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Old 07-15-2011, 09:32 PM   #51
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First off, I posted on the first page http://dimensionsmagazine.com/forums...3&postcount=22 So, this has nothing to do with thinking that you're judging me. What you, or anyone else, thinks about my marriage doesn't bother me.

I had typed out a long response, but I just can't hit send, because you just don't get it....and never will.

God forbid a woman is with a man that finds every roll, dimple, double chin, bat wing, fupa, etc. attractive. I just don't understand your logic that a fat woman that dates/fucks/marries an FA has done so because she doesn't think she has any choice or is a body-hating, self loathing, bitch in heat.


tbat's your interpretation of what i said. keep rolling with it as long as that's what you want to believe. its your problem not mine.
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Old 07-15-2011, 09:36 PM   #52
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please excuse what i'm going to say. i don't mean it as a personal judgment but something to just think about. but should a fat woman be so dependent on a particular type of person or a particular group of people in order to like her body or "make peace" with the fact that she'll never be small? is she settling and if so what is she actually settling for. does the inability to feel comfortable in her body anywhere with anyone more something to be dealing with from within themselves than something to be dependent on other people for. is the ability to feel comfortable with ones own body more about the individual person and whats inside them than the security of who they feel they can hang with because they are too afraid to put themselves out there just in case? should she be worrying about exactly what the opinion of someone else will be when she takes the second serving at all? knowing that there are lots of men out there who find larger than average women attractive, why so much fear? shouldn't the fear be dealt with? should she make herself emotionally dependent just because of her size?
Well when I originally read this I was going to post a nice, long reply. However, Olwen said everything I wanted to say much more articulately than I could. SuperO, we just simply disagree on FAs and what they have to offer. I really dont have the time or energy to pick apart all the incorrect assumptions about myself and my relationships in the above paragraph. And as you so eloquently point out, I should only worry about my own opinion anyway.
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Old 07-15-2011, 09:56 PM   #53
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Well when I originally read this I was going to post a nice, long reply. However, Olwen said everything I wanted to say much more articulately than I could. SuperO, we just simply disagree on FAs and what they have to offer. I really dont have the time or energy to pick apart all the incorrect assumptions about myself and my relationships in the above paragraph. And as you so eloquently point out, I should only worry about my own opinion anyway.
i don't know what you think my assumptions are or are not. they were questions and not concrete assumptions. they weren't generated to cover everyone in every situation or to attack you. they are just talking and thinking points that some of the things you said brought up in my mind. you are right your opinion is totally valid and your life is not subject to anyone's opinion. i was just interested in what you and other people thought about those questions.
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Old 07-16-2011, 12:55 AM   #54
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oops i did say something about settling. but i didn't mean settling for FAs as if they were somehow less than other men. what i meant was settling only because a fat woman is too scared to branch out or take a chance because she is afraid. that has nothing to do with the quality of individual FAs, just artificial personal limitations.
The problem is not fat women, the problem is men who are afraid to date fat women. They hide, they lie, they cheat, they are afraid. If it weren't a big deal it would be easier to meet decent guys who happen to be attracted to fat women. It's not a question of settling. It's not about fear, It's about going where the boys are. If they tend to gather in places like this then it's easier to meet.

Does this mean it's impossible to meet a man outside "the community" of course not. It's just harder, and I'm sure we've all tried at some point in our lives. If there was no stigma there would be no problem.
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Old 07-16-2011, 08:11 AM   #55
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The problem is not fat women, the problem is men who are afraid to date fat women. They hide, they lie, they cheat, they are afraid. If it weren't a big deal it would be easier to meet decent guys who happen to be attracted to fat women. It's not a question of settling. It's not about fear, It's about going where the boys are. If they tend to gather in places like this then it's easier to meet.

Does this mean it's impossible to meet a man outside "the community" of course not. It's just harder, and I'm sure we've all tried at some point in our lives. If there was no stigma there would be no problem.
Exactly....soo exactly. I read some of your other posts in this thread and you read my mind....

