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Old 03-16-2011, 11:37 PM   #1
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Default Dims and your Significant Other

For women who met your significant other outside of Dims (either in your current relationship or a previous one), or outside of a specifically fat-centric community, how do you feel about telling them about Dims, or giving them the link so they can browse around for themselves? Did you do it? Would you? Why or why not? Were their reactions what you expected? (Feel free to answer this hypothetically if it doesn't apply for whatever reason. )

This came up because even before we started dating, I had told my boyfriend about how there are some people I hang out with that I met through an internet forum where people talked about being fat, their various experiences going along with that, etc. (aka, Dimensions). I told him that since all of my friends were thin, I really needed to find some other women I could talk to about certain things related to being fat in the world, and things that my thin friends were very willing to listen to but couldn't fully understand - and that this internet forum was really helpful for developing some friendships and dialogue with other fat women. He said that was a beautiful thing.

He is not an FA exclusively, though he is certainly attracted to me and my body; but he has been extremely kind and caringly inquisitive about ways being fat shapes my daily life, my outlook, growing up, and experiences - just in terms of getting to know me and how I experience the world.

When I asked him if I could post a picture of us on the forum I post on (ie, here), he said that would be great, and asked if I would share the link with him. That's a totally normal request that I should have expected, but it really took me aback, and I had to think hard about whether I wanted him to see all aspects of the community here and/or be involved in some way (my instinctive gut reaction was: HELL NO). Eventually I decided I wasn't ready for him to be introduced to the various elements that comprise Dimensions, and we had a talk about my reasons for that, and he totally understood and was fine with it.

But it made me wonder how some of the rest of you feel about this issue...

ETA: There were a lot of things in the community here that I *would* want him to see, it's not like I think it's all bad, at all. It could be really educational (especially for a very skinny person). But there was a lot I just didn't feel ready for him to be exposed to at the same time.

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Old 03-17-2011, 06:33 AM   #2
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My hubby sometimes sits with me when I am perusing the boards, or am in chat. Never had any real issues surrounding it as we would talk about posts and personalities.
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Old 03-17-2011, 07:58 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by Ruffie View Post
My hubby sometimes sits with me when I am perusing the boards, or am in chat. Never had any real issues surrounding it as we would talk about posts and personalities.
That totally makes sense to me for someone you've been with for a long time. Do you think you would you have introduced him to Dimensions right when you'd started dating? (or did you?)
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Old 03-17-2011, 08:50 AM   #4
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We have been together 26 years and at that time I hadn't found anything that was like Dimensions. However back in the days when Dani had the chat I had no issues with him checking out what was being said and such. In fact we have a pretty trusting relationship. He is a homebody and shy and doesn't like to go out and socialize other than in small groups with friends. I on the other hand like to go out and listen to music (friends bands) and my other friend is a comedienne so I go out to her shows. I would go out to the bars without him with my friends and because I live in a small town city would let him know if I danced with someone and who sat with us and such. I have a lot of guy friends and he is cool with that. He knows I always come home to him and he has been my one and only man. However he trusts me enough to let me be me and I am not jealous of the female friends he has either. We have had our problems and issues and worked on them over the years to rebuild things that were broken down, it hasn't been perfect. However I feel I have to give him and expect that he will give me the opportunity to be ourselves and enjoy our separate as well as our shared interests and the mutual respect is working thus far.
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Old 03-17-2011, 10:16 AM   #5
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I feel an obligation to discuss this community with anyone that I'm involved with in any serious capacity just because of how involved I've been in the past and how big of an impact it's had on my life. There is also the fetish component for me. I feel like I could never get serious with anyone, even a non-FA, without explaining the fetish to them. They wouldn't necessarily have to partake with me but I can't imagine omitting that much of my life and sexuality. In some weird way I'd feel like I was lying.

I've always been involved to some extent in this community online. Not necessarily on Dims, but on other related sites. I first found Fantasy Feeder when I was 13 and I participated in that community for a few years, and then made my way over to Dims in 2008. Before I started posting on Dims, I had kiddie "relationships" but never even considered telling anyone about the fetish thing.. at 16 I couldn't imagine anything more horrible than someone finding out about it. But, as I became involved in the other aspects of the community things changed.. I feel like I really gained a new perspective because of this site. I no longer hate myself for being fat. For awhile that meant I didn't have to worry about what I was eating or how much I was exercising.. but as I've grown up a little and faced reality a little more I've reinterpreted that as not placing all my worth on how I look and really taking charge of my life and my health.. regardless of outside opinions. Dims was a life changer.. how could I be with someone and not tell them about it?

I also became a lot more involved in the fetish aspect of it. I met and dated FAs and feeders from this site (and others.) I got the chance to actually act out my fantasies and participate in the lifestyle. Because that had become such a real part of my life (as opposed to how it was previously just fantasies I indulged in every once in awhile) I feel the same way.. like I owe it to the person I'm dating to tell them about it.

