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Old 06-12-2011, 05:08 PM   #1
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Default apprehension about skinny men

I just joined this site and couldn't find anything specifically relevant to this. I've always dated big and tall men, and specifically black or hispanic men. They always have a bit of meat on them. I've recently moved back to where I went to high school, and it seems that there aren't many of my type around, but there are plenty of skinny white guys who are into BBW's.

Now, my freshman year of college (5 years ago), I was 'dating' this skinny black guy, and found out 5 weeks into it that it was a running joke between him and his friends as to how far along they could string the 'relationship'. This CRUSHED my self esteem, and I haven't been attracted to a skinny guy since.

In the past two weeks, I have been seeing two guys casually. I like them both quite well, but they are both skinny and white, and I'm just incredibly apprehensive. I always feel like it's a joke, even when they reassure me that it isn't. They tell me they love my body the way it is, and that I shouldn't be so worried.

Does anyone else go through this? Am I just delusional in the head? One of the guys makes me feel bad sometimes about the fact that when he goes to touch me in certain areas (hanging tummy, arms, inner thighs) I pull away. He gets angry and doesn't understand, but when I explain, he tells me I am overreacting, and that he "doesn't need to deal with this". The other guy wants to work me through it.

I'm so confused!
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Old 06-13-2011, 02:21 AM   #2
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I totally understand. I get the apprehension sometimes that skinny/built guys are kind of messing around with me due to a slightly similar thing happening. most thin guys who liked me would try to do that "behind closed doors" thing or say straight out (without me ever saying anything to them) "I couldnt date you because you need to lose weight first" and other hurtful things. While I'm like "Uh...what's your name again?"

So I'm here with you on some level. Thinking they're playing a prank or using someone to pass time, etc, etc.

And I have always been apprehensive about guys touching my stomach if thats one of your areas. Makes me insta-angry.
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Old 06-13-2011, 03:00 AM   #3
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It's understandable to be carrying some hesitance from your previous experiences, but it's worth working through them. Some people are jerks, whether they're skinny, fat, tall, short, male, female, married, single, whatever. It's just how some are. Plenty of people aren't jerks, though, and they're worth getting to know.

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Originally Posted by bbwgatorgirl View Post
One of the guys makes me feel bad sometimes about the fact that when he goes to touch me in certain areas (hanging tummy, arms, inner thighs) I pull away. He gets angry and doesn't understand, but when I explain, he tells me I am overreacting, and that he "doesn't need to deal with this".
He doesn't sound like he's worth being with. If he "doesn't need" to understand why you feel the way you do and is dismissive of your feelings, then you don't need him in your life. There's enough negativity out there in the world without inviting it into your heart and the bedroom.

Quote:
The other guy wants to work me through it.
This guy sounds better.

If someone isn't going to be respectful of my thoughts, feelings or body, then they're not really that interested in me. I deserve to be treated well, and so do you.
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Old 06-13-2011, 05:25 AM   #4
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Well, being out of college and away from the frat boy "culture" should help. The older you get, the less likely it is you'll run into such juvenile pranks. I guess my advice would be to take it slowly. If he's willing to stick out a long courtship he's probably in it for real.
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Old 06-13-2011, 05:37 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by bbwgatorgirl View Post
I just joined this site and couldn't find anything specifically relevant to this. I've always dated big and tall men, and specifically black or hispanic men. They always have a bit of meat on them. I've recently moved back to where I went to high school, and it seems that there aren't many of my type around, but there are plenty of skinny white guys who are into BBW's.

Now, my freshman year of college (5 years ago), I was 'dating' this skinny black guy, and found out 5 weeks into it that it was a running joke between him and his friends as to how far along they could string the 'relationship'. This CRUSHED my self esteem, and I haven't been attracted to a skinny guy since.

In the past two weeks, I have been seeing two guys casually. I like them both quite well, but they are both skinny and white, and I'm just incredibly apprehensive. I always feel like it's a joke, even when they reassure me that it isn't. They tell me they love my body the way it is, and that I shouldn't be so worried.

