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Old 01-03-2011, 03:58 PM   #51
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as an asexual, it saddens me, to the point that i am physically ill, to know that so many people put such a major deal-or-no-deal emphasis on sex.

i guess the concept of love really is dead.
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Old 01-03-2011, 04:11 PM   #52
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as an asexual, it saddens me, to the point that i am physically ill, to know that so many people put such a major deal-or-no-deal emphasis on sex.

i guess the concept of love really is dead.
i don't think wanting sexual fulfillment means love is dead. at its best its a physical act thats an awesome extension of love. for me is a concentration on sex without love that makes me sad. i'm not sure exactly how you describe asexuality for yourself but i get the impression that it might be something not in your experience so it would be really hard for you to understand. just out of curiosity, if you are asexual, what is it that draws you to dims anyway?
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Old 01-03-2011, 04:13 PM   #53
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just out of curiosity, if you are asexual, what is it that draws you to dims anyway?
i can't tell if you're being snarky or not.
so i'm just going to avoid the question and avoid judgment.
thanks.
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Old 01-03-2011, 04:16 PM   #54
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Originally Posted by disconnectedsmile View Post
i can't tell if you're being snarky or not.
so i'm just going to avoid the question and avoid judgment.
thanks.
np. no snark. no judgement at all. i just don't understand thats all. i just have no idea how asexuality works for people and i'm trying to learn instead of making any kind of judgement about something i know absolutely nothing about. sorry if i was too nosey. i tend to just ask things straight out.

hmmm. its just possible that they guy she is with is asexual and just doesn't get what all of the hooplah is about and doesn't have that drive to satisfy or share that kind of pleasure because he just doesn't really know what its all about.
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Old 01-03-2011, 05:48 PM   #55
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Smile Who's Responsible for "Bad Sex?"

I spent the majority of my 50 years thinking there was some man out there that would magically "give me" an orgasm. I did not understand anything but the basic mechanics of sex. I expected my organs to work the same way as a man's and just suddenly work and respond the same way. I spent years fiddling with men who had sex effortlessly, because frankly, "insert penis, have an orgasm" pretty much defined every man I knew. Most of them were unconcerned about whether I enjoyed the experience or not. I then married a man who worked hard on our sex life together over our 28 year marriage. Bless him, it was satisfying in every way but the penis/vagina orgasm and the small fact that we did not really know each other intimately. Friends with benefits is more like it. I still sort of thought that the penis/vagina orgasm was supposed to be shangri-la. However, I discovered post divorce that I was wired differently based on numerous health issues and a hysterectomy at age 48.

I had a lot to learn still. Women are wired differently. I was wired differently. And, there are many kinds of orgasms, all of which are not necessary with a human partner. I always wished I was one of those women who had an orgasm seemingly effortlessly, but I wasn't and I wasted many years blaming men for it. They weren't meeting my needs I told myself. Bah! I divorced at 50 and my sex drive did not go away at all, but increased in direct proportion to the love I felt with a new beau I had met. It was a long distance relationship, therefore, I spent a lot of time diddling myself out of frustration and the need to stay true to our love. Surprisingly, my new man loved my large curves and revelled in my pleasure even though he admitted he did not have a lot of sexual experience. This love of my body was a major first for me. He made me feel loved, cherished, and absurdly sexy. He still does. I discovered that I was becoming very adept at my own sexual response with him vocally (but not locally) cheering me on. I had, with practice, my first orgasm from other than clitoral stimulation with my trusty LDR man's "stand-in:" ye olde dildo after never expecting it and realizing no man was going to give it to me. It was mine to take. I was surprised but delighted to be teaching myself new "tricks!"

I attribute this success to the comfort and ease I feel with this man. When our LDR relationship turned into marriage very recently, we spent our short honeymoon getting to know each other physically before we had to be separated again and I have every confidence that with my own practice and with his loving enthusiasm and willingness to allow me any pleasure I desire, we will have a great sexual future together. Like the commenters before me, I agree that willingness, love, and intimacy in relationships (something that only comes with practice) far outweighs any ineptness stemming from lack of experience. Complete honesty and discussing it BEFORE one is in full sexual throe is essential. It's all like a real breath of fresh air to me.