I'm currently over 400 lbs and my reality is this:

It does not matter how intelligent, witty, funny, bubbly, sarcastic, outgoing, friendly, talkative I am the reality is 99.9% of men do not find me physically attractive. (Even supposed FA's don't find me attractive - I guess I'm just reallllly screwed! LOL) People love my personality, they just can't seem to get over how I look. Male friends in the past, if anyone thought or even hinted/joked we might be a couple he inevitably would deny it vehemently and flip out and soon the friendship would be gone and I wouldn't hear from them...or men in public at dog parks will talk to me, but, watch their body language and they make sure to keep a) a distance and b) their body language screams I'm not with this person - they turn their body and keep more than 3 feet (unless it is a gay man and most of them are quite lovely and very accepting and could care less) between us..

In my experience I can't say I have ever dated, because I haven't...I'm the girl guys only want to have sex with, because, clearly ( as just proven once again recently) I'm far too hideous to be seen with in public (<sic> perhaps I don't know..this is the way I have been made to feel my entire life) to take out somewhere, to be known and introduced as someones girlfriend..

Have the guys I messed around with been FA's? I don't even think most of them knew that term....but, my reality is this: Those guys would have never ever tried to get me bed, etc if they were not attracted to very fat girls.. and I believe this goes to what Jes questions about smaller bigger girls vs us over a certain weight: I really believe there is a difference between being slightly overweight and dating - I see this on these boards as well as real life - smaller size bbw''s have a larger dating pool that includes men who do not self-identify as FA's. Those are the guys who say I like a woman with a little meat on her bones. And honestly, the average size of a woman in America is a size 16 to 18 - so...yes, I do believe they have a much larger dating pool than I.

Conversely, to like or be attracted to someone of my size is more often than not seen as something shameful. To be kept hidden and that should never see the light of day. That one should be ashamed. Keep it on the DL - sneak away in the cover of night - never tell your friends...and never let me find out where you live because the scary fat girl might like visit or something. Like they are trying to date a gremlin or something! LOL (Never get them wet, or feed them after midnight and no bright light! HA!) Sneak attack! Stealthy fat ninja! Even though, honestly, if they knew me ..reallllly knew me, they would know this: I have far too much integrity, dignity and class to EVER stalk them or "sneak up" on them. LOL That just kills me.

This of course is my experience and I can only speak to my experiences and perceptions.

Honestly though, I will be 37 tomorrow and if the first 37 is any indication of the next dating wise - I'm ready to move to my next life. lol
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Old 07-16-2011, 01:35 PM   #56
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The problem is not fat women, the problem is men who are afraid to date fat women. They hide, they lie, they cheat, they are afraid. If it weren't a big deal it would be easier to meet decent guys who happen to be attracted to fat women. It's not a question of settling. It's not about fear, It's about going where the boys are. If they tend to gather in places like this then it's easier to meet.

Does this mean it's impossible to meet a man outside "the community" of course not. It's just harder, and I'm sure we've all tried at some point in our lives. If there was no stigma there would be no problem.
see that's not my experience at all. men inside or outside are probably just as likely to do those things from what i've seen. i can't tell you the number of men i personally know who have one life in the community and a whole other one outside of it. so no one has the lock on telling the truth either inside or outside. men are just men. i think we should just be taking them as individuals as you said.

one thing i can say though is that a guy who will come up to you and flirt openly and even try to ask you out in front of his friends in public is not the guy who is likely to be thinking about how he is going to hide you. IME i've found much more of that inside the community where people can segregate themselves at special events and get lost in a crowd often pretending that they are only with friends. no one ever knows who or if they are dating. they can manage to keep it all on the down low if that's what they want and still get the benefits. they have no reason to do otherwise if they don't want to. there is no incentive.

i never knew anything about any closet for any guy who liked me relative to my size at all growing up. so i think it depends on the experiences you have. no one i've dated has ever been afraid of what the public thinks. i actually refuse to date anyone with that mindset because i'm totally uncomfortable with it. i don't want the male equivalent of Hyacinth Bucket. i probably generally get cues from a guy i won't like even before we get to that stage and maybe that cuts them out beforehand.

