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Old 05-20-2011, 07:05 PM   #26
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On the Myers-Brigg tests I am always 100% extrovert. SURPRISE!!!!!
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Old 05-21-2011, 08:07 AM   #27
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I am too.
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Old 05-21-2011, 01:26 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by musicman View Post
If you're shy, you may be an Introvert (in the Myers-Briggs sense of the word; use Google if you're not familiar with the science of personality types). An Introvert prefers to work things out in his head. An Extravert prefers to work things out by talking about them with other people. (Not everyone is a total Introvert or Extravert, of course, but most people tend towards one or the other.)

When approaching someone they are attracted to, the Extravert will go right up and talk to them. If they strike out, that's OK because the talking was part of the process. Introverts, on the other hand, want to solve the whole problem in their heads before they talk. This can lead to too much mental "rehearsal" and build-up of your wannabe relationship before it even starts. You can easily create unreasonable expectations of the other person ("she's the ONE for me") before you even meet them, and you can convince yourself that everything hinges on that first opening line ("I've got to get this right or I'm dead"). Then when things don't go exactly like your mental rehearsal, you can feel devastated. You endlessly re-play the conversation in your mind ("I totally screwed up. What did I say wrong?"). You beat yourself up, and you become too afraid to talk to the next woman you meet. (The Extraverts are laughing at this, but this is how Introverts sometimes act.)

There is no easy solution to this, but try to remember a few things: In human relationships, things NEVER go according to plan. The exact words you use are MUCH less important than you think. (Every person you meet will react differently to the same opening line.) The other person is NOT going to match your mental rehearsal. But that can be a good thing. She might be much more interesting than you could even imagine. Or she might shoot you down. And if she does, it might not have anything to do with what you said. Or you might have one or more dates, and find that it's not working out. If so, then she's simply NOT the one for you, and you're NOT the one for her. It's not the end of the world. Don't look at a break-up as a failure, but as an opportunity for both of you to go find more compatible companions elsewhere.

TL;DR bottom line: It's not easy, but the Introvert has to learn to "go with the flow". You can't pre-plan and control everything. Unexpected things WILL happen, and they won't all be your fault. Try to limit your endless mental rehearsals beforehand, and your endless post-mortem analyses afterwards. Learn from each encounter, but by all means, PUSH yourself to go on to the next one.
Very wise post. This definitely helps me understand my personality better, thanks for the insight! I look forward to the challenges!
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:36 PM   #29
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This is a nice thread, with good advice. "Relax" is good advice--as is the idea of letting unexpected things happen, because they're going to, anyhow.

I am way older than you, Scorcese, and I still struggle with shyness at times. I am a weird combo with new people of not-shy/brash/comfortable but also socially anxious/sweating the conversational silence/wanting to flee. (I always say that I'll introduce myself to anybody but at around 1:30 I start to get nervous. Bravado only gets you so far. Heh.) But once I'm comfortable around somebody...it all changes.

I mention all this by way of saying that I can get comfortable with/do the best with men who just...hang in there. Men who are mellow themselves, but have some intent in wanting to know who I am and awareness that they don't know who I am until they talk to me.

Taking your hands of the reins--letting go of the outcome--as with everything in this life, seems to be the key to managing shyness. Just letting things happen--but also showing up--giving things a chance to happen.

I dunno, all easier said than done, and I don't have this figured out myself, but still--just sympathizin. Empathizing.
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:48 PM   #30
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Very wise post. This definitely helps me understand my personality better, thanks for the insight! I look forward to the challenges!
Agreed. Excellent post. Thanks.
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:58 PM   #31
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INTJ. Yay! (But oddly social.)
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Old 05-21-2011, 09:53 PM   #32
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I know I am INTP for sure.

(Goes back to his room and theorizes scenarios of meeting women)
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Old 05-21-2011, 10:47 PM   #33
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Agreed. Excellent post. Thanks.
Yeah, that was a very insightful post. My advice would be to at least to attempt to talk to her. Even if it doesnt go the way you planned at least you wont be regretting never having tried to talk to her
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Old 05-22-2011, 07:12 PM   #34
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I am a definite introvert - whether by nature or "conditioning", I'm not sure, but it could help all us shy people to realize... there are others out there. I know that when I'm thinking of approaching someone, I usually build them up in my head as my total opposite: "How could I go talk to them? They're probably super-confident and outgoing and my nervousness will seem completely pathetic and they'll laugh in my face" etc, etc. This may sound weird, but it's actually kind of a relief for me to hear a few of you guys say that you're shy! I'll remember that the next time I'd like to introduce myself to someone - maybe he's just as shy as I am.

And as far as being approached... in my limited experience, I've had the opposite problem; guys who were not shy at all to grab my ass while dancing in the club (after having met mere hours ago) or proposition me to go back to their hotel room. I would be click-my-heels-in-the-air delighted to have a guy approach me and be a little awkward - if his nervousness stemmed from a sweet personality and a genuine desire to get to know me.
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Old 05-22-2011, 10:05 PM   #35
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Approaching someone I don't know is kinda complex for me. I can't approach anyone, but if they approach me, I don't really have a problem. It's pretty weird.
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Old 05-23-2011, 05:52 AM   #36
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Personally, I wouldn't want a guy to be like "Hey, nice shoes, wanna f*ck?"
heh, thats actually worked on me a time or two
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Old 05-23-2011, 08:07 AM   #37
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INFP, for what ever that is worth.

The way I see myself is sometimes a bit contradictory. Definitely shy, but the person who says hello to just about everyone who passes. The problem comes with what happens after "Hello". I am absolutely horrid at small talk...doubly so when it comes to me initiating or carrying the conversation. On the other hand, when it comes to helping someone with something I know a bit about, I never know when to shut up....LOL. In a party situation, I am going to be the guy over in the corner perfectly content to listen to the band and people watching.

For you Star Trek NG fans, A line from 'Reg' Barclay hit home:

"Being afraid all of the time, of forgetting somebody's name, not, not knowing... what to do with your hands. I mean, I, I am the guy who writes down things to remember to say when there's a party. And then, when he finally gets there, he winds up alone, in the corner, trying to look comfortable examining a potted plant."

In stead of examining the plant, I'd be people watching...and not really unhappy about it...the rest, yeah, pretty spot on.
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Old 05-23-2011, 08:35 AM   #38
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Quote:
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I'll remember that the next time I'd like to introduce myself to someone - maybe he's just as shy as I am.
This was the great revelation that came to me in high school. I assumed -- as teenagers will -- that everyone else was confident and clued in and I was the only one who wasn't totally cool and relaxed. But the more I thought about it the clearer it became that nobody else had any more idea what was going on than I did! So I determined to act confident and knowledgeable, and -- guess what -- I became a leader as my peers lined up to follow me on the principle of "He looks like he knows what he's doing, so he must be right." This, incidentally, has gone a long way towards letting me understand politics.
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Old 05-23-2011, 07:36 PM   #39
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I am horribly shy around new people, especially non-nerdy types that I have nothing in common with

I'm INTJ even.
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