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Old 10-25-2011, 03:11 PM   #1
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Default Slut.

I hate that term- slut. I feel like its tossed around so easily. My bestie called me a slut a few weeks ago, when we were arguing about a guy I was hanging out with. He meant it too. I was so upset, made me cry. He apologized later on, but its still hurt.

Then I began to look at my behavior. Was I really a slut?

I didnt date in high school. I was fat, shy and awkward. I hated my body, and I always covered up. I had a lot of good friends, mostly guys. I found it easier to be around guys, simply because I felt I wasn't competing with them. I could be my sailor--mouthed self and telling disgusting jokes. Conversations with my guy friends frequently revolved around sex, but were never in a sexual tone (if that makes sense).

I met my first (and only, really) boyfriend in the fall of 2004, at the community college we were both going to. He actually pursued me and I was shocked. No guy had EVER shown such interest in me before. It was certainly a nice feeling and because I loved being lusted over so so so much, I lost my virginity to him a week into our relationship. As the months went on, we became more intimate and experimental (helloooo anal!). We broke up after 2.5 years and I went years without any sexual contact. I fell back into being awkward and constantly covering myself up.

A few summers ago, something in me snapped and I started opening myself up more. I wore cuter clothes, showed off my arms and boobs, starting buying up skirts and shoes. I got many compliments and I loved it. Suddenly I was actually getting some attention from the opposite sex!

I met a really sweet guy last year, through friends and we had amazing sex. I was totally in love with his body, and he was good at lovin up mine! I think this is what started me on a more sexual path. But thats all it was. Sex. I was heartbroken when he decided he didnt want to hang out anyway.

Since the beginning of this year, I've been sexually active with 5 guys. 3 of them, multiple times. Actually, one of them turned into a FWB for a while.

I like to think that Im just having fun. Im young, single and I like having sex. But perhaps Im not going about it the best way. My bestie called me a slut for having sex with a man I didnt know. He was just staying with some friends for a few weeks while he was passing through town. We met one night, while at that friend's house and the next day we went out... and I blew him. That was the start of a 2 week sexy relationship with a man twice my age. We did it in my Jeep, at my friend's house, in a cheap motel room, a parking lot... even at my town's park one night. Bestie was absolutely disgusted.

The last guy I slept with (a week ago) was someone that I had been digging for months and months. I asked him out a few times, but it never happened... and I think I knew deep down that he was interested, but I sure as hell kept trying. I was so totally into him and not just lustfully. I wanted to get to know him and hang out!

He messaged me at midnight- "You know, it's not too late. I have tomorrow off. You could get some sex." I was completely confused. He never really showed interest, but now he wants me to come over and fuck? Was I just a bootycall or did he like me? I told him that I wasn't interested in just sex. He said if I didn't like him, I could have the bedroom all to my self, but I was definitely staying for the night. It took him an hour to convince me, but I gave in. I drove a half hour to in the middle of the night, the whole time trying to prepare myself. "Im not going to have sex with him. I want to just hang out and get to know him".

Well that didnt work at all. We hung out for maybe an hour (he played his guitar and my panties got wet) and then we were sitting on the couch fondling each other. It was awesome sex. Best I've had. But... I felt just like I did with all the other guys. He doesnt like me enough to date me, but at least he likes me enough to have sex with me.

Thats pretty fucked up, no? Why do I do this to myself?

This took me roughly 2 hours to type up, sorry but my train of thought has been wandering...
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Old 10-25-2011, 04:23 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saoirse View Post
I hate that term- slut. I feel like its tossed around so easily. My bestie called me a slut a few weeks ago, when we were arguing about a guy I was hanging out with. He meant it too. I was so upset, made me cry. He apologized later on, but its still hurt.

Then I began to look at my behavior. Was I really a slut?

I didnt date in high school. I was fat, shy and awkward. I hated my body, and I always covered up. I had a lot of good friends, mostly guys. I found it easier to be around guys, simply because I felt I wasn't competing with them. I could be my sailor--mouthed self and telling disgusting jokes. Conversations with my guy friends frequently revolved around sex, but were never in a sexual tone (if that makes sense).

