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Old 11-25-2011, 06:13 PM   #1
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Default Too picky for the fat girl in the family…

I have heard from family and friends for years how they wish my sister, and female cousins my age were more picky about the men they date. And then they turn around and tell me that I shouldn’t be so pick about guys… And when pressed on why it all comes down to my being big… I’m just as pretty, smart, and funny as the other girls in the family (more so by most accounts) but just one aspect of me isn’t up to mainstream standards and I should settle for less, and be grateful??? I’m extremely thankful for my father who seems to be the only person in the family who doesn’t want me to settle. But I just can’t wrap my head around the blatant double standard and the idea that people who supposedly love me want me to sell myself so short.

Do any of you get this from your family??? And how do you deal with it?

I am really defiant about the whole thing, and can be rather cold and condescending towards whomever brings it up, but sometimes when I'm done being spiteful I am really hurt and upset about it, in privet.
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Old 11-25-2011, 08:47 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by prettyeyes77 View Post
I have heard from family and friends for years how they wish my sister, and female cousins my age were more picky about the men they date. And then they turn around and tell me that I shouldn’t be so pick about guys… And when pressed on why it all comes down to my being big… I’m just as pretty, smart, and funny as the other girls in the family (more so by most accounts) but just one aspect of me isn’t up to mainstream standards and I should settle for less, and be grateful??? I’m extremely thankful for my father who seems to be the only person in the family who doesn’t want me to settle. But I just can’t wrap my head around the blatant double standard and the idea that people who supposedly love me want me to sell myself so short.

Do any of you get this from your family??? And how do you deal with it?

I am really defiant about the whole thing, and can be rather cold and condescending towards whomever brings it up, but sometimes when I'm done being spiteful I am really hurt and upset about it, in privet.
I am the same way. I'll never forget finally letting my dad get under my skin and dating someone that didn't meet my (very short) checklist because at 21 I had never even been kissed, let alone dated, and my YOUNGER sister was engaged (she's thin). He said, "Stop being so picky. So what if he's not educated, that doesn't mean he's not a good guy!" So the first guy who looked my way on eHarmony, I dated. We went to the sports bar/restaurant Beef O'Brady's once and the man seriously read the sign, slow and syllabically as "Beef O'Barley's". He couldn't even spell his own profession right on his MySpace page. Side note: Although it annoyed me to be an intelligent woman with a not-so-bright guy, I let this and many other things slide because he wasn't a terrible guy--until he started telling me what to eat.

That mistake taught me to not do it again (well, the second guy I dated and lowered my standards for did--he was a racist who also made fun of everything I liked, but I digress...) and that I deserve someone who isn't just a warm body with boy parts just because I'm fat. I haven't dated for two years since because I'm waiting for someone worth my time.

If people want to call me picky, that's fine. I don't need a Brad Pitt, but I'd like someone I'm attracted to who isn't an asshole and isn't an illiterate that I might have to keep pointy objects away from. When people say "Why aren't you dating?" I always throw back that I'm in school and don't have time, which is a convenient excuse. It's partly true. Because, like you... if I say I haven't found a good one yet, they tell me to stop being so damn picky.

For what it's worth, this older thread was also about BBWs being told they're too picky about men. If you care to read how other ladies deal with it.
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Old 11-25-2011, 11:46 PM   #3
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I haven't dated for two years now, and while I don't get told I'm too picky, I get told ''it makes sense that you're single because you're so fat, guys don't think that's attractive'' by my dad. He says ''if you want to date again you'll have to lose weight first ofcourse, or find someone who REALLY likes your personality because they won't go for your looks..''

Rude right? I know. But tbh, I don't care what my dad says anymore. I am independent and he's a very superficial guy so if I avoid guys like him I'm pretty pleased. And due to dimensions, I know I'm very well liked by many guys; it has given me back my confidence and now on the streets I get whistled at again. I'm fat and I love it!

I've just waited for a guy to come along who likes me as I am; as the whole package; body soul and mind.

