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Old 02-23-2012, 03:25 PM   #51
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Originally Posted by AnnMarie View Post
Hmmm, I wonder if there's a direct correlation between men hiding that information until later and the mostly negative/villainous way that men into feeding are portrayed and viewed by the majority of women here.

I'm not saying it's a fault of anyone, but I think it's very much a chicken/egg scenario and there's a lot of issues that play into how open people are with their sexual kinks.

I've slept with people who never knew my inner wants, only after time would I bring them up, and only if I thought there was a reason. I want to be open, but I'm not going to lay myself bare while I'm getting to know someone.
If women weren't having negative/villainous experiences, there wouldn't be the negative/villainous portrayals. I don't see a causality ambiguity.
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Old 02-23-2012, 03:28 PM   #52
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It just occurred to me why this thread was moved. I'm a little slow on the uptake, but I get it now. It was moved so the feeders could defend their fetish from the OP's "negative/villainous" portrayal.

That's really sad, folks.
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Old 02-23-2012, 03:50 PM   #53
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From what I read, this isn't even about the "fetish", it's about people who use it as a means of abuse. The OP stated this already.

There is a HUGE difference between a person who gets their rocks off from feeding someone and a person who gets their rocks off from purposely wanting to hurt someone.

And I am sure that many people who have been abused or in an abusive relationship have said to themselves or someone else "I never thought it would happen to me".

This is not a sexy thread, please move it.

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Old 02-23-2012, 05:28 PM   #54
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It just occurred to me why this thread was moved. I'm a little slow on the uptake, but I get it now. It was moved so the feeders could defend their fetish from the OP's "negative/villainous" portrayal.

That's really sad, folks.
It's evident it was moved for an opportunity to defend but if the OP was about ABUSE and not feedism or erotic eating as mentioned or ANY fetish, then why does abuse needed to be defended?
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Old 02-23-2012, 06:19 PM   #55
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Hm. Pretty devastating posts by survivors. I just want to say I admire you both, CP and Angel, so much for taking care of yourselves.
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Old 02-23-2012, 09:43 PM   #56
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I just asked my partner if she had heard of Stockhausen syndrome and she said no. Do you mean Stockholm syndrome? If so, that would make sense.
lol yes, neural misfire. confused between two terms.

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Stockhausen sounds like a contraction of Stockholm and Munchausen, which actually seems like a perfect encapsulation.
i mean ... yes, i meant to do that.
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Old 02-24-2012, 03:50 AM   #57
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Hmmm, I wonder if there's a direct correlation between men hiding that information until later and the mostly negative/villainous way that men into feeding are portrayed and viewed by the majority of women here.
If women don't want to be with a feeder and express the fact it doesn't excuse people pretending they aren't into feeding to get with that woman. That would be really deceptive. It sounds like you are blaming women for becoming victims of abuse merely for expressing what they think.
Although actually, it hasn't been my experience that the majority of women here do portray and view feeders 'negatively' or as 'villainous'. This space seems to be very feeder friendly in fact, what with the various boards where it is fine to discuss the fetish. (There is even a protected board where the exploration of that fetish can't be questioned in anything other than a positive light). Feedism seems to be such a huge part of this site that even this post, directed at fat women had to be moved so that the feeders could also have their say, when really the post is not about fetish but about abuse and women's experiences of that.
So, I wouldn't say there is a 'direct correlation' between women speaking negatively about feeders (Is that even allowed here actually?) as I think there are probably a number of reasons why people would hide a fetish/part of their sexual make-up. I do think it could be a factor but then so what? Women are allowed to express what they don't like or want sexually. It's not their fault then when people do the thing they don't want to them anyway.
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Old 02-24-2012, 07:03 AM   #58
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I'm sorry, Lainey. It's one thing to be in a feeding relationship by choice, and quite another to have someone slipping things into your food that will give the person control over you. You're not in control then; the other person is. One is only in control if one is aware of exactly what one is eating. You want to eat a whole cake? Fine. But if you're receiving an extra pound of butter in your soup or weight gain powder in your drink on the sly, not even close to fine. And in my mind, criminal.
I agree. That's as good as poisoning someone. Especially if they die of health complications as a result of this behaviour.
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Old 02-24-2012, 07:51 AM   #59
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between women speaking negatively about feeders ...[snip]
as I think there are probably a number of reasons why people would hide a fetish/part of their sexual make-up. .
GD, I think you're really talking about women speaking negatively about abusers* (regardless of type)

and of course abusers lie about their abuse and the abusive part of their sexual make-up. Qui s'excuse s'accuse (he who excuses himself accuses himself). That's standard practice and hardly any victim's fault.


