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Old 03-01-2011, 01:17 AM   #1
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Smile SSBBW question...what would you do if...(cheating)

....your husband cheated? It is a common question but yet a unique one for SSBBW's. As a SSBBW myself i know i have a low self esteem. I have thin friends who have it too but if their husband cheated, they would leave. Why would i not only stay but beg & try to sell myself as to why im the better choice? Looking back now i think its degrading. And if there were no new girl in the picture i think it would be so much easier to deal with a break up but when there is a new girl involved the jealousy is so overwhelming. So girls...what would YOU do?

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Old 03-01-2011, 01:28 AM   #2
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I have enough pride in myself that if a man left me...thats his loss. My ex husband cheated on me and ended our marriage over the telephone when he left for for the woman he'd been cheating on me with as he drove to massachusetts for work during one summer. I will say though, that my ex husband leaving me was one of the best things that ever happened to me. When I met him i had zero self esteem. I honestly married him because i felt like he was the only man who would ever want me and that I had better take what I could get because it would never happen again. It was pretty sad. After he left me...it took some time, but I gained the self esteem that i have today. It was hard earned and life has kicked me in the ass, and I do have horrible self esteem days, but I'll never be at that point again. So I'm thankful in that regard.

Im not trying to be mean, but i know that you are in a position where it is much harder for you than it is for me since i know that you have mobility problems, but if you are able to, you shouldnt be with him. I am 32 years old and having more and more mobility problems due to arthritis in my joints, which is pushing me more and more toward disability even though I'm losing weight. Im not into the gaining/feeding thing, I don't know you personally, but I thought I read somewhere that you were...and honestly, it's not healthy, especially not when you get to the point where you arent where you can be mobile enough to live your own life and not rely on someone. Men come and go....and if a guy promises he'll be there no matter what the size...thats hard to believe.

It's late and my thoughts arent coming together quite as I'd like them to, but I hope that you understand what I'm trying to get across, and it's certainly not me trying to be mean..please dont take it as that.
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Old 03-01-2011, 02:33 AM   #3
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I think you really must ascertain why your husband had an affair with another woman, and how he now feels about it. Is he showing regret? Are those feelings genuine? Can you two start over again or will he be looking for someone else?

I am not trying to whitewash his behavior, I am saying that although he has hurt you, and damaged your trust in himfr ever, he might still be the man you love, he might still love you.

On the other hand, did he chose you as a project, a woman to be "captured" and once he got you to marry him, his interest in you has vanished. Unfortunately that is not uncommon both for men and woman, especially if the "price" is something deemed attractive.

Men with a position or wealth or a reputation can be very attractive for some women. She is no pretending, she is attracted to him, she loves him. However, once they have married, her interest turns to another "price to capture". For many women the new "price" is a baby. Once she is pregnant he is the father, not the man she loves. For other women it is social recognition a career or another man.

The same with men. Getting married is like winning the prize, not a step in an ongoing process of love. It does not necessarily lead to infidelity, but often enough. How many marriages do we not see where the wife and husband live together physically but not mentally. They pursue different "hobbies", intentionally or unintentionally excluding the spouse.

For some men you are very attractive, not least because you have an unique body. That does not mean that the man who won your heart wants to spend the life with you. Perhaps, once he has taken you to the altar he has no more ambitions with you and he turns his attention to another woman.

But on the other hand your husband may genuinely love you, with no intention of leaving you. His affair might been have been an act of compassion towards a woman that he saw as friend, not a future wife or a permanent mistress.

And please remember; your body is yours only, exclusively for you to decide over, for men to enjoy if they are so inclined but solely with your consent.
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Old 03-01-2011, 12:02 PM   #4
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Pauline, my read of your question makes me understand that thinner/fatter is the issue, not necessarily poor self-esteem. Right? Does it revolve around needing someone to take care of you physically? Is a partner also a caregiver in a way that a partner would not be for a thinner and/or physically abled person? How much of that would affect your decisions and your desperation?
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Old 03-01-2011, 12:23 PM   #5
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But on the other hand your husband may genuinely love you, with no intention of leaving you. His affair might been have been an act of compassion towards a woman that he saw as friend, not a future wife or a permanent mistress.
What? ....

