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Old 06-06-2011, 10:55 AM   #1
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Default Being "picky"

Renewal of an argument I have often with my best (girl)friend. Basically, she thinks I'm too "picky" about who I'm interested in.

This is fairly true, I am picky, but not because I have what I consider to be unreasonable standards, but because I am very rarely attracted to someone I haven't speant some time with or communicated with.

So if someone comes on to me in a crowded bar where I cant hear what they're saying, they're going to get nowhere.

The result of this is that I rarely date and it seems to bother my friend that I haven't ever been in a long relationship. Part of this I think comes from the fact that she has never had a problem finding a boyfriend and she has many self esteem issues that means that she sees herself as unattractive (though she's georgeous). Her attitude is that if someone like her can find someone easily, I should be able to as well. But part of it I feel is the unsaid belief that someone like me should just settle for what she can get.

It's an irritating belief, and one I know large people run up against a lot, not just me.

I've just always firmly believed that its better to be without a partner and be happy with friends, family and education or career then to settle for someone, even on a temporary basis, that doesnt do it for me emotionally intellectually or physically.

Who else is seen as "picky"?
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Old 06-06-2011, 12:20 PM   #2
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I'm deeeefinitely seen as picky. I guess in a sense I am, but that's just because I think I'm worth more effort than a "hi, how are you? We're dating now."

That's basically how most of my friends have gone about with dating. They meet someone, spend about 10 minutes flirting, and instantly are welded together at the hip and call themselves boyfriends/girlfriends/whateva. I don't like this approach whatsoever. I've never done it and refuse to do it.

I think relationships take time to build. I date, but I haven't been in a relationship in years. Usually I don't go past a first date, though. Either both of us didn't like each other enough on the date, or the other person was just too much of an ass. My friends know this dating experience I have, and yet they still think I'm too picky.

I'd rather meet someone, go on a few dates, and if we like each other after maybe 3 or 4 dates, then see if the label fits. Not before that. I need time to like a person. They have to grow on me.

My friends are all about either the eye candy or the "omgtheylikeme?wowilurvethem!" stuff.

Sometimes it makes me really wonder how we're even friends... because this stuff is what they live for and basically all they wanna talk about.
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Old 06-06-2011, 02:13 PM   #3
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I'm picky and I don't have a problem with it. I did my slutting about and dating whoever after I split with my ex, which was fun. Since having a kid, I've been far pickier about who I want to be involved with. I only started dating again in December last year, and until then, it had been years since I'd met anyone I'd found interesting enough to want to date.
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Old 06-06-2011, 02:25 PM   #4
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Cool Ya damn right I'm picky & realistic...

.... with a light dusting of optimism-- and its getting lighter/ more impatient. LOL. I've got the right to be as much as anyone else. Never settle. No one really complains when some broad thats thin enough to walk through a harp is this way. So voila. We should be. You won't catch my hips on Maury Povich or Jerry Springer because I settled and wasn't picky enough w/ low or no self esteem.
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Old 06-06-2011, 02:26 PM   #5
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I dont think its wrong to be picky.

I wont give someone the time of day in a bar, either. That's like....the wrongest and most irritating place to meet someone and there's an 80% chance they are going to be a douchebag anyway. Because you met them in a bar. I go on date-free stretches for YEARS because I am so picky in combination with being fat and so few people accepting a fat, apple shaped frame.

She calls them dry spells. I call them therapy. I already sewed my wild oats anyway
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Old 06-06-2011, 03:24 PM   #6
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*SUBSCRIBES*

I could have said just about everything in this post. I haven't dated in so long I'm embarassed to even say. Honestly I'm more content this way. I tried the other way and not only was I no better off but it actually took away parts of my soul. Not for me.
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Old 06-06-2011, 03:48 PM   #7
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Romantic relationships rank high on the common scale of values in our society. I'm not sure why, but for some of us, it just ranks a little lower.

I think, personally, being an introvert is one of the factors in my case. While I enjoy socializing, it's just my main energy sucker, so I require more "alone" time. People can confuse "alone" with being "lonely", especially extroverts that recharge the opposite way.

I finally have friends that get it. They know me well enough to know why I have stayed single and am in no rush. Don't want kids and I'm "meh" about marriage. However, that doesn't mean I am not interested in a committed relationship. It's nice to have friends that aren't constantly trying to figure out "what's wrong" with me. However, if I did have friends like that...I wouldn't let it bother me. I know some people just don't relate, no more than I would to their need for husband/wife/kids/pets.