Since becoming more involved here at Dims, I've only dated/been involved with FAs so this has never been an issue. However, earlier this year I met a guy from Craigslist and things became somewhat serious between us. So, I told him.. I didn't get into a lot of details or anything. I planned to, but we ended up breaking up before we had a full conversation about it. The thing that finally pushed me to tell him is that I thought he might have a little bit of feeder in him, but that turned out to be false. However, he was really good about it. He was really understanding. I think it helped that I had catered to his fantasies and had tried a lot of new things with him.

In the future, I would definitely do the same thing. I would just feel weird never bringing it up. I feel pretty confident in that if I'm with someone Dims would not be a deal breaker. It might raise some questions, make things a little awkward, etc. but I don't think it's a big deal in the long run. Just how I see it. :]

I wish you luck with your bf :]

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Old 03-17-2011, 11:42 AM   #6
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Thanks Ruffie and Rachel so much for sharing. It's really great to hear other perspectives.

I guess for me, I felt like my bf didn't think dating a fat girl was such a weird thing - it just seemed normal to him, and just like dating any other girl in most ways. And so I think part of me was worried that if he came here, he would all of a sudden think it was some weird thing, or something to be ashamed of, or had to include all these extra practices and implications that would have seemed strange or off-putting. It's like something that to him seemed normal would have suddenly felt like a more fetish-y thing.

I do share with him what I get out of this community, and am very open about most things that strike me, etc.
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Old 03-17-2011, 01:38 PM   #7
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No.

If I could control which parts of the boards he could see, then maybe. Since I can't, then no.

But I'm a private person who doesn't even like the idea of reading friends' blogs--too close to comfort. If you want me to know something, you'll tell me. And the reverse is true, too. The most direct form of communication is usually the best. This topic always causes me some anxiety!
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Old 03-17-2011, 03:35 PM   #8
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I kind of had the opposite happen - an open FA introduced me, when I was an unhappy, self loathing, dieting girl, to this site... and it helped me a lot!

I don't have a true "significant other". I'm very single and very much wanting a relationship. But I have a relationship, a "flirty friends" relationship, with this amazing guy named Derek. We've been flirting, talking, etc since my sophomore year. After "breaking up" and reconnecting, he told me about this site. This was my junior year, so I started lurking and learning

I had no idea about the BBW/FA relationship. I thought he was the one guy in the world who would ever love me for the fatty I was. (Young and stupid, was I) We were talking on the phone, and he told me to google Dimensions, and click on the first site. I lurked and finally joined when I could. He was very gentle as I explored. He offered me advice and gave me help over terminology and such.

He is still incredibly sweet, and I have really fallen for him this time. But even if we don't work out, I'll know that there's a community of people to help me!
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Old 03-17-2011, 04:43 PM   #9
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I introduced my booty call guy to it, but I don't think he's read anything on here. I would let the person I'm dating know about it, because it is somewhere I visit online a lot, and it has helped me a lot too. I'd be much more willing to have them read through posts here than my journal, that's for sure.
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Old 03-17-2011, 05:05 PM   #10
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i told my hub about this site from the get go. he knew i have friends i talk to on and off the web from here...that i have been to and hope to attend future bashes...

he is not an fa and i am the first plus size gal he ever dated (and married!). for me it was more sharing because this, like all the sites i post on, is a place to gain knowledge and make friends. it does cover some great topics and has great people. it brought up some great conversations between us.

i encourage you to share dims with your s/o. talk about what they read and see, how they feel about it and such. communication is always great and it could bring new understanding to both of you.
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Old 03-17-2011, 11:46 PM   #11
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No.

If I could control which parts of the boards he could see, then maybe. Since I can't, then no.

But I'm a private person who doesn't even like the idea of reading friends' blogs--too close to comfort. If you want me to know something, you'll tell me. And the reverse is true, too. The most direct form of communication is usually the best. This topic always causes me some anxiety!
I'm totally with you on the bolded part, and I really am *not* a private person at all! I do think that after more time passes and we know each other more deeply I wouldn't really care. But honestly, I don't think I need him to come here for us to have good talks about fat issues, etc.
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Old 03-18-2011, 11:13 AM   #12
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I understand him not wanting to see parts of the board but maybe you could just give him a disclaimer.. like, there's things on there that I don't like or participate in but I want you to see the rest or something like that.
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Old 03-18-2011, 11:26 AM   #13
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I understand him not wanting to see parts of the board but maybe you could just give him a disclaimer.. like, there's things on there that I don't like or participate in but I want you to see the rest or something like that.
Yeah, I did say that to him. I told him if he really wanted to see it, I would give him the link; but after explaining my reasons for hesitating, he said he was fine not visiting. It came up right when we started dating, and I was still feeling out how he was with the whole dating-a-fat-girl thing...but honestly, at this point I don't think I'd really have a problem with him seeing most of the stuff, since we're a bit further along and I feel more secure in the way he seems to relate to me bodily, etc.

I was just kind of curious as to what other women thought/felt about this - I wasn't so much looking for advice.

