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Old 07-14-2011, 10:53 PM   #1
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Default How to tell my girlfriend about me being a FA?

I'm 19, fairly new to this site. Anyway, my girlfriend 19 and I have been dating for 7 months. She is by no means a BBW and is 5'5 about 130 lbs. I find larger women attractive as well as skinny women. However, I enjoy a girl who is a "gainer". So my question is how do I tell my girlfriend about this? She may be open to the suggestion of gaining weight and have me become her feeder if I bring it up. I'm not attempting to force her into anything, but if we could share this I would feel much closer to her. She has her own fetishes and we've discussed them, but I have no idea about how to tell her about mine. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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Old 07-14-2011, 11:07 PM   #2
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Default Try this.

If you fear losing her by telling her what's up, don't do it. However, if you just want to be open about who you are about being an FA, then be prepared for any type of reaction.

Try www.askmen.com about just about any other dating advice.


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Old 07-15-2011, 01:39 AM   #3
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It VERY much depends on how she feels about her body, but my advice? Don't do it. If you enjoy the physical attributes of thinner women as well as larger women, then you've already got someone in your life that you are attracted to. From what I've seen, unless you met her already open about what body types you like, this is very sticky area to tread upon and you could potentially wind up hurting her a great deal.
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Old 07-15-2011, 07:31 AM   #4
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Looking at it from her point of view, being told such an odd-seeming thing, I think I’d have a lot of questions like “What exactly is it you like?” “Why do you like it?” “What does this mean for us?” and “What do you expect from me?” At a very minimum, I’d spend some time thinking through those questions before you talk with her about it.

But, in all honesty, I wonder if you have any reason to think she’d want to get fatter? Something that a lot of FA assume (without really thinking about it) is that women keep their weight down to appeal to guys. At least, I think that was sort of what I assumed when I was your age. But really there are also so many other reasons (social acceptance, feedback from friends and family, being able to do activities they like doing, clothes….the list goes on). So even if she were totally accept that you are an FA, that doesn’t mean that she’d want to get any bigger. So telling her could create a new tension between you.

On the other hand….not telling her won’t stop your feelings. I’ve talked with a lot of FA, of various ages, over the years, and one constant does seem to be that the feelings don’t go away. There are guys out there who have been married for twenty years, who are still hoping that their wife will finally gain some weight. So you have decide if you can live with this side of yourself suppressed in the long term.

Finally, if you do tell her, I might not drop the whole FA/Feeder idea on her, at least not all at once. Perhaps spend some time making it clear that you aren’t interested in skinny model types, that you like curves on women, that you appreciate a woman enjoying her appetites. Then when it feels natural enough, or she asks, say that you don’t think fat is automatically unattractive, that if she gained some you’d probably just enjoy the more generous curves, and gauge her response. If she is totally cold to that, well, you know, and can decide if you can live with that. If she is intrigued, then you can decide how much more open you want to be.

Good luck finding your best solution to this difficult issue. There is no one size fits all answer, and sometimes there really isn’t a good answer at all.
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Old 07-15-2011, 01:02 PM   #5
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When she discussed her fetishes with you, how did she start the conversation? The guy who introduced me to what this is all about did it very subtly. We were at a sushi place and all he did was say "you can finish that if you want, I am in no hurry." I was full so I didn't. But then we hung out more. He kept complimenting me and telling me I had a very nice body. (To which, at the time, I rolled my eyes at). But then he asked "so.. have you ever thought about gaining weight?" I, of course, said no. But then slowly he opened my eyes and I just felt more accepted.

So thinking about your question.. I think about my own fetishes and what I like (aside from food/gaining stuff). When in a relationship, I have never just jumped in there and said HEY! This is what I like!! I start out small... like "oo did you see that rope? I like the way it feels..." or "Handcuffs? kinky! don't you think?" After a little while of making subtle hints and getting a feel for how they feel about it, then I decide whether to open up to them about my fetish or not.

The neat things about fetishes is.. we do not have to ever share them unless we want to! Now if you had plans of making her gain, you would definitely have to tell her bc doing that behind someone's back is wrong, wrong, wrong. But again, if you never have plans to act on it without consent, why tell her if you do not feel comfortable or if you think she won't be accepting.

