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Old 04-07-2017, 07:52 PM   #2476
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Originally Posted by Dr. Feelgood View Post
I always thought oysters had the right idea: send a million eggs out into the ocean currents, and wish 'em well.
My aunt used to say that all children should be sent to the Amazon (she lives in Caracas) and should only be permitted to return when they turn 21 years old.
I should add, she never had children. Only 27 nieces and nephews
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Old 04-07-2017, 08:08 PM   #2477
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Writer's block, well, getting that first sentence and hook going.
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Old 04-08-2017, 10:31 AM   #2478
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Originally Posted by ODFFA View Post
Why does one have to have parents? *siiiiigh*

Hardships always make you ask the smart questions.
It may seem a cliche, but I will only note that you will miss your parents once they're gone.

In meantime, do your best.
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Old 04-08-2017, 11:58 AM   #2479
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It may seem a cliche, but I will only note that you will miss your parents once they're gone.

In meantime, do your best.
Oh, one of them I can promise you I won't miss. 100% guaranteed. It is possible to be traumatised enough that blood loyalty loses all meaning.
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Old 04-10-2017, 02:40 PM   #2480
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Originally Posted by ODFFA View Post
Why does one have to have parents?
If one can't be a good example, one should endeavour to become a cautionary tale.
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Old 04-10-2017, 08:10 PM   #2481
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You may want to sit and think maybe you were part of the problem between you and your parents.
My parents were very strict and I hated it and I rebelled and left home at 17.
I soon learned my parents weren't so stupid after all.
I came back at age 22 got into rehab for drug addictions then got my higher education done with the help of my parents.
Got a business degree and a real estate license.
All would not have been been accomplished if it weren't for my parents.
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Old 04-11-2017, 05:40 AM   #2482
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Stupid clutch just WILL NOT stay in adjustment.... Been under the car twice in a week and have to shimmy my chubby ass under there again today
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Old 04-11-2017, 10:29 PM   #2483
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Originally Posted by Tracii View Post
You may want to sit and think maybe you were part of the problem between you and your parents.
My parents were very strict and I hated it and I rebelled and left home at 17.
I soon learned my parents weren't so stupid after all.
I came back at age 22 got into rehab for drug addictions then got my higher education done with the help of my parents.
Got a business degree and a real estate license.
All would not have been been accomplished if it weren't for my parents.
Not to be ass, but you know what they say about assumptions...

Rest assured, she is totally and unequivocally in the right on what she said in that post. There are parents that are, indeed, not worthy of forgiveness or mourning and she has one of those.
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Old 04-11-2017, 11:22 PM   #2484
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Not to be ass, but you know what they say about assumptions...

Rest assured, she is totally and unequivocally in the right on what she said in that post. There are parents that are, indeed, not worthy of forgiveness or mourning and she has one of those.
After making a tongue-in-cheek comment containing the word "parents," I guess I should've foreseen the justifying I would have to do It was very early, everyone was asleep, including you. I was going out of my mind, feeling vulnerable and in need of even the smallest outlet. Lesson learned nonetheless. I think I've been stretching Dims' patience a little thin with my complaining in any case. But I can't thank you enough, my love. It means so much that you would want to help corroborate where I'm coming from <3

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Originally Posted by Crumbling View Post
If one can't be a good example, one should endeavour to become a cautionary tale.
Hehe! Parental mystery...solved!


....Now, who has something else they're pissed about?
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Old 04-12-2017, 07:21 AM   #2485
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Originally Posted by ODFFA View Post
Oh, one of them I can promise you I won't miss. 100% guaranteed. It is possible to be traumatised enough that blood loyalty loses all meaning.
Have to agree here. I know a couple people whose lives would be better if they gave up on toxic and abusive parent(s) and got away from their influence.
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Old 04-12-2017, 10:02 AM   #2486
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Oh, one of them I can promise you I won't miss. 100% guaranteed. It is possible to be traumatised enough that blood loyalty loses all meaning.
Aye, I understand the sentiment completely and would it were that simple. However I have seen up close how so often that isn't the case. An old saying in boxing goes,"Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth." Meaning no one knows how they will truly feel until they actually go through with it.

