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Old 03-25-2012, 05:31 PM   #1
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Default Open Relationships?

I'm aware this isn't necessarily a 'fat' related subject, but it does have to do with sex and sexuality. I guess delete/move this if this is incorrectly placed, but I didn't know where else to put this. LGBT forum maybe? I have a few questions which will be posted a bit later in this post...

My boyfriend and I have decided to begin an open relationship and give it a try to see what happens and how well it works out. He had originally brought it up early in the relationship very briefly as an afterthought and over time, I considered it too.

We've enjoyed threesomes when they 'just happen'...but those have been incredibly rare, especially since not everyone is interested in a fat chick. I had a low blow today when an offer was -rudely- declined by a potential that my bf had been speaking with. She was totally into it with him and her boyfriend all involved together, but bringing me into the picture really dropped the bomb. Her boyfriend is extra large, she's a little above average and my boyfriend is skinny. It kind of hurt for her to give the response she did (I won't repeat).

So, ok...Whatever I guess, right? I'm a bit bothered though by the fact that people flock to him...He's tall and thin/average and relatively good looking, so he's got a line-up of individuals to be interested in him. I, on the other hand, in the eyes of the general public, have a lot going against me. I'm fat and looking for other women, not men. I'm what I consider to be attractive in both shape and facial features, but I'm having an extremely hard time finding someone to be with. It's so confusing too in a way because when we weren't in an open relationship, plenty of individuals were interested and I was interested in them. Now nothing.

So, that's the background. My questions are:

If anyone has had a past or current open relationship....what are some tips?

What are some dos and don'ts?

What problems did you run into?

Where were you the most successful at finding a good partner? I'm not looking for a 'one night fling' either.

How can you jump this 'size hurdle' that I'm now dealing with?

Are there any suggestions for my situation? I'm confident in myself despite going through a rough time right now with other things, I've also got a lot to offer.
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Old 03-25-2012, 05:56 PM   #2
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I think you are very attractive to a wide audience. Finding people is always tricky for people with alt relationships,I think. Just give it time. Your attractiveness is not the issue here,I assure you.
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Old 03-25-2012, 06:03 PM   #3
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Aww, thank you for replying! I was afraid this would get shuffled under the rug or scoffed at. -grimace-

Sometimes I wish I weren't so open minded...it tends to make things more difficult than they need be.

Do you know what some other potential issues might be in this situation?
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Old 03-25-2012, 06:04 PM   #4
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You'll need to set boundaries and figure out what's okay and what's not, including how much to disclose afterwards. I've known people who have successfully done this, and communication and honesty are needed to make it work. If you're both only after some on the side fun, you could have some rules where you don't see other people regularly, as that could turn into a relationship. If you're open to changing to a poly relationship, then that's not a bad thing, but you need to set the ground rules first. Figure out what it is you both want from it, what you're looking for, what you expect.

Make sure your relationship comes first. If either of you are spending too much time actively seeking new partners it can be detrimental to your relationship, so deciding if this is a situation where it's okay if it happens vs actively looking for it is also important. Will you want to hear what he gets up to? Will he want to hear what you do? I've heard of people setting up 'date nights' where that's the only time they meet up with others, so that it doesn't intrude on the relationship. Don't forget to talk about an exit clause, where if it gets too much for either of you, then you can call an end to the open structure of the relationship and focus on the two of you again. Some people think they want an open relationship but discover it doesn't work for them. Other people say they want an open relationship but what they mean is they want to sleep with other people to see what's out there, because they're not ready to jump ship just yet. Also, safe sex. I know it's obvious, but it's still something that needs to be said, especially if these are very casual encounters.
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Old 03-25-2012, 06:05 PM   #5
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And omg, holy hell...I just noticed you're in the Pittsburgh area! (not hitting on you, lol) Hello, fellow Pittsburger!
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Old 03-25-2012, 06:12 PM   #6
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Why is the great looking people always find a need to put themselves down? For once it would be great to have a fat/chubby girl say, "yes, hell yeah, I'm so sexy" and show that sexiness comes in all sizes and shapes. Why assume people don't find you attractive just because this one lady declined an offer with you? Maybe you're not her type, doesn't mean you are undesirable. Doesn't mean she thinks you are nasty. Not trying to be mean, but some women give off the aura of "woe is me, I'm so not hot" and that detracts beauty points; it really does. It pulls people away. People can smell that aura. A fat confident woman who knows she is a sexy wins points and people gravitate towards her. I'm not a size 6, I wear a dress size of 18, but I could care less, I don't think I'm undesirable. To answer the question, I don't participate in open relationships. I don't believe in sharing a man, because I want to be his number one and only. Not to mention all the diseases out there. I do however, value honesty.
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Old 03-25-2012, 06:13 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by penguin View Post
You'll need to set boundaries and figure out what's okay and what's not, including how much to disclose afterwards. I've known people who have successfully done this, and communication and honesty are needed to make it work. If you're both only after some on the side fun, you could have some rules where you don't see other people regularly, as that could turn into a relationship. If you're open to changing to a poly relationship, then that's not a bad thing, but you need to set the ground rules first. Figure out what it is you both want from it, what you're looking for, what you expect.