I hope this helps!
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Old 07-15-2011, 05:55 PM   #6
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You are walking a very dangerous and emotionally charged tightrope with this one, especially since she is fairly small. You're sort of telling her you're not really attracted to her as much as you could be, which kinda sucks.

Has she given you any indication that she might be interested in anything like feeding/weight gain ? If so she may be receptive if you approach it gently. If she is very size conscious or used to very strict food control however, you are most likely going to just open up a lot of hurt for both of you.

You need to do some self examination and decide if you have to have a fat partner to be happy in a relationship or not. Basically, decide if size is a dealbreaker for you or not. If it is, its probably best if this relationship ends so you can carry on with one more suited to your needs and one that will not make your girlfriend feel like she is less than your ideal woman.
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Old 07-16-2011, 01:18 PM   #7
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My relationship with my girlfriend has really been around the pillar of honesty. We both know that we have been completely honest with each other about everything. When we got on to the topic of fetishes I just said I liked really really curvy women but emphasised that I loved her body just as much as I would love someone bigger. I didn't want her to think that we couldn't be together if she didn't get fat. We pretty much just left it at that. Then a few weeks later out of the blue she just told me she was going to start gaining.

Just make her feel comfortable about who she already is. Ultimately it would be her choice whether she wanted to gain or not. Your love for her should be unconditional.
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Old 07-17-2011, 08:24 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Gizmo0o View Post
I'm 19, fairly new to this site. Anyway, my girlfriend 19 and I have been dating for 7 months. She is by no means a BBW and is 5'5 about 130 lbs. I find larger women attractive as well as skinny women. However, I enjoy a girl who is a "gainer". So my question is how do I tell my girlfriend about this? She may be open to the suggestion of gaining weight and have me become her feeder if I bring it up. I'm not attempting to force her into anything, but if we could share this I would feel much closer to her. She has her own fetishes and we've discussed them, but I have no idea about how to tell her about mine. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Is she worth keeping if she never gains a single pound? Are you two both compatible enough where the "gainer" aspect never has to be brought up to enjoy yourselves? Is your family and friends supportive of your relationship and if so, why change anything? These are the questions you should be asking yourself.

Now this is from my fiancee's own words who's lived this life that your g/f couldn't possibly imagine at 130 pounds.

"She's gonna have to deal with the emotional aspect of feeling not accepted by you the way she is now. She's gonna think she doesn't attract you. She's going to feel like she's not doing her job as a girlfriend and that you want something more than she's capable of giving. This all guaranteed to be running through her mind when you tell her. She may say she's into it which you may feel lucky to hear, but is she really? Is she REALLY ok being made fun of at school or at work? Is she really ok around her non accepting friends and family of her being fat in general and gaining weight. Today's society says if you're fat you're unhealthy and is she ready to be apart of such a small community of people and be different than normal society? Is she ready to spend her entire paycheck (and yours most likely) on new clothes when she outgrows her current ones. Keep in mind larger sizes are not cheap and harder to find the bigger you are. Also keep in mind the comfort level of seats gets limited especially in movie theaters and restaurants. I don't think this is a good idea and you should wait until you're both mature enough to make this kind of decision."

Now that's a statement by someone who's been there and done that. It may be fun sexually in a bedroom for a few hours....but she's got to deal with the outside world in ways you'll never understand yourself.