He said that when I first mentioned to him that I was a member of an internet forum to get fat girl camaraderie (which was a month or two before we started dating even), he did some web searching, and felt like some of the stuff he ran across had a circus-freak feel that really turned him off. I actually rather appreciated that comment.
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Old 03-19-2011, 08:56 AM   #14
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I was just kind of curious as to what other women thought/felt about this - I wasn't so much looking for advice.
I apologize.. I really wasn't trying to be rude or anything. Just trying to help!
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Old 03-19-2011, 01:21 PM   #15
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the guy i'm interested in comes here to read my posts etc... every once in a while. and since its not all of my life i don't feel any particular need to explain things to him. i doubt if he thinks anything in particular about the friends i have made here except what they might bring on individual merit for real. the ones who make it off line don't rely on this place for a life either and honestly don't want to.

if he finds something interesting he will ask. we love having long conversations and have talked about nearly everything you could think of. we've known each other for quite some time. he's not really that much of an online kind of person anymore. he is really just too busy living life and actually doing things for real. he has dated in the community before but its not really for him. and, he doesn't feel he has much of anything in common with guys who call themselves FAs so comeraderie not a draw either.
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Old 03-19-2011, 01:23 PM   #16
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I apologize.. I really wasn't trying to be rude or anything. Just trying to help!
No need to apologize, that wasn't really directed at you specifically at all! More was clearing it up for the thread as a whole - I didn't want it just to be about me and my situation, you know? But about the issue in general. I really appreciated your viewpoints. It's good to hear how different people process this.
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Old 03-19-2011, 02:01 PM   #17
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My current bf has stopped reading Dims - we had some arguments over some of my posts. I felt like it was an invasion of privacy, he agreed that it was harmless fun for me (not to mention I don't go into many details about him/our relationship out of respect for HIS privacy) and everything is good now.
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Old 03-20-2011, 12:15 PM   #18
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I'm wondering how a guy who is attracted to fat women whether or not he is a self described FA would not know about this site or any of the other sites that are similar to this one for that matter. I'd be surprised if he didn't know about it.
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Old 03-20-2011, 03:52 PM   #19
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I'm wondering how a guy who is attracted to fat women whether or not he is a self described FA would not know about this site or any of the other sites that are similar to this one for that matter. I'd be surprised if he didn't know about it.
maybe he's too busy living a real life and dating all of the beautiful fat women in his town? i know plenty who don't have a clue about all of this and don't even know what an FA is. they barely know what BBW even means.
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Old 03-20-2011, 03:57 PM   #20
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maybe he's too busy living a real life
I've so got to stop living this fake life of mine.
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Old 03-20-2011, 05:45 PM   #21
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maybe he's too busy living a real life and dating all of the beautiful fat women in his town? i know plenty who don't have a clue about all of this and don't even know what an FA is. they barely know what BBW even means.
No guy is too busy to search out porn on the internet.
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Old 03-20-2011, 06:03 PM   #22
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There are many men with a 'real life' who come to Dims.
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Old 03-20-2011, 07:43 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
maybe he's too busy living a real life and dating all of the beautiful fat women in his town? i know plenty who don't have a clue about all of this and don't even know what an FA is. they barely know what BBW even means.
I think the deal is that he isn't really "into fat women" as some kind of specific identity. He likes individuals, and I happen to be a fat one. And even though I am pretty positive that fat is not his typical preference, I think he's just radically open to whoever, and he does like me.

Anyway, I've appreciated all of you who've shared how this site does or does not play into your romantic relationships. If anyone else has anything to add, I'm all ears.
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Old 03-21-2011, 01:25 AM   #24
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Its been a long time since I have dated anyone that wasn't at least some way aware of this site existing. I only date FA and most have heard of Dimensions, even if they aren't members.

I wouldn't feel the need to tell anyone about this site though. It feels like my private space and I'd rather not have people I know from real life reading what I post on the internet. I think it stems from the days of being younger and fat being a very private part of my life. There is a fair few people from my real life who have been on the boards over the last few years and I have never felt comfortable about posting as much as I used to.
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Old 03-21-2011, 07:30 AM   #25
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I'm not sure if I would introduce my BF to this site. While I love it for the confidence it's given me, I don't visit and post a LOT, so it's not a huge part of my life. A few times a week at most, really. I actually met him on a social chat site and he messaged me and wanted to be friends...and a few days later he asked me to be his GF. We hit it off right away. I asked if he was okay with my size and that's when he told me he was into big girls, so .

I think my biggest issue would be with him looking at some of the different sections of the boards. He's not a feeder, so he might be weirded out by that. I'm not a gainer, I just happen to be a fat girl that accepts who I am...but he IS a fatty lover. He won't date a girl under a size 14 and he did say that he doesn't care if my size 20 self gains weight. But I think he DOES have a limit as to what size he is attracted to on the larger end of the scale, just like he does on the smaller, so maybe the feederism and gaining and SSBBW stuff would be a bit much for him. He's not a judgemental person by any means, but I think I would be uncomfortable with him seeing that stuff. I'm sure I could disclaim it and let him know I'm not into all that...but, then again, I like having somewhere I can come where it's kinda private from people I know...ya know?

So, in my situation, I'll let him know there's a message board I come to for support with different issues and comeraderie...but I won't extend an invitation for him to join me lol.

Last edited by OneHauteMama; 03-21-2011 at 07:34 AM.
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