I met my first (and only, really) boyfriend in the fall of 2004, at the community college we were both going to. He actually pursued me and I was shocked. No guy had EVER shown such interest in me before. It was certainly a nice feeling and because I loved being lusted over so so so much, I lost my virginity to him a week into our relationship. As the months went on, we became more intimate and experimental (helloooo anal!). We broke up after 2.5 years and I went years without any sexual contact. I fell back into being awkward and constantly covering myself up.

A few summers ago, something in me snapped and I started opening myself up more. I wore cuter clothes, showed off my arms and boobs, starting buying up skirts and shoes. I got many compliments and I loved it. Suddenly I was actually getting some attention from the opposite sex!

I met a really sweet guy last year, through friends and we had amazing sex. I was totally in love with his body, and he was good at lovin up mine! I think this is what started me on a more sexual path. But thats all it was. Sex. I was heartbroken when he decided he didnt want to hang out anyway.

Since the beginning of this year, I've been sexually active with 5 guys. 3 of them, multiple times. Actually, one of them turned into a FWB for a while.

I like to think that Im just having fun. Im young, single and I like having sex. But perhaps Im not going about it the best way. My bestie called me a slut for having sex with a man I didnt know. He was just staying with some friends for a few weeks while he was passing through town. We met one night, while at that friend's house and the next day we went out... and I blew him. That was the start of a 2 week sexy relationship with a man twice my age. We did it in my Jeep, at my friend's house, in a cheap motel room, a parking lot... even at my town's park one night. Bestie was absolutely disgusted.

The last guy I slept with (a week ago) was someone that I had been digging for months and months. I asked him out a few times, but it never happened... and I think I knew deep down that he was interested, but I sure as hell kept trying. I was so totally into him and not just lustfully. I wanted to get to know him and hang out!

He messaged me at midnight- "You know, it's not too late. I have tomorrow off. You could get some sex." I was completely confused. He never really showed interest, but now he wants me to come over and fuck? Was I just a bootycall or did he like me? I told him that I wasn't interested in just sex. He said if I didn't like him, I could have the bedroom all to my self, but I was definitely staying for the night. It took him an hour to convince me, but I gave in. I drove a half hour to in the middle of the night, the whole time trying to prepare myself. "Im not going to have sex with him. I want to just hang out and get to know him".

Well that didnt work at all. We hung out for maybe an hour (he played his guitar and my panties got wet) and then we were sitting on the couch fondling each other. It was awesome sex. Best I've had. But... I felt just like I did with all the other guys. He doesnt like me enough to date me, but at least he likes me enough to have sex with me.

Thats pretty fucked up, no? Why do I do this to myself?

This took me roughly 2 hours to type up, sorry but my train of thought has been wandering...

My sister said the same thing to me when she found out about the year in my life after 21 when I got my first boyfriend and lost my viriginity after a week, then slept with several other guys in that same year. I just kept seeking something real and kept failing and knew it was wrong.

I've pretty much cut myself off cold turkey from dating--I haven't even kissed a guy in over two years. I've attempted to date but when it finally moved to the "let's go on a date" I've backed away because I'm afraid I won't be smart, that I'll be a "slut" again, that he'll be just like the other guys who are more interested in sex than me. I wish these feelings would go away.

I'm with you, so I can't really offer any help. Hopefully someone else on here can enlighten us both.
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Old 10-25-2011, 06:07 PM   #3
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Not all of it, but a lot of it - sounds like what most of my friends and I have referred to as "fucking for hugs". It's validating to have someone show interest and want you, but each time it's over you know that something just isn't right about it, even though it's a great feeling and seems fine at the time.

I don't think you're a slut (not that anyone's opinion on that matters but your own), you're making choices. I think maybe you're (just going by your words) looking for something you're not getting, and you're hoping that the sex is going to open the door to it - or maybe extend the possibility that it leads that way.

Lessons more often than not show that's not the case, but that also doesn't mean you have to strap on the chastity belt and lock yourself away.

You'll figure this out, a lot of it is just the great equalizer. A lot of it is more experience and knowing what you will and won't tolerate in your life. The fact that you're thinking it all over speaks volumes.