I say go for it for the sole purpose that you may fuck up. The only way to become a better person is to learn from your mistakes which I'm sure everyone can attest to. Its better to make them when you're a teenager than when you're a mature adult and cannot recover from it.
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Old 07-18-2011, 07:55 PM   #9
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I'm a female FA and a weight gain fetishist/feeder, so I'm not trying to say this to be hard on you, I'm just trying to prevent you from making a huge mistake if you really like this girl. Don't tell her. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't! I am assuming she has never said anything to imply she wants to gain weight and that you did not meet her here on the Weight Board or at Fantasy Feeder(or some other comparable site), so don't do it if you want the relationship to last. Very few people want to gain weight, very few and most who do, probably find their way to the appropriate communities in this age of the internet. Just reverse it a minute, if she came to you and told you she'd like you to gain weight (assuming you're thin and not a gainer yourself) how would you feel? Maybe you'd feel that you are not as attractive to her as you thought you were? Once the weight gain/"I'm an FA you're but not fat" genie is out of the bottle, it can never go back. Your relationship will never be the same and she will either feel really insecure from now on, or she'll dump you. It isn't comparable to talk about her discussing her fantasies if they don't involve you making major changes to your body that you'll have to live with day in and day out outside the bedroom. It's not the same thing. If you feel you need a feeder/feedee relationship to be happy, you should find a woman who has made it clear that's what she wants and STILL don't tell this woman that's why you left or you'll mess her up for a really long time. Again, I truly am saying this to you because I want you to understand what you'd be getting into by telling her, I'm not trying to be mean.
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Old 07-19-2011, 03:42 AM   #10
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If you're a feeder then date a feedee, end of story.
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Old 07-26-2011, 04:42 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by Gizmo0o View Post
I'm 19, fairly new to this site. Anyway, my girlfriend 19 and I have been dating for 7 months. She is by no means a BBW and is 5'5 about 130 lbs. I find larger women attractive as well as skinny women. However, I enjoy a girl who is a "gainer". So my question is how do I tell my girlfriend about this? She may be open to the suggestion of gaining weight and have me become her feeder if I bring it up. I'm not attempting to force her into anything, but if we could share this I would feel much closer to her. She has her own fetishes and we've discussed them, but I have no idea about how to tell her about mine. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
I think Teecher and BitsySpider have a good point, you don't want to ruin anything, but what I've found with my gf is that if she really loves you and if you handle it right, she'll do her best to be ok with it (Whether she does the gaining thing or not, its better to be open with her so she knows Everything there is to know about you)

If you want to tell her, as old as it gets, I've found the best advice really is "ease her into it". I suggest revealing little-by-little really is the best way, thats what happened with me and my gf. Let her know first that you kinda like big girls, then go on to the gaining part.

My relationship is like bigbellyboi92's relationship, 'been around the pillar of honesty'. I told my gf right at the start that I'm attracted to big girls, and shortly after told her about some other stuff. I'm not saying its been easy, theres been some bad times when she found something, got upset and I told her my other fetish. It kinda freaks me out that after almost 11months, me with the fetishes I have (one is a bit extreme), have nothing else left to reveal to my amazing gf (and most of it I've never told another girl about). She know all the weird things I like.

I think the fact you've been discussing her fetishes is important, to me that means she is more open than someone who doesn't really have fetishes. And as you said, you two haven't really talked about YOUR fetishes.
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Old 07-26-2011, 06:30 PM   #12
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There has been a lot of good advice given so far and I hope it has been hopeful. You said you're attracted to girls ranging from thin to fat. I am much the same. As others have said you have to address how attracted to her you are now versus how attracted you would be if she gained. What do you really want? It is important that she has shared her fetishes with you. Or at least some of them. Gauge how "odd" they may seem to the average populace relative to your own. Think of how difficult it was for her to open up and how awkward she felt. If she opened up to tell you her deepest desires she obviously trusts you and cares for you. But did those desires press any change upon you? You definitely need to think about how she feels about her body now. Is she confident and happy in her own skin? Ambivalent to the rise or dip of the scale by a few pounds? Truly concerned about sizes and numbers, feeling it determines how attractive she is? If she has weight issues right now you could make them worse by telling her. You likely know who she is pretty well by now if she's been so honest about her preferences. Use that knowledge to gauge her feelings about herself.
If you decide that her gaining is very important to you and the growth of your relationship then you will have to be honest with her or leave her. If you think telling her would be disastrous to her self-image and mess with her confidence regarding her body DO NOT SAY A WORD. If you think that she's a confident girl and is into kink then maybe she'd consider it.
If you decide to tell her be incremental. If she points out some celebrity or one of her friends has gained weight say you think it suits them (if it does). Honestly let her know that you find beauty in girls of all shapes and sizes. Let her know you care for her and are attracted to her at ANY size (and it would be a hell of a lot better for you to mean this). People tend to put on weight around the holidays. If she does let her know you like it. Maybe play around with food in the bedroom in a way that isn't intended to lead to gaining and gauge her response. Who doesn't like champagne with strawberries & cream? You would likely enjoy the feeding aspect but the sensuality of that experience isn't something taboo or uncommon at all. Just remember to truly consider her feelings and who she is as a person.
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Old 07-30-2011, 11:53 PM   #13
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It really depends on your motivation, here. The first thing in her mind will probably be, "there's got to be a reason he's telling me this...".

