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Old 08-03-2014, 11:05 AM   #1251
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I'm getting a little annoyed with my sister-in-law, as she has been kind of a butt hole lately...

Not only did she yesterday tell me she was talking to someone (basically making fun of me), and said "she (me) broke up with her boyfriend, got healthy and found Jesus" (yes, she was laughing about it as if she was making fun of me - when I'm trying to be serious about all of this! Yes, recently I have been eating healthier, been more active because I know walking helps with depression, too, and I've been trying EVERYTHING to get me out of this depressed state of mind... I have also been more into my faith than I ever have in my life, but all of this isn't because I got dumped! Sure, it had an impact because obviously I got depressed, but it's not why I am doing all of this. So I was annoyed by that yesterday, then last night, she went to hang out with me while I was babysitting our niece. She got there (we drove separate cars), and left like 10 minutes later because my niece was crying (which she is used to, she loves our niece and is used to her cranky side), so she just ditched me, with no real reason.

Then we had plans to go swimming today and I get home, eat and get ready to leave, she texts me and says "don't come over I'm in a bad mood", like okay, not like I wasn't already getting ready and stuff. So she has just been ticking me off and I'm in a bad mood now unfortunately myself and she is ditching me again basically. Like good grief it makes me wonder why I even bother trying to hang out with people. She is my friend but is also my family, so it kind of sucks and frustrates me especially since she is one of the people I hang out with most...

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Old 08-04-2014, 01:57 AM   #1252
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Selfish people.....
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Old 08-09-2014, 01:08 PM   #1253
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Old 08-12-2014, 05:04 AM   #1254
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Old 08-12-2014, 10:29 AM   #1255
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Yet another young male coming to an interview wearing baggy, saggy pants
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Old 08-13-2014, 12:16 PM   #1256
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I post a picture of my fiancée or something that has to do with her and I get 33 likes and 9 comments.

I post something I wrote from the heart and I get two likes.

Everybody sucks
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Old 08-13-2014, 12:48 PM   #1257
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Yet another young male coming to an interview wearing baggy, saggy pants
UPDATE:

He came in this morning and interviewed with my cousin. She spoke to me, told me he was in a suit. He called me later, thanking me for the opportunity to make a second first impression
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Old 08-15-2014, 07:34 AM   #1258
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Ok..... gender equality is a big deal to me. I have experienced some things.... But I'm not one of those people who thinks it's helpful to throw around the word 'misogyny' or hashtagYesAllWomen all over the place. Though I get angry at things, I make sure I don't step over the threshold into the realm of man-hating.

My brother sent me this today:

IMG-20140815-WA0000.jpg

At what point is it ok to call someone out for surreptitiously being a dick without being labelled a butthurt feminazi? I get to have an inner struggle over this while others have no problem freely displaying their assholery and calling it humour. It's quite a..... powerless feeling, and I'm utterly sick of it.
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Old 08-15-2014, 08:45 AM   #1259
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Originally Posted by ODFFA View Post
At what point is it ok to call someone out for surreptitiously being a dick without being labelled a butthurt feminazi? I get to have an inner struggle over this while others have no problem freely displaying their assholery and calling it humour. It's quite a..... powerless feeling, and I'm utterly sick of it.
To me I think that when you get to the point that it makes you uncomfortable/powerless is a pretty good indicator of when it's appropriate. I tend to tease people and sometimes I can step over that line, I personally have no issues when someone pulls it back and says 'nope, too far' and I try my best to amend my actions in regards to it. Then again, not everyone is capable or interested in doing that so it will always be a gamble but the other option is to feel icky and helpless and that can't be fun.
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Old 08-15-2014, 11:12 AM   #1260
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At what point is it ok to call someone out for surreptitiously being a dick without being labelled a butthurt feminazi? I get to have an inner struggle over this while others have no problem freely displaying their assholery and calling it humour. It's quite a..... powerless feeling, and I'm utterly sick of it.
Humor's a little tricky. I think a lot of the issues happen because it's hard to "empathize" with a sense of humor that isn't at least tangentially related to your own. Especially with more controversial issues, which can be really polarizing depending on how you naturally process information like that.