*which is why the move to the sexuality board is boggling my mind
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Old 02-24-2012, 08:30 AM   #60
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Absolutely Jes. My initial post was certainly about abuse and I am really confused as to why it has been moved to the sexuality board. I was being more specific there in reply to AnnMarie's hypothesis that 'feeders hide their sexuality because women on here are negative toward them'. Hiding the fact you are feeding someone Is abuse though so I don't think it can be excused and I think it's strange to blame women for abuse perpetrated by anyone.
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Old 02-24-2012, 09:30 AM   #61
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Absolutely Jes. My initial post was certainly about abuse and I am really confused as to why it has been moved to the sexuality board. I was being more specific there in reply to AnnMarie's hypothesis that 'feeders hide their sexuality because women on here are negative toward them'. Hiding the fact you are feeding someone Is abuse though so I don't think it can be excused and I think it's strange to blame women for abuse perpetrated by anyone.
Should I hide my fat b/c male FAs can be really negative about fat women at Dims? I mean, it seems like a ridiculous chicken/egg, cart/horse, big fat denial/big fat denial workaround to me.
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Old 02-24-2012, 08:03 PM   #62
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If women weren't having negative/villainous experiences, there wouldn't be the negative/villainous portrayals. I don't see a causality ambiguity.
Quite, darling.

Quite.
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Old 02-25-2012, 07:05 AM   #63
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It couldn't possibly have anything to do with moving a topic at least in part about feederism to a board where feederism is protected from having bad things said about it.
Thus trashing the entire point of having a feedism*-positive board. But, wait a minute! I don't think "Fat Sexuality" is the feedism-positive board. No, that would be the Weight board. So, that's a non-issue in this case.

Either way:
This thread started off with the OP requesting support/information (for people she knows) from women on the BBW board, which was an entirely appropriate place for it to be, and people were responding to the OP over there fine. So, why not move it back over there?



(*Feedism is a much more accurate term. Feederism implies there must be a feeder involved. As many gainers are self-feeding feedees, who are not in a relationship with a feeder, it's absurd to refer to their sexuality as feederism)
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Old 02-25-2012, 07:10 AM   #64
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*snip*

i do also think knee jerk reactions and chasing phantom evil feeders solves nothing. it's more of an understanding thing.
^"Ohmigod! It was Mr Williams, the carnie! In a rubber mask! All along!"

"Curse you meddling kids! I'd've gotten away with it, if it wasn't for you..." etc.

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Old 02-25-2012, 07:24 AM   #65
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From what I read, this isn't even about the "fetish", it's about people who use it as a means of abuse. The OP stated this already.

There is a HUGE difference between a person who gets their rocks off from feeding someone and a person who gets their rocks off from purposely wanting to hurt someone.

And I am sure that many people who have been abused or in an abusive relationship have said to themselves or someone else "I never thought it would happen to me".

This is not a sexy thread, please move it.
Exactly! The OP even went further and pointed out in a later post that one of the men who had been manipulating one of her friends wasn't a feeder at all. I've read plenty of accounts over the years about the abusive partner who isn't attracted to their fat partner, but keeps them fat out of twisted jealousy / control / "so no-one else will want them"(so very untrue, of course). Actually nothing to do with feedism as sexuality at all. It's about control/manipulation/deception of the unwilling.

Seems we're all agreed - this thread doesn't belong here, it should be moved back to the protected support-group of BBW board.
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Old 02-25-2012, 09:02 AM   #66
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I like penis with whipped cream on it. Makin' it more sexual in this thread.
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Old 02-25-2012, 10:19 AM   #67
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If women weren't having negative/villainous experiences, there wouldn't be the negative/villainous portrayals. I don't see a causality ambiguity.
I'm sure that the prevalence of this has nothing to do with a dismissal of positive experiences as anomalous and/or of people who willingly and consensually partake in feeding relationships as delusional.
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Old 02-25-2012, 11:52 AM   #68
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If women weren't having negative/villainous experiences, there wouldn't be the negative/villainous portrayals. I don't see a causality ambiguity.
Thank you.

It takes a lot of courage for a woman (or man) to finally be able to speak about or even give hints as to any abuse (be it emotional, physical, or sexual) they have endured. It takes sometimes years to even be able to admit it to another soul. It is emotionally painful to work through and emotionally painful to even think about revealing the slightest bit of information; especially when those who inflicted the pain or abuse are very likely to read what has been posted here.

