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Old 02-23-2012, 12:47 AM   #26
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I can only think this was a mod mistake
Ah, optimism.

Surely the mods aren't moving threads based on the titles alone...
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Old 02-23-2012, 12:52 AM   #27
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I try, Wag. To think otherwise is just too frustrating a commentary.
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Old 02-23-2012, 12:52 AM   #28
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Ain't that the truth.

#occupydims
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Old 02-23-2012, 12:56 AM   #29
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It couldn't possibly have anything to do with moving a topic at least in part about feederism to a board where feederism is protected from having bad things said about it.
I thought that would actually be the Weight Board, not Fat Sexuality.
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Old 02-23-2012, 12:57 AM   #30
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Well its been ages since I've had winey whiny posts haha to bed -------->
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Old 02-23-2012, 12:57 AM   #31
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You are correct; the "(No Longer Erotic) Weight Gain" subforum appears to be the "protected" one...

ANOTHER TWEEST
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Old 02-23-2012, 01:06 AM   #32
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That would also be a horrible board for the subject. I think the post was placed correctly by the OP. But what do I know?
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Old 02-23-2012, 04:32 AM   #33
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abuse is terrible in all forms. we cling as human beings to bits of power and security, comforts, things we know to be true. the abuser needs to know the other person in the relationship can't leave. and in that twisted way the 'victim' comes to need it to, like stockhausen syndrome. it's pointless to generalize about individual situations and human interaction though. everyone has an impossibly complex hierarchy of needs. one may end up compromising their own self respect just so that some of those needs can be met .. it's best just never to judge.


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That would also be a horrible board for the subject. I think the post was placed correctly by the OP. But what do I know?
i agree with this. there's nothing sexual about abuse. but i am getting my 2 cents while it's in a forum i'm allowed to post in.

i do also think knee jerk reactions and chasing phantom evil feeders solves nothing. it's more of an understanding thing.
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I wish there was a board called: Let's Just All Be Fucking Honest With Each Other For Five Minutes.

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Old 02-23-2012, 04:33 AM   #34
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I am pretty shocked and upset to see that my post has been moved to the 'Fat sexuality' board. I was talking about women I have met who have been abused. There is nothing sexual about that. Well certainly not for the women being abused. (I thought this board was about discussing turn ons and sex? If so moving the post to here is sick) Like Elaine, the women I know have been manipulated when they were vulnerable and food happened to be the weapon of choice.
For one of my friends the boyfriend who treated her this way actually had no preference for big women and didn't get off on weight gain but he wanted her to be fatter because he thought then that he could control her and she wouldn't leave her. The other women are members of 'The fat community' and were taken in under false pretences.
I agree with Tina that it seems very wrong to invalidate the experiences of other women by saying things like 'Oh that doesn't happen' or 'Women need to take responsibility over themselves'. Clearly this sort of thing does happen right here in this community and saying that women should take responsibility over themselves severely underestimates the power that abusers have over the abused. No matter how strong you think you are, you can be worn down by manipulation and in some cases people wont even know what is happening to them until it is too late.
I also think it is very invalidating to say something along the lines of 'Oh well. I decide what I put in my mouth. End of discussion'. Really, this is great news for the person asserting the fact but it sends a message that the women who have been manipulated and abused are somehow not as strong. If only they had more self control then it wouldn't happen to them. I don't actually understand why anyone would feel that they had to say It didn't/doesn't happen to them in a thread asking women to share their experiences of a specific thing happening to them and how to avoid it. It just doesn't seem helpful, to say the least.
Moving this post from a safe non sexually specific forum to one which is not protected and deals with sex would be like an S n M site moving a post about abuse of power and how to avoid relationships like that to a forum where people discuss fantasies about abuse of power. These are real women who have been abused!. This whole thing is making me feel ill. Will there be any explanation of why the post was moved? Like I say, I haven't posted here in a while and I see the mod team have changed.
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Old 02-23-2012, 05:04 AM   #35
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Originally Posted by Tina View Post
That would also be a horrible board for the subject. I think the post was placed correctly by the OP. But what do I know?
Seconded.

The OP posted on a forum specifically to place it within a protected set of rules.
This is the inverse of the issue I was thrashing out yesterday, with the twist that it's been moved into a space where the protection the OP sought does not exist even upon request.

If the thread can't or won't be moved back to the intended board, it should be deleted in its entirety. To do neither, is a significant disservice to the OP, and will discourage such posting by her and others in the future. It would also strongly suggest that it is site policy to discourage discussion of the topic.

And note that the topic isn't consensual activities between adults (perfectly consistent with site policy) or even fantasy non-consensual activities, but deceptive and manipulative behavior in the real world.