I wish the original post-er every blessing in finding what they need.
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Old 01-03-2011, 08:32 PM   #56
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Originally Posted by disconnectedsmile View Post
as an asexual, it saddens me, to the point that i am physically ill, to know that so many people put such a major deal-or-no-deal emphasis on sex.

i guess the concept of love really is dead.
I don't think that's a fair thing to say. As an asexual, I don't think you have the ability to appreciate how important sex can be in a romantic relationship because it's not important to you. For many (most?) people love and sex are closely related.. sex within a relationship is usually an expression of love. It doesn't make someone a bad or less loving person because they want sex from their partner.

I also personally don't see why casual sex is often attacked as being such a horrible dirty thing. I've been physically involved, on rare occasion, with people I wasn't romantically involved with but love isn't dead to me.. I've been in love and I hope to fall in love again. Just because sex (even casual sex) is important to me doesn't mean I don't understand or appreciate love. The two are not mutually exclusive. It probably just means you wouldn't be compatible with someone like me.. but that's the beauty of it, we all get to decide what the right fit is for us.
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Old 01-03-2011, 08:56 PM   #57
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I also personally don't see why casual sex is often attacked as being such a horrible dirty thing.
While I think sex is often better once love is in the picture, I've had some damn good sex with people I didn't care a bit for, and that I've cared for, but not loved. Sometimes it scratches an itch that masturbation just won't fill.

The simplest thing to do if you're against casual sex, is to not have any. But if you're okay with it, then go for it.
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Old 01-04-2011, 03:12 AM   #58
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I want a connection beyond genitalia.
Personally.... I agree with Mishty here. Having a great lover would be nice but, having a spouse who is a great "life-partner" is extremely important if, endurance until you part at death is real important goal? I also don't feel love by itself is enough to keep a relationship. What bonds a relationship in one time period may not necessarily the bonding agent in another time period in the relationship. That is why a dynamic relationship is needed for long term endurance.

Now that said, there is no single right line or philosophy here. It varys from person to person. Yes, in the case of marriage most people would like to stay that way but, how much discomfort should one endure before leaving a marriage, to me that is the real question?
Sex can be one issue that is important to you but, something else may be more important. A few decades ago, I was faced with a situation of leaving my marriage because I was dissatisfied with my sex life but, in leaving... I would become a part time father! Being a full time father was 'far' more important to me than anything else in my life. My children are grown but, I am a father figure to three of my grandchildren, for three different children (two of the children live with us). So, I am in the fathering business for at least another decade.
Over a lifetime of a marriage one can not comprehend the changes one or their spouse will face or be affected by as they get older. The work involved in making a marriage work is far harder than one can comprehend when you first get into the relationship but, to me it is worth it in the end.

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Old 01-04-2011, 04:02 AM   #59
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What if he is actually good at vanilla sex but she is wanting him to engage in a kink that he just doesn't share. Maybe they just aren't good together.
Yes, and I am sure this is part of why I often get introduced to people's kinks before the actual person. Saves time, if you're singles and have nothing invested in each other. I appreciate it sometimes, yet find it kind of an unnatural way to relate.

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I think its fair to ask your partner to engage in a kink with you on occasion though, as long as you're willing to do the same for him/her.
Asking is necessary communication but i don't think it should be confused with expecting to get what you asked for. I can't say how it was for you and your ex of course. I'll say it's important for me to give what a partner wants because I want to, not because they expect it. No one has a right to anyone else's sexuality without them wanting to give it, even if it's just because they're selfish and lazy. It would need to be mutual generosity for it to be worth it and right for me.

