to find someone who does the same. so far i have not found a man who is willing to do things for me and reciprocate the efforts i put into a relationship and intimacy.
i will wear things for my man... i did research on bjs (yes.. i did... crazy? prolly... but i learned alot and have compliments)... i take great effort to remember things he says about what he likes and doesnt like.
i personally like certain things and have not found men who will do "it" for me. i find that selfish. i am often quiet about it, but after a while, i start bringing it up.... like... do you like it when i do xyz?... do you think you can do xyz for me also?....
its nothing gross.... (to me)... i go down on my man... i would like the same. (visiting the south american rain forrest if you will).... i mow the lawn... i think he should too... manscaping is important.
i want that... i want someone to listen and take mental notes....

some day...

:::: dreams ::::
__________________
"Happiness isn't enough! I demand euphoria!"
http://fiercefotography.blogspot.com/
Tau is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2011, 08:36 AM   #49
superodalisque
 
superodalisque's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: atlanta
Posts: 7,580
superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.superodalisque has ascended what used to be the highest level.
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tau View Post
I hope you get a man who is man enough to reciprocate *hugz*

My sexual partners have all been technically really good in bed. Like good dancers they knew the right moves but, because there was no love, it was like a dance with no real heart. Yes it felt good but all it felt was good. I hope to have good physical and emotional sex soon and asking for what you want and need to get you there is not selfish, its just pure logic.
beautiful and true post.

along this note i wonder exactly why the guy is not exactly going for the goal in this. i was trying to think about what might be going on from his perspective. your post gave me a few ideas. maybe it could be that he loves her but doesn't feel an emotional connection during sex. maybe the emphasis on technique and kink shuts down the creativity and the willingness to explore because there might be something she does or says that makes him feel it over shadows the emotional connection he needs to really get going? after all we are only seeing one side of this.

i know that personally when i do feel the love i become much more willing to do many more things. i enjoy it a lot more as does my partner. but if i'm with a guy and the care isn't evident i shut down. so i don't even bother with people i don't have that with. maybe thats why since i've matured as a person the only sex i've had has been really great where i feel carried away and can do or try nearly anything. i love that feeling. now i really could care less about anything less than that. it takes a little work to get there. it takes time and trust. you can't rush it. it can't just be a hook up. its easy for some people to get off on mainly the physical aspect of sex but for others they need the emotional part to be fully in place to really set that off. so maybe she isn't the only one not having their needs met. who knows?

vanilla sex is absolutely fantastic with the right person in the right frame of mind and in the right emotional place. i'm not downing kink at all when i say that. i think kink is a great way to please and play with a partner and thats very sexy. but if she can't be satisfied without it, which sounds like it could be the case, then maybe its her issues stopping her from being satisfied. whats stopping the simple one on one eye to eye heartbeat to heartbeat from doing it for her as well? maybe she's so fixated on something that she can't appreciate other kinds of pleasure? or maybe she is too afraid of real emotional intimacy that he might need to go further? i dunno but i don't see a lot of feeling in her post, but that doesn't necessarily mean its not there. but it does sound rather cold and technical when i think about it.

she says they have an otherwise satisfying relationship but i'm not sure what that means. overall i didn't come away with a feeling that she loved him and that was the main reason she was suffering emotionally from the lack of the level of sexual intimacy she needed. honestly i think they have a deep affection and liking for each other as friends and are comfortable but it seems like there is no passionate love there. i don't know, but when i have real chemistry with someone it doesn't take them doing much to create a lot of excitement. it only really takes them being who they are. seeing them and hearing their voice is often plenty to get the ball rolling and the rest doesn't follow far behind. so i wonder about whats really going on if it takes so much.
__________________
Ayn Rand: "An emotion that clashes with your reason, an emotion that you cannot explain or control, is only the carcass of that stale thinking which you forbade your mind to revise."

Last edited by superodalisque; 01-03-2011 at 09:02 AM.
superodalisque is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2011, 03:19 PM   #50
fat9276
 
fat9276's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 3,917
fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.fat9276 has ascended what used to be the highest level.
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
beautiful and true post.

along this note i wonder exactly why the guy is not exactly going for the goal in this. i was trying to think about what might be going on from his perspective. your post gave me a few ideas. maybe it could be that he loves her but doesn't feel an emotional connection during sex. maybe the emphasis on technique and kink shuts down the creativity and the willingness to explore because there might be something she does or says that makes him feel it over shadows the emotional connection he needs to really get going? after all we are only seeing one side of this.

i know that personally when i do feel the love i become much more willing to do many more things. i enjoy it a lot more as does my partner. but if i'm with a guy and the care isn't evident i shut down. so i don't even bother with people i don't have that with. maybe thats why since i've matured as a person the only sex i've had has been really great where i feel carried away and can do or try nearly anything. i love that feeling. now i really could care less about anything less than that. it takes a little work to get there. it takes time and trust. you can't rush it. it can't just be a hook up. its easy for some people to get off on mainly the physical aspect of sex but for others they need the emotional part to be fully in place to really set that off. so maybe she isn't the only one not having their needs met. who knows?

vanilla sex is absolutely fantastic with the right person in the right frame of mind and in the right emotional place. i'm not downing kink at all when i say that. i think kink is a great way to please and play with a partner and thats very sexy. but if she can't be satisfied without it, which sounds like it could be the case, then maybe its her issues stopping her from being satisfied. whats stopping the simple one on one eye to eye heartbeat to heartbeat from doing it for her as well? maybe she's so fixated on something that she can't appreciate other kinds of pleasure? or maybe she is too afraid of real emotional intimacy that he might need to go further? i dunno but i don't see a lot of feeling in her post, but that doesn't necessarily mean its not there. but it does sound rather cold and technical when i think about it.

she says they have an otherwise satisfying relationship but i'm not sure what that means. overall i didn't come away with a feeling that she loved him and that was the main reason she was suffering emotionally from the lack of the level of sexual intimacy she needed. honestly i think they have a deep affection and liking for each other as friends and are comfortable but it seems like there is no passionate love there. i don't know, but when i have real chemistry with someone it doesn't take them doing much to create a lot of excitement. it only really takes them being who they are. seeing them and hearing their voice is often plenty to get the ball rolling and the rest doesn't follow far behind. so i wonder about whats really going on if it takes so much.

what you said that I highlighted. yes. thank you! I totally think and feel this (especially the last paragraph).

Last edited by fat9276; 01-03-2011 at 03:21 PM.
fat9276 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:00 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Copyright Dimensions Magazine. All rights reserved worldwide.