Now I know only but a little of your story, that which you have shared with us, and believe me when I say I completely understand you feeling the way you do and my heart goes out to you for even having to deal with the situation you have. But from what I have seen, especially in the cases of my nieces and nephews whose completely worthless father (the particulars are not necessary here, but trust that this is a true statement) passed last fall. As much as they all said he was dead to them when he was still alive, they still wound up mourning him and still are somewhat. Truth be told though, they are not so much mourning the man as they are mourning that which could have been. They are mourning the apology and healing that is never going to come. I say this not to try and dissuade you from feeling as you do nor to let that parent off the hook and blindly forgive them. Rather I say that if at some point an effort is made by that parent to go down a path of redemption and forgiveness please be open to it. I say this not for his sake or peace of mind but rather for yours. I wish you all the best in this situation and fervently hope the situation can turn before death renders it completely irrevocable.
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Old 04-12-2017, 10:15 AM   #2487
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Personally, I think some people are beyond deserving another chance especially when it can result in more hurt.
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Old 04-12-2017, 10:18 AM   #2488
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Personally, I think some people are beyond deserving another chance especially when it can result in more hurt.
I agree with that sentiment completely and understand it. But in many cases I've seen where it hurts the person holding it more than the person they feel that way about unfortunately.
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Old 04-12-2017, 06:06 PM   #2489
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I agree with that sentiment completely and understand it. But in many cases I've seen where it hurts the person holding it more than the person they feel that way about unfortunately.
I believe it was the Buddha who said that resentment is like taking poison and waiting for your enemy to die. So you're in good company, Leo.
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Old 04-12-2017, 06:23 PM   #2490
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I believe it was the Buddha who said that resentment is like taking poison and waiting for your enemy to die. So you're in good company, Leo.
Cutting the people who are abusive completely out of your life isn't resentment (although victims are entitled to their share of that) it's a logic based decision that emotional ties get in the way of.

There's a big difference between being mad about strict curfews and things like that as opposed to a a pattern of physical and emotional abuse. A decent number of the FFAs I know had one or two parents who did both.

Sure some wonderful people can let go of the resentment towards those who abused them but letting them back into your life can be a really bad idea.
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Old 04-12-2017, 07:40 PM   #2491
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Cutting the people who are abusive completely out of your life isn't resentment (although victims are entitled to their share of that) it's a logic based decision that emotional ties get in the way of.

There's a big difference between being mad about strict curfews and things like that as opposed to a a pattern of physical and emotional abuse. A decent number of the FFAs I know had one or two parents who did both.

Sure some wonderful people can let go of the resentment towards those who abused them but letting them back into your life can be a really bad idea.
Forgive the assumptions I make, but since this is at least tangentially related to my original post in this exchange allow me to clarify. I agree with what you say. I am a firm believer in cutting toxic and abusive people out of your life whether they be blood related or not. I'm not advocating taking a forgive and forget approach and allowing someone back in to hurt you again. What I am suggesting is that if someone comes correct and makes a legit effort at healing a rift and trying for redemption then one should consider being open to it. Not out of some holier-than-thou sensibility but because many times I have seen people that thought they had cut someone loose and wrote them off and believed they'd feel nothing when they died have a really hard time reconciling the situation in their mind and finding a huge depth of sorrow over someone they thought wouldn't bother them if they died. Emotions are funny that way.

That being said, in my experiences though it almost never happens that the abuser realizes the error of their ways and tries to make amends. Most go to the grave thinking they did no wrong and leave a wake of turmoil and sadness in their passing.
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Old 04-13-2017, 12:51 PM   #2492
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Both my parents are terrible, lots of abuse that has/will take me years to overcome. I cut them both off and am a better/hppier/healthier person, and will not grieve when they pass, though I don't wish them ill. I just don't wish them in my life, either!

That being said, i cried hard over close friend's parents dying. It isn't that I am incapable of feeling a parental type bond...just not wih my parents. I had to mother them more than they cared for me, so just don't even consider them parents, let alone good ones.

I feel you, odffa!
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Old 04-13-2017, 01:50 PM   #2493
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My childhood experiences included an abusive and sociopathic father, I haven't spoken with him in over 20 years. While I sometimes feel bad about where his choices and behavior have taken him, I don't regret choosing to not have him be a part of my life. When he dies I am sure I will feel sadness but more a sadness for what could have been, what I wished for, rather than the reality. I can understand why someone might feel sorrow but I would guess that the sorrow isn't for the death but rather the life and relationship they wished they had.

I would also like to add that I personally have known several women who had abusive fathers. Their fathers ended up dying homeless and alone, neither of these ladies had any regrets about cutting their fathers out of their lives. Their fathers Pre deceased them and even on their death beds, they had no regrets.
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Old 04-13-2017, 01:58 PM   #2494
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I'm incredibly touched at the support I've gotten. You guys have no idea.

I know to some it can be inconceivable that a parent would be toxic enough to warrant resentment and/or no-contact. I will just say this: some of you may know from previous posts that my father is drinking himself to death. Really, that's the least of it. Just to give you a fairer idea, he lost his job a few years back on several charges of sexual harassment. As soon as I'd heard there were charges, I was very much inclined to believe them. Still not the worst of it, but that's as much as I'll be divulging here.

All that said, whether or not I am justified in any of my feelings / actions is not up to anyone on this forum to decide. Why even bring it up then? Because some days things get thrown in my face that I can't ignore. And on some of those days, the wonderful, long-suffering people I would normally confide in aren't available. And on some of those days, keeping all that festering shit inside seems almost humanly impossible. And so...Dims.