Make sure your relationship comes first. If either of you are spending too much time actively seeking new partners it can be detrimental to your relationship, so deciding if this is a situation where it's okay if it happens vs actively looking for it is also important. Will you want to hear what he gets up to? Will he want to hear what you do? I've heard of people setting up 'date nights' where that's the only time they meet up with others, so that it doesn't intrude on the relationship. Don't forget to talk about an exit clause, where if it gets too much for either of you, then you can call an end to the open structure of the relationship and focus on the two of you again. Some people think they want an open relationship but discover it doesn't work for them. Other people say they want an open relationship but what they mean is they want to sleep with other people to see what's out there, because they're not ready to jump ship just yet. Also, safe sex. I know it's obvious, but it's still something that needs to be said, especially if these are very casual encounters.
Thank you too for replying, Penguin! Thankfully, so far, communication hasn't been a problem in the relationship. For that, I am glad. The points you brought up were actually either thought of or discussed with him. We didn't get to talk too much about 'date nights' with other people...that's something I'd definitely want to go into more detail with. We both expressed the same worry about the other person leaving for someone else and we both said we valued our relationship more than another individual. We've discussed an 'exit strategy' (didn't call it that, but that sounds far better than what we were calling it!) and it's basically if anyone starts drama or if it gets strained, we're cutting the ties and going back to base one. This is a tryout...and I'm hoping it's not the wrong decision.

Safe sex was discussed today. I told him, no exceptions on the condoms (except someone who has had a hysterectomy and has had an STD test with papers). I don't need a girl pregnant that he has to pay child support to. I am also determined that any of my partners (probably female) will need to show me STD papers too.
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Old 03-25-2012, 06:17 PM   #8
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Why is the great looking people always find a need to put themselves down? For once it would be great to have a fat/chubby girl say, "yes, hell yeah, I'm so sexy" and show that sexiness comes in all sizes and shapes. Why assume people don't find you attractive just because this one lady declined an offer with you? Maybe you're not her type, doesn't mean you are undesirable. Doesn't mean she thinks you are nasty. Not trying to be mean, but some women give off the aura of "woe is me, I'm so not hot" and that detracts beauty points; it really does. A fat confident woman who knows she is a sexy wins points and people gravitate to that. I'm not size 6 but I could care less, I don't think I'm undesirable. To answer the question, I don't participate in open relationships. I don't believe in sharing a man, because I want to be his number one and only. I do however, value honesty.
I was actually a plus sized model here on the site a while ago for Big Cuties and I do have the confidence needed. Sorry if it came off as if I had none, but I definitely step firmly with my head up. Although I do see myself as attractive, the responses from some individuals or reactions has been less than satisfactory to me. It hasn't been 'just one person', although her reaction had been the worst out of all of them.

With the open relationship idea...I do love the openness and honesty that will come with it (hopefully). I'd rather have the agreement of openness than have him cheat behind my back only to have me find out about it later. My last relationship was with a possessive cheater and I never want that again. Plus, I also want to go out and explore with other women....so it kind of works. In theory...hopefully in practice.
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Old 03-25-2012, 06:37 PM   #9
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Aww, thank you for replying! I was afraid this would get shuffled under the rug or scoffed at. -grimace-

Sometimes I wish I weren't so open minded...it tends to make things more difficult than they need be.

Do you know what some other potential issues might be in this situation?

Well if i was a single woman NOT looking to be a 'secondary' or girl on the side (IDK what your relationship model is poly or just sexually open or?) I would not seek out a man or woman that is already in a relationship.
Unless I was myself in an open relationship. So, before you got into a relationship you were looking at a much larger population. You might have better luck poking around Poly groups?