I'd just say exactly what's going on to him, in a straight-forward but casual way. That you realize he finds things like that humorous and (most likely) he just can't fathom having your reaction to it. It doesn't mean your reaction isn't legitimate, or should get you some shitty stereotypical label. Just that you two have very different reactions to things, and you'd prefer if he would forgo jokes like that.

If he actually has ill-intent behind it, it's a different story. But I think a fair amount of misunderstanding comes in when you have someone who can't take those things seriously (because to them, it's obviously bullshit) and someone who's still more sensitive to it as an overarching issue.

(And if he DOES actually have asshole-rooted ill intent, you can tell him to fuck right off.)
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Old 08-15-2014, 11:43 AM   #1261
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To me I think that when you get to the point that it makes you uncomfortable/powerless is a pretty good indicator of when it's appropriate. I tend to tease people and sometimes I can step over that line, I personally have no issues when someone pulls it back and says 'nope, too far' and I try my best to amend my actions in regards to it. Then again, not everyone is capable or interested in doing that so it will always be a gamble but the other option is to feel icky and helpless and that can't be fun.
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Humor's a little tricky. I think a lot of the issues happen because it's hard to "empathize" with a sense of humor that isn't at least tangentially related to your own. Especially with more controversial issues, which can be really polarizing depending on how you naturally process information like that.

I'd just say exactly what's going on to him, in a straight-forward but casual way. That you realize he finds things like that humorous and (most likely) he just can't fathom having your reaction to it. It doesn't mean your reaction isn't legitimate, or should get you some shitty stereotypical label. Just that you two have very different reactions to things, and you'd prefer if he would forgo jokes like that.

If he actually has ill-intent behind it, it's a different story. But I think a fair amount of misunderstanding comes in when you have someone who can't take those things seriously (because to them, it's obviously bullshit) and someone who's still more sensitive to it as an overarching issue.

(And if he DOES actually have asshole-rooted ill intent, you can tell him to fuck right off.)
Thank you both! You're lovely for taking the time to respond to a rant like this. I'm pretttty convinced he wasn't just teasing me. I've heard and seen jokes like that made in a satirical/ironic/sarcastic way - as if to say "I'm making light of this because of how ridiculous it is." Sometimes the joke involved the mention of rape, a racial slur, slavery..... And I haven't taken offense to it at all. It doesn't offend me just because it's mentioned/depicted.

As for my brother, this wasn't a "haha I'm pretending to be a douchebag, isn't it terrible? " It was "haha you should play this game because this is the way 'we men' feel." He's the kind of guy who gets upset when he's teamed with a girl for a project or a work presentation, because obviously it's going to lessen the quality of the project somehow.

So I chose a creative version of the 'fuck right off' response. And..... a dims-rant to blow off some steam <_<
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Old 08-15-2014, 11:59 AM   #1262
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As for my brother, this wasn't a "haha I'm pretending to be a douchebag, isn't it terrible? " It was "haha you should play this game because this is the way 'we men' feel." He's the kind of guy who gets upset when he's teamed with a girl for a project or a work presentation, because obviously it's going to lessen the quality of the project somehow.
Bad advice warning: You could always pretend to be cordial about it and make him a sandwich. Except make it ...a really terrible sandwich. Peanut butter and jelly (is that an American thing? I feel like it is for some reason,) filled with salt. Or a lunch meat sandwich filled with sugar. A literal taste of his own medicine

Potentially decent advice warning: Stuff like that can always serve as fantastic inspiration to prove people wrong. I imagine it'd be outrageously satisfying to completely out-do him at something. Or, in a more general sense, use it to conjure up some "I'll show you!" motivation and let it carry you to further greatness
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Old 08-15-2014, 12:18 PM   #1263
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Bad advice warning: You could always pretend to be cordial about it and make him a sandwich. Except make it ...a really terrible sandwich. Peanut butter and jelly (is that an American thing? I feel like it is for some reason,) filled with salt. Or a lunch meat sandwich filled with sugar. A literal taste of his own medicine

Potentially decent advice warning: Stuff like that can always serve as fantastic inspiration to prove people wrong. I imagine it'd be outrageously satisfying to completely out-do him at something. Or, in a more general sense, use it to conjure up some "I'll show you!" motivation and let it carry you to further greatness
Oh no, I'd never tell my wife to make me a sandwich. Though the house may be hers, it's MY kitchen!!
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Old 08-15-2014, 01:00 PM   #1264
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What's pissing me off today?