Good luck!
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Old 10-25-2011, 06:21 PM   #4
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Thanks for the reply anyway! I'm still trying to figure it all out in my head. Fucking sucks.
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Old 10-25-2011, 06:23 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by AnnMarie View Post
Not all of it, but a lot of it - sounds like what most of my friends and I have referred to as "fucking for hugs". It's validating to have someone show interest and want you, but each time it's over you know that something just isn't right about it, even though it's a great feeling and seems fine at the time.

I don't think you're a slut (not that anyone's opinion on that matters but your own), you're making choices. I think maybe you're (just going by your words) looking for something you're not getting, and you're hoping that the sex is going to open the door to it - or maybe extend the possibility that it leads that way.

Lessons more often than not show that's not the case, but that also doesn't mean you have to strap on the chastity belt and lock yourself away.

You'll figure this out, a lot of it is just the great equalizer. A lot of it is more experience and knowing what you will and won't tolerate in your life. The fact that you're thinking it all over speaks volumes.

Good luck!
Thanks AM I think I'm trying to be more of a free spirit that can do the no strings attached deal, but I'm not so sure its for me...
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Old 10-25-2011, 06:41 PM   #6
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Thanks AM I think I'm trying to be more of a free spirit that can do the no strings attached deal, but I'm not so sure its for me...

I hear you. In my head I'm a wanton slut (in that "free spirit" way), but in reality I just don't give it up that easy (or frequently) and when I do it's because I really like the person in some way and I'm making a big choice to let them get close to me. It's taken time, but I know me well enough now. I can't do the one night stand thing and really be ok with it. I've done FWB and it's ok enough, but if I'm having sex with someone, I generally like them enough to be open to more.

Hell, I'm a lot older than you and I'm still learning hard lessons about what to tolerate and not. It's tough to try to be open and easy about things, but still hold a line about being respected as a person or a friend, and being sort of a hard ass about being treated as you know you rightfully deserve (and as you likely treat others).

And frankly, sometimes you look the other way over a bunch of bullshit because there's just something really nice about a warm body near you. I just have to remind myself that eventually the warm body isn't enough and the bullshit just makes you feel invisible and worthless - which is frankly much worse than I've ever felt just being on my own.
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Old 10-25-2011, 06:55 PM   #7
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I remember getting called a slut. It was pretty hurtful all because I didn't see it. Looking back, I still don't.

The only reason I was called a slut was that I was interested in men much older than me, and going out with them, while still flirting with guys my age and hooked up with two. Because the guys I hooked up with told others what it was like with me, other guys chased me to hook up, which some tell me should be a compliment, but I felt like it was a game, so I never got with anyone else.

But because of having all these guys suddenly, plus the older men which everyone thought was just for sex, I was labelled a slut. Some from those days still think I am, though I haven't had sex in almost 3 years and haven't had a relationship in just as long.

It's definitely a loaded word. But if you don't feel it, I don't think you are. To be honest, when I see your posts about getting some, I feel some envy cuz I wish I was able to be free and comfortable enough with myself to let someone be intimate with me. I see you as pretty liberated, actually
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Old 10-26-2011, 12:42 AM   #8
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Just going to give a head's up, this is going to turn pretty vulgar. I hope I don't offend anybody or get banned, but this is the only way I know to put this

Slut's such an ugly word, and that's the point of it I think. It's like (and forgive me for even typing these, but it's a contextual thing) using "dyke", or "faggot", it's a word used by people, usually having no real insight on the situation, an ugly word to make you feel ugly or ashamed for doing what you think feels right.

Fuck those people. Don't let them, or their stupid labels, make you feel ashamed. Your choices, and the consequences thereof, are yours and yours alone. Not your parents', or your sibling's, or even your best friend's. Yours.

Do what makes you happy. So long as you're being careful and responsible about it (using protection, birth control, etc.) don't let anyone talk you into feeling bad over it.

Hope that wasn't too cliche'd or preachy.
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Old 10-26-2011, 01:18 AM   #9
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Casual sex can be a wonderful thing. You get your itch scratched and you can go on your way. If you feel badly about your sexual escapades, is it because you're not satisfied with the intimacy without the emotion, or is it because of how others view your adventures? If it's because they're judging you with their moral stick, then I say ignore their opinion. Sex is meant to be fun, after all. If you're not satisfied with having sex without the emotional connection, then it might be time to look at why you do it. For attention, affection, to be liked, something else? If it is one of those, then maybe putting a hold on things until you can sort yourself out could be a good idea. There's no harm with having a break from men for a while, and it can be good sometimes.