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Old 03-25-2012, 06:41 PM   #10
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Well if i was a single woman NOT looking to be a 'secondary' or girl on the side (IDK what your relationship model is poly or just sexually open or?) I would not seek out a man or woman that is already in a relationship.
Unless I was myself in an open relationship. So, before you got into a relationship you were looking at a much larger population. You might have better luck poking around Poly groups?
That's something I thought about too but was a little hesitant in a way. I think our relationship right now is sexually open and we're the 'main' couple. We're open to being attached to other people, but not as the main. Kind of hard to describe, but one day I think we both want to marry. It's just a nice idea to be able to enjoy encounters with other people or even go out on fresh dates. I don't see everyone getting a house together and bringing my 'husband and wife' to meet my parents, lol.
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Old 03-26-2012, 05:19 AM   #11
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I'm really curious to hear more about this topic too, since one of the only things stopping my relationship from opening up is my boyfriend's fear that no one will want to hook up with him because of his weight. He thinks I'll have a much better chance of finding guys who might be interested in me, and he's afraid of discovering that no one else wants him unless he and I come in a package together.
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Old 03-26-2012, 09:41 AM   #12
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Well that is partially true,I mean straight women(I am assuming) have the market on getting sex just about anytime they like.If you are straight woman in an open relationship you WILL have men interested in casual dating and sex,they get all the rewards and way less of the 'negative' of a full relationship!
It's a bit more work for men to hook up than girls,but that's all men really. I think women interested in other women have a harder time than those looking for men.
Of course this is all generalizing and depends somewhat on how outgoing a person is.

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I'm really curious to hear more about this topic too, since one of the only things stopping my relationship from opening up is my boyfriend's fear that no one will want to hook up with him because of his weight. He thinks I'll have a much better chance of finding guys who might be interested in me, and he's afraid of discovering that no one else wants him unless he and I come in a package together.
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Old 03-26-2012, 12:50 PM   #13
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I'm in an open relationship (somehow I think you may have already known this) and probably THE most important thing is honesty. Open relationships are very difficult to maintain if everyone involved is not honest about their feelings. Uhm.. I guess if you want to ask me more specific questions you can, not sure what else to say at this point.
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Old 03-26-2012, 08:50 PM   #14
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I've been in two open relationships, and where I went for other women mostly.

Definitely the most important things are setting boundaries and being honest about things.

What I did was this thing where we were the main couple, but when we'd find someone we were interested in, we'd talk about them to our partner and get their point of view on if it would be a good match to pursue or not. Like... totally being honest about the fact that I was interested in this new person, and asking what they thought of that person.

Basically it was "I want to date this person, too. Do you think they deserve me?" And my main partner would discuss with me. We had to 'agree' on each others' dates and playtime partners before anything could actually happen.

Safe sex was always a must and setting the boundary of "he/she is my actual partner. You come second, but are still important to me."

It's a fine line between seeming rude about a secondary relationship and setting a proper boundary.

Others have totally been better at discussing this, though. Lol. But just mentioning my experience and what it was like. Basically we had a "qualifier date" with the person, then talked about them, and then made a decision together to bring in this new person. Kinda like an interview to the point of getting the job, lol.



------


eta: Have you looked up any Swingers groups in your area? It might be a good place to look if you want to start with being sexually open before actually bringing in anyone for a secondary emotional relationship.

And Penguin's "exit clause" mention is spot on. You REALLY want to settle that before really even getting started. Penguin's post is super helpful
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Old 03-29-2012, 07:13 AM   #15
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I'm in a Poly relationship, though it started as an open relationship. I actually had a pretty bad experience being the third for another relationship.. And the reason was, they didn't have their relationship sorted out. He and she had a lot of problems and they weren't addressing them together, so as I grew closer to both (in this case I was partnered with both) I ended up getting caught in the middle of their problems. That said, if you end up hooking up with someone else who's already in an open relationship of their own you might be mindful of the impact of their stress and drama (assuming there is any) on you. It can be a bad thing to bring home to your main man.

I think pretty much all other advice I would offer has already been given so I'll just wish you luck and an enjoyable experience with it. Open relationships can be so much fun when things work smoothly...
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Old 03-30-2012, 09:04 PM   #16
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