sure, fat women are not responsible for what guys do, but we might have to start taking more ownership of the choices we make that seem to say its okay and understandable when a guy feels closeted. its not okay or understandable. there are lots of guys out there who its no issue for at all. if they can feel free so can others if they'd really like to. so just maybe BBWs need to be careful about allowing themselves to be manipulated by certain guys who'll take advantage when a fat woman is not a place yet to recognize how untenable it is to say that a beautiful woman that they are attracted to makes them ashamed. we probably do need to be their friends, be supportive but totally refuse to agree with that or ever sacrifice ourselves to that.

to the women who've had bad experiences, i'm sorry. i hope they change for you soon. but there are several realities at work here. if we can talk truthfully and openly maybe we can get to why some people have polar opposite feelings and experiences relating to this. one thing we might need to think about is whether what we already think in our heads is affecting our reality. what are we bringing to the outside world. do we have the open attitude that is attractive in that we are receptive to the attention we do get. do we even believe we are getting any. are we ignoring it when we get it because we don't feel safe and we feel what could happen is totally out of our control? why is it that sometimes we are not seeing that people are attracted to us? why does a man need to wave a big sign to get our honest open and receptive attention?
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Old 07-16-2011, 02:20 PM   #57
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see that's not my experience at all. men inside or outside are probably just as likely to do those things from what i've seen. i can't tell you the number of men i personally know who have one life in the community and a whole other one outside of it. so no one has the lock on telling the truth either inside or outside. men are just men. i think we should just be taking them as individuals as you said.

one thing i can say though is that a guy who will come up to you and flirt openly and even try to ask you out in front of his friends in public is not the guy who is likely to be thinking about how he is going to hide you. IME i've found much more of that inside the community where people can segregate themselves at special events and get lost in a crowd often pretending that they are only with friends. no one ever knows who or if they are dating. they can manage to keep it all on the down low if that's what they want and still get the benefits. they have no reason to do otherwise if they don't want to. there is no incentive.

i never knew anything about any closet for any guy who liked me relative to my size at all growing up. so i think it depends on the experiences you have. no one i've dated has ever been afraid of what the public thinks. i actually refuse to date anyone with that mindset because i'm totally uncomfortable with it. i don't want the male equivalent of Hyacinth Bucket. i probably generally get cues from a guy i won't like even before we get to that stage and maybe that cuts them out beforehand.

sure, fat women are not responsible for what guys do, but we might have to start taking more ownership of the choices we make that seem to say its okay and understandable when a guy feels closeted. its not okay or understandable. there are lots of guys out there who its no issue for at all. if they can feel free so can others if they'd really like to. so just maybe BBWs need to be careful about allowing themselves to be manipulated by certain guys who'll take advantage when a fat woman is not a place yet to recognize how untenable it is to say that a beautiful woman that they are attracted to makes them ashamed. we probably do need to be their friends, be supportive but totally refuse to agree with that or ever sacrifice ourselves to that.

to the women who've had bad experiences, i'm sorry. i hope they change for you soon. but there are several realities at work here. if we can talk truthfully and openly maybe we can get to why some people have polar opposite feelings and experiences relating to this. one thing we might need to think about is whether what we already think in our heads is affecting our reality. what are we bringing to the outside world. do we have the open attitude that is attractive in that we are receptive to the attention we do get. do we even believe we are getting any. are we ignoring it when we get it because we don't feel safe and we feel what could happen is totally out of our control? why is it that sometimes we are not seeing that people are attracted to us? why does a man need to wave a big sign to get our honest open and receptive attention?
Felicia, I think your experiences as a fat woman are probably unique.

As for the part in bold...I'm honestly surprised you need to ask this question, but if you haven't had the kinds of experiences that most of us have had then I guess it makes sense for you to wonder about it.

Perhaps for women who have not been fat their whole lives and who have had a chance to have "normal" dating experiences, flirting may not be so challenging or mysterious. I didn't start to date until I turned 30, and I still feel like I'm playing catch up and I have no idea what I'm doing. All I know is my experience. Most guys pulled away sharply once they realized I was flirting with them. It happened A LOT. Seriously, I don't have enough fingers and toes to count them all. For me it's not for a lack of trying. So now unless a guy shows some kind of interest I don't bother. I'm not going to keep sticking my hand in the fire. Eventually I'll have no skin left to burn.