And since three weeks I'm dating someone, who's not once said anything negative about my body and likes me really much. So my dad can stick it up, it's just not true.
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Old 11-26-2011, 09:56 AM   #4
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For what it's worth, this older thread was also about BBWs being told they're too picky about men. If you care to read how other ladies deal with it.
I've seen that thread... I was just wondering more about the family double standard than the general populaces opinion...But thanks.


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And due to dimensions, I know I'm very well liked by many guys; it has given me back my confidence and now on the streets I get whistled at again. I'm fat and I love it!

I've just waited for a guy to come along who likes me as I am; as the whole package; body soul and mind.

And since three weeks I'm dating someone, who's not once said anything negative about my body and likes me really much. So my dad can stick it up, it's just not true.

Go you!


I have another question.... Do you guys have anyone who supports your picky'ness? Like my dad does for me? I'm not sure I could be half as strong in my mind set without him backing me up...
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Old 11-26-2011, 11:35 AM   #5
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Actually my family thought nobody was good enough for me and interrogated the hell out of anyone I had the stupidity to bring home. Most guys I dated, I never did bring home because I didn't want them to be run through the gauntlet no matter how well-meaning my family was.
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Old 11-26-2011, 03:52 PM   #6
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Actually my family thought nobody was good enough for me and interrogated the hell out of anyone I had the stupidity to bring home. Most guys I dated, I never did bring home because I didn't want them to be run through the gauntlet no matter how well-meaning my family was.
I figure any guy who's willing to go the distance will gladly go through hell, high water, and family members to prove himself.
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Old 11-26-2011, 03:55 PM   #7
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I figure any guy who's willing to go the distance will gladly go through hell, high water, and family members to prove himself.
You'd think that was the case but some who I thought were decent good men surprised even me. Not hell nor high water and we never even got to family members.
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Old 11-26-2011, 08:37 PM   #8
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I've seen that thread... I was just wondering more about the family double standard than the general populaces opinion...But thanks.
Oh, sorry. I thought I remembered that thread being more narrow. I feel like a jerk. Carry on...
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Old 11-26-2011, 09:18 PM   #9
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I'm in the opposite boat! I always think that they can do better, and that the guy should be pickier, and my family and friends are always saying that I've 'found my match'....

obviously they've been wrong.
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Old 01-20-2012, 12:09 PM   #10
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My dad was always pairing me up with the other huge fat man in our town. The guy was a Nazi enthusiast and conspiracy nut who wore T-shirts with huge holes in them and never washed his hair. (he's in a mental hospital for pulling a gun on the cops who tried to serve a warrant)

Yeah my dad was aiming high for me.

I think some people think when you say you're looking for a good guy that you're waiting for some movie star. I was looking for an intelligent, funny, good person; aka not a creepy Nazi who doesn't bathe.

It's pretty insulting when people feel like you're only worthy to date an inbred, knuckle dragging troglodyte.

Keep your standards. Sometimes it's better to be in no company than poor company.
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Old 01-20-2012, 05:53 PM   #11
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I have dated some pretty awesome guys in my time. Guys that make skinny women give me dirty looks when we're out together sort of awesome.

But I was forever battling certain members of my family on what must be "wrong" with them, with the unstated notion stemming from disbelief in their genuine interest in me because of my weight. This one must be secretly married. That one must be secretly gay. Another was just using me, though for what I'm not sure because we weren't having sex. Oh, and that one there just wants me to do stuff for him because he's cheap/lazy/whatever. It was like, in the minds of the people who said these things, these guys must be "defective" even if they were good on paper to have dated me.

Of course, the fat guy who was a chronic cheater... he was a keeper. [Not hating on the BHMs, just stating that a) his character was a bit crap and b) there's an idea that fat people should only date fat people.]

I don't even have any clue after all these years how to deal with this other than to ignore it and just be happy... and NOT let the detractors feel victorious if the guy does turn out to be a jerk, because that's something thin women deal with too.
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Old 01-20-2012, 06:12 PM   #12
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My sister used to get furious with me because I tended to date guys she thought were out of my league. Only once do I think she had a point (and really, he was shorter than I am, and I'm only 5-3. I just couldn't get past it).

