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Old 09-25-2011, 04:41 PM   #26
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Old 09-27-2011, 01:08 AM   #27
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Originally Posted by SerenityValkyrie View Post
As a Freshman in college, I started dating this Japanese guy and we both decided to have sex for the first time. We were both our first time partners so it was pretty special until...when he stuck it in I couldn't feel anything, then I asked, "Are you in?" He replies, "He's not fully erected, I'm trying to wake him up." He still stuck it in even though it wasn't fully erected and the whole time I was laughing. I could not believe my first time would turn out like that

Haha, that doesn't help the old stereotypes about Asian men.

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Old 09-27-2011, 12:01 PM   #28
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Haha, that doesn't help the old stereotypes about Asian men.
Lol that is very true...either way
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Old 09-27-2011, 07:23 PM   #29
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Okay, first off go get a hat.. because you are going to want to hold on to it...

A few years ago I went out with some friends and after a few drinks we meet some nice young ladies, a few more drinks and this one girl and I were getting along swimmingly, a few more drinks and we decide she and I should adjourn for the evening. She invited me back to her place, to which I quickly accepted... We left the bar at about 1:30ish (I think) and we were hammered...We were all over each other in the cab,... I had her nearly undressed in the elevator up to her place... All and all a good time..

Drunk-wise I was just at that point were there is that little voice in your head that says "Just an FYI, we may not be okay soon"... I did my best to ignore the difficulties I was having as we stumbled, nearly naked back to her bedroom... Were doing drunk quiet, which means we were loud as hell, but didn't want to wake up her roommate... Final we make it to bed and what not.. everything is going fine.. She tells me to get a condom from the bedside table drawer.. great, I'm a big fan of the condom, no problem there.. I get that on, not easy drunk, and she says "I get dry sometimes, use some lube"... fine, no big deal... I grab some lube and we go at it.. I'm on top of her ...

And that quiet voice from earlier pipes up again and says "Somethings not right..." I tell that voice to shut up but then I smell something odd and I have to agree with the voice... something was wrong.. Its this weird chemical smell, I know I've smelled it before but I can place it.. what is it??? Then I catch a whiff of my hand and realize its the source of the offending odder.. I'm trying to figure out what the fuck is going on when finally the little voice in my head said, "Its Icy Hot jackass"...

At about this time, I'm guessing she figured out my error as the chemicals in the Icy Hot started to do their thing.. Suddenly it was like I was laying on top of one pissed off badgers... She clawed her way out from under me and started screaming... Not really words, just screaming.. I said, "I think I used Icy Hot..." but before I could finish she went running naked to the bathroom, screaming the whole way... I started after her but before I got more than a few feet I learned Icy Hot eats right through condoms and was now doing its thing on my junk... My penis looked like a giant neon red ...well penis.. but it was bright fucking red and pulsing with pain...

Doubled over in pain I began to run to the bathroom, still naked... I managed to time it perfectly because as i was limping toward the bathroom the girl's roommate stepped out into the hall way... Saw me and my clown nose dick, yipped, and slammed her door shut... I managed to yell "Please don't call the police" as I limped by...

In the bathroom the girl was in the shower with the shower head basically shoved into her pussy. I was doing my best to wash my dick off in the sink..It hurt so bad, I can't imagine how she felt..

Finaly, the pain began to subside... but she began to panic that she needed to go to the hospital but didn't want too, which I totally understood.. So we came up with calling poison control first before rushing off to the ER and a life time of shame... I called poison control.. The lady who answered sound like a truck stop waitress.. She says, "Well, what happened?" I try to explain it as best I can and she ask,

"What did you put in her?"
I respond, "Icy Hot... and I didn't "put" in her it was an accident"

"Whatever, she'll be fine. It happens all the time."
"Really, she'll be fine?..."

"I said it happens all the time... She'll be fine. If it still hurts in a day go see a doctor."