And I get that you want to help fat women realize their full potential and all and that's well and good, but intimating that we should throw ourselves full into the fray of dating and whatnot when our experiences speak otherwise (in big bold blazing letters no less) isn't likely to be of any help whatsoever. It just alienates you from the rest of us and makes you seem like a fat woman hating fat woman, and I know that deep down you are not. That you have managed to get thru life as a fat woman (I think you've said you've been fat your whole life, yes?) without having men try to shit all over you, reject you left and right, refuse to acknowledge your whole personhood, say one thing and do another, or pretend they don't have feelings for you all because of your size is truly shocking to me, and I just don't know what else to say to that.

This question of settling for FAs just seems...pointless to me. It makes more sense to me to think a fat woman would be settling if she chose a man who didn't truly appreciate her body because she didn't think she could do any better. And i know fat people don't have a lock on this concept so please don't mistake my meaning. Thin people settle for each other too but I'm sure something as fundamental as body size isn't one of those reasons.

Ultimately I can't say what's right or wrong or dictate what other people should do. I can only say what's right for me. For me it's not settling to choose an FA.
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Old 07-16-2011, 03:32 PM   #58
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Felicia, I think your experiences as a fat woman are probably unique.

As for the part in bold...I'm honestly surprised you need to ask this question, but if you haven't had the kinds of experiences that most of us have had then I guess it makes sense for you to wonder about it.

Perhaps for women who have not been fat their whole lives and who have had a chance to have "normal" dating experiences, flirting may not be so challenging or mysterious. I didn't start to date until I turned 30, and I still feel like I'm playing catch up and I have no idea what I'm doing. All I know is my experience. Most guys pulled away sharply once they realized I was flirting with them. It happened A LOT. Seriously, I don't have enough fingers and toes to count them all. For me it's not for a lack of trying. So now unless a guy shows some kind of interest I don't bother. I'm not going to keep sticking my hand in the fire. Eventually I'll have no skin left to burn.

And I get that you want to help fat women realize their full potential and all and that's well and good, but intimating that we should throw ourselves full into the fray of dating and whatnot when our experiences speak otherwise (in big bold blazing letters no less) isn't likely to be of any help whatsoever. It just alienates you from the rest of us and makes you seem like a fat woman hating fat woman, and I know that deep down you are not. That you have managed to get thru life as a fat woman (I think you've said you've been fat your whole life, yes?) without having men try to shit all over you, reject you left and right, refuse to acknowledge your whole personhood, say one thing and do another, or pretend they don't have feelings for you all because of your size is truly shocking to me, and I just don't know what else to say to that.

This question of settling for FAs just seems...pointless to me. It makes more sense to me to think a fat woman would be settling if she chose a man who didn't truly appreciate her body because she didn't think she could do any better. And i know fat people don't have a lock on this concept so please don't mistake my meaning. Thin people settle for each other too but I'm sure something as fundamental as body size isn't one of those reasons.

Ultimately I can't say what's right or wrong or dictate what other people should do. I can only say what's right for me. For me it's not settling to choose an FA.
i get you and i feel you. i'm not saying the choice of an FA is wrong, just that there is another reality too that has nothing to do with being rejected just because a woman is fat. there isn't just one reality. and being with someone who treats you well is NEVER settling. its a great thing.

i do have to say though that my experiences are not that unique. i grew up with a lot of cousins and aunts who were also SSBBWs. they were all married dating going to prom and the whole nine yards just like everyone else. most of us started dating around 16 or as soon as our dad's would let us. i have a lot of friends not in the community who are the same as i am. i was even with a lot of them when they met their husbands etc... in high school and college just like anyone else. we did a poll here and most people said they began dating in college. that's not even so unusual for people who are thin. i really don't feel that fat folk are as fringe or outsider as people like to make them.

there are a lot of realities. yours is one and mine is one too. mine isn't that rare. it might seem rare in the community because this is where women and men having issues come for support. but even here i don't think its fair to make a blanket statement that most of the women here didn't date and weren't found attractive until they were in their 30s. there are way too many posts to the contrary. that's not a judgment on people who have waited until their 30s or longer because guess what, it happens to thin people too. i know plenty. i have a sister who is 52 and has been between a size zero and a size 2 for most of her life. she is athletic pretty and smart. she's done everything that the media says they should have and is still in a tough situation --without ever having had an SO in her entire life.