Does anyone else go through this? Am I just delusional in the head? One of the guys makes me feel bad sometimes about the fact that when he goes to touch me in certain areas (hanging tummy, arms, inner thighs) I pull away. He gets angry and doesn't understand, but when I explain, he tells me I am overreacting, and that he "doesn't need to deal with this". The other guy wants to work me through it.

I'm so confused!
Your problem has nothing to do with a man's weight, wether he is skinny or not. The issues are his ethics, and morels, and was he raised properly to treat a woman with respect and dignity, or was he raised to be a pimp. You need to raise your own esteem for one, and drop the players. Raise your own standard of acceptable behavior in the men you see, in accordance with what you want. Simply put, if you don't want to be played/used, avoid the player/user.
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Old 06-13-2011, 07:35 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by adam View Post
Simply put, if you don't want to be played/used, avoid the player/user.
But relationships are seldom simple, and player/users don't wear signs. They can be very, very charming at first, and you don't find out their true colors for some time. This is why I think Lala City's advice is excellent: a long courtship gives you time to get to know each other -- and for deceptions to come to light. Besides, everyone appreciates something -- or someone -- more if he has to work to get it -- or her.
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Old 06-13-2011, 09:29 AM   #7
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i think this is more of an experiential thing than a size thing. if anyone has a certain experience with a certain type of person it makes them hesitant. i had a horrible experience with a heavy guy and i think that affected my dating choices for a very long time. but as we all know size etc... does not determine everything about every person. after all, if people said they had an apprehension about fat women because of blah blah blah we'd all be very upset by it since we now we aren't all the same. take every person as an individual. take your time. take your self respect seriously with men of all sizes.

i think that just maybe the pulling away has more to do with how you feel about your own body than your past experience. i can't be sure because i don't really know you personally. how did you feel about your body before you met the stringing guy? why do you attribute the stringing to your size? couldn't he string a thin girl as well? maybe its time to really get in touch with and love your body yourself so that you can see exactly what these men seem to see in it. that might help to relieve some of the self doubt you seem to be feeling.
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Old 06-13-2011, 09:35 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by adam View Post
Your problem has nothing to do with a man's weight, wether he is skinny or not. The issues are his ethics, and morels, and was he raised properly to treat a woman with respect and dignity, or was he raised to be a pimp. You need to raise your own esteem for one, and drop the players. Raise your own standard of acceptable behavior in the men you see, in accordance with what you want. Simply put, if you don't want to be played/used, avoid the player/user.
i'm curious. are you the same Adam that was married to Moniquessbbw?
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Old 06-14-2011, 01:10 AM   #9
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I agree with Lalacity's advice to take it slow. Any guy who is really into you will be willing to take time to really share and get to know each other.

Not sure if this is any part of what you're dealing with, but when I have dated skinny guys, part of the issue is feeling like my body is alien and freakish to them, since they don't have all the bumps and bulges and jiggles of a fat body themselves - maybe it would seem weird to them or something. My bf now is skinny, and (tho he is not an FA) we talked about some of these fears (particularly when we first started dating) and he loves my body and has always been 100% reassuring about things and always willing to talk through them.

That's just to say, any guy who's worth it will be willing to hear about what it's like to live in your body, and want to do things to help you feel his attraction for you. HOWEVER...you also need to work through whatever past/present issues are around so that you can see yourself as beautiful and own your own beauty. It's not just up to the guy to affirm your body all by himself - it really has to start with your own core of self-acceptance, and his wonderful words and actions of appreciation and reassurance will solidify what is already there. Good luck to you!
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Old 06-14-2011, 08:31 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bbwgatorgirl View Post
In the past two weeks, I have been seeing two guys casually. I like them both quite well, but they are both skinny and white, and I'm just incredibly apprehensive. I always feel like it's a joke, even when they reassure me that it isn't. They tell me they love my body the way it is, and that I shouldn't be so worried.

