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Old 03-17-2011, 08:53 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by angellepen31 View Post
he's my first love
im scared i will be alone
Being alone is better than being in an abusive relationship. Show him where the door is, and then kick him through it.
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Old 03-17-2011, 10:38 PM   #27
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he's my first love
im scared i will be alone
It's better to be alone and happy than in a relationship and miserable. Love shouldn't bring you down like this.
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Old 03-18-2011, 12:35 AM   #28
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Being alone is better than being in an abusive relationship. Show him where the door is, and then kick him through it.
Note that if you don't actually open the door first, you will just need to kick harder -- but the effects will be far more spectacular!
(Think, "'ex-shaped' hole in door.")

-Rusty
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Old 03-18-2011, 01:09 AM   #29
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I like the way you think.
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Old 03-18-2011, 03:00 AM   #30
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Note that if you don't actually open the door first, you will just need to kick harder -- but the effects will be far more spectacular!
(Think, "'ex-shaped' hole in door.")

-Rusty
You made me almost made me spit out my yogurt from laughing...love the use of the word spectacular! hehehe
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Old 03-18-2011, 06:08 AM   #31
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Angellpen, I think I read in another post that you'd just moved to another city, and don't have any friends there? Is that right?

I hate to say it, but this does sound like pretty classic behavior from abusive-controlling type of people. From all I've heard and read, it works like this: to have control over you they need you not to have strong support networks around you. Once you are isolated from everyone but the controller, then they can treat you pretty horribly while it is very hard for you to leave.

If the one being controlled and abused makes moves to leave, the controller will be all contrite and apologetic, promise to do better, and seem wonderful--the person you fell in love with in the first place-- but only for a little while, then be as bad or worse. And in the long run, it almost always gets worse.

The solution there pretty much always is just leave. Don't threaten to leave, say you'll leave if he doesn't shape up, or whatever else. Just get out.

(we are all diagnosing based on the few lines that you have read. You are the one in the situation who has to figure out what to do. We could be misunderstanding....but what you have written sounds like so many other cases that I'm with pretty much everyone else in saying: get out.)

As for being all alone:

1- Alone for a while is good. You learn your own strengths, and you certainly have strengths.

2- You are a lovely young woman. There will certainly be other people who'd like to get to know you better, and some of them will be far, far, better for you than anyone who would demean and belittle you. So when you are ready to meet someone as an equal, it will happen.

You are far better than this guy is telling you that you are. Don't let him make you less than you are.
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Old 03-18-2011, 12:59 PM   #32
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Originally Posted by Tad View Post
Angellpen, I think I read in another post that you'd just moved to another city, and don't have any friends there? Is that right?

I hate to say it, but this does sound like pretty classic behavior from abusive-controlling type of people. From all I've heard and read, it works like this: to have control over you they need you not to have strong support networks around you. Once you are isolated from everyone but the controller, then they can treat you pretty horribly while it is very hard for you to leave.

If the one being controlled and abused makes moves to leave, the controller will be all contrite and apologetic, promise to do better, and seem wonderful--the person you fell in love with in the first place-- but only for a little while, then be as bad or worse. And in the long run, it almost always gets worse.

The solution there pretty much always is just leave. Don't threaten to leave, say you'll leave if he doesn't shape up, or whatever else. Just get out.

(we are all diagnosing based on the few lines that you have read. You are the one in the situation who has to figure out what to do. We could be misunderstanding....but what you have written sounds like so many other cases that I'm with pretty much everyone else in saying: get out.)

As for being all alone:

1- Alone for a while is good. You learn your own strengths, and you certainly have strengths.

2- You are a lovely young woman. There will certainly be other people who'd like to get to know you better, and some of them will be far, far, better for you than anyone who would demean and belittle you. So when you are ready to meet someone as an equal, it will happen.