Speaking from personal experience, I've had many (thin) girls that I've dated take it completely fine, but some start to obsess over it and worry relentlessly. Even though I worded it as carefully as possible.

Your best bet is to make it clear that, though you do find fat attractive, you're just trying to be open, and that you're not saying it just to try and get her to gain weight or anything. (Well, presumably. Don't lie if that isn't the case, of course.) Some girls (particularly ones with 'odd' fetishes themselves, IME) are open to related roleplay that doesn't actually require any weight gain but helps scratch that itch a bit. But, again, there's really no way to guarantee how it'll turn out.

Whatever your decision is, best of luck!

P.S. FWIW, most people tend to regret not doing something over trying something and having it not work out. However, it's really on you to decide if the honesty is worth the potential risks; nobody here can make that call for you.
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Old 08-01-2011, 03:14 PM   #14
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Old 08-08-2011, 09:13 AM   #15
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If you fear losing her by telling her what's up, don't do it.
that's crap.
there should be no reason why any couple should be dishonest in a relationship.
hiding any truth is a form of dishonesty.

OP, if being an FA is such a major part of you (and seeing as you're on Dimensions forum, i'm sure it is), you should tell your girlfriend about it.
keeping it a secret is doing a disservice to her, and to yourself.

be honest with her. if she doesn't like the fact that you are an FA is a major part of who you are, that's her problem.
and if she does like it? well, that'd be pretty cool, right?
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Old 08-08-2011, 09:38 AM   #16
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Why is there such a desire to change our partners? I'm assuming that's what's going on here with these dilemmas; we're not bringing the info up to do NOTHING with it. We're bringing it up to attempt to make a change of some kind, usually the physical kind.

What is the point of me telling my non-black bf: You know, I usually go for black guys. In fact, I really prefer black guys. I like you, but I feel that having a good relationship and feeling sexually attracted to a black guy is an important part of my personality. So what are you gonna do about it?

How does that do ANYTHING but put distance between me and my partner? It's not constructive. And, clearly, if it were THAT important to me, I wouldn't be dating someone non-black. I'm sorry to say, but this almost sounds like a way of picking a partner with the eventual intent of having an upper hand: I like you, and I could like you more, but not unless you do this, this and this (all things the partner wasn't doing before getting together with you).

Smile, you wrote: be honest with her. if she doesn't like the fact that you are an FA is a major part of who you are, that's her problem.

It's NOT her problem intrinsically or initially but it will quickly BECOME her problem when it's unloaded on her. Why is it her responsibility to be something other than what, and who, she is? Does my boyfriend need to somehow become black to gain or deserve my love and sexual attraction or deep compatibility?

This is what I believe: either date the person you want from the get-go, or gently break up with the person you don't want without going into too many hurtful details. But to pick something in between--to introduce something completely new to a relationship and then place the onus on making it happen on your partner--is not constructive to me.

I'm not about to tell my boyfriend that I'm a lesbian, and so for this relationship to work, he needs to remove his penis and start going by the name MaryAnne. Being asked to change your body, or your belief system, and be something you're not most likely means that the relationship should never have started or should be terminated. It doesn't mean it's the other person's 'problem' that you're not getting your way.
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Old 08-08-2011, 09:44 AM   #17
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okay, so in re-reading the first post, i see the OP is not just an FA, but a feeder.
i still think that's something that the OP should bring up. not in the form of an ultimatum or request, but more like "hey, there's this thing about me you should probably know."
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Old 08-08-2011, 09:57 AM   #18
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okay, so in re-reading the first post, i see the OP is not just an FA, but a feeder.
i still think that's something that the OP should bring up. not in the form of an ultimatum or request, but more like "hey, there's this thing about me you should probably know."
May I respectfully ask you why? I'm not concerned about feeder v. FA. It's all the same to me in terms of this specific example. But I really would like to better understand your point of view.