Does anyone else go through this? Am I just delusional in the head? One of the guys makes me feel bad sometimes about the fact that when he goes to touch me in certain areas (hanging tummy, arms, inner thighs) I pull away. He gets angry and doesn't understand, but when I explain, he tells me I am overreacting, and that he "doesn't need to deal with this". The other guy wants to work me through it.

I'm so confused!
I give you credit for your lucidity. Some people jump straight into fear, judgment, decisive responses, and in the process burn all sorts of bridges. Confusion gets no respect in our society, while knowing what you're doing is so over-valued that people --haha man in particular-- will feign competence before admitting that we don't know something or are actually confused. Sometimes people are so busy trying to look smart that they don't even recognize that they should be confused.

Let me add something that i didn't notice in any of the other responses. While i think it's pretty obvious that a sensitive response in a guy is preferable to someone dismissive or rude, please don't discount the feelings of the guy having trouble dealing with your responses. No, i am not suggesting for a moment that you should suddenly swallow your pain and take care of him; i merely meant that it's very complex, and you're right to feel confused or perhaps conflicted. A player actually would be smoother than what this guy did; i believe he was genuine, but just not prepared to be patient with you. That doesn't make him a bad person; but you certainly have every right to decide you don't want his type of person in your life! You have all sorts of options.

This is just another layer of the complex onion that is fat admiration. Just as the outer layer might be the surprising discovery that some men actually don't mind fat women, and below that, the discovery that they genuinely desire/ like/ love/ (etc) fat women, below that surface are additional layers, such as the discovery that some thin guys (me for instance) prefer big women and crave the magical contrast between body types.

I like your turn of phrase, though (when you said "Does anyone else go through this? Am I just delusional in the head?"). Everybody's alike in the sense that we're really all alone, without any way of knowing what the other person is thinking. I think your instinct to question & doubt your impressions is a sound instinct. But i'd add that you have a right to raise these questions, a right to want something more than question marks for the rest of your life. They may never fully vanish, but without the inquiry you won't really put the questions to bed.
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Old 06-14-2011, 09:25 AM   #11
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" One of the guys makes me feel bad sometimes about the fact that when he goes to touch me in certain areas (hanging tummy, arms, inner thighs) I pull away. He gets angry and doesn't understand, but when I explain, he tells me I am overreacting, and that he "doesn't need to deal with this". "

I am going to judge...lots.

I wouldn't give this one any...any...more of your time. It's one thing to get frustrated ( oh, wait, you said ANGRY )...it is QUITE another to, after you explain, for him to tell you you are overreacting. You are not ' just ' reacting...you are trying to bring him closer to you by giving him what is in your head...trying to get communication going, and he dismisses you? That is a HUGE red flag for how a person respects you when other difficulties enter any pontential relationship.

Discount this guys feelings. You are trying with him, and he is demeaning you with " you are overreacting ".

You have the right to be treated like you can enjoy a relationship where you won't get shot down and made wrong for your struggles. There are others out there, as you are seeing. You tell the jerk...yes, jerk...to deal with his inability to interact kindly with someone who is giving him more than he deserves.....and then get back to you.

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Old 06-14-2011, 10:56 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by mossystate View Post
" One of the guys makes me feel bad sometimes about the fact that when he goes to touch me in certain areas (hanging tummy, arms, inner thighs) I pull away. He gets angry and doesn't understand, but when I explain, he tells me I am overreacting, and that he "doesn't need to deal with this". "

I am going to judge...lots.

I wouldn't give this one any...any...more of your time. It's one thing to get frustrated ( oh, wait, you said ANGRY )...it is QUITE another to, after you explain, for him to tell you you are overreacting. You are not ' just ' reacting...you are trying to bring him closer to you by giving him what is in your head...trying to get communication going, and he dismisses you? That is a HUGE red flag for how a person respects you when other difficulties enter any pontential relationship.