You are far better than this guy is telling you that you are. Don't let him make you less than you are.






yes i moved half away around the world just to live with him
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Old 03-18-2011, 06:41 PM   #33
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http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/fo...24#post1686824


sing this 2 times with the words "dump it" instead of "whip it" and call me in the morning


"when a problem comes along, you must dump it..." *jumps around*
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Old 03-19-2011, 09:13 AM   #34
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May I inquire to why you are with him to begin with?
ditto. we can all be happier, or sad, on our own. we don't need douchebags in our lives to make things worse all for the sake of saying, "I've got a boyfriend" or "I've got a girlfriend." really. you're better than that hon. onward and upward. As for your guy, "To the left, to the left". and don't be quick to latch onto anything with a dick, 2 legs and a pulse because ur afraid to be alone or something like that. its not healthy. spend time w/ yourself and learn to love and respect yourself before allowing someone into your world. u can do it-- if u truly want to. bon chance and let the doorknob hit him where the good lord split him.

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Old 03-19-2011, 12:31 PM   #35
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ditto. we can all be happier, or sad, on our own. we don't need douchebags in our lives to make things worse all for the sake of saying, "I've got a boyfriend" or "I've got a girlfriend." really. you're better than that hon. onward and upward. As for your guy, "To the left, to the left". and don't be quick to latch onto anything with a dick, 2 legs and a pulse because ur afraid to be alone or something like that. its not healthy. spend time w/ yourself and learn to love and respect yourself before allowing someone into your world. u can do it-- if u truly want to. bon chance and let the doorknob hit him where the good lord split him.

signed, your temp. substitute big sister,
Katerina

a lot of guys like that love inexperienced and sensitive girls that they can manipulate with the "you're not good enough" thing. that way they get to be a jerk and be in control just because someone might not have the experience to know exactly how much of nothing he really is. i bet a whole lot of us ladies can look back thinking: what in the world was i doing with such a loser?
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Old 03-19-2011, 02:07 PM   #36
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Originally Posted by angellepen31 View Post
he's my first love
im scared i will be alone
That was me many years ago. My mother used to constantly harp that no man would ever love a fat woman and when I met my ex-husband, I held onto him for dear life because I didn't think I could ever find anyone else. After we had children, I was afraid to be alone and not be able to care for them.

After 20 years of his manipulative behavior, verbal (and sometimes physical) abuse and cheating, he did me the favor of leaving and guess what? I found that I could be on my own and care for my children. I became a stronger, more confident woman. And best of all, I began to love myself and refused to settle for less than what I deserve.

Now, I'm in a loving, happy relationship with a man who appreciates me and doesn't stop telling me how beautiful and wonderful he thinks I am.

Do yourself a favor and avoid the kind of unhappiness I endured for so many years. You deserve better!!
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Old 03-19-2011, 02:31 PM   #37
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angellepen...

I was in a very, very, very emotionally abusive relationship in my very early 20s.

I allowed things to be said to me, I allowed myself to be made to do things, and allowed myself to think things about myself and my worth - that I would NEVER allow now.

I couldn't figure out how to leave. I was afraid. He was unbalanced, he'd acted out against others (or so I was told, who knows), he had enormous issues, but always made them about me. I didn't understand it all when I was in it. I was so deep in there, so deep in the pain. I'd let him alienate me from friends, colleagues, family. I'd defended him and told them how GREAT he was, they just didn't know him the way I did. I allowed myself to get pulled into his craziness because I lost part of who I was when I was with him. I spent almost two years embroiled in this relationship, and the scars it left are still with me. I don't dwell on them, but they've turned in to large life lessons about what I will and will not allow. When I get called cold or a hard-ass now? Well, that's a bit of what happened... but I will never allow myself to be treated like that again. I hate that I went through it, but I learned all the evil I don't want, and the red flags I learned have helped me navigate a lot of pitfalls over the years.


I love the "leave, just do it" - and I believe it, but I also know being in that situation, it's not that easy to do it. It should be, you should just be able to pick up, pack up, walk out the door and never look back... but if he's this mean and controlling, manipulative, maybe you have other concerns for how he'd react.

There is help out there. I got out by gradually, systematically removing myself. I got distant and a bit colder. I stopped responding and feeding in to his games and attacks, I had made up my mind that I was leaving. I just needed to try to get him to want to leave me - didn't really work, but over about 4-6 months I got myself strong enough, in my mind, that I could break it off. I moved to a new place, never gave him the address...and during a horrible night of spastic, mental mind games on the phone, I called and had my phone number changed. I disappeared.