Are we sharing this info with our partners just to share it? 'Hey, honey, I like action movies.' If nothing ever happened after the revelation, other than, perhaps, some hurt or confusion on your partner's part, would that be enough? How do you see the conversation, and ensuing conversations, going?

Is it possible that, in my example, telling my boyfriend I'd really prefer if he were black, or a woman (extreme examples, yes, but about someone's physicality), is just a way for me to put the burden of change on him and then, if it's a no, make me feel better about breaking up with him? I'm not saying this is necessarily what's going on, but it does have a 'last chance' feel about it--hey, I like you, and if you can change something major to please me, I'll keep you! If not, it's your problem, and I am justified in dumping you!

It seems unkind and perhaps immature to put the responsibility on your partner, is what I'm saying. But if you have another way of looking at it, I'd like to know because I just don't understand right now.
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Old 08-08-2011, 10:03 AM   #19
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@Jes

i believe the OP when he says he is attracted to BBWs and thin women as well.
and i believe (or, at the very least, am hoping) that though the OP digs gaining, and it's not his main drive in life.
the OP seems to be distressed about keeping his secret to himself (otherwise he wouldn't have started this thread). so with that said, i think he has nothing to lose by being honest and saying "hey, there's this thing about me. i have this kink that i like a lot. you don't have to do it if you don't like it, but i wanted to get it off my chest. i love you either way."

as they say, the truth will set you free.
i don't say this as fact. it's just what i believe.

argue with it if you want, i don't care.
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Old 08-08-2011, 10:16 AM   #20
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@Jes

i believe the OP when he says he is attracted to BBWs and thin women as well.
and i believe (or, at the very least, am hoping) that though the OP digs gaining, and it's not his main drive in life.
the OP seems to be distressed about keeping his secret to himself (otherwise he wouldn't have started this thread). so with that said, i think he has nothing to lose by being honest and saying "hey, there's this thing about me. i have this kink that i like a lot. you don't have to do it if you don't like it, but i wanted to get it off my chest. i love you either way."

as they say, the truth will set you free.
i don't say this as fact. it's just what i believe.

argue with it if you want, i don't care.
Ok, so what I understand you to be saying is that it can just be a sexual kink, in the bedroom, like anything else. Like...maybe he'd like his partner to do a little fat talk or have sex after eating dessert, and that would be enough. Just like she might want to tie him up and for him to talk about how little and weak he is and how much bigger and stronger she is (or something else in which he pretends to be a different physical shape than he is), or something like that. Is that what you're getting at?

I think the above doesn't work in cases of wanting a fat partner or someone who will gain weight intentionally or anything other than a kink played out sometimes in the bedroom. Taking a kink out of the bedroom makes it a lifestyle thing and that's a whole other and, I think, bigger thing. But yes, if it's just a 'let's pretend to look different physically' fantasy in the bedroom, I think it would work between partners who are comfortable with themselves and with one another.

But I'm talking about a very limited, play-time, approach and not what the OP seems be talking about. He wants to share something with his partner b/c he'd feel closer to her, but again, that's putting the burden of sharing it on her, and that's a difficult thing for any 2 people.

And I'm not sure why you're anticipating me arguing with you; we're just having a discussion.
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Old 08-08-2011, 10:18 AM   #21
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Ok, so what I understand you to be saying is that it can just be a sexual kink, in the bedroom, like anything else. Like...maybe he'd like his partner to do a little fat talk or have sex after eating dessert, and that would be enough. Just like she might want to tie him up and for him to talk about how little and weak he is and how much bigger and stronger she is (or something else in which he pretends to be a different physical shape than he is), or something like that. Is that what you're getting at?
more or less. or, you know, whatever works for them. the kink doesn't have to be 100% about actual feeding, basically.