-Rusty
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Old 02-23-2012, 06:12 AM   #36
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Interestingly, consider how the flip-side of the OP's post would be handled if it was put up on the "Weight Gain" subforum. This would be a "closet feeder" seeking advice on how to get an unknowing girlfriend/spouse to put on weight through enticement or trickery, and how best to manipulate women to that end. Oh, and add a bit of grousing about how women "overreact" to catching him at it.
Under a strict reading of that subforum's rules, anyone calling him out on it could be subject to having their posts edited or deleted, or being banned from that subforum.

To be fair, though, in the most recent analogous thread I found there (a year or so old), the rules were not so literally applied.

-Rusty

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Old 02-23-2012, 08:22 AM   #37
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Honestly though Tina, the way the OP is speaking really seems to shit ALL over most of the men here. It makes me feel ill. Yes there are men who are abusive, but the majority ARE NOT.
This would only be true if most of the men here were 'secret feeders'. I didn't actually say this, in fact my post talked specifically about four instances of this happening. I'm not sure why my post has made you feel so defensive and ill. Anyway, I'm more concerned with finding ways to identify these type of abusers within the Fat community than I am with trying to understand people whose hackles get raised at the mere suggestion that this type of abuse is happening. Which clearly as people have testified it is.
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Old 02-23-2012, 08:24 AM   #38
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" Abusers are by their very nature very adept at manipulating their victims and hiding the truth until it is too late to safely escape the relationship. "

That's the thing I think a lot of people don't get. Paying attention to red flags is very important, but with an abuser who is at the top of their game, there may never even *be* any red flags until you're so far into it that just walking away isn't a safe or realistic option. And then when you do realize what's going on and make up your mind to leave, they've got something hanging over you to keep you around or at the very least keep you around until a safe exit opportunity comes along.

Why do strong, intelligent, self-aware people get involved in these situations? Because we're not operating on the same mental level. We aren't constantly looking for an "in" to control and manipulate, no matter how small it might be. We aren't devoting a good portion of our mental energy into playing elaborate mind-games meant to decieve and confuse. We don't see the red flags because we'd never think to see them as red flags. They're that subtle and that outside of our way of thinking.

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Old 02-23-2012, 09:51 AM   #39
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Originally Posted by furious styles View Post
abuse is terrible in all forms. we cling as human beings to bits of power and security, comforts, things we know to be true. the abuser needs to know the other person in the relationship can't leave. and in that twisted way the 'victim' comes to need it to, like stockhausen syndrome. it's pointless to generalize about individual situations and human interaction though. everyone has an impossibly complex hierarchy of needs. one may end up compromising their own self respect just so that some of those needs can be met .. it's best just never to judge.




i agree with this. there's nothing sexual about abuse. but i am getting my 2 cents while it's in a forum i'm allowed to post in.

i do also think knee jerk reactions and chasing phantom evil feeders solves nothing. it's more of an understanding thing.
Pretty much all of this.
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Old 02-23-2012, 10:39 AM   #40
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I have met and dated and been involved with four different men I met through Dimensions. They would only profess to being fat admirers. It wasn't until after they knew that I had developed emotions for them that they let the "closet feeder" side of themselves be known. Three turned out to be controling, manipulative, and cruel. Three wanted me to become as huge as possible; as near to immobility as possible. They were emotionally manipulative. If they didn't get what they wanted or see the results they desired they withheld their affection; or worse, made very hurtful and critical remarks about my already SSBBW ~500 pound fat body.

Thank God each of them also turned ot to be cheaters and liars. Even if I'm emotionally attached, I can close the door on a cheater and liar.

To those who think you are too strong for it to happen to you, you don't understand how these men operate. (these men meaning the closet feeders who hide behind the guise of FA and who are also sadistic, controling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive)

-this from someone who has nothing against those having feeder tendancies or proclivities and who was open to dating feeders


-------

that's not even including the ones who were the same kind of apples that I hadn't yet met.

one other thing I have noticed is that these kinds of closet feeders seem to go after the larger SSBBW. I think they believe it would be easier to talk a super super fatty into gaining even more. Like what's another 100 or 200 pounds gonna matter?

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Old 02-23-2012, 10:50 AM   #41
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Dear God, I'm so sorry that happened to you Angel. It's shocking and just terrible but I think at least when women speak out about it happening to them it inspires others to speak out too. You have a lot of courage sharing your story. Elaine too. xx
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Old 02-23-2012, 10:55 AM   #42
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the abuser needs to know the other person in the relationship can't leave. and in that twisted way the 'victim' comes to need it to, like stockhausen syndrome.
I just asked my partner if she had heard of Stockhausen syndrome and she said no. Do you mean Stockholm syndrome? If so, that would make sense.
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:00 AM   #43
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Originally Posted by furious styles View Post
abuse is terrible in all forms. we cling as human beings to bits of power and security, comforts, things we know to be true. the abuser needs to know the other person in the relationship can't leave. and in that twisted way the 'victim' comes to need it to, like stockhausen syndrome. it's pointless to generalize about individual situations and human interaction though. everyone has an impossibly complex hierarchy of needs. one may end up compromising their own self respect just so that some of those needs can be met .. it's best just never to judge.




i agree with this. there's nothing sexual about abuse. but i am getting my 2 cents while it's in a forum i'm allowed to post in.

i do also think knee jerk reactions and chasing phantom evil feeders solves nothing. it's more of an understanding thing.
excellent post

though there are some evil feeders out there... but being a feeder isn't what makes them evil
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:02 AM   #44
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Stockhausen sounds like a contraction of Stockholm and Munchausen, which actually seems like a perfect encapsulation.

