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Old 12-09-2011, 12:28 PM   #1
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Default I'm terrified.

Ok, I'm posting here because I don't know where else to turn. My boyfriend who I adore and am very very attracted to is having health problems which are clearly exacerbated by his weight. I'm of course worried for him and I want him to lose weight so he can be healthy and enjoy a long life if that is what it takes, despite my fears regarding that...

I feel like either he won't want me anymore once he's skinny and has his pick of skinny girls, probably unfounded since there are plenty of guys who really do love fat girls but I still can't get the thought out of my head... I'm also afraid that no matter how much I love him, I just won't be attracted to him any more and it will ruin our (going on 3 years) relationship. I've dated thin guys before, but I was never as happy with them. I feel really shallow and hate myself over this...

but my worst fear in this whole situation is because he's decided to have a sleeve gastrectomy. I've seen what his mom went through after having her weight loss surgery- the pain and suffering, hair falling out from malnutrition, not being able to keep any food down except soup, etc. and I don't want him to make a decision that will make the rest of his life hell, or possibly kill him on the operating table.

I just don't know what to do, I don't know what kind of response I'm looking for here, nobody will probably read this anyway. I just really needed to get my thoughts out somewhere. I barely slept last night after going to the doctor with him and finding out exactly how bad his health is. I feel so guilty for being attracted to him, like what if it's my fault he hasn't been able to lose weight the safe way?

I'm obviously a bad person one way or another.
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Old 12-09-2011, 01:31 PM   #2
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Default I Wish You Peace

I wish you peace through this. Your concern, for all the right reasons, shows that you're a great person. There might not even be a right answer to this situation, so the least bad might be the best anyone can do. As an FA, I would feel a lot like you, if presented the same circumstances. To the best of my knowledge, prognosis for WLS is high survival rate. The potential for regain, psychological issues, and quality of life after surgery are still issues to be considered. Your boyfriend needs to know all the facts, medical and other, before he makes his binding decision. Counseling for all involved may help. May his decision be wise and be the best he can make.
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Old 12-09-2011, 04:46 PM   #3
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Thank you, imfree, for the kind words. He's a nursing student so he knows what he's getting into better than I do. I'm sure, in the logical part of my mind, that my fears are mostly unwarranted. I just can't shake this feeling that something terrible is going to come from this. Counseling would be a good thing, if only I knew where I could find a counselor who wouldn't think I'm a sick freak for my attractions.
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Old 12-09-2011, 05:17 PM   #4
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I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. As a constant worrier myself I can totally sympathize with your anxiety over the possibility of diminished attraction on one part or the other. I wish the best for both of you.

As far as counseling... You might be surprised. You might not. I do remember telling my psychologist I was dating a couple who were in their 50s when I was 20 being a surprising event. The psych just said, "Does that make you happy?" And I said yes, and she said, "Well then it's no one's business but yours." (The conversation came up because I told her I didn't know how to break that to Mom and Dad).

At any rate, I hope you find a good, steady outlet. If you ever need to talk feel free to send me a PM. And good luck and happy holidays to you both.
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Old 12-09-2011, 10:07 PM   #5
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You're not a bad person for anything you've said here, and your attraction to what you like in another person is not something that harms them.

We're all made different and follow different paths in life. I am a fat woman and I have always been a fat woman. My partners have liked that and I have appreciated their enjoyment of me for who I am, inside and out. They in NO WAY play a role in my body, be it bigger or smaller.

That doesn't mean that my body changing isn't a factor in a relationship where attraction is a part, but as the owner of my body, there is no way in hell another person is carrying responsibility for it, my health, my desires, etc. We're not nearly as puppet-master as we all seem to think - people run their own lives.

As for your concerns, they're well-founded and I think it's worth expressing them - about the procedure and safety of it, NOT about the resulting changes to his body - that's a different conversation for a different time. You can be concerned about both things independently, they are not necessarily linked.

You're worried about someone you love being hurt, harmed, killed, disabled, etc.

You're worried about someone you have a physical relationship changing in ways that make that attraction lessen or disappear - AND IT IS OK TO WORRY ABOUT THAT. It's human... you're allowed.

Treat the issues as such - different, but somewhat intersecting. But you just can't make it seem like your concern over surgery and its possible complications are combined with the fear/uncertainty over long-term attraction.

Best of luck to you both.
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:35 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChubbyPuppy View Post
I feel like either he won't want me anymore once he's skinny and has his pick of skinny girls, probably unfounded since there are plenty of guys who really do love fat girls but I still can't get the thought out of my head...
Think of this as a way finding out if he really wanted you or was just settling for you. Just remember he's likely to only lose 70% to 80% of his amount of "overweight" and that over the next 3 to 5 years post-op, he's probably going to regain at least 25% of what he lost. For most average women, that is probably a deal breaker and they'll cut him loose.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChubbyPuppy View Post
I'm also afraid that no matter how much I love him, I just won't be attracted to him any more and it will ruin our (going on 3 years) relationship. I've dated thin guys before, but I was never as happy with them. I feel really shallow and hate myself over this...
This is a much harder problem. If deep down you're really a FFA you will have lost one third of what attracts and binds you to him. Worrying about losing some facet of attraction is called being human.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChubbyPuppy View Post
I just don't know what to do, I don't know what kind of response I'm looking for here, nobody will probably read this anyway. I just really needed to get my thoughts out somewhere. I barely slept last night after going to the doctor with him and finding out exactly how bad his health is. I feel so guilty for being attracted to him, like what if it's my fault he hasn't been able to lose weight the safe way?