I was very happy with what I called my "slutting about" phase. It was after my relationship with my ex had ended and I was finally over him. I didn't want a relationship, I just wanted some fun. I had some casual relationships that were pretty much about sex only, had some one night stands, and it was fun. I was doing it because I wanted to. I didn't know if I liked those guys enough to have proper relationships with them when things started, so I was happy to see where things went. Turns out that I didn't like them enough for more, and when it got to that point, things stopped. It was kind of a 'try before you buy' situation

Is this the same bestie who has been extremely judgemental about the men you've dated in the past?
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Old 10-26-2011, 06:58 AM   #10
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The problem with the term 'slut' imo is the double standard in judging sexual behavior it still stands for.

A woman who is not monogamous is quickly labeled as a slut - a man with the same number of sex partners is mostly not qualified at all.

For men there's the label 'womanizer' - which is not only much less derogatory, but is also reserved for a much higher level of promiscuity.

Even today society still expects women to conform to a higher moral standard - and is less likely to concede that they have an equally strong sexual drive and desires.

Do whatever you feel comfortable with for yourself: As long as you can look in the mirror every morning and feel you're doing the right thing for your physical and emotional well being, not harming others in the process - then go for it!
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Old 10-26-2011, 09:48 AM   #11
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I was very happy with what I called my "slutting about" phase.
So was I, and so were a lot of my female friends. It seems that many women go through this sort of thing when they're in their early 20's, and it makes sense for several reasons. You're having some major hormone rearrangements; you're likely getting out of the parents' home for the first time and going to school/work; you've gotten away from the group of people (highschool, etc) who may have made you feel bad about yourself for years and meeting new people in their place; and you're also likely determining what it means to be a strong, independent woman at this time, which can include the power associated with sexual conquests. And now that I'm almost 30, the "slut" phase is definitely over...and I've become the opposite, negative type of woman: frigid. Just don't give a damn, haha.

Being called a "slut" for doing something that seems so natural is ridiculous, but of course, that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. Your friend sounds very judgmental, and I wonder what kind of sex he's having in his free time....
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Old 10-26-2011, 11:21 AM   #12
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I use the term "slut" affectionately with my close girl friends (not in mixed company however as some people would just never understand). Personally the term has lost all its intended (negative) meaning for me. It's a new day and age.. I use it on any girl who loves to f*ck.. =) Whether it's with one man, multiple partners, or even just loves to do it solo. Yay yay hoorah thumbs up for sluts!
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Old 10-26-2011, 11:48 AM   #13
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I don't like the term "slut" - and I don't consider what you have described "slutty" behaviour in the least. That said, it's not my or anyone else's place to decide. It's totally up to you and how you think of yourself.

There are no broad ways to categorize individuals and their sexual behaviour; everyone really is different. What is most important is how you feel about your own choices.

It sounds like you are a little bit conflicted in how you feel about those choices. If you have any regrets, is it because your friend labeled you a slut and made you feel guilty? Or is it because you're settling for sex when you really want more? There's nothing wrong with casual sex; it's just a matter of determining whether you're really enjoying it or not.

Lots of people have casual sex and have no problem with the whole no-strings thing - and that is totally, 100% fine. Others can't do it; emotions get in the way, feelings get hurt, and so forth. I think most people go through phases, as was mentioned before, too - so what is key is understanding yourself and your needs now.

What bothers me is that you said something about men not liking you enough to date you, but at least liking you enough to have sex with you. If you're just enjoying the sex and you want nothing else from these men, then that's all well and good - but if you are, deep down, wanting more, then you need to take a long, hard look at both yourself and your decisions. Settling for something because you think it's all you can get is not healthy, and you're worth more than that. I wouldn't call you promiscuous, but promiscuity can be a result of having low self esteem, looking for acceptance, craving affection in whatever way one can find... etc.

That said, it's very easy to start questioning yourself and over-analyzing everything when other people pass judgment on you. If no-strings sex is what you want/need right now, and you're not getting hurt, then that is your choice to make, and no one else's; there's nothing wrong with you, and it does not make you a slut. It all just comes down to knowing your own reasons for the choices you are making, and accepting yourself and those choices. If you can do that, then it doesn't matter what your friends, society, or random people on the internet think.