It may sound really lame, but I'm just kind of like "Oh, we'll find each other if we're supposed to.", or something equally simplistic (but true).
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Old 06-06-2011, 04:44 PM   #8
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i wonder why its considered picky of a woman doesn't want to take just any old thing? i'll give anyone a chance to be wonderful to me but i won't accept anyone who isn't. life is too short.
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Old 06-06-2011, 05:17 PM   #9
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Old 06-06-2011, 09:21 PM   #10
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I'm unbearably picky according to some unestablished standard quoted by my lady friends. A man has to have the right balance of nerdiness, introversion, common sense, feminist thinking, and quirky sexiness to spin my wheels. I've been labeled by the aformentioned group of friends as the "old maid," even while I was in a relationship for over 3 years! Granted, I'm not exactly the fish in the sea you'd pick first to mount and hang in your study for all eternity, but I find being "picky" a protective measure. Sure, my other friends have had more luck dating and screwing various men, but the few men I got are really interesting and intelligent people and I can say I enjoyed my time with them. Not many of my friends can say they've gotten much quality for their quantity. I'd rather be perpetually alone than have numerous relationships with very little depth. Like some of you above, I'm introverted and I hate having people encroach on my space, so those who do so should be worth the hassle.
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Old 06-06-2011, 10:24 PM   #11
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ahem...ladies, we have vaginas...we should be picky...if you are someone who has a vagina and is not picky, hence allowing anything to hump you, you void all rights to cry or whine or bitch about the douche lord men/women you allow to do you...everyone knows that the picky ladies are not the ones crying that they are lonely or feel the need to be with a man to be happy...most picky ladies i know are just content with their pickiness...

and to the unhappy picky ladies... there is no one perfect person, male or female... re-evaluate your picky standards and come to a reasonable acceptance...im just saying give the good guys/gals a break...they will be the ones to love you forever if you do...

and yes, i am picky...
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Old 06-07-2011, 12:06 AM   #12
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Notwithstanding the fact that I have demonstrated abysmal judgment a few time, I am indeed quite choosy because I'm worth it.
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Old 06-07-2011, 06:15 AM   #13
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Default Picky, Picky ;)♥

i will be the first person to admit, i'm a picky person. I don't think it's a bad thing. My friends some of them have very low standards for themselves. They support their boyfriends, basically take on a child instead of a romance ya know. I don't want that. I also tend to be very very very good to the men i date, just sayin lol. I don't wanna be good to someone who's not going to appreciate it and not give me any of that in return. "you might as well learn how to love trash if you don't know how to treat class baby!" and that's the best dating advice i can give any girl. You're worth as much as you think you're worth. never settle

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Old 06-07-2011, 01:51 PM   #14
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I don't like the term picky - it brings to mind fussy, old grandma's moaning about the kind of milk they put in their tea. I consider the business of finding a companion a very serious thing and I will not settle for somebody who does not share my values. I don't think that's being picky - it's displaying common sense and a very healthy sense of self-respect.

I'm home for the vac and catching up with a number of female friends has left me even more determined not to simply hook myself up to the first male person who drools in my direction. One of my friends married a guy who cheated on her a week before their wedding. She knew this and married him anyway - now she's miserable but considers herself better off than me because she is now in possession of that ultimate girly accessory - a man. Another has been wed less than 7 months and is seeking a divorce. Latching onto partners who are not suitable just for the sake of being in a relationship is not only incredibly sad it is also incredibly self-destructive. Do not let anybody talk you into partnering up with somebody who is not worthy of you. Relationships are meant to make your more, not less.
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Old 06-07-2011, 06:20 PM   #15
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Is it picky, if they at least have to be moderately intelligent, able to handle a conversation, smell good, have a sense of humour, pasions other than gettin' off, and be financially responsible for themselves?
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Old 06-07-2011, 07:03 PM   #16
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I think it's good to be picky. There are so many fat girls out there who will take whatever comes along just to get attention. I admit, I've been there and done that and it's because of those experiences that I wouldn't be with just anyone now. But now I wonder if the combination of things I need (single, tall, nerdy and geeky but also not so socially awkward, handsome, respectful FAs who have their shit together, and who can deal with my kink) is a little too specific since guys like that are few and far between, but to settle for less seems just wrong. I'd rather be single than settle.
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Old 06-08-2011, 08:08 PM   #17
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From experience, BE PICKY!!! I settled and ended up marrying someone who wasn't attracted to fatties and it was such a mistake. A costly one, too. Granted, I don't regret the experience and I wouldn't be where I am today without it (and we're still good friends), but I will 1,001 times recommend against settling. It is ABSOLUTELY okay to be picky and wait for the guy that's perfect for you. He's out there. Promise.
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Old 06-08-2011, 08:22 PM   #18
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I am picky

I am worth it

and after settling for second best in the past I would rather be alone than settle

I have faith and life is such an adventure in the meantime
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Old 06-08-2011, 10:39 PM   #19
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Yes, yes, yes and yes.

I just refuse to settle at this point, and if I have to be single for a time, so be it. I'm so with all of you ladies on this thread.
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Old 06-09-2011, 07:37 AM   #20
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There's a difference between having standards and being fucking picky.

I have standards. Its good to have standards. I like guys who have some common sense and who know what a hard day's work is like. But when it comes to clothing and looks... not so much. I'll give any decent guy a shot.