I'm obviously a bad person one way or another.
First and foremost you've got to accept that he will being losing weight to try and relieve some of his health issues. (Whether or not it will work is another discussion.) If the insurance company (or bariatric practice) requires some amount of weight loss by dieting before surgery, you should help him to be successful. You may encourage him to continue dieting & exercise and wait for the WLS until he plateaus out. With any luck that will have you deciding whether or not to stay with a healthier-but-smaller BF vs. one that has only exchanged one set of comorbidities for another.

When my wife and I have discussed our prior failed relationships, she had a great line that may fit here: "just because you love them doesn't make it right". Sometimes the nearest misses really hurt the worst. Good luck.

Last edited by HereticFA; 12-19-2011 at 11:36 AM. Reason: fix typo
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Old 12-25-2011, 11:32 PM   #7
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChubbyPuppy View Post
Ok, I'm posting here because I don't know where else to turn. My boyfriend who I adore and am very very attracted to is having health problems which are clearly exacerbated by his weight. I'm of course worried for him and I want him to lose weight so he can be healthy and enjoy a long life if that is what it takes, despite my fears regarding that...

I feel like either he won't want me anymore once he's skinny and has his pick of skinny girls, probably unfounded since there are plenty of guys who really do love fat girls but I still can't get the thought out of my head... I'm also afraid that no matter how much I love him, I just won't be attracted to him any more and it will ruin our (going on 3 years) relationship. I've dated thin guys before, but I was never as happy with them. I feel really shallow and hate myself over this...

but my worst fear in this whole situation is because he's decided to have a sleeve gastrectomy. I've seen what his mom went through after having her weight loss surgery- the pain and suffering, hair falling out from malnutrition, not being able to keep any food down except soup, etc. and I don't want him to make a decision that will make the rest of his life hell, or possibly kill him on the operating table.

I just don't know what to do, I don't know what kind of response I'm looking for here, nobody will probably read this anyway. I just really needed to get my thoughts out somewhere. I barely slept last night after going to the doctor with him and finding out exactly how bad his health is. I feel so guilty for being attracted to him, like what if it's my fault he hasn't been able to lose weight the safe way?

I'm obviously a bad person one way or another
.
Chubby Puppy,
You have some serious things you need to straighten out girlfriend. I went thru the paragraphs you wrote and underlined the negatives things you listed about yourself, the fears you have of your boyfriend’s upcoming surgery and your future. I counted 16 negative images within 4 or so paragraphs.

There is very little positive within what you wrote. What you need to know is that the success of a patient’s surgery is very closely tied to having a positive attitude and having a good (and supportive) caretaker. Going into the surgery with a good attitude and support of family is also valuable. You must give your loved one positive moral support and also show it to the surgeon, the nurses and other hospital staff. Never, never act like he is going to die on the operating table. This is a horrible thing to do to him and in my opinion would be putting way too much pressure on the surgical team.

If your loved one has already decided to have WLS, you need to support him. I assume he is way beyond the stage of deciding yes or no. If this is true, you should support him or leave him. Recovery from WLS is hard (I have done it myself) and he will need someone to be kind, supportive, and helpful.

Will you love him a year from now? Will he love you a year from now? Hopefully. But WLS has nothing to do with this. Your heart may find another guy in 12 months. His heart may lust after another fat girl 12 months from now. Being fat or skinny has no more to do with it than being blond or brunette. What may help is getting married. This makes an official commitment for you two to love each other thru sickness and in health. It makes your bond stronger and you will work harder to stay together.

Back to your self image. You really are too hard on yourself. You need to work on a more positive image for yourself. Quit being hard on you. I think you are your worst enemy. An example of this is the last sentence of your post - you really must stop thinking, writing, and acting like this. (Look at my signature quote.)

Get some sources on self image improvement and study them. Develop a positive mantra. Stop listening to personal criticism (unless it’s vital to your existence). Example – Do not drive down that road. The bridge is washed out.

Stop looking for the dark side of everything. Assume things will turn out okay. If something doesn’t go just right – make it turn out right. Example – His mom who got malnutrition after WLS. There was no excuse for that. My WL surgeon gave us explicit instructions for avoiding this involving exactly what to eat – down to the gram and daily % protein, number and type of multivitamins, and twenty other necessaries. Any malnutrition was a deliberate act (or forced by destitution).

Personal P.S.
My Five years post surgery
– I have gained a lot of my weight back, but this who thing has been a hell of an adventure. My main problem was a lack of ability to exercise (required in WLS) due to my multiple sclerosis (bummer!).
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Old 12-27-2011, 11:22 AM   #8
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Dear ChubbyPuppy,

Just to hold down confusion, I changed the quote on my signature at the bottom of my posts this morning. What I wrote no longer applies to positive self images. Just thought I'd make the water clearer.

M2M

I hope you and your BF are doing okay this morning.
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