Discount this guys feelings. You are trying with him, and he is demeaning you with " you are overreacting ".

You have the right to be treated like you can enjoy a relationship where you won't get shot down and made wrong for your struggles. There are others out there, as you are seeing. You tell the jerk...yes, jerk...to deal with his inability to interact kindly with someone who is giving him more than he deserves.....and then get back to you.
that is a good point. if the guy is actually angry and trying to make you the bad guy he is being emotionally abusive and you probably do need to run. someone who cares about you will be patient and understanding and it won't all be about his needs.
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Old 06-14-2011, 05:24 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by GTAFA View Post
I give you credit for your lucidity. Some people jump straight into fear, judgment, decisive responses, and in the process burn all sorts of bridges. Confusion gets no respect in our society, while knowing what you're doing is so over-valued that people --haha man in particular-- will feign competence before admitting that we don't know something or are actually confused. Sometimes people are so busy trying to look smart that they don't even recognize that they should be confused.

Let me add something that i didn't notice in any of the other responses. While i think it's pretty obvious that a sensitive response in a guy is preferable to someone dismissive or rude, please don't discount the feelings of the guy having trouble dealing with your responses. No, i am not suggesting for a moment that you should suddenly swallow your pain and take care of him; i merely meant that it's very complex, and you're right to feel confused or perhaps conflicted. A player actually would be smoother than what this guy did; i believe he was genuine, but just not prepared to be patient with you. That doesn't make him a bad person; but you certainly have every right to decide you don't want his type of person in your life! You have all sorts of options.

This is just another layer of the complex onion that is fat admiration. Just as the outer layer might be the surprising discovery that some men actually don't mind fat women, and below that, the discovery that they genuinely desire/ like/ love/ (etc) fat women, below that surface are additional layers, such as the discovery that some thin guys (me for instance) prefer big women and crave the magical contrast between body types.

I like your turn of phrase, though (when you said "Does anyone else go through this? Am I just delusional in the head?"). Everybody's alike in the sense that we're really all alone, without any way of knowing what the other person is thinking. I think your instinct to question & doubt your impressions is a sound instinct. But i'd add that you have a right to raise these questions, a right to want something more than question marks for the rest of your life. They may never fully vanish, but without the inquiry you won't really put the questions to bed.
Thank you for your response

Quote:
Let me add something that i didn't notice in any of the other responses. While i think it's pretty obvious that a sensitive response in a guy is preferable to someone dismissive or rude, please don't discount the feelings of the guy having trouble dealing with your responses. No, i am not suggesting for a moment that you should suddenly swallow your pain and take care of him; i merely meant that it's very complex, and you're right to feel confused or perhaps conflicted. A player actually would be smoother than what this guy did; i believe he was genuine, but just not prepared to be patient with you. That doesn't make him a bad person; but you certainly have every right to decide you don't want his type of person in your life! You have all sorts of options.
I never saw it that way; thank you for bringing this up. He does seem pretty genuine when he says he doesn't want to deal with it. My concern though, is that after I posted this thread, we had another disagreement about this whole thing, and his response then was "I don't need to go through all of this to get some ass. I can get that somewhere else." I have since dropped him. Not only was he insensitive, but he relished in the fact that he has girls constantly swooning for him.
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Old 06-14-2011, 05:36 PM   #14
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My concern though, is that after I posted this thread, we had another disagreement about this whole thing, and his response then was "I don't need to go through all of this to get some ass. I can get that somewhere else." I have since dropped him. Not only was he insensitive, but he relished in the fact that he has girls constantly swooning for him.
Since you are asking for feedback, let me say this........next time a man shows you his hand, believe him. Don't think you have to walk him through his issues, not when he is degrading YOU.

People will tell you not to judge, but you are worth more than being abused like that. This has little to nothing to do with weight or a boys ability to deal with how he feel about it.