Abuse is abuse. There is NO excuse for it, no matter what kind of abuse it is (or was). It doesn't matter in what context it was dished out. It doesn't matter if the abuser had previously heard a thousand women say that a specific action is questionable in their opinion. An abuser keeps his (or her) chosen way of inflicting abuse secret until he (or she) has gained complete trust and until he (or she) knows there are very strong emotional bonds. The way an abuser operates is precalculated and premeditated. They know exactly what their end desire is; and they have no consideration for the desires, wants, or needs of anyone but themselves. Sure, they play a game of *caring* and even of being supportive; but only up until a certain point. Then it is their way, and their way only.

If this were a forum where the focus was about alternative life styles that involved some forum participants liking, being into, and participating in various forms of rough sex, humiliation, bondage, etc. and a couple women related that they had been misled or abused well beyond what is considered acceptable in that kind of community, would excuses be made for the abusers or for those who took things way too far? Lots of the female forum participants like rough sex, but also lots of them speak out about not liking anal sex. So some men on the forum won't admit to liking or fantasising about anal sex because so many women are adversed to it. A man pretends to be one thing, gains a woman's trust, abuses that trust, and physically or emotionally abuses her in a way that relates to a very sadistic and unacceptable side of the general lifestyle. Say he does the thing that many women disapprove of. Without the woman's conscent. Is the fact that he kept quiet about his desires the fault of those women who spoke about their dislike for anal sex?

When someone abuses, no matter what context or by what method or means or lifestyle, the only blame lies with the abuser. The abuser chooses his mode or method to abuse. He choses the avenues and paths he uses. All of the deception he uses is of his own accord.

The men I was involved with had absolutely NO reason to hide anything from me. Each of them knew that I had been involved with feeders in the past. Each of them knew I had no issues with dating or becoming involved with someone who was a feeder. I have posted a couple times in the past that it's not the young guys here who openly admit to being feeders that you have to worry about. The ones that post pics of themselves, participate here, openly date BBW and SSBBW, and who are not ashamed for their family and friends (outside of the BBW/FA community!) to know they are attracted to fat women are not anything like those that hid their preferences.

The true FAs and the young feeders I have come to know HATE that there are these other kind of men who hide behind the cloak or guise of FAs. They (the abusers) are the ones who give the good FAs, the true FAs, and the nice guys who happen to be encouragers or feeders a bad rep. The guys that are feeders and encouragers know the difference between someone who is legit and someone who is an abuser.

I wish those who blame everyone else but the abusers could see the difference, too.

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Old 02-25-2012, 12:35 PM   #69
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I'm sure that the prevalence of this has nothing to do with a dismissal of positive experiences as anomalous and/or of people who willingly and consensually partake in feeding relationships as delusional.
This thread is about abuse by closet feeders. If you want to make a positive contribution to the cause you so love, go kick the asses of the closet feeders who abuse women and sully your 'good' name.
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Old 02-25-2012, 01:04 PM   #70
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This thread is about abuse by closet feeders. If you want to make a positive contribution to the cause you so love, go kick the asses of the closet feeders who abuse women and sully your 'good' name.
I can't rep you, so think of this as public rep.

Lainey, I'm sorry that man did that to you. You are really brave to be able to leave.

I have NOTHING against consensual feeder/feedee relationships. If that's how you WANT to live your life, feel free. But this isn't about that. It's about people like Lainey's ex.

I had an ex that would encourage me to eat, which was fine. Until he started using it as a means of controlling me. I was 19, had gone through a huge amount of pain, and I thought that he was what I needed in my life. If I didn't agree to eat something, go to a restaurant, or anything else he wanted, he's use emotional blackmail. To give a hint as to how good he was at this: His ex (who was actually STILL with him when he was with me. I was the other woman, which is another story entirely) was my size (at the time, I was at most maybe 200 pounds) when she met him. Between him and her terrible pregnancy, she gained 300 pounds. (To clarify: She almost died giving birth to their son because she went into sepsis. I mean it was a terrible pregnancy.)