My bestie however, is to goddamn picky. He looks at the guys I've dated and sees ugly losers. I look at the guys he's dated... oh wait, he doesnt date because hes too picky. And then he complains about being single.
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Old 06-09-2011, 12:19 PM   #21
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I think it's very important to be picky. After all, anyone that I would be in a relationship with would hopefully share my dreams, hopes and aspirations for the future. They would need to be someone I could rely on to love and support me, through good times and bad, and I them. I think the person that goes on that journey with you needs to be someone pretty darn special. So, if that makes me picky, so be it!
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Old 06-09-2011, 01:19 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lozonloz View Post
"I am very rarely attracted to someone I haven't speant some time with or communicated with...So if someone comes on to me in a crowded bar where I cant hear what they're saying, they're going to get nowhere."
While "picky" is not a word I would use to describe myself, I have to admit that I, sort of, relate to this. I can often find someone even as much as very physically attractive; but as soon as they do or say the wrong thing, it's as though they just seem to change before my very eyes. Likewise, someone who looks quite unremarkable (to me, anyway) can become significantly more attractive as they demonstrate skills or values that I find appealing. The speed and intensity of this transition in perception is often based on my attitude toward whatever it is they're putting on display. I guess that makes me, I dunno, opinionated and fickle?

Obviously, as I get to know someone better, my expectations tend to perform better in terms of predicting their actions. And so my attitude toward that person will gradually become less dynamic. But as soon as they do something "out of character," it can gradually start to recontextualize how I feel.

Everyone who I've described this to in some detail says that it's weird for a guy. But I suspect it's more gender-neutral than some of us can imagine, if not quite common. Could be projecting though. I often wonder if it's just result of some particularly predictable cocktail of genetics, life experience, and personality.

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Originally Posted by lozonloz View Post
"...I rarely date and it seems to bother my friend that I haven't ever been in a long relationship...I've just always firmly believed that its better to be without a partner and be happy with friends, family and education or career then to settle for someone, even on a temporary basis, that doesnt do it for me emotionally intellectually or physically..."
I think what randomjenerator said has a lot to do with it, about different personality types. Among my own personal associations, I've noticed that either only-children or, to a lesser extent, children of two-child homes or children of divorced or single parents; even if they date more often; will tend to spend more time outside of long-term monogamous relationships. Whereas people from particularly large families or particularly close-knit ones will tend, the most, to remain in relationships longer in general. Just my totally unscientific opinion.

Basically, your attractiveness and who you're attracted to and the level or degree of attraction will only go so far as to determining the range of potential partners available to you. But, no matter what the level of attraction, you have to want to be in a relationship, and everything that feels like, and to continue to want it, aside from your feelings toward that particular person, in order for things to continue to work on a longer-term basis.
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Old 06-09-2011, 04:42 PM   #23
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I'm with Tau in that I don't really appreciate the term "picky" to describe myself. To me the word has a negative connotation that goes beyond just being careful, and seems to imply that someone's choosiness is somehow more extreme than it needs to be. Or they are just kind of finicky or something.

I consider myself open to all kinds of people, which is not to say that I'm not very discerning and intentional about the guys that I date. But I went through a period where I pretty much gave any guy a chance, and would go out with any guy who was interested - but most of the time it wouldn't go anywhere, either because we didn't have enough in common or because we couldn't connect conversationally in a way that satisfied me or we just didn't share enough similar values. And most of the time I was the one to decide those things and call it off.

Though I am really hoping not to return to the dating scene, if I did, because of how amazingly well my current boyfriend loves me, I would probably be even more selective about the guys I would date. And this is a really good growth in me, I think.
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Old 06-09-2011, 04:44 PM   #24
Tau
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Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Tau has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
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OMG do you know who I want to stab in the eye with a rusty spoon - people who say things like: Well no wander you're single - you keep going after men who are out of your league. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN OUT OF MY LEAGUE MOTHERFUCKER??!! NOFUCKING HUMAN BEING ON THIS PLANET IS OUT OF MY FUCKING LEAGUE!!!! AAARRRGGHHHH!!!!!!
A friend's therapist said this to her...her THERAPIST!! I just - I honestly just don't know.
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Old 06-09-2011, 04:49 PM   #25
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LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!LovelyLiz keeps pushing the rep limit!
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Originally Posted by Tau View Post
OMG do you know who I want to stab in the eye with a rusty spoon - people who say things like: Well no wander you're single - you keep going after men who are out of your league. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN OUT OF MY LEAGUE MOTHERFUCKER??!! NOFUCKING HUMAN BEING ON THIS PLANET IS OUT OF MY FUCKING LEAGUE!!!! AAARRRGGHHHH!!!!!!
A friend's therapist said this to her...her THERAPIST!! I just - I honestly just don't know.
That is so ridiculous. There is no such thing as leagues, anyway - and that therapist is an ignorant jackoff. It's one thing to go after people who are emotionally unavailable, and that's worth looking at...but leagues???? No such thing. Ignorant BS.
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