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when i have real chemistry with someone it doesn't take them doing much to create a lot of excitement. it only really takes them being who they are. seeing them and hearing their voice is often plenty to get the ball rolling and the rest doesn't follow far behind. so i wonder about whats really going on if it takes so much.
Oh yes indeed, this. if I connect with a guy there's really no problems. And I don't know what I would find exciting just because they did.
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Old 01-04-2011, 09:18 AM   #60
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While I think sex is often better once love is in the picture, I've had some damn good sex with people I didn't care a bit for, and that I've cared for, but not loved. Sometimes it scratches an itch that masturbation just won't fill.

The simplest thing to do if you're against casual sex, is to not have any. But if you're okay with it, then go for it.
yes, exactly. it works for some people. doesn't work for others. either is okay. its just important to know what you want , who you are and what you like or can personally handle. it really doesn't matter at all what other people do or like as long as you are being true to yourself, not running away from your real feelings or expecting everyone else to sublimate who they are to your needs and wishes.
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Old 01-04-2011, 09:26 AM   #61
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It would need to be mutual generosity for it to be worth it and right for me.
i love this term, mutual generosity. its exactly what i have in mind as the optimum. you know, when you meet someone and you are through the roof for them and they are for you too. sex becomes sort of a mutual appreciation society. and you can't seem to stop yourselves from doing anything you can think of to give each other as much pleasure as possible. so its not just about what you get. what you give also adds a level of excitement all its own. in that ideal situation, having your partner feel highly aroused gives fuel to your own fire as well. if you don't feel that way about someone i think its difficult to bring sex up to that level even if it is satisfying.
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Old 01-04-2011, 08:03 PM   #62
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I think the girl in the post is selfish because from all else she says the guy is great but they couldn't get past "vanilla sex"... she says they have been together 3 years which leads me to believe the "vanilla" was good in the beginning but she wants more more more.
I disagree with the bolded bit. I believe that when we first get with someone, we tend to gloss over their inadequacies especially if they are great outside of bed. There is no knowing if the girl in question was ever satisfied with vanilla sex. I see the three years as her giving him plenty of leeway for shyness, inadequacy, possible bad experiences and whatnot. From my experience at least, kinks are normally not introduced until both parties have had an adequate time to get comfortable with each other.

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i don't think wanting sexual fulfillment means love is dead. at its best its a physical act thats an awesome extension of love. for me is a concentration on sex without love that makes me sad. i'm not sure exactly how you describe asexuality for yourself but i get the impression that it might be something not in your experience so it would be really hard for you to understand. just out of curiosity, if you are asexual, what is it that draws you to dims anyway?
SuperO, asexual people are not all alike. Most are attracted to a certain gender, many have physical preferences when it comes to a partner and some even have fetishes that may seem sexual in nature but they are all disconnected from intercourse with another person.

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I don't think that's a fair thing to say. As an asexual, I don't think you have the ability to appreciate how important sex can be in a romantic relationship because it's not important to you. For many (most?) people love and sex are closely related.. sex within a relationship is usually an expression of love. It doesn't make someone a bad or less loving person because they want sex from their partner.
This!

I was in a relationship with an asexual person for two years, even though I am not asexual and have very specific kinks. Honestly, I could probably have dealt with the lack of sex but the lack of physical appreciation and the tacit judgment (said ex has strong feelings about how the world is pathetically sex-obsessed) got to me eventually. I probably wouldn't go through that again.
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Old 01-05-2011, 07:32 AM   #63
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Forgive me if I repeat anything that has already been said but I absolutely think bad sex is a good reason to break up. Sexual compatibility is one of the most important aspects of any relationship and trying to downplay its significance almost inevitably leads to bigger problems. Often times bad sex is a symptom of other problems within the relationship but sometimes people just don't click sexually. I think that sometimes people feel the need to "blame" inadequate sex on someone when the reality is everyone is different and people just don't always mesh in the ways they would like to.
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Old 01-05-2011, 10:52 PM   #64
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Asking is necessary communication but i don't think it should be confused with expecting to get what you asked for. I can't say how it was for you and your ex of course. I'll say it's important for me to give what a partner wants because I want to, not because they expect it. No one has a right to anyone else's sexuality without them wanting to give it, even if it's just because they're selfish and lazy. It would need to be mutual generosity for it to be worth it and right for me.
I see what you're saying, and I think I agree with your general point, but I do think it's fair to expect that your partner, if you're in a committed & loving relationship, would be willing to engage in, on occasion, to some degree, your kink (given that its nothing illegal or physically dangerous and also given that you're willing to recip.)
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Old 01-06-2011, 05:30 AM   #65
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Originally Posted by disconnectedsmile View Post
as an asexual, it saddens me, to the point that i am physically ill, to know that so many people put such a major deal-or-no-deal emphasis on sex.