there are lots of fat women out there and in here who have always had the support of their family and the respect of their community. i feel bad because it seems that there are a lot of fat women have been exposed to a whole lot of abusive people. i don't think its natural or normal to make fat people suffer so much. maybe its time to call the media family members and other people out for the emotional abuse they heap on people they think are an easy target for their rage at life. its doesn't always have to be like that. there are actually people in the world who are decent toward others whether they are fat or not or whether they are even attracted to fat people or not.

we just come from different perspectives and there is room for both of them.
all i'm saying is that just maybe that the focus on fat as a reason for why people are not dating etc... might not be the actual reason anyway. maybe they aren't dating for the same reason other women aren't dating. maybe they just haven't met the right person. maybe being an emotionally abused person has caused them to develop a hard shell. maybe fears drive a lot of their choices. i dn;t think fat women are special cases. we aren't super women. if something bad happens to us we often carry baggage just like anyone else.

i totally disagree with the person who posted that very few men are attracted to larger than average women. actually most men are. more men are attracted to larger than average women than the slim model types. its been documented everywhere but a lot of women seem not to listen. not saying that it has to be true, but it has me thinking that just maybe the mindset and negative expectations might be more of an actual hindrance than a woman's actual size. after all, who can really be attracted to someone who has so many negative expectations of them? i know a lot of men who find fat women beautiful but they don't feel like dealing with that kind of negative focus. they don't feel like dealing with someone who generalizes instances of a few very loud and vocal assholes to them.
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Old 07-16-2011, 03:34 PM   #59
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I don't think it's "settling" to choose an FA either. Perhaps though, there is an amount of settling in thinking that the only guys open to dating us as fat women are guys who identify as FAs? Because the reality is, there are a lot more fat women than self-identified FAs, and finding a compatible person among that smaller pool can be really hard (I have years and years of trying as evidence for that). So even though the pain of rejection SUCKS in terms of seeing a guy as a romantic possibility, and then being rejected because of fatness, I still do think that given how hard it is to find a really compatible person it's good to be as open as possible - perhaps with phases of a more closed mindset when extra self-protection feels necessary.

Several years ago I was spending a lot of time with a really great guy, who did not identify as an FA, and I was beginning to have a crush on him. He then met a girl on a train and fell hard for her, and we pretty much stopped hanging out - and then they got married. In my head I pictured a very thin woman, and felt he had not considered me a romantic possibility because I was fat, and then when I met the woman I saw that she was more than 100 pounds heavier than me.

So that just goes to show that sometimes we think a non-FA guy is not interested in us because of fat, and that's not always the truth.
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Old 07-16-2011, 03:58 PM   #60
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or men in public at dog parks will talk to me, but, watch their body language and they make sure to keep a) a distance and b) their body language screams I'm not with this person - they turn their body and keep more than 3 feet (unless it is a gay man and most of them are quite lovely and very accepting and could care less) between us..
I'm of 2 minds on this topic, and I hope what I want to add is helpful in some way.

I was fat from puberty on (and I mean early puberty). What I know of men and women is all from the perspective of a fat woman. That has, at times, made me see things some men do as 'things men do to fat women' and not just 'things some men do.' [and, of course, this is also a very reductionist view--men and women are not from different species even if it sometimes seems we are!].

I've gotten the guy who stands with a big space cushion between us and brings up a 'girlfriend' within the first 34 seconds of conversation, too. I've gotten to the point where, with some men, it's really laughable. I call it the 'unsolicited rejection'--meaning, I wasn't interested in the guy to begin with, so who is he trying so damned hard to reject?

But I guess the point I want to make is: many guys razz their friends about being with just about any partner. Ever hear one guy call another 'pussy whipped?' They're not saying: 'fat pussy whipped;' just the fact that your guy friend is with a woman is enough to give him a hard time (good natured sometimes, and angry at others). And Ethan Hawke and Brad Pitt (allegedly) cheated on Uma Thurman and Jennifer Aniston, 2 un-fat women who regularly make the 'most beautiful' lists.