I left him after he beat me to a bloody pulp and put me in the ICU. That wasn't over food.
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Old 02-25-2012, 01:20 PM   #71
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I'm sure that the prevalence of this has nothing to do with a dismissal of positive experiences as anomalous and/or of people who willingly and consensually partake in feeding relationships as delusional.
Just because some women happen to enjoy Rape fantasy doesn't justify Rape or justify making out that when it happens to women it is somehow in some way their fault. It's horrible that this dialogue is happening at all. I started a thread about abuse, it was then sexualized by moving it to a sexuality board and most disgusting of all some people tried to make excuses for it or give reasons as to why it might even be the women's fault.
Thank you to the women who despite this have told their stories. I can see now why this must be particularly difficult for you. Of the women I know on the fat scene that this has happened to they all seem reluctant to speak out or to publicly confront their 'feeders'. (Obviously not secret in the end). In many cases the abuser has control over them even when they leave/the relationship ends. I would imagine by seeing some of the responses to this thread they might also feel that they wouldn't get the full community backing that they deserve. I can't imagine how invalidating and probably psychologically harmful it would be not to have a safe space in which to discuss their abuse but instead to have what happened to them opened up for a free for all, which includes denial, talk of people who do 'Like it', the idea that it's the woman's fault obviously and so on. I hope my friends find the courage to 'come out' and talk about their abuse and abusers some day.
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Old 02-25-2012, 01:25 PM   #72
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Deven. Thank you for sharing that. It was really brave of you. I wish you all the best for the future and hope you can somehow get over (as much as you can do) the horrendous things that happened to you. Again Elaine and Angel it will mean a lot to my friends to know that they were not alone and actually this is more common than people think in 'The fat community'. I am so sorry this happened to you all. xx
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Old 02-25-2012, 01:57 PM   #73
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Sorry, I think I misread a bit. Been a bit on the grumpy side lately and jumped to an argument I shouldn't have.

(And for the record, I really agree that this forum isn't the place for this topic.)
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Old 02-25-2012, 02:48 PM   #74
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Of the women I know on the fat scene that this has happened to they all seem reluctant to speak out or to publicly confront their 'feeders'.
Each individual has discovered or was introduced to the fat scene or BBW/FA community in their own unique way. Some were looking for acceptance as a fat individual. Some were looking for a place where they might finally fit in. Some were looking for parties. Some were looking for dates. Some were looking for photos. Some were looking for friendship. Some were introduced by friends or significant others.

At first everything is mind boggling to discover that such a "community" even exists. Some of us have never known anyone else our size. Some of us were always made to feel ashamed for being fat. Some of us never knew there were others who found fat individuals sexually appealing. Some of us have felt different our entire lives. Some don't understand why they feel the way they do, and it goes against the norm. Now there is a place were we kind of fit in. It's fun. Individuals participate. Then you begin to notice things.

Women are chastised for calling men out if they (the men) display inappropriate behavior towards women.

Some males become defensive when women relate their experiences with "closet" FAs.

Some male feeders and encouragers who are good guys feel like they are despised if a female (or male) posts anything about the bad guys who happen to be encouragers or feeders. A couple and thier possees attempt to shut anyone down who says anything about feeders or encouragers even when they know absolotely nothing about the poster or their relationship(s). Feeders and encouragers do have their own support network. They have each others' backs.

Then you have the females into gaining, the feedees, and the women who accept and/or understand the mindset and/or the sexual attractions of encouragers and feeders and who would have no issues with dating feeders or encouragers. It's been posted time and time again that they must be mentally unstable or that there is something wrong with them because they like being fat, or because they experience sexual pleasure from eating, have a desire to gain, enjoy fat play, etc.





They are reluctant to speak out because they already know what will happen. They have seen what happened in the past. Just like in this thread. They already feel emotionally vulnerable because of what they have experienced; and even though it was no fault of their own, they feel embarrassment. They already know their account will not be accepted for what it is. They already know they will be thought less of by some. They already know some will see them as mentally unstable. They already know some will question them rather than accept what they have to say. They already know some will blame them or find fault with them for putting themselves in that kind of situation. They already know that some will defend the abuser or make excuses for his (or her) abusive actions.


When a documentary about an abusive feeder airs, that abusive man is labeled an asshole. Plain and simple. No questions asked. No doubts either.


Ironic.
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Old 02-26-2012, 12:15 AM   #75
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I can only think this was a mod mistake...
It is the exact opposite of a mod mistake.
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It just occurred to me why this thread was moved. I'm a little slow on the uptake, but I get it now. It was moved so the feeders could defend their fetish from the OP's "negative/villainous" portrayal.

That's really sad, folks.
You're right. A careful review of the thread admits of no other interpretation.

-Rusty
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