Life is short, and there are no guarantees. We can't make our choices based on how others think we should live our lives.
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Old 10-26-2011, 02:23 PM   #14
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Your behavior sounds fairly normal for a young, single woman, but at the end of the day it's really all about how what your doing makes you feel. If you feel bad, not because of some comment your friend made, but for reasons that come strictly from inside, then it's probably not good behavior for you. But if that's not what's going on inside your head, well, nothing wrong with it then.

Least that's what I thought of it when I was your age and doing almost the same thing.
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Old 10-26-2011, 03:18 PM   #15
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Thanks everyone! So much input to process! Dont know if my stoner mind can handle it

I chatted with a girlfriend (one of the very few that I have) about all of it and she suggested that maybe I try to take a break from sex. Im gonna do it and see how I feel.

I do like casual sex. I know I can handle it because I've done it before. But when I meet a guy that I am truly interested in, my mind automatically tells me to do anything to make him happy, so he will see what a nice girl I am... and that usually leads to sex. And thats when I start to feel shitty and worthless.

But man, I really really really love sex. Im NOT a touchy-feely kinda person. I dont offer up hugs (but I dont turn them down) or back rubs or let someone put their arm around me... unless Im having sex with them. Sometimes I think my love of sex gets me into some predicaments. The bestie jokingly (?) said I dont know how to kick it with a guy without having sex with him. Sadly, its kinda true.
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Old 10-26-2011, 03:32 PM   #16
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I do like casual sex. I know I can handle it because I've done it before. But when I meet a guy that I am truly interested in, my mind automatically tells me to do anything to make him happy, so he will see what a nice girl I am... and that usually leads to sex. And thats when I start to feel shitty and worthless.
I really relate to this. I used to sleep around for pretty much the same reasons. Now I have learned that I can handle casual sex, just for the physical enjoyment, as long as I'm not emotionally invested...if I really like guy, I make myself hold off coz I know I'll feel bad afterwards. Likewise if I start like liking a FWB, I have to knock it on the head if they're not interested in anything more. It's not always easy, and I ended up having a lot less sex, but I feel a lot better about myself and when I do have casual sex, I enjoy it without getting that awful dirty hollow feeling afterwards.

That was a bit of a brain dump...not sure how much sense it made! Hopefully you get the jist. It doesn't really apply to me at the moment anyway, as I'm in a LDR and even though I can sleep with someone else (no-strings attached) if I want to (and after 4 months I'm beginning to get an itch!), I'm not sure I could handle it. Think it'd make me miss the boy too much. I'll save that problem for another thread!
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Old 10-26-2011, 07:23 PM   #17
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Your sexuality is your business. As long as you are doing what you want to do and what you are comfortable with all while protecting yourself against STDs and unwanted pregnancy, then you really should tell anyone who feels the need to comment to piss off.
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Old 10-26-2011, 11:42 PM   #18
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Here's my situation.

After ending a two year relationship I took time off from sex and dating in general.

This summer someone came waddling into my life, completely unexpected, and open that he was purely interested in a "special friendship". I thought I could handle it because I am after all insatiable, and it's been forever since I relaxed and enjoyed some casual sex. What I should have anticipated was starting to care for him as more than a fuck buddy, really liking him deep down, because I am an emotional girl who cannot so easily turn that side of me off, though I've had casual partners in the past that didn't have this effect on me.

We don't have a typical Booty Call relationship either. We spend hours talking, laughing, and cuddling, before and after getting nasty, and he always wants me to stay over. I don't live in a fantasy world believing that having sex with someone will make him have romantic feelings for me. I also don't believe in holding in my carnal desires for someone.

It's almost like we are a couple, but we aren't, and we likely will never be. No matter how much I can control him with my beckoning ass this will probably never be more than a very special friendship. Not for lack of chemistry, and not for lack of compatibility, but because we're both confused people with too many fears.

I am trying hard to turn off my emotions.

My advice to you: If you can't turn off your emotions, and they get the best of you, run.

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Old 10-27-2011, 10:18 AM   #19
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If you're outspoken about your actions in the bedroom (or wherever else you're getting it on) then you open the door for comments. If you keep your sex life to yourself then no one knows the difference, right? I never talk about my sex life and no one has an opinion on it. Maybe you share too much information?