I generally have a pretty active dating life without settling. Although I do have a whole codependency thing I have to watch for.

The problem with settling is that you wind up unhappy, and that's not a good situation for anybody involved.
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Old 01-20-2012, 10:07 PM   #13
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My dad was always pairing me up with the other huge fat man in our town. The guy was a Nazi enthusiast and conspiracy nut who wore T-shirts with huge holes in them and never washed his hair. (he's in a mental hospital for pulling a gun on the cops who tried to serve a warrant)

Yeah my dad was aiming high for me.

I think some people think when you say you're looking for a good guy that you're waiting for some movie star. I was looking for an intelligent, funny, good person; aka not a creepy Nazi who doesn't bathe.

It's pretty insulting when people feel like you're only worthy to date an inbred, knuckle dragging troglodyte.

Keep your standards. Sometimes it's better to be in no company than poor company.
Every time you tell a story about your father, I think of my mother, they would've gotten along great. She was a real pip.
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Old 01-20-2012, 11:01 PM   #14
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Red face I'm going to say something here.

I'm a guy. And there are a lot of good guys out there. Only we're usually shy or nervous. Sometimes with good guys. The women have to chase them. Like I have a friend that is a good guy. But the problem with most NICE GUYS, is that we are damaged goods. Being nice costs you in life. Eventually nice guys are either caught or become Antisocial. And nice guys usually attract women who want to use them. Because they are too nervous to actually go up to women. Nice guys have been rejected so much that we or they find that they just give up. A lot of women don't understand with a nice guy. That it is that, as said, we are damaged goods. And we need a woman to chase us a bit. Most nice guys are too shy to go up to a woman. Later.
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Old 01-20-2012, 11:27 PM   #15
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I'm a guy. And there are a lot of good guys out there. Only we're usually shy or nervous. Sometimes with good guys. The women have to chase them. Like I have a friend that is a good guy. But the problem with most NICE GUYS, is that we are damaged goods. Being nice costs you in life. Eventually nice guys are either caught or become Antisocial. And nice guys usually attract women who want to use them. Because they are too nervous to actually go up to women. Nice guys have been rejected so much that we or they find that they just give up. A lot of women don't understand with a nice guy. That it is that, as said, we are damaged goods. And we need a woman to chase us a bit. Most nice guys are too shy to go up to a woman. Later.
My husband is a shy nice guy. When we met, he was staring at me, but wouldn't approach me. Finally, I walked over to him, and we really hit it off. He's still shy, and I'm usually the one to initiate sex.
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Old 01-21-2012, 06:48 AM   #16
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I actually don't. My parents are glad that I turned down the guys I dated who wound up being losers. Still, as a single person, it would be nice to meet a non-loser, non-jerk, and non-creep guy. Do any such men exist? Or are they like unicorns?
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Old 01-21-2012, 08:17 AM   #17
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But I was forever battling certain members of my family on what must be "wrong" with them, with the unstated notion stemming from disbelief in their genuine interest in me because of my weight.
This - this is what I get.
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Old 01-21-2012, 09:21 AM   #18
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I'm pretty fortunate that most people in my family are disinterested enough in my life to not be overly concerned with who I'm dating. My grandfather, who really is just an asshole in all aspects, is an exception to this. He once told me when I was young, around 10 or 11 probably, that boys don't like fat girls and that if I wanted to grow up and have a husband and babies and make my parents proud (cause clearly the only way to do this is to grow up, get married and pop out some kids) I'd have to lose weight. It was an enormous guilt trip that forced me into starvation mode for a brief period of time but alas, I'm still fat.