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And I'm not sure why you're anticipating me arguing with you; we're just having a discussion.
your first post came off as a little argumentative, but with this post, i now get where you're coming from.

good talk. in the words of Homer Simpson, "let us celebrate our arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk."
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Old 08-08-2011, 12:20 PM   #22
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that's crap.
there should be no reason why any couple should be dishonest in a relationship.
hiding any truth is a form of dishonesty.

OP, if being an FA is such a major part of you (and seeing as you're on Dimensions forum, i'm sure it is), you should tell your girlfriend about it.
keeping it a secret is doing a disservice to her, and to yourself.

be honest with her. if she doesn't like the fact that you are an FA is a major part of who you are, that's her problem.
and if she does like it? well, that'd be pretty cool, right?
Hiding any truth is a form of dishonesty is way too hardline. One personal LMFT and several online therapists say that telling your partner everything isn't necessary. There are things that can be left unsaid and being tactful goes a long way in a relationship. Does your partner NEED to know that you think the cake they made for your birthday was dry and the frosting was bland? Do you REALLY want to hear that your sexual equipment isn't as large/small/tight/smooth/whatever as your partner would like would or as large/small/tight/smooth/whatever as their last partner? Do you ABSOLUTELY have to tell your partner that you think their handwriting looks like it was done by a 5 year old using their opposite hand?

Also, saying if the GF doesn't like the fact that the OP is an FA it is HER problem is not fair. If one person in a relationship has a problem with what the other is doing, they both have a problem.
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Old 08-25-2011, 08:35 PM   #23
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If you're a feeder then date a feedee, end of story.
If only life were that simple...
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Old 08-25-2011, 08:47 PM   #24
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Why is there such a desire to change our partners? I'm assuming that's what's going on here with these dilemmas; we're not bringing the info up to do NOTHING with it. We're bringing it up to attempt to make a change of some kind, usually the physical kind.

What is the point of me telling my non-black bf: You know, I usually go for black guys. In fact, I really prefer black guys. I like you, but I feel that having a good relationship and feeling sexually attracted to a black guy is an important part of my personality. So what are you gonna do about it?

How does that do ANYTHING but put distance between me and my partner? It's not constructive. And, clearly, if it were THAT important to me, I wouldn't be dating someone non-black. I'm sorry to say, but this almost sounds like a way of picking a partner with the eventual intent of having an upper hand: I like you, and I could like you more, but not unless you do this, this and this (all things the partner wasn't doing before getting together with you).

Smile, you wrote: be honest with her. if she doesn't like the fact that you are an FA is a major part of who you are, that's her problem.

It's NOT her problem intrinsically or initially but it will quickly BECOME her problem when it's unloaded on her. Why is it her responsibility to be something other than what, and who, she is? Does my boyfriend need to somehow become black to gain or deserve my love and sexual attraction or deep compatibility?

This is what I believe: either date the person you want from the get-go, or gently break up with the person you don't want without going into too many hurtful details. But to pick something in between--to introduce something completely new to a relationship and then place the onus on making it happen on your partner--is not constructive to me.

I'm not about to tell my boyfriend that I'm a lesbian, and so for this relationship to work, he needs to remove his penis and start going by the name MaryAnne. Being asked to change your body, or your belief system, and be something you're not most likely means that the relationship should never have started or should be terminated. It doesn't mean it's the other person's 'problem' that you're not getting your way.
I agree with everything you've said here. But why is it different from disclosing that you like short hair instead of long hair? Or brown eyes instead of blue? By proposing burying this secret even more, are you not guilty of shaming this preference even further?

By putting it on the table for our partners to see, might we not just chance the reward of acceptance?
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Old 08-25-2011, 09:39 PM   #25
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OP is 19...hard to know how hard-wired a preference/kink/inclination we're talking about (maybe).

I will say this: if you are with someone for a long time, chances are good (not 100%--and that's a whole thing there, but still--good) she's gonna know this about you anyhow.
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