i guess the concept of love really is dead.
This is not just directed at you, but a more general point.

- There are people for whom love has no sexual component.
- There are people for whom love has only a small or secondary sexual component.
- There are people for whom love has a major or primary sexual component.

None of those are right or wrong.
Nor are any of those any less or more "real" love.
They are just different.
The trick is finding someone else who has the same / similar sexual (or not) component in their loving nature.
And also, not concerning or worrying yourself about what people who don't match with you might be thinking, feeling or doing with one another.
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Old 01-06-2011, 05:35 AM   #66
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I disagree with the bolded bit. I believe that when we first get with someone, we tend to gloss over their inadequacies especially if they are great outside of bed.
I tend to gloss over their other "inadequacies" if they are great IN bed.

(Yes, sex is a primary/major thing for me)
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Old 01-08-2011, 02:52 AM   #67
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This is not just directed at you, but a more general point.
- There are people for whom love has no sexual component.
- There are people for whom love has only a small or secondary sexual component.
- There are people for whom love has a major or primary sexual component.

None of those are right or wrong.
Nor are any of those any less or more "real" love.
They are just different.
The trick is finding someone else who has the same / similar sexual (or not) component in their loving nature.

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I tend to gloss over their other "inadequacies" if they are great IN bed
Jos, you said a mouth full. To my way of thinking you are 100% correct!
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Old 01-08-2011, 04:51 AM   #68
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Smile On The Flipside...

For me, I believe that intimacy is such an essential display of sexual feelings and emotions. It is something so special and personal and for most of us sex is something that we only do with a person we love, trust, want and choose to give our bodies to. There is NO GREATER act of intimacy than to have sex.

My situation is this... (none of this is easy to say and is personal but it is another face of the coin regarding sex) I am in a relationship of 7 years where my partner has no real sex drive (thunder clap and lightening!! lol) despite my advances (I have tried sexy messages, fantasy e-mails, sexy dancing, dirty talk, outrageous flirtation you name it! lol) we still go to bed each night with NO ACTION! This has been on-going for around 5 years and sex had been drought with the occasional drop of rain.

HOWEVER, I am told every day "I love you", "You are beautiful", "You are sexy" and my other half has such a beautiful heart and is so faithful and focussed on me in every other way.

So the dilemma is this in my own personal situation:

Is a disctinct lack of sex and flirtation worth losing a true, faithful and very romantic person??? The romance is still very much with us and always has been over the years (gifts, flowers, hugs, kisses, daily compliments, snuggles etc etc)

For some bad sex may be a very good reason to break up but for me very little to no sex is worth keeping the partner who strives daily to show me their love and romantic feelings. We have a way to go and I know I am not a hideous mutated humpback ringing my bell lol I guess, I am trying to "see the person" but girls, a night of sweaty, outrageous, uncontained, animalistic passion would not go unappreciated!!! haha!! Some things in this life have to be worked on and I wish "bad sex" was all I had to worry about lol

xXx
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Old 01-08-2011, 05:38 AM   #69
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honestly i think bad sex can be improved with practice and communication actually.i wouldn't break up over it if i really cared for the person.i mean sex is important but there are more things.but sex can be improved,some things like bad compatibility can not.
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Old 01-08-2011, 07:07 AM   #70
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Originally Posted by fat9276 View Post
Also there are people in this world (believe it or not) who for personal, cultural and/or religious reason can't or won't have sex until they are married. Now if you require the person to "cut the mustard" before, then that is your decision, belief, requirement etc.