I don't even ....
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Old 03-01-2011, 07:13 PM   #6
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An act of compassion????

Please tell me there's a language barrier......
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Old 03-01-2011, 11:19 PM   #7
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The use of his penis could be an act of compassion for some.

I wish I could tell you that there is a language barrier.


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An act of compassion????

Please tell me there's a language barrier......
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Old 03-01-2011, 11:24 PM   #8
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Smile My situation is a unique one....

And im not saying my husband cheated, im just thinking of "what if". Without airing my dirty laundry on the internet i just wondered if other fat women would keep their man if they thought or found out he was cheating. There could be many instances of a cheater....once or repeated times....i mean its wrong & hurtful no matter what the circumstance but i have a totally different situation. I love my husband & he loves me, we are good together and have been for so many years, now we are decided on me losing weight for health...i must admit...im insecure about that....i fear he may want to cheat with a fatter woman once i lose...thats what sparked my question in this thread. I feel like this big nurturing, body has given us many great years and i have fear that it will change our relationship if i am smaller. I hope not, he says not...so i can only pray. I also fear that the effect of weight after some loss, on my body (loose skin, etc) will cause me to not be attractive to him & that might cause him to want to stray to a smaller woman without baggy skin since men are so visual. I guess i should stop analyzing everything and wait & see. Thanks for the input ladies

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Old 03-02-2011, 01:41 AM   #9
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I am getting married next year.. but If he cheated on me I would kick his bum.. I dont think he would to be honest, but I guess you never know.
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Old 03-02-2011, 02:54 AM   #10
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I can tell you from the other, male, side. My girlfriend has left me and we worked a year after breaking up together to match again, but it failed lately after I found surprisingly a web profile of her, telling her in a relationship with another one. She never told me of him, only existing. It was very hard for me seeing that she has a new relationship for some months and didn't tell me that and letting me still in hope. It's so sad I can't tell...

But damn, I still love her and if she came back to me, I think I couldn't deny my feelings to her. Am I mad? Maybe, but that's the way I feel love...
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Old 03-02-2011, 08:38 AM   #11
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would you flatten him like a pancake?
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Old 03-02-2011, 08:43 AM   #12
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Such a scenario has happened in my family though I was very young and many details were deliberately witheld. All I know is that my supersized and bedridden aunt was blissfully happy with a man that loved and cared for her. Next thing I knew, my father got an ominous phone call and went running to my aunt's home. She was living in a dirty house and her common law husband was nowhere to be found. For some reason my aunt kicked him out. I don't know what happened or what he did but her pride being what it was, she wanted nothing more to do with him and would have rather struggled on her own than put up with his crap. Apparently that wasn't as easy as it looked and she was unable to care for herself in many ways. A neighbor finally called my dad and the family stepped in. I remember her crying bitterly. She was embarassed and heartbroken and I think her husband tried to reconcile with her but she was adamant that there was no going back to him. She wanted him out of her life.

She did well for a while. She had friends she didn't know she had, family, neighbors who loved her and looked in on her from time to time. But yeah, she didn't put up with anything. Again, I don't know what this guy did but I think after a while staying in a miserable relationship ceases to be an option and you have to do something to save your soul if nothing else.

ETA: Oh yeah. And if it were me I'd be gone. My aunt set a fine example as far as I'm concerned.
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Old 03-03-2011, 12:56 AM   #13
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[QUOTE=nycbbwlover623;1679096]Shazzy,
would you flatten him like a pancake?[/QUOTE

Of course I would
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Old 03-03-2011, 03:14 PM   #14
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What? ....

I don't even ....
For once you and I are in total agreement.

How you can justify cheating is totally inconceivable.
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Old 03-03-2011, 05:49 PM   #15
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When I walked in on my cheating ex-husband, I immediately knew my "female intuition" was dead on and I left everything behind and never looked back. When I told my mom what happened, the first thing she said to me was "didn't you love him"? My response to her was "sure, I loved him but BEING in love? Nope."... Then again, obviously he felt the same way...