We didn't see each other again but we both learned an important lesson about keeping icey hot away from lube...
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Old 09-27-2011, 08:44 PM   #30
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I've so been there with the Icy Hot, accidentally got some on my balls, won't soon forget.
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Old 09-28-2011, 04:00 AM   #31
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I've rode to crimson river before. I love it. My ex seemed to be more fiesty then. The only problem was the mess... Yeah no fun.
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Old 10-04-2011, 07:02 PM   #32
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I've rode to crimson river before. I love it. My ex seemed to be more fiesty then. The only problem was the mess... Yeah no fun.
That's why you put a towel down first (or maybe a tarp ) and then shower together afterwards
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Old 10-05-2011, 01:24 PM   #33
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I've rode to crimson river before. I love it. My ex seemed to be more fiesty then. The only problem was the mess... Yeah no fun.
My fiance calls it "earning your red wings" which I do all the time. I don't care if I get messy, its worth it :-)
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Old 10-05-2011, 06:14 PM   #34
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I think we had an oooold thread about this long ago-ish, but mine's simple.

Me and a previous lover found out that a couch in her house had armrests that were PERFECT for her to bend over and everything lined up for effortless doggy-style action. HOWEVER in the middle of this her dog (a loveable pit bull who passed away over a year ago, R.I.P.) moseys on in and proceeds to stick is cold wet nose right up on my buttcheeks. I nearly jumped out of the poor girl, but I somehow managed to shoo the dog away from my hiney and finish the job.
oh my gosh, that is so funny! that just made me laugh!
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Old 10-08-2011, 09:50 PM   #35
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I think we had an oooold thread about this long ago-ish, but mine's simple.

Me and a previous lover found out that a couch in her house had armrests that were PERFECT for her to bend over and everything lined up for effortless doggy-style action. HOWEVER in the middle of this her dog (a loveable pit bull who passed away over a year ago, R.I.P.) moseys on in and proceeds to stick is cold wet nose right up on my buttcheeks. I nearly jumped out of the poor girl, but I somehow managed to shoo the dog away from my hiney and finish the job.
I had this happen with an old boxer of mine. He come up from behind to see what was going on and I felt a cold wet nose in the old taint. Man I about come unglued. It would probably have been funny to see though. I never broke stride, but had myself twisted around and pushing him off the bed with one hand while balancing myself on the other so as not to stop.

Ever since, doors get closed during the deed and our dogs may return and join us afterwards.
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Old 10-09-2011, 11:58 PM   #36
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My bf said the following tonight right at the moment our making out was beginning to reach a fever pitch:

"I'm okay, but I just threw up in my mouth a little bit."

Yeah, that basically killed the mood (but just for a moment...we picked it up again a little bit of water and a breathmint later)

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Old 10-10-2011, 04:15 AM   #37
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LOL! That would definitely break the mood! The weirdest thing for me was a having dudes dog staring at us. And it was a big one too. Climbed onto the end of the bed and just stared. I was like OMW how creepy is your dog! ahahahahaha!
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Old 10-10-2011, 05:28 AM   #38
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Farts. Absolute moment breakers.
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Old 10-10-2011, 06:21 AM   #39
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That's why you put a towel down first (or maybe a tarp ) and then shower together afterwards
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My fiance calls it "earning your red wings" which I do all the time. I don't care if I get messy, its worth it :-)
I didn't mind the mess, it was the clean up. I, like a moron, shook my dick right after we finished so there was like murder scene blood splats all over. && I've heard about the red wings lol!!!
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Old 10-10-2011, 09:15 AM   #40
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Wow , I started thinking of moment breakers trying to come up with a specific one and came up with a list instead

child needs attention of some sort
someone comes home early
someone comes over unexpectedly
phone ringing
pet at the bedroom door
accidently inflicting pain
coughing fit
hair stuck in throat


Its a wonder we ever get anything done
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Old 10-10-2011, 02:42 PM   #41
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Um... I accidentally kicked my husband in the face last night. But we got past it.
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Old 10-10-2011, 04:14 PM   #42
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The next door neighbor's three-year-old was a screamer and you could hear her indoors or out all over the neighborhood and no, there wasn't anything wrong with her.

The family was from South America and didn't know a lick of English (and I knew very little Spanish) and they were mystified by our frustration. They used to practically live in our shared alley which was more like a narrow street it was so wide (if that makes any sense)--they would be outside 24/7, except in the winter, and the kid just liked to shriek. Cops were so sick of the complaints from everyone in the neighborhood that they just stopped showing up.