And 'slut' is a pretty broad term anyways. Is Jenna Jameson a slut or just a shrewd business woman? Is a woman a slut who has sex once before marriage? I'm sure she is to some religious people. Do I think she is? Hell no.
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Old 10-27-2011, 02:54 PM   #20
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Not all of it, but a lot of it - sounds like what most of my friends and I have referred to as "fucking for hugs". It's validating to have someone show interest and want you, but each time it's over you know that something just isn't right about it, even though it's a great feeling and seems fine at the time.

I don't think you're a slut (not that anyone's opinion on that matters but your own), you're making choices. I think maybe you're (just going by your words) looking for something you're not getting, and you're hoping that the sex is going to open the door to it - or maybe extend the possibility that it leads that way.

Lessons more often than not show that's not the case, but that also doesn't mean you have to strap on the chastity belt and lock yourself away.

You'll figure this out, a lot of it is just the great equalizer. A lot of it is more experience and knowing what you will and won't tolerate in your life. The fact that you're thinking it all over speaks volumes.

Good luck!
I really like what AnnMarie said - the fucking for hugs - cos that's when I also realised that although I enjoyed the casual sexual encounters I had had i wanted more and I wasn't going to find it with those people - I was just satisfying a kind of touch hunger. Also you are not a slut. The way your friends are using it against you is as a weapon - fuck them - you are not a slut. There is nothing wrong with seeking and finding pleasure with a variety of partners - absolutely nothing wrong. What is wrong is if you're hurting because of it- if it isn't what you actually want. If this is you right now chica - do you! Enjoy your body, enjoy the sex and don't buy all the slut shaming bullshit that the world will try to shove at you.
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Old 10-27-2011, 06:49 PM   #21
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Stop sleeping with guys that don't like you.
Stop allowing yourself to be a booty call.
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Old 10-27-2011, 09:10 PM   #22
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But man, I really really really love sex. Im NOT a touchy-feely kinda person.
I'm the same way on both accounts. I actually find hugs weird and uncomfortable.
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Old 10-27-2011, 09:59 PM   #23
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There is nothing wrong with seeking and finding pleasure with a variety of partners - absolutely nothing wrong. What is wrong is if you're hurting because of it- if it isn't what you actually want. If this is you right now chica - do you! Enjoy your body, enjoy the sex and don't buy all the slut shaming bullshit that the world will try to shove at you.
This.
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Old 10-28-2011, 01:43 AM   #24
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The blunt title of this thread caught my eye, so now I have to chip in. = P

Casual sex is fine... so long as you understand it's casual sex, and are specifically looking for casual sex. And nothing more. While the reason we find sex so enjoyable is a side effect of a biological imperative to reproduce, there's really nothing wrong with doing it for little more than the pleasure high.

That said, be aware that there are people, such as your bestie, who will/do find such behavior deplorable, crude, "slutty", etc. I'm... I've had enough friends by now who are casual about sexual relationships that I've learned not to judge people for it. I accept it, and I even understand the motivation behind it. But I don't exactly like it, and I don't think I ever will.

At least, not until I find a way to reincarnate myself as a girl, but with the exact same experiences I've had to date. If I were a girl... I would most likely be a "slut" myself.

And now I'm going to go to bed, because I'm actually tired enough to have visual hallucinations! = P

ETA:
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I'm the same way on both accounts. I actually find hugs weird and uncomfortable.
Huh. Me too. I hate casual human contact (including hugs with all but a very short list of people), but intimate touch is awesome!
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Old 10-28-2011, 09:23 AM   #25
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I dont really think Slut applies to anyone. I also ( like previously mentioned)use it in a giggly fashion with friends because in my social circle the word Slut holds just as much power as the word floozy or slapper. They are archaic and almost ridiculous words. Used for banter and fun.

I've been called a slut before but I guess like a lot of things out there, it only really affects you if you give power to it.

As most everyone has already wisely stated. You are definitely not a slut in anyones (i've ever met) books.

If i was forced to define slut it would be someone with over a hundred different partners a month, not only would they be slightly sluttish,they would also deserve a high five for being awesome
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