I'm glad that some good conversation is able to come out of this, despite the forum move (which really goes against the ideas when we founded the BBW board), and some attempts at distraction and invalidation. To try to claim that such things almost never happen is just as disingenuous as trying to claim it almost always happens.

There are often more good people in the world than we think on our bad, pessimistic days, and often more twisted people in the world than we think on our good, optimistic days.

ETA: It's good to see you again, Golden!
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:18 AM   #45
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If the thread can't or won't be moved back to the intended board, it should be deleted in its entirety. To do neither, is a significant disservice to the OP, and will discourage such posting by her and others in the future. It would also strongly suggest that it is site policy to discourage discussion of the topic.
Another "fair" option would be to restart the thread in the BBW Forum, with just the original post and a link to this thread for reference -- and then lock this one after adding a post explaining the situation and linking to the restarted thread.

This would minimize moderator workload and disruption to this thread as it presently exists, while permitting discussion to continue within the rules that the OP expected to apply when she started the thread.

Maybe I'm over-thinking this, though.

-Rusty
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:31 AM   #46
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Yikes. If I post that rape thread I've been meaning to start, I hope it doesn't get moved to the sexuality board. Can I put in a request for that now, please?
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Old 02-23-2012, 01:13 PM   #47
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Yikes. If I post that rape thread I've been meaning to start, I hope it doesn't get moved to the sexuality board. Can I put in a request for that now, please?
I'm not sure if you're serious, but you're making a very good point.

Consider including a warning in the post, such as, "In accordance with the BBW Forum's rules, I am requesting feedback only from BBWs. Moderators will take action against anyone replying to this thread who isn't a BBW."*

It would make an unrequested forum-move obvious. If your disclaimer gets edited or deleted after the move, well, that would be a disappointing variety of obvious as well.

And no, I'm not TRYING to be obtuse. If you want to make sure disruptive or undesired posters stay away or get modslapped, warn them before they start, and let the mods know that's what you want**. Or, get the forum rules changed so that replies there are limited to BBWs except when otherwise requested (which is an idea very worthy of moderator/management consideration).

Sorry for dragging the meta-discussion out for so long, but I'm not quite sure where else to have it.

*tailored as appropriate, consistent with that forum's rules.
**and quoting the rule you want enforced gives the mods a head-start.

-Rusty

Last edited by CleverBomb; 02-23-2012 at 01:19 PM.
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Old 02-23-2012, 02:36 PM   #48
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I also think it might be useful to reframe the discussion a little bit. I don't really think its fair or accurate to view this as: "the FA's of the secretly manipulative feeder nature", but rather "abusive/manipulative douchebags who--for any reason--use fat and feeding as a way of control." My interpretation is that--by definition--in a 'real' feeding/gaining relationship, both partners are in control and find a mutual sexual gratification in bringing food and fat into the bedroom in a heightened way.

One couple might like to travel. But if a second couple has one partner manipulating/forcing/kidnapping the other to take a trip somewhere--we are talking about something altogether different. It could be argued that it might even be okay to imbue upon your partner a taste for travel perhaps; but only someone with serious psychological issues would go so far as to actually manipulate their partner to travel with them knowingly against his/her best wishes. That's why kidnapping is illegal, but leisure travel is not.

Secondly, I don't think someone should be necessarily critiqued for asking for tools to make them less vulnerable to abuse. It is never the victim's fault--I absolutely agree with that--but I think it is dangerous to argue that arming people with tactics to avoid abuse must imply their culpability for that abuse. Fault and agency are two importantly different things.

Without "coming to the aid of feeders" or anyone else here, I thought that it would be good to add these thoughts to keep this discussion accurate and useful.
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Last edited by Jay West Coast; 02-23-2012 at 02:44 PM.
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Old 02-23-2012, 02:44 PM   #49
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Hmmm, I wonder if there's a direct correlation between men hiding that information until later and the mostly negative/villainous way that men into feeding are portrayed and viewed by the majority of women here.

I'm not saying it's a fault of anyone, but I think it's very much a chicken/egg scenario and there's a lot of issues that play into how open people are with their sexual kinks.

I've slept with people who never knew my inner wants, only after time would I bring them up, and only if I thought there was a reason. I want to be open, but I'm not going to lay myself bare while I'm getting to know someone.
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Old 02-23-2012, 02:44 PM   #50
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CleverBomb View Post
I'm not sure if you're serious, but you're making a very good point.
Serious.





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