Worse yet was when I was 18 and broke up with my boyfriend at the time. My grandfather refused to acknowledge that I had been the one to break it off. He kept saying how it was such a shame that he had ended things with me, etc. despite me saying over and over again that I had been the one to end it. Finally at one point I was like, are you not listening to me? I MADE THE DECISION, NOT HIM. At that point he got upset and said "well, you're going to regret it because no one as smart, educated or well adjusted as him is going to want you with the way you look now." Normally, I'm an argumentative person but I was speechless. That comment haunted me for months. Coincidentally, despite having a handful of dates here and there, I was single for all of 2010 (the year after I broke up with him) and I was terrified that he was right. I felt like I had made a huge mistake and let the only person who could possibly be attracted to me go.

Luckily 2011 was a completely different story. I dated a guy for a few months in the beginning of the year who was great, just not for me, briefly dated two different guys in the summer, had a series of great dates in the fall (mostly through friends hooking me up with friends) and ultimately met the guy I'm now (unofficially) involved with in October. I can now look back and be 100% sure I made the right decision. I wouldn't have met the people I have now, or had the same experiences unless I ended it with him. He wasn't right for me, the situation wasn't right for me and I can say confidently now that he certainly is not the end all and be all of my dating life. I guess the way I deal with it is to just get out there, meet people, network through friends, do online dating, go to social events and just prove them wrong. The reality is that you're not going to change their mind, so don't even bother trying.. just live your life.
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Old 01-21-2012, 03:16 PM   #19
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I'm pretty fortunate that most people in my family are disinterested enough in my life to not be overly concerned with who I'm dating. My grandfather, who really is just an asshole in all aspects, is an exception to this. He once told me when I was young, around 10 or 11 probably, that boys don't like fat girls and that if I wanted to grow up and have a husband and babies and make my parents proud (cause clearly the only way to do this is to grow up, get married and pop out some kids) I'd have to lose weight. It was an enormous guilt trip that forced me into starvation mode for a brief period of time but alas, I'm still fat.

Worse yet was when I was 18 and broke up with my boyfriend at the time. My grandfather refused to acknowledge that I had been the one to break it off. He kept saying how it was such a shame that he had ended things with me, etc. despite me saying over and over again that I had been the one to end it. Finally at one point I was like, are you not listening to me? I MADE THE DECISION, NOT HIM. At that point he got upset and said "well, you're going to regret it because no one as smart, educated or well adjusted as him is going to want you with the way you look now." Normally, I'm an argumentative person but I was speechless. That comment haunted me for months. Coincidentally, despite having a handful of dates here and there, I was single for all of 2010 (the year after I broke up with him) and I was terrified that he was right. I felt like I had made a huge mistake and let the only person who could possibly be attracted to me go.

Luckily 2011 was a completely different story. I dated a guy for a few months in the beginning of the year who was great, just not for me, briefly dated two different guys in the summer, had a series of great dates in the fall (mostly through friends hooking me up with friends) and ultimately met the guy I'm now (unofficially) involved with in October. I can now look back and be 100% sure I made the right decision. I wouldn't have met the people I have now, or had the same experiences unless I ended it with him. He wasn't right for me, the situation wasn't right for me and I can say confidently now that he certainly is not the end all and be all of my dating life. I guess the way I deal with it is to just get out there, meet people, network through friends, do online dating, go to social events and just prove them wrong. The reality is that you're not going to change their mind, so don't even bother trying.. just live your life.
I'm glad you made the right decision. Your grandfather should keep his opinions to himself. Do "loved ones" know the harm they cause?
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Old 01-22-2012, 04:39 AM   #20
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But I was forever battling certain members of my family on what must be "wrong" with them, with the unstated notion stemming from disbelief in their genuine interest in me because of my weight.
I get this all the time. At work people always like to ask about your private life. I am not sure why, but I always get asked, "Are you married"? "Do you have kids"? etc.

When tell them I have a boyfriend and we've been together how every many years it was at the time *almost 13 now*. They always want to know all about him.

When I would say he's unemployed they'd just get this look of "ohhh that's why he's with her he's a deadbeat who is using her".

He's legally blind and is in the process of slowly losing his sight completely. When they hear that it's also, "ohhhh" like "oh he's defective that's make sense now."