I guess I don't understand how a person can love someone deeply and have feelings and emotions and when it comes time to get naked with them how you can't find pleasure in looking at them, touching them, listening to them, being so close to them... the mental, emotional, etc should make the physical heightened IMO. Even if all it is is "vanilla teenage sex" as the girl said. If you choose a person who loves you and treats you very well and is deeply attached to you, I do not really think there is going to be a problem. And you can disagree, but that's just how I see it.



I love this mcbeth and agree, although I think if you have the latter part the "good" will happen naturally
Back on this side of the divide between our Earth and Harlequin Romance Earth, sometimes people fit everywhere but in the rack.

We have sexual tastes, just like we have food tastes, tastes in attire, furniture design, etc. and they aren't necessarily connected to how much we make someone laugh, how much they turn us on with their philosophy of life, how responsible or diligent they are, how much they'll be our rock when we're floundering. Some things sexually are a huge turn-on for some folks and so distasteful for others that they're deal breakers. It's why you test drive before making that big marriage committment and, yes, I used "test drive" because if I'm going to put that much care into choosing a new car to drive for the next decade, I should put even more care into choosing the used car of a human being I'll be bedding down with until, I hope, death do us part.


If the sex is bad because you're simply incompatible in bed, break it off. Be friends.
If the sex is bad because there are other issues in the relationship, try to work those out before breaking it off over bad sex.
If the sex is bad because there are other issues because there are deep personal issues with one of you, see someone to see if you can get those worked out via professional help.

And 3 years is a long time in any relationship if you're thinking in the present. Oh, sure, looking back over my relationship with my wife or my entire adult life, any 3-year stretch seems a compact piece of time. But, here and now, not knowing 100 percent that we'll both be here, healthy and happy in 3 years or 3 months -- because life ain't always the last 5 minutes of The Little Mermaid -- the next 3 years is a long time for a relationship.
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Old 01-08-2011, 07:13 AM   #71
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Quote:
Originally Posted by disconnectedsmile View Post
as an asexual, it saddens me, to the point that i am physically ill, to know that so many people put such a major deal-or-no-deal emphasis on sex.

i guess the concept of love really is dead.
Not if you believe -- or, more appropriately, feel -- that great romantic Love is a combination of Like and Lust.
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Old 01-13-2011, 08:29 PM   #72
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what interests me is that everyone sympathizes with an insider and
never considers the possibility that the insider;s perception or behavior
may play some part in the problem or even be a case of the insider
losing interest and claiming it's the unknown party's fault. if i gave
real advice it would be conditional. if so then so forth. lacking the
other's side of the story my simplest reaction is: its over for some reason.
my next response would be: third party counseling not knee jerk sympathy.
loyalty to those we know trumps fair play in conflicts 90plus% of the time.
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Old 01-14-2011, 06:27 AM   #73
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Anything can be a good reason to break up if one of the sides does not want to continue the relationship.
If there is willingness to continue the relationship there would be no reasons for break-up, rather there would be reasons for going on or finding an appropriate solution.
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Old 01-14-2011, 01:35 PM   #74
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kendall View Post
what interests me is that everyone sympathizes with an insider and
never considers the possibility that the insider;s perception or behavior
may play some part in the problem or even be a case of the insider
losing interest and claiming it's the unknown party's fault. if i gave
real advice it would be conditional. if so then so forth. lacking the
other's side of the story my simplest reaction is: its over for some reason.
my next response would be: third party counseling not knee jerk sympathy.
loyalty to those we know trumps fair play in conflicts 90plus% of the time.
This thread wasn't completely about this girls situation, that was just an example. I believe supero intended for it to be a discussion of the generalized idea of breaking up over bad sex.
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Old 01-14-2011, 04:18 PM   #75
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There is such a thing as bad sex?
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