We would do well...out here in Dims...to see beyond the fat/admiration in situations like this.
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Old 06-15-2011, 04:46 PM   #15
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I am hoping this advice helps as far as pulling back when being touched in certain areas. I used to do the same thing. I found what helped me most was touching myself. Touching my own stomach and looking at myself in the mirror and looking at myself through the eyes of someone who finds my fat attractive not through the eyes of the society that despises me.

It's going to take time, but you will get there and on your terms not someone elses.
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Old 06-15-2011, 06:01 PM   #16
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It is definitely insensitive to tell you that you're overreacting with your hesitation, confusion and apprehension. There's no excuse for that. It seems he's not really willing to deal with your issues and wants to get what he can get from you. I could be very wrong, but my immediate reaction was exactly that.
It's much more appropriate for someone to be interested in you and for them to embrace things about you; someone who is willing to listen to you when you have your [justified] reasons for the issue. Guy #2 seems to be doing it properly. If you're honest with yourself and him about why it bothers you, then you can continue to move forward with it - and possibly him.

Moreover, GTAFA said it very well - confusion be-damned by so many, you have every right to work through it.
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Old 06-16-2011, 05:20 AM   #17
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I can tell a player is a player instantly, by how he is dressed and speaks to people, but I guess many women can't see or hear that clearly, and fall for the smooth talking charmer, while wondering, or not noticing they are paying all the time when on a date. Rarely will a player pay for anything unless he thinks he can get laid directly and in a timely manner from the token gesture with a woman of low self esteem. A player only wants to spend money on themselves, and will have an excuse as to why they are broke every time money is brought up, wether it's to pay for dinner or whatever. They do that twice, drop them instantly. They can get themselves a new fancy fake gold watch, a new cell phone, an audio system in their humty, new wheels on their humty that are worth more than the car, but they can't buy you dinner, and a movie. That is a player.
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Old 06-16-2011, 06:40 AM   #18
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Since you are asking for feedback, let me say this........next time a man shows you his hand, believe him. Don't think you have to walk him through his issues, not when he is degrading YOU.

People will tell you not to judge, but you are worth more than being abused like that. This has little to nothing to do with weight or a boys ability to deal with how he feel about it.

We would do well...out here in Dims...to see beyond the fat/admiration in situations like this.
This is truth.
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Old 06-16-2011, 08:03 AM   #19
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This is truth.
I'm committing this to memory. The "benefit of the doubt" route is neeeeever necessary or the way to go. Or I'm just not that trusting anymore.

Either way, I 10000% agree.
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Old 06-16-2011, 10:09 AM   #20
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I'm committing this to memory. The "benefit of the doubt" route is neeeeever necessary or the way to go. Or I'm just not that trusting anymore.

Either way, I 10000% agree.
Totally with all you ladies on this.

Especially a guy's actions early on in a relationship - I mean, people try to put their BEST foot forward at the start of a relationship, and if the person is already acting like an insensitive jerk, well, I'd hate to see what kind of stuff they're going to be pulling once the relationship is even more settled and they get comfortable.
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Old 06-18-2011, 12:24 AM   #21
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I just joined this site and couldn't find anything specifically relevant to this. I've always dated big and tall men, and specifically black or hispanic men. They always have a bit of meat on them. I've recently moved back to where I went to high school, and it seems that there aren't many of my type around, but there are plenty of skinny white guys who are into BBW's.

Now, my freshman year of college (5 years ago), I was 'dating' this skinny black guy, and found out 5 weeks into it that it was a running joke between him and his friends as to how far along they could string the 'relationship'. This CRUSHED my self esteem, and I haven't been attracted to a skinny guy since.

In the past two weeks, I have been seeing two guys casually. I like them both quite well, but they are both skinny and white, and I'm just incredibly apprehensive. I always feel like it's a joke, even when they reassure me that it isn't. They tell me they love my body the way it is, and that I shouldn't be so worried.