I have no doubt that a number of the men you encounter don't find you attractive physically, just as many of the men I meet don't find ME physically attractive. I am absolutely not trying to deny you your feelings, and I hope I'm conveying that, because I've shared your feelings. But I do think it's always helpful, to me at least, to step back and realize I may be throwing out the baby with the fat bathwater... I think men can be squirrely about relationships and interactions with all women, and it may not always be for the reasons we assume it's for. YMMV, of course.
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Old 07-16-2011, 05:12 PM   #61
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I'm fat. I'm partnered (and have been for years). I've always caught the eye of men and women alike. I'm not an anomaly. I'm just Ash - living my life and not really giving much thought to who might, on the off chance find me beautiful. I'm swell all on my own. Several of my closest friends are fat and they are partnered too. These are gorgeous, vibrant women that anyone would be lucky to have on their arm. I also have average size and thin friends who are married or partnered - I don't really think the dating game changes for fat women much.

There are fat, thin and in between women who are all looking to date and get married so I wouldn't assume only FAs find fat women attractive. And further, just because a guy is an FA doesn't mean that he will like you personally as a fat woman. I find that kind of logic sort of caveman-esque like he doesn't have a preference just as long as she's fat, she'll do. Something about that just doesn't quite sit right with me, to be honest.

Purely anecdotal, but I was just at a friend's birthday/bbq last weekend and her mother is an SSBBW. She has been fat all her life and recently lost a little weight from being more active - but she met her husband while she was in college. He was a frat boy and crashed a wedding they both were invited to. He's always been a I don't give a damn what people think kind of guy so he just went for what he knew. Mrs. M rocked his world then and she still is now, 33 years later. They know nothing about this community and probably don't care to know. He is a good looking man and she's a beautiful lady; both inside and out. I don't know if he always dated big women until he met Mrs. M, but I'm sure he didn't know what would rock his world until he met her. Maybe he was just open to it because he was truly ready for it and wanted it? I'm not sure. But what I am sure of is he's never been ashamed of her, lied about her to his family/friends, or led some whole other life. Oh and Mr. M isn't a unicorn.

The same is true for my parents. My Mother wasn't always fat, but put on a significant amount of weight as she got older and is now a midsize bbw; my father could not be more in love with her. They met when she was a size 2 and now she's a 22 and its all good with them both. I think a lot of it has to do with attitude and/or temperament. My father has always been proud of my mother and didn't/doesn't care to try to micromanage her weight so it just never mattered whether she gained or lost. Its not a reflection of him or who he is as a man. He's probably just too concerned with more important things; like taking care and loving on my mother. Spending the second half of their lives enjoying themselves; not obsessing over something that's not going to change.

Anyway, I say all that to say non FAs and FAs are good choices. As long as there's love and respect involved it doesn't matter what one calls him/herself. I just happened to fall in love with an Ash admirer; no label needed.
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Old 07-16-2011, 05:20 PM   #62
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I'm fat. I'm partnered (and have been for years). I've always caught the eye of men and women alike. I'm not an anomaly. I'm just Ash - living my life and not really giving much thought to who might, on the off chance find me beautiful. I'm swell all on my own. Several of my closest friends are fat and they are partnered too. These are gorgeous, vibrant women that anyone would be lucky to have on their arm. I also have average size and thin friends who are married or partnered - I don't really think the dating game changes for fat women much.

There are fat, thin and in between women who are all looking to date and get married so I wouldn't assume only FAs find fat women attractive. And further, just because a guy is an FA doesn't mean that he will like you personally as a fat woman. I find that kind of logic sort of caveman-esque like he doesn't have a preference just as long as she's fat, she'll do. Something about that just doesn't quite sit right with me, to be honest.

Purely anecdotal, but I was just at a friend's birthday/bbq last weekend and her mother is an SSBBW. She has been fat all her life and recently lost a little weight from being more active - but she met her husband while she was in college. He was a frat boy and crashed a wedding they both were invited to. He's always been a I don't give a damn what people think kind of guy so he just went for what he knew. Mrs. M rocked his world then and she still is now, 33 years later. They know nothing about this community and probably don't care to know. He is a good looking man and she's a beautiful lady; both inside and out. I don't know if he always dated big women until he met Mrs. M, but I'm sure he didn't know what would rock his world until he met her. Maybe he was just open to it because he was truly ready for it and wanted it? I'm not sure. But what I am sure of is he's never been ashamed of her, lied about her to his family/friends, or led some whole other life. Oh and Mr. M isn't a unicorn.