It's not something you can ever get used to so it wrecked summer sexy time ALL the time. And no, shutting windows didn't help. Nothing did. I don't think that kid ever slept, either. LOL
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Old 10-11-2011, 08:04 AM   #43
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The next door neighbor's three-year-old was a screamer and you could hear her indoors or out all over the neighborhood and no, there wasn't anything wrong with her.

The family was from South America and didn't know a lick of English (and I knew very little Spanish) and they were mystified by our frustration. They used to practically live in our shared alley which was more like a narrow street it was so wide (if that makes any sense)--they would be outside 24/7, except in the winter, and the kid just liked to shriek. Cops were so sick of the complaints from everyone in the neighborhood that they just stopped showing up.

It's not something you can ever get used to so it wrecked summer sexy time ALL the time. And no, shutting windows didn't help. Nothing did. I don't think that kid ever slept, either. LOL

Wow, that sucks. You should just blast some sexy time music.

And maybe open the windows so they can hear it, lol.

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Old 01-17-2012, 10:48 AM   #44
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This was many moons ago. I was getting over a two week long cold, and was feeling better so my FB stopped by for a roll in zee hay. I was on top of him kissing his neck and worked my way to sucking his ear lobe. He instantly says "That's one sexy wheeze you got there". Bwahahaha I almost died laughing.
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Old 01-17-2012, 02:36 PM   #45
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This was many moons ago. I was getting over a two week long cold, and was feeling better so my FB stopped by for a roll in zee hay. I was on top of him kissing his neck and worked my way to sucking his ear lobe. He instantly says "That's one sexy wheeze you got there". Bwahahaha I almost died laughing.
I was sick a few weeks ago and I was trying so hard not to wheeze! But sometimes the fun was just too much and I started sounding like a dying animal. He didn't mention it, but Im sure he noticed!
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Old 01-18-2012, 09:23 AM   #46
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This was a while back before I found out I'm lactose intolerant & allergic to gluten.

Anyway, he was going down on me and I was having some digestive problems from dinner. I had to fart really bad, but I clenched my butt cheeks as hard as I could and held it in for a while.

That is, until I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I had an orgasm and let one rip at the same time.
It was so embarrasing. I was glad he was drunk though, I'm hoping he didn't remember.
I agree with Chris. I would laugh my ass off, hope it would make you laugh, too. I know early in my relationship with the wife, funny reactions to sex farts became a bonding element.
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Old 01-18-2012, 09:46 AM   #47
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When I go down on my wife, I like getting lips (both sets), tongue, teeth, clit just so and start humming. At first, I just hummed long notes. One time, I actually hummed a tune with long notes: "Oh, Canada."

The first time I did it, my wife broke into orgasm. I made the mistake of telling her what the tune was, though, so the next few times, the incongruity of it just caused her to laugh. Once she got used to it, it worked as it had originally. I told a couple of friends with whom I trade technique suggestions and, apparently, my wife isn't the only one who responds positively to a "muffled" version of the Canadian national anthem.

Now, whenever my wife hears it off the TV -- and I'm a big hockey fan -- we share a smile.

Back in my more strapping days, a similarly strapping woman and I got going very enthusiastically one night and sent a bed crashing to its doom, much to the amusement of us and her roommate in the adjacent room.
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Old 01-19-2012, 02:03 PM   #48
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This was many moons ago. I was getting over a two week long cold, and was feeling better so my FB stopped by for a roll in zee hay. I was on top of him kissing his neck and worked my way to sucking his ear lobe. He instantly says "That's one sexy wheeze you got there". Bwahahaha I almost died laughing.
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I was sick a few weeks ago and I was trying so hard not to wheeze! But sometimes the fun was just too much and I started sounding like a dying animal. He didn't mention it, but Im sure he noticed!
You two are lucky you just had wheezes. My nose was stuffed up due to a cold a few weeks back and when I was breathing hard as I was (censored) I accidentally blew my nose all over my fiancee's chest....yuck.
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Old 01-19-2012, 03:46 PM   #49
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Originally Posted by KHayes666 View Post
You two are lucky you just had wheezes. My nose was stuffed up due to a cold a few weeks back and when I was breathing hard as I was (censored) I accidentally blew my nose all over my fiancee's chest....yuck.
LOL sorry, but that made me feel better
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Old 01-19-2012, 08:16 PM   #50
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If I had a dollar for every time I elbowed someone in the face/kicked them in the shin Bill Gates would be pumping my gas.
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