Does anyone else go through this? Am I just delusional in the head? One of the guys makes me feel bad sometimes about the fact that when he goes to touch me in certain areas (hanging tummy, arms, inner thighs) I pull away. He gets angry and doesn't understand, but when I explain, he tells me I am overreacting, and that he "doesn't need to deal with this". The other guy wants to work me through it.

I'm so confused!
I'm sure it's already said, but the second guy sounds like a better option..for one thing. haha
It sounds like you're going to need some sensitivity and understanding with the issue. Most guys who have the instant reaction of being angry/put off (at anything) will tend to just shrug off the issue rather than actually caring about why YOU were reacting in that manner.

It's understandable that'd you be apprehensive with skinnier guys because of your past experience(s). Not to mention that in today's society it's a semi rare occurrence for bigger girls to be seen with average/skinny men. I guess in a sense it probably sets off something in our heads to make us believe that we need to be with a larger guy so it kind of 'evens out'. Or so that you won't feel as self conscious. However, I will say that there are plenty of slender guys out there who would absolutely love to be with a woman of size, and would take it far from a joke. I'm kind of biased on the subject, but dating a skinny guy when you're fat can be quite the experience. Contrast is not a bad thing, believe me. I've dated guys pretty close to my size, and guys who were less than half of me..both having different benefits.

I'm wondering if you were self conscious when the 'meatier' guys would touch your body in some of those spots, or if it's just with the skinny ones.
If a guy says he likes your body, he's more than likely not lying. As hard as it may be, I would try and give him the benefit of the doubt in that. I guarantee when he touches some of your softer parts he's not measuring how fat it is (in a bad way, anyway).
Of course, you didn't really mention if you were ultimately sexually attracted to the skinnier guys either, which does play an important role in all of this.

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Old 06-22-2011, 01:59 PM   #22
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Since making this post, I have found out that all men are not worth trusting. The one who said he'd help me through it? Apparently he lied about a ton of stuff. He's not skinny, btw..so to me this shows a complete lack of respect from ALL men. He hacked into my computer (even though it's password protected), stole some rather explicit pictures of me, and is now threatening to send them to everyone at my university.

And no, I can't do anything about it legally until he actually does send them, as he's claiming that I sent them to him.

Thanks for everyone's opinions, though!
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Old 06-22-2011, 02:10 PM   #23
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That sucks. I sincerely hope the pig doesn't send the images out - distance yourself from him as much as possible. I also know that this is not something you probably want to hear right now but not all men are scaly losers. Beware the ones who will want to use you, who hate themselves and because of that fear and hate you even more. And shitty male people come in all shapes, sizes and colours - just beware. Always, always follow your gut feelings and the whole forgive and forget thing - use it very, very sparingly *hugz*
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Old 06-22-2011, 02:40 PM   #24
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Since making this post, I have found out that all men are not worth trusting. The one who said he'd help me through it? Apparently he lied about a ton of stuff. He's not skinny, btw..so to me this shows a complete lack of respect from ALL men. He hacked into my computer (even though it's password protected), stole some rather explicit pictures of me, and is now threatening to send them to everyone at my university.

And no, I can't do anything about it legally until he actually does send them, as he's claiming that I sent them to him.

Thanks for everyone's opinions, though!
There are lots of very nice and decent men out there. You can't see that right now, because this is fresh. I know you know this. I thought you said you were " seeing " both these guys and that they were skinny? I was just wondering if this had been ' just ' an online thing? Not that it ultimately matters, since eye-to-eye people can be complete tools, too.
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Old 06-22-2011, 02:42 PM   #25
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There are lots of very nice and decent men out there. You can't see that right now, because this is fresh. I know you know this. I thought you said you were " seeing " both these guys and that they were skinny? I was just wondering if this had been ' just ' an online thing? Not that it ultimately matters, since eye-to-eye people can be complete tools, too.
This second guy was average. Not too skinny, not fat. The first guy was actually skinny.
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