It was the biggest escape of my life and I'm grateful every single minute of my life for the telephone company worker who changed my phone number in less than 10 mins. I think she heard the desperation - and she saved me.


So, I'm not going to tell you what to do, because I know it probably all seems impossible - but I will say this. You can leave this behind, leave him completely out of your life, and move on to much happier, stronger, content days - either with or without a partner. You have much more in you, and if you think back to BEFORE him, you can start to pull from that strength.

I wish you only the best of luck and the will power to do it. You're crawling out of a well - just keep your eye on the opening and get there.
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Old 03-19-2011, 03:10 PM   #38
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If you re-read my posts you'll notice I never once insinuated that the degrading statements she described were anything but reprehensible. The entirety of my post was to get a little insight before I gave a stranger advice about a relationship I have absolutely no knowledge of. This notion that there is something wrong with that is ridiculous. I haven't defended the guy in any way whatsoever and I'd appreciate if it wasnt suggested I somehow had. After the length of people who had already and inevitably would continue to tell her to dump the guy one would think that a different approach could prove beneficial. I guess I should have known better though. You've obviously got this one well in hand.



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Originally Posted by TraciJo67 View Post
I don't think it's at all "Oprah-ish" to advise a young woman to leave an abuser.

I do agree with you that she should ask *herself* why she's accepting this abuse -- if only to ensure that her next relationship doesn't end up just like this one.

This doesn't mean that she needs to remain in the current relationship while working on these issues. She needs to get away from him so that she CAN gain the perspective that comes with distance.

Oirish, I think if the OP had referenced physical abuse, you wouldn't have equivocated or advised her to ask herself some gentle questions about her self-esteem. Surely, you'd have told her to just leave, and yesterday if not sooner.

Emotional abuse is no less painful, and frankly, many physical abusers start out "testing the waters" of how quickly and thoroughly they can dominate their partners with the insults and the cutting remarks. Once they've established dominance and control (i.e., dipped that big toe), they move in with the fists.
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Old 03-19-2011, 03:41 PM   #39
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A very fair assessment considering the information provided. Sound advice.

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Originally Posted by Tad View Post
Angellpen, I think I read in another post that you'd just moved to another city, and don't have any friends there? Is that right?

I hate to say it, but this does sound like pretty classic behavior from abusive-controlling type of people. From all I've heard and read, it works like this: to have control over you they need you not to have strong support networks around you. Once you are isolated from everyone but the controller, then they can treat you pretty horribly while it is very hard for you to leave.

If the one being controlled and abused makes moves to leave, the controller will be all contrite and apologetic, promise to do better, and seem wonderful--the person you fell in love with in the first place-- but only for a little while, then be as bad or worse. And in the long run, it almost always gets worse.

The solution there pretty much always is just leave. Don't threaten to leave, say you'll leave if he doesn't shape up, or whatever else. Just get out.

(we are all diagnosing based on the few lines that you have read. You are the one in the situation who has to figure out what to do. We could be misunderstanding....but what you have written sounds like so many other cases that I'm with pretty much everyone else in saying: get out.)

As for being all alone:

1- Alone for a while is good. You learn your own strengths, and you certainly have strengths.

2- You are a lovely young woman. There will certainly be other people who'd like to get to know you better, and some of them will be far, far, better for you than anyone who would demean and belittle you. So when you are ready to meet someone as an equal, it will happen.

You are far better than this guy is telling you that you are. Don't let him make you less than you are.
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Old 03-19-2011, 08:53 PM   #40
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A few questions for you, Oirish.

Why would we need to know if the verbal abuse is a recent development? She's not suggesting (if I'm reading her OP correctly) that he's said this once or twice in a moment of anger. She speaks as if he is constantly putting her down and calling her terrible names.

Does it matter if she's actually fat? Would it make it any more or less ok if she weighed 100 pounds or 1000 pounds or any point inbetween?

Even if she feels absolutely OK with her weight and her body (apparently not, as she's allowing her boyfriend to impact her self-esteem), is it ever acceptable for him to call her unwelcomed name?