Idiots with Internet access.
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Old 08-15-2014, 01:12 PM   #1265
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What's pissing me off today?

Idiots with Internet access.
Our master baiting wannabe?
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Old 08-15-2014, 01:48 PM   #1266
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Ok..... gender equality is a big deal to me. I have experienced some things.... But I'm not one of those people who thinks it's helpful to throw around the word 'misogyny' or hashtagYesAllWomen all over the place. Though I get angry at things, I make sure I don't step over the threshold into the realm of man-hating.....

.....At what point is it ok to call someone out for surreptitiously being a dick without being labelled a butthurt feminazi? I get to have an inner struggle over this while others have no problem freely displaying their assholery and calling it humour. It's quite a..... powerless feeling, and I'm utterly sick of it.
The better question really is, why would you allow someone else to have enough sway with your emotions to make you feel powerless? In order for you to be that angry with someone, you first have to care what their perception of you and your core beliefs are. Otherwise, it would be an unfunny joke, or a mild annoyance at best.

To give you an example using myself, since being me is the only area I'm truly an expert in, there is nothing off the table when it comes to humor. Even if I find it unfunny or tasteless, or it hits too close to home. It doesn't matter to me because how I feel about any issue, or my core belief about anything is not dependent on what you think of it or what you think of me. ( I'm using the collective you here OD and not you personally) There are a scant few whose perception of me matters one whit, and they are the only people who could possibly get inside my head enough to make me angry, but then again my love for them is so great that I still could not rise above annoyance to the level of true anger.

You also ask at what point is it ok to call them out? If you enjoy the back and forth with them, then it's always a good time to tell them to piss off and have a spirited discussion! If not, then it's easier to just ignore them and know that they will likely never get it. Too bad for them!

I don't know your brother nor his intent, but one thing to ponder if he is somewhat like myself, is that I only screw with those I love. I know it will irritate them, but I love pushing their buttons and getting them hot under the collar. The more irritated they get the louder I laugh. Then I let them off the hook and buy a round or calm them down a bit with other laughter, this time not at their expense

An anecdote, I have a friend that is virulently liberal and feminist and all that entails, and the one time when we were all together and she went off on a rant, I gave her a small applause and told her," Ahh, that's so adorable that you're actually trying to think for yourself without consulting your boyfriend first! It's so cute that you're a li'l feminist." That got me an icy glare and the middle finger, before garnering a big smile from her. Why? Because she knows my heart and intent and actual true feelings even though I was not above going for the laugh in the moment.

You would know best if he was trying to provoke you to get a rise in fun, or if he truly doesn't get it. If that's the case and you really care if he knows how you truly feel, then by all means let him have it with both barrels!
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Old 08-16-2014, 08:08 AM   #1267
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The better question really is, why would you allow someone else to have enough sway with your emotions to make you feel powerless? In order for you to be that angry with someone, you first have to care what their perception of you and your core beliefs are. Otherwise, it would be an unfunny joke, or a mild annoyance at best.

To give you an example using myself, since being me is the only area I'm truly an expert in, there is nothing off the table when it comes to humor. Even if I find it unfunny or tasteless, or it hits too close to home. It doesn't matter to me because how I feel about any issue, or my core belief about anything is not dependent on what you think of it or what you think of me. ( I'm using the collective you here OD and not you personally) There are a scant few whose perception of me matters one whit, and they are the only people who could possibly get inside my head enough to make me angry, but then again my love for them is so great that I still could not rise above annoyance to the level of true anger.

You also ask at what point is it ok to call them out? If you enjoy the back and forth with them, then it's always a good time to tell them to piss off and have a spirited discussion! If not, then it's easier to just ignore them and know that they will likely never get it. Too bad for them!