The same is true for my parents. My Mother wasn't always fat, but put on a significant amount of weight as she got older and is now a midsize bbw; my father could not be more in love with her. They met when she was a size 2 and now she's a 22 and its all good with them both. I think a lot of it has to do with attitude and/or temperament. My father has always been proud of my mother and didn't/doesn't care to try to micromanage her weight so it just never mattered whether she gained or lost. Its not a reflection of him or who he is as a man. He's probably just too concerned with more important things; like taking care and loving on my mother. Spending the second half of their lives enjoying themselves; not obsessing over something that's not going to change.

Anyway, I say all that to say non FAs and FAs are good choices. As long as there's love and respect involved it doesn't matter what one calls him/herself. I just happened to fall in love with an Ash admirer; no label needed.
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Old 07-16-2011, 05:30 PM   #63
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I'm kind of amazed at how differently we all define the term "FA." That seems to make all the difference in attitude and expectation.
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Old 07-16-2011, 05:42 PM   #64
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I'm kind of amazed at how differently we all define the term "FA." That seems to make all the difference in attitude and expectation.
Seems to be 95% of the problem here.

If no one had a problem using that term, what would this discussion even be about?
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Old 07-16-2011, 05:46 PM   #65
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Seems to be 95% of the problem here.

If no one had a problem using that term, what would this discussion even be about?
you are right. there wouldn't be one. we'd just be talking about SOs and what we wanted. i think is artificial designation that bogs up the works when it comes to whats real and true for pretty much all of us--which is all any of us want, male, female, gay or straight, is someone to be good to us.
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Old 07-16-2011, 06:18 PM   #66
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I'm just gonna bypass all the drama above and say that although I've never been with an FA before (at least not self-identified as one), I'm leaning more towards it. And to be honest, I hated my fat more back then than now. For me, an FA would be someone who would find me physically attractive and be happy that I'm cool with being fat. Basically, to me, an FA would be the guy who lets me say my piece when someone comments on my fatness, and then when it's over, show me that he loves that. Non-FAs, to me, would be the type who'd want me to quiet down, not make a scene, or be the type who goes "you're not fat, you're just big." or something along those lines. Basically, an FA would not be afraid of the word "fat" while others are.

And to me, a guy who's not afraid of the truth is a lot more appealing.

As for male friends who were bugged about "are you guys an item?"... I feel kinda sorry for those who had those close male friends who would run. My male friends would always just say no, say who they are dating (if they even were dating anyone), and that was the end of that. Some people thought this one guy I always hung out with was my boyfriend in high school, and they didn't act mean about it. In fact, they were shocked when he was spotted making out with his real girlfriend in front of me. They'd come ask me if I was okay and taking it well. I'd always have to explain that every guy has been just a friend. Though I now know, years later, that some of my male friends were attracted to me, but intimidated by my "out there" personality.

Anyway... I don't refuse to date non-FAs, but at this point, I would prefer to date an FA. It just hasn't happened yet.
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Old 07-16-2011, 06:30 PM   #67
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Seems to be 95% of the problem here.

If no one had a problem using that term, what would this discussion even be about?
There wouldn't be a discussion. Fatness and attraction to fatness it seems is some mysterious force that needs to be dissected, examined, translated, codified, writ down and taught like it's some kind of knowledge that only the sworn sisters of the master's tower can be privy to. It's kind of funny actually. I wish it were simpler.
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Old 07-16-2011, 07:55 PM   #68
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I'm going to post...and possibly risk offending some. Sorry in advance.

I've only dated FA's and was nearly engaged to my first. While a lot of positives have come from the relationships I have learned one thing...The FAs I have dated and many I have met are nice guys but very, very focused on my weight. The fact that I am a person and likable as such comes second to my fat. I don't like that feeling. I am not saying it is bad or even wrong. I am also not saying that I will not date FAs in the future. I am saying that I won't settle for only being admired for having fat in the right places. I want to be liked for me (imperfections, insecurities, quirks, and all) first and foremost.