This has happened a handful of times now, which is making me consider bowing out of here for a bit. Not because anybody has chased me away, but because I don't want to wear people out, or become known mainly for this aspect of my life. This year so far has been one of the harder ones family-wise. So maybe, until things are on a different trajectory again, it'd be best if I took a little break. I'll still see my PMs, so I'll happily continue the chats I have going there. For the most part, you guys really have completely overwhelmed me with your support. It's more than I'd ever expected. Please know how grateful I am :')
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Old 04-13-2017, 02:14 PM   #2495
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My childhood experiences included an abusive and sociopathic father, I haven't spoken with him in over 20 years. While I sometimes feel bad about where his choices and behavior have taken him, I don't regret choosing to not have him be a part of my life. When he dies I am sure I will feel sadness but more a sadness for what could have been, what I wished for, rather than the reality. I can understand why someone might feel sorrow but I would guess that the sorrow isn't for the death but rather the life and relationship they wished they had.

I would also like to add that I personally have known several women who had abusive fathers. Their fathers ended up dying homeless and alone, neither of these ladies had any regrets about cutting their fathers out of their lives. Their fathers Pre deceased them and even on their death beds, they had no regrets.
This is exactly what I was getting at. The sorrow is not for the person but for all the lost opportunities.

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I'm incredibly touched at the support I've gotten. You guys have no idea.

I know to some it can be inconceivable that a parent would be toxic enough to warrant resentment and/or no-contact. I will just say this: some of you may know from previous posts that my father is drinking himself to death. Really, that's the least of it. Just to give you a fairer idea, he lost his job a few years back on several charges of sexual harassment. As soon as I'd heard there were charges, I was very much inclined to believe them. Still not the worst of it, but that's as much as I'll be divulging here.

All that said, whether or not I am justified in any of my feelings / actions is not up to anyone on this forum to decide. Why even bring it up then? Because some days things get thrown in my face that I can't ignore. And on some of those days, the wonderful, long-suffering people I would normally confide in aren't available. And on some of those days, keeping all that festering shit inside seems almost humanly impossible. And so...Dims.

This has happened a handful of times now, which is making me consider bowing out of here for a bit. Not because anybody has chased me away, but because I don't want to wear people out, or become known mainly for this aspect of my life. This year so far has been one of the harder ones family-wise. So maybe, until things are on a different trajectory again, it'd be best if I took a little break. I'll still see my PMs, so I'll happily continue the chats I have going there. For the most part, you guys really have completely overwhelmed me with your support. It's more than I'd ever expected. Please know how grateful I am :')
Go if you need to for yourself, but you've in no way worn yourself out of us caring about you here! I'll miss your posts and and the sensibilities and sensitivity you bring to many issues. So don't stay gone too long.
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Old 04-16-2017, 05:21 PM   #2496
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Originally Posted by LeoGibson View Post

That being said, in my experiences though it almost never happens that the abuser realizes the error of their ways and tries to make amends. Most go to the grave thinking they did no wrong and leave a wake of turmoil and sadness in their passing.
This is THE FUCKING TRUTH laid out in black and white on an internet forum. Let the bullet hit the bone. Don't live your life waiting for an apology. Live your life figuring out how to love yourself instead. You're worthy of love even if the people that gave you life in the flesh don't have a clue how to love you.

We only come into this world through our parents- but we are not our parents.

Quote:
On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
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"The longing of my heart is a fairy portrait of myself: I want to be pretty; I want to eliminate facts and fill up the gap with charms."

"See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon
It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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Old 04-17-2017, 10:30 AM   #2497
Tad
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I'm going to have to buy some new jeans and work pants because I've lost some weight. Not a lot, and for reasons, so I can deal with the loss for the most part. But having to buy smaller clothes because otherwise perfectly good clothes are too baggy just feels perverse and sad. I don't mind having to retire clothes before their time because they are too small, but I really hate it the other way around
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Old 04-17-2017, 06:28 PM   #2498
Dr. Feelgood
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Originally Posted by Tad View Post
I don't mind having to retire clothes before their time because they are too small, but I really hate it the other way around
Think about how many posts you've read from people who have trouble finding clothes in anything but skinny sizes. Now imagine how happy you're going to make somebody by donating your pants to the thrift store.
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Old 04-17-2017, 08:31 PM   #2499
fat hiker
 
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Originally Posted by Crumbling View Post
If one can't be a good example, one should endeavour to become a cautionary tale.
So true! Also sometimes written, "If you can't be a wonderful example, then you should be a horrible warning."
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Old 04-17-2017, 08:35 PM   #2500
fat hiker
 
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Originally Posted by ODFFA View Post
Oh, one of them I can promise you I won't miss. 100% guaranteed. It is possible to be traumatised enough that blood loyalty loses all meaning.

In that case, substitute 'parental figures' for 'parents'.

You may not miss your parents. But somewhere there's a parental figure you'll miss, when they're gone.
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