I've heard girls say about big girls or ugly girls they see on the street "how'd she get him? Why do all these "insert insult here" girls get a guy and I am still single?" I want to say maybe because you're a self-involved hyper critical picky bitch, but I don't.

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Every time you tell a story about your father, I think of my mother, they would've gotten along great. She was a real pip.
lol I think that would extraordinarily bad sort of like getting the gatekeeper and the keymaster together *ghostbusters ref* Sorry to hear your mom was like that. I somehow feel like it's worse coming from a mom. My mom hated herself and to be sure she made me feel bad about my weight too, but mostly because she was heavy and didn't want me to go through what she had to.

She would always tell me that I could have any man I wanted if I put my heart into it...which I think it's just as crappy advice. You can't have whoever you want no matter how much you want them.
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Old 01-22-2012, 09:27 AM   #21
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[/QUOTE]
I've heard girls say about big girls or ugly girls they see on the street "how'd she get him? Why do all these "insert insult here" girls get a guy and I am still single?" I want to say maybe because you're a self-involved hyper critical picky bitch, but I don't.

[/QUOTE]

This is so funny because I remember years ago reading this article in some high fashion magazine written by this woman who was SHOCKED that her boyfriend had either left her for a "fat" woman or started dating a fat woman soon after they broke up. I think the article may have even been titled "My boyfriend left me for a fat woman" or something like that, you know, because that is SO shocking. In the article, she talks about calling all her friends together to discuss this and they get into all this psychoanalysis of why on earth this "normal" guy would choose to date a fat woman. It was so inconceivable to them. The whole time I'm sitting there thinking, "I know why. I can already tell by your writing that you're a f------ bitch." I guess they needed a fat lady to solve that mystery for them.
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Old 01-22-2012, 09:43 AM   #22
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This thread reminded me of this article, which I thought some of you might appreciate:

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/...e-ladies/8654/

It made me feel better about being picky and having high standards...it is good to know that there are other women out there, who, like me, are single because they're just too fabulous.
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Old 01-23-2012, 08:54 AM   #23
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My bestie actually tells me the opposite. He never thinks the guys I go out with are good enough for me. He's always saying I can do better.

On one hand, its wonderful knowing that my friend wants whats best for me and he's always pushing me to work for it... but sometimes HE'S too picky for me! Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever date a guy that he approves of completely!

My family never has a say in the matter, which doesnt bother me at all.
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Old 01-24-2012, 01:01 PM   #24
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I'm a guy. And there are a lot of good guys out there. Only we're usually shy or nervous. Sometimes with good guys. The women have to chase them. Like I have a friend that is a good guy. But the problem with most NICE GUYS, is that we are damaged goods. Being nice costs you in life. Eventually nice guys are either caught or become Antisocial. And nice guys usually attract women who want to use them. Because they are too nervous to actually go up to women. Nice guys have been rejected so much that we or they find that they just give up. A lot of women don't understand with a nice guy. That it is that, as said, we are damaged goods. And we need a woman to chase us a bit. Most nice guys are too shy to go up to a woman. Later.
I totally agree with this post. My son is a wonderful, caring, loving, nice man who has had more than his share of bitchy, cheating sluts. He is DONE - for now. His heart has been shattered and it will take a LOOOONG time and a very special lady to grab his attention again...and she will have to be the aggressor.

Hugs, home.
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Old 02-03-2012, 11:02 AM   #25
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Ive gotten the same thing from former friends about my taste in women.
One of my closest friends from HS openly told me he didnt want to hang out anymore because it was "embarrassing" to be seen with the guy who likes fat chicks.
I beat the crap out of another "friend" from HS because he wouldnt shut up about how sad it was that the only way I could get any was by "ugly fat chicks". I noted that he was just jealous because he knew his penis was too small to ever have sex with a big girl (crude and tasteless I know, I was very crude and tasteless at 17) and he was none too pleased.
My family seems to take more of an issue with my mates being white as opposed to their size but the combination of fat AND white definitely causes some "shame" for some of my family.
At this point I love the negativity, makes it very easy to remove people from my life who aren't contributing positively to it.
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