**Disclaimer: This post is based only on my personal experiences.
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Old 07-16-2011, 08:14 PM   #69
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Anyway... I don't refuse to date non-FAs, but at this point, I would prefer to date an FA. It just hasn't happened yet.
A good-natured question: why would you prefer it, if you have no experience with it? Meaning...what does the picture in your mind look like when you think about being with an FA? Do you think you can know if it's accurate if you haven't had that experience yet? More to the point, is an FA a unique profile that will act in a specific way all the time?
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Old 07-16-2011, 09:28 PM   #70
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I think I would prefer it because I haven't experienced it. Granted not all FAs are the same, but I'm picky and I know the type of guy overall that I'm looking for. If the initial attraction is physical, then that works for me. I'd like to have it be that, but without it being an obsession. Everyone I've been with has liked me for my personality mainly (and I'd say pretty much only, or at least for what caused the attraction) but I would like someone to find me physically attractive from the get go. I want someone to feel like I'm an awesome piece of arm candy, as well as an awesome person overall. And since non-FAs haven't felt that way, I'd like to try and see if maybe I can find that in an FA.
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Old 07-16-2011, 09:56 PM   #71
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It comes down to this

NO ONE SHOULD FEEL THEY ARE SETTLING! not in love it leads to so many bad things

Fat Tall Skinny Short Blonde Brunette Red Black Brown or White

We all deserve to love and be loved as a whole and complete package

Does it truly matter if that person Identifies as an FA?

I dont think it does, as long as the person in question "Happens to have a high regaurd for your wobbly bits" (yes that is from bridget jones edge of reason) and find you sexy and desirable as well as infinately lovable I dont see this as an issue.

If they happen to be an out and proud FA that is fantastic to as long as an FA it isnt just about your size or the focus isnt just on that one thing

My experiences in the last year and a half have shown me I want a man who sees more than just my size who loves me wholey completely and unconditionally for who I am

Does he have to be an fa? No

Does he have to find me sexy and attractive? HELL YES

I think it comes down to what we find fa or not and honestly It is refreshing because a non fa doesnt ask what you weigh or how big this or that is and to be honest those conversations bore the crap out of me.

I mean would you fight an attraction to someone who was equally as magnetically pulled to you over something like the fact they are not an fa? that just seems silly to me for some reason

there is no right or wrong here it is what is right or wrong for each indavidual

love is at time a tricky and precarious journey why cut off someone for not quite fitting into the catagry you want them in?
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Old 07-17-2011, 07:29 AM   #72
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I'm going to post...and possibly risk offending some. Sorry in advance.

I've only dated FA's and was nearly engaged to my first. While a lot of positives have come from the relationships I have learned one thing...The FAs I have dated and many I have met are nice guys but very, very focused on my weight. The fact that I am a person and likable as such comes second to my fat. I don't like that feeling. I am not saying it is bad or even wrong. I am also not saying that I will not date FAs in the future. I am saying that I won't settle for only being admired for having fat in the right places. I want to be liked for me (imperfections, insecurities, quirks, and all) first and foremost.

**Disclaimer: This post is based only on my personal experiences.
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Old 07-17-2011, 07:31 AM   #73
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There wouldn't be a discussion. Fatness and attraction to fatness it seems is some mysterious force that needs to be dissected, examined, translated, codified, writ down and taught like it's some kind of knowledge that only the sworn sisters of the master's tower can be privy to. It's kind of funny actually. I wish it were simpler.
so do i. i'm beginning to wonder if the labels and all of the assumptions floating around on both sides aren't overall much more damaging to BBWs and FAs than the simple individual reality of the thing.
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Old 07-17-2011, 07:45 AM   #74
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question:

so what happens when fat women meet this magical guy called an FA who is supposed to make them feel secure because they are going to accept them when they are fat but they still aren't the type of fat woman he is attracted to? she's not a pear an hourglass or an apple or something, maybe her legs aren't fat enough or her face is too fat, maybe she's not a blonde brunette or redhead not a submissive or a dom, doesn't like wearing heels --on and on etc...etc...etc...?

and what if, heaven help you, you just aren't attracted to him?
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Old 07-17-2011, 08:31 AM   #75
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I'd move on to find a better guy.

Gawd forbid a fat woman have the nerve to leave a man.
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