Looking back, I should have listened to myself when I felt things were "off" but I have no regrets for how I handled the divorce and made sure he paid dearly for his "mistakes".
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Old 03-04-2011, 10:49 AM   #16
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Quote:
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For once you and I are in total agreement.

How you can justify cheating is totally inconceivable.
I wasn't really focused on the cheating.

I was too stunned by the peen as an instrument of compassion line.
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Old 03-04-2011, 01:41 PM   #17
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There is always another one waiting behind him in line.
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Old 03-06-2011, 10:30 AM   #18
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Well we now know that Pauline was posting a question about a hypothetical situation that she fear may arise, but also may never happen.

I understand that some people took offence at the the use of the word compassion.

Well, for a century or so popular culture has led us to believe that passion is the sole rationale behind sex. Well it is not the only rationale.

In earlier days; tradition, honor and economic advantages were the major determinants behind the process where a man and woman got in bed. Daughters were married off and while sons were taking advantage of poor girls. You all know those tragic stories. And remember that in many countries love is still not allowed to determine marriage.

But what about compassion. Several studies on casual sex both in the US and i western Europe has revealed a number of different motives, such as "feeling pity" "being good friends" " wanting some fun" etc. Not a situation where even one of the two believed that they were in love. Yet they had sex. Infidelity? yes sometimes!

But what about sex as a result of other emotions than love. A typical situation; Woman meets former boyfriend. Find him very depressed because she has left him earlier. She then said that their life ambitions didn't fit together. He believes that she finds him generally unattractive. They have dinner. After dinner they go to anyone's home. Eventually she allows him to express his love for her. Although she is in a new relation she let him kiss her. It ends up with sex. She is not in love with her ex. She just felt pity for him and wanted to express that although she has chosen a better man now she doesn't dislike him.

Or another example; A married male middle management executive starts talking to a woman he hardly knows. They sit down and talk and gradually it turns more and more personal. She is sad as she feels abandoned by friends, lovers and collegues. He feels a kind of obligation to be friendly and understanding. He escorts her home and then she begs him not to leave her alone. Eventually she makes it clear that she wants sex and he approves. he don't go to bed with her for utilitarian motives, but he feels that she has taken the initiative and he should be her friend as well as superior.

Yes. both cases a morally wrong. Neither person in need were likely to be helped by casual sex. Both married persons are cheating on their spouses. They all have casual sex that is hardly memorable and is probaly regretted the next day when everything appears as sordid as it really is.

But don't come and tell me that you don't know of cases like this. Sex without passion! Relationships without love!

Is there a difference for the partner that was cheated? Probably. Is forgiving an act of passion more or less difficult than act without deeper emotions. I think opinions differ.
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Old 03-06-2011, 11:35 PM   #19
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Smile Well...

for me if my relationship is disolving, i will be upset...i will cry for a few months and swear off men forever, but eventually i would be ok. BUT when another woman is involved and is the reason for the relationship breaking up... thats where i have the problem. I want to hurt him....and i want to snatch her bald headed! Especially when she looks like a ugly Betty...square manly chin...whiskers....real bad road rash skin on her face... i could go on forever....yeah its alot of jealousy too but, it would be so much easier if some tramp wasnt trying to act like a "friend" but then start convincing him why he would be better off with her! And she is at work so how can i ever trust him again? My insecurities dont help, i realize but i am sad, angry, hurt....so many emotions....when does the pain end? I am so, so hurt.

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Old 03-06-2011, 11:38 PM   #20
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Unhappy Does anyone have experience with a cheater?

I just need some advice. When will the hurt stop? How does one get over the feelings of anger & sadness? Maybe i need counseling....can someone who knows about it please email me? Thanks

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Old 03-08-2011, 01:54 PM   #21
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I just need some advice. When will the hurt stop? How does one get over the feelings of anger & sadness? Maybe i need counseling....can someone who knows about it please email me? Thanks

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I'm really sorry you're in pain and having to deal with this.. I don't really have any advice, but if you can get counseling, I think that would be best.

