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Old 09-26-2011, 08:31 AM   #26
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After thinking about it more, I also agree that someone showing physical interest on the first date isn't *necessarily* a creepy guy. However, I do think that especially with online dating, in my experience, guys who come on strong with the physical right away tend to be looking primarily for a physical connection and not a more committed relationship. But, YMMV.

The key as TJ said above is how you're feeling about the situation, whether he's respecting your cues (especially those you state or make obvious), and *how* he goes about making his physical attraction known. It can be hard to find your voice in these situations, but deserve props for not doing something you didn't feel comfortable with. That's a real win in this situation that is worth feeling proud of.
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Old 09-26-2011, 09:12 AM   #27
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After reading all of your responses carefully (and repeatedly), and seeing a number of you posting about the physical contact issues and the guy being a jerk, I guess I'd like to explain my comment there.

Yes, I understand that some people are more comfortable with physical contact, and no, that doesn't necessarily make them jerks, or creeps, or whatnot. But after replaying the scenario in my head way too many times, this is what it boiled down to for me:

Yes, we had talked quite a bit, and were comfortable with each other on the phone and online. But this was our first time actually meeting in person. So to me, it was still kind of a "blind date" scenario. If you were on a blind date, would it be appropriate to get in the car, buckle your seatbelt, and almost immediately start rubbing the other person's leg? For that matter, would you act that way with someone you HAD met before (a co-worker, classmate, etc.) that you were going out with for the first time? I may be inexperienced, but I'm thinking that's not typical first-date behavior. And the kissing thing was a little more involved than the "lean in for a kiss" that I mentioned, but I'm not going to go into all that, because (despite how this post may come across) I'm actually not trying to amp up the drama factor.

I just wanted to make it clear that, despite my opinion of this particular guy as a creep, I'm not judging people who are more comfortable with physical contact than myself.
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Old 09-26-2011, 12:08 PM   #28
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To me, it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. If YOU were uncomfortable and overwhelmed, (and you explained your reaction pretty clearly) then he should have stopped.

Look, I've been in a situation where I went on a date with a man who worked at the same company with me, but I didn't really know. The moment we were in traffic, he began to run his hand up and down my thigh and I told him to stop, that it was making me uncomfortable. He laughed and said I was a prude (lol hardly--I'm very comfortable with physical contact with someone I trust.) stopped for a few minutes, then tried again. I was stuck in an SUV on some expressway in NYC and couldn't jump out of the car without killing myself, and I kept pushing him away while he laughed the whole time thinking it was funny. Finally I grabbed his hand and bent his fingers back until he screamed and as soon as we got to our destination, I found a ride home and left.

There is no timetable for when or how comfortable you're supposed to feel. The guy I was dealing with was a jerk but it's true not all men are jerks. My impression of the guy you were with is that he IS a jerk and you did NOTHING wrong nor did you deserve any disrespect. Trust your instincts and don't apologize for them, ever.
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Old 09-26-2011, 12:37 PM   #29
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As someone who jokingly refers to myself as "woefully inexperienced," I get where you're coming from, especially the inclination to want to explain so other people don't get uncomfortable or think you're "weird."

But I think sometimes the phrase "Never apologize, never explain," is a good one. You don't owe anyone an explanation when they keep crossing boundaries that you have been clear about. That makes their problem (they don't respect boundaries) your problem (feeling you have to justify why you set a certain boundary) and you don't deserve that.

*I'm not saying in relationships you don't discuss things and why you feel a certain way, but with someone you just met, if they're already crossing a line, why continue?
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Old 09-26-2011, 03:37 PM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yoopergirl View Post
After reading all of your responses carefully (and repeatedly), and seeing a number of you posting about the physical contact issues and the guy being a jerk, I guess I'd like to explain my comment there.

Yes, I understand that some people are more comfortable with physical contact, and no, that doesn't necessarily make them jerks, or creeps, or whatnot. But after replaying the scenario in my head way too many times, this is what it boiled down to for me:

Yes, we had talked quite a bit, and were comfortable with each other on the phone and online. But this was our first time actually meeting in person. So to me, it was still kind of a "blind date" scenario. If you were on a blind date, would it be appropriate to get in the car, buckle your seatbelt, and almost immediately start rubbing the other person's leg? For that matter, would you act that way with someone you HAD met before (a co-worker, classmate, etc.) that you were going out with for the first time? I may be inexperienced, but I'm thinking that's not typical first-date behavior. And the kissing thing was a little more involved than the "lean in for a kiss" that I mentioned, but I'm not going to go into all that, because (despite how this post may come across) I'm actually not trying to amp up the drama factor.

I just wanted to make it clear that, despite my opinion of this particular guy as a creep, I'm not judging people who are more comfortable with physical contact than myself.
As far as I'm concerned if at any time with any person (no matter how well you do or don't know them) you say stop, they should stop. Period. Every man you go on dates with should respect your boundaries, and sure he may have boundaries too, but my feeling is that since as a woman I have more to lose and to also have more of a danger factor there, my boundaries should come first. That's just me tho.

I have a thing about rules on dates too. I want to know what they are and what's expected of me and what I should expect from him and just what the boundaries are in general when on a date. The thing is tho, there really aren't any hard and fast rules that everyone knows. It's whatever your level of comfort is. Some people wait till the third date, some people don't. Some people wait till marriage. Whatever. You figure it out as you go along. Really, don't sweat it too much.
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Old 09-29-2011, 12:05 PM   #31
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Don't worry about the freak out thing, at 23 I'm just as inexperienced physically (although in fairness I have dated/flirted with a few people) and just as jumpy when people touch me (the number of times I've jumped a million miles when someone tried to hold my hand I have lost count of).

In fact, the numero uno reason I am not dating anyone right now is that I cant deal with people touching me till I get used to them. And getting used to them takes awhile.

I'm working on a principle of dating/flirting with people at a level I'm comfortable with, and being assertive about when I feel uncomfortable. I have accepted the fact that anyone who wants to be with me is going to have to be patient enough to take the physical side slowly, and I'm upfront about that. If someone that's interested in me cant deal with taking things at my pace, then we aren't going to work.

It's not because I think my needs are more important than theirs, because I'm trying to play games and test their commitment, or because I'm saving myself, or because I'm a prude who hates sex. It's because if they touch me before I'm ready for it I will freak the fuck out, try and knee them in the groin and have a panic attack. It's a reaction I have very little control over.

And I refuse to feel guilty about it.

The point I'm trying to make here, is that if you want to go slow, go slow, and say you need to go slow. If the guy cant respect these bounderies, then you need to find another guy, because you shouldn't have to put yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable to meet someone. Be proactive about dating, but also be upfront about who you are and what you need from a guy.
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