I get your point about internet advise being cheap. But some things are just so transparently obvious, internet stranger or not.

She's not married to him. God forbid, she has any children with him -- I'm assuming not. He's verbally abusive. It shouldn't matter why. Even if she's been out sleeping with his brother, his best friend, and his father (all at once, while she's also killing his dog), he's responsible for how he communicates with her. Abuse is abuse is abuse. If he's OK with calling her a whale today, what's to stop him from slapping her tomorrow and knocking her down the next day? He's already crossed a line that no person should ever cross.

Cheap, anonymous internet advise isn't always wrong. Abusers don't change their ways. Why would she risk herself, her sanity, her well-being on the negligible chance that he can "change"? Best to cut losses while he's still just a boyfriend & hopefully not a baby daddy or future husband and it's that much harder to get away.
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Originally Posted by CastingPearls View Post
Whatever you think you're getting out of this relationship, it's not worth your dignity, self-respect, mental and emotional well-being.

The longer you stay with him the more he'll tear you down making it harder to walk away.

Leave him, break-up, whatever. Remove him from your life permanently.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wannabeafatguy View Post
You seem like a very sweet,caring lady, you deserve a guy who will cherish you,and shower you with love
all of the above

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Originally Posted by angellepen31 View Post
he's my first love
im scared i will be alone
The thought of wasting years of your life with someone like that should scare you more
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Old 03-19-2011, 09:34 PM   #41
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he's my first love
im scared i will be alone
You will have others. The first one is often full of trial and error. And you are no longer alone. You are here among friends.
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Old 03-20-2011, 11:17 PM   #42
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I think you need to find a way to sit down with a counselor face-to-face--a professional that can help you sort out all the issues. I don't know if your relationship is worth working on to try to save or if your boyfriend is capable of modifying his abusive behavior. It would take awhile to do an honest assesment and an important part of that assessment would be observing your behavior during a face-to-face interview. It seems that you've invested a lot in this relationship--making a move to the other side world could not have been something you decided to do lightly. But it also seems that he has communication issues and you have dependcy issues--and it's unlikely that you can make a relationship work longterm if these issues are present. Go see somebody face-to-face. Get a reading from an outside party. I'm sure that there are some wise BBWs who can privately discuss what resources may be available in your area and how you might be access them.
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Old 03-21-2011, 12:16 AM   #43
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Your scared you'll be alone because he's killed your confidence.

You are freaking gorgeous, if he's going to be an asshole than honey I'm pretty sure there's plenty of fish in the sea for you to chose at your liking.


PS: Unless he looks like Mick Jagger or Brad Pitt, he needs to piss off.
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Old 03-21-2011, 03:48 AM   #44
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I didn't see a pic or anything, but I'm about 100% sure you look 100000% sexier than anything he'll get after you
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Old 03-21-2011, 03:59 PM   #45
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you guys are all great
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Old 03-21-2011, 04:27 PM   #46
OneHauteMama
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by angellepen31 View Post
he's my first love
im scared i will be alone
Okay this is gonna sound so mean, sweetie, but it needs to be said.

You may feel he is your first love. But clearly, you are not his. If he is calling you names and putting you down like that, he cannot possibly love you.

Someone asked why he doesn't move on and find someone he's attracted to... Simply put: An abuser will stay with someone who LETS them abuse them. You allow it by staying, sweetie. You enable it by putting up with it. Once those words are uttered, THAT is his true feeling toward you coming out. Usually, they test the waters with a small crack on something you are self-conscious about. If you put up with it, they will add more and more fuel to it each time until they are outright bullying you about your appearance. You don't need that. Love is not supposed to hurt like that. An outright attack on your physical appearance is not loving. It's not even "liking". It's aggressive behavior, even if he's doing it so-called "jokingly".

You need to move on, babe. Don't be afraid to be alone. Honestly, you SHOULD learn to be happy alone. That's a lesson I learned the hard way, but I'm so much better off for it. I learned to enjoy being single...and then when the right one came along, I was ready for him and ready for a mature relationship. You have plenty of time, and there are PLENTY of guys who will appreciate your curves, your sweetness, and the beauty of your WHOLE package.
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