Your husband needs a swift kick in the ass (maybe right out the door).
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Old 03-08-2011, 02:38 PM   #22
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Sorry to hear about this Sending love. I think, if you still want to make it work, counseling is the way forward. Goodluck.
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Old 03-08-2011, 03:38 PM   #23
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Pauline, in my experience, peace comes with time and distance. I don't know what you will decide in terms of your relationship -- if you are the one making these decisions -- and I'm not suggesting that one course is better than another. Just a few thoughts, though ... and feel free to take them to heart or completely discard some or all of them.

If you decide to forgive him and move on, then you really need to make a concerted effort to do exactly that - forgive. Only you can decide if you are able to put this behind you and continue moving forward with or without him. If you choose to try to make it work, you will need to be absolutely certain that you can forgive ... otherwise, you will be miserable and so will he. I don't know (nor do I need to know) if it was a one-time fling or an all-out affair or something in the middle. But if he's willing to move forward, with you, hopefully this means that he will have agreed to stop seeing her immediately and to do whatever is necessary to assist you in regaining trust in him -- on your terms, not his. If I were in your position and felt that I may be able to forgive my husband, I'd need (at least for the short term) to never have to guess where he is. He would have to be completely honest and fully transparent with me. I'd have to be able to contact him at any time. I'd be thinking that if he lied so convincingly about where he was, and who he was with, I could no longer simply trust his word. I would also need an explanation about why he cheated, and without blame being placed on me, I'd need to understand what we could do differently so that he wouldn't be tempted to stray again. I'd have to believe that we could develop a plan of action -- so if he said that he cheated, for example, because he was no longer attracted to me or for any other reason that was outside my ability to control or influence, it probably wouldn't work.

I don't think that I would be capable of making any kind of decision right away - assuming that my husband didn't make his own decision to leave. I would probably need some emotional distance for a while, if not a temporary separation. I would share my pain and my grief with a few very close friends and I'd let it ALL hang out without worrying about him or how they'd react to his indiscretion. I'd choose my friends wisely, though -- and go with those whom I know care about me, have my best interests at heart, and are able to assist me with seeing the bigger picture. I have some friends who are absolutely wonderful but I wouldn't go to them with this level of difficulty because I know (or suspect) that they couldn't be completely discreet or simply would allow their own indignation and anger to color or influence the decision that I'd have to make. If I was having an especially hard time with the grief, I'd make an appointment with a therapist. If we couldn't agree on what had gone wrong in our marriage and how we could work through those problems, I'd make an appointment with a marriage counselor along with independent counseling for myself.

All of this is assuming that you may one day decide to grant him another chance. If you decide that you cannot, and the two of you have marital assets together, I'd see a divorce attorney immediately without even disclosing to him that you were setting up an initial consultation.

Whatever YOU decide to do, I wish you the best. I'm sorry for your pain and can readily empathize with it. I hope that you can determine what you want and need and what is ultimately best for YOU, and if your husband is willing to put in the work to salvage your marriage, that you can eventually completely forgive him. Not because he deserves it (he may earn a chance at this redemption later) but because if you lose the ability to trust him, and you can't move past what he has done, then your marriage is for all intent already over.

Last edited by TraciJo67; 03-08-2011 at 03:42 PM.
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Old 03-08-2011, 11:04 PM   #24
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Smile Thank you everyone...

I do wanna thank everyone for the words of encouragement. My story is different than the norm & things still change from day to day but one day i will explain my weird situation & why i come on here with weird requests for advice

~Paulee
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Old 03-09-2011, 07:52 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pauline View Post
I do wanna thank everyone for the words of encouragement. My story is different than the norm & things still change from day to day but one day i will explain my weird situation & why i come on here with weird requests for advice

~Paulee
I think you're saying this is a hypothetical, right? That he hasn't cheated and there's no other woman with whiskers and a square chin.
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