I don't know your brother nor his intent, but one thing to ponder if he is somewhat like myself, is that I only screw with those I love. I know it will irritate them, but I love pushing their buttons and getting them hot under the collar. The more irritated they get the louder I laugh. Then I let them off the hook and buy a round or calm them down a bit with other laughter, this time not at their expense

An anecdote, I have a friend that is virulently liberal and feminist and all that entails, and the one time when we were all together and she went off on a rant, I gave her a small applause and told her," Ahh, that's so adorable that you're actually trying to think for yourself without consulting your boyfriend first! It's so cute that you're a li'l feminist." That got me an icy glare and the middle finger, before garnering a big smile from her. Why? Because she knows my heart and intent and actual true feelings even though I was not above going for the laugh in the moment.

You would know best if he was trying to provoke you to get a rise in fun, or if he truly doesn't get it. If that's the case and you really care if he knows how you truly feel, then by all means let him have it with both barrels!
I don't want to rehash things unnecessarily or overkill this, but, since you kindly took the time to write me this (not sarcasm) I thought it deserved a response. Why do I care enough to be pissed off, you ask? Ok.....

1. I haven't been feeling my best (pretty evident from my most recent posts here) and I'm just more susceptible to getting angry instead of just mildly annoyed.

2. May not seem like it because of said recent posts, but this is the first time in yeeears I've gotten angry about his jokes..... and it's not because he hasn't been making them. And just for the record, let's make sure and add my dad to this equation. I'd just reached a kind of saturation point with it in different ways. Which is ok.

3. I got upset because I do indeed know he views women negatively. It's hard to believe, isn't it? Harder than to believe I'm just being a little over-sensitive. I get that. But I wouldn't be saying it or even taking offense if I didn't really believe it to be true.

4. It just plain hurts to have members of your own family harbour prejudices about people like you.

(I recently watched an atheist Bible study video on the part of Exodus that talks about God destroying Soddom and Gomorrah. You know, where two angels go to visit Lot and he offers up his two daughters to be gang raped? Yeah, they went to town with it. They could barely have said lewder, more ridiculous things, and I laughed really hard. Just for context. I don't assume ill-intent because I'm addicted to drama or am just a misanthrope. But where I do perceive ill-intent -- even the undercover kind -- it's..... not nice.)

Anyway, I out-sarcasm'd my dearest bro, and I'm not as angry anymore
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Old 08-16-2014, 08:54 AM   #1268
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People who send you snapchats while they have it set at 3 seconds. Especially when they decide to fill up the entire text section and add writing//drawings over the pic. More annoying than pissed off.
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Old 08-16-2014, 09:41 AM   #1269
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Old 08-16-2014, 09:47 AM   #1270
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People who send you snapchats while they have it set at 3 seconds. Especially when they decide to fill up the entire text section and add writing//drawings over the pic. More annoying than pissed off.
Totally agree. It drives me a bit mad too.
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Old 08-16-2014, 11:06 AM   #1271
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I don't want to rehash things unnecessarily or overkill this, but, since you kindly took the time to write me this (not sarcasm) I thought it deserved a response. Why do I care enough to be pissed off, you ask? Ok.....

.....Anyway, I out-sarcasm'd my dearest bro, and I'm not as angry anymore
First off, let me apologize for my somewhat rambling post. I tend to meander all around the point without always getting there when I post while drinking.

It should have been made in two parts. In the first I was speaking more to the powerless feeling you had mentioned. You had every right to be pissed off at your brother, I was mostly trying to say that in personal relationships we as humans are only powerless if we give up the power to someone else. It was a roundabout way of trying to say don't let them under your skin and to stand up and give 'em hell!

The second part I was laying out the reason why some of us do things like that. Some of us like to aggravate those we love out of fun just to get a rise out of them. (I know, not one of my better traits.) If that was the case I was saying to serve it right back at him. From reading your posts I know you definitely have the wit to give it back as good as you get.

Anyways, I hope this was a little less rambling.
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Old 08-17-2014, 07:01 AM   #1272
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I made a new friend a few weeks ago who offered to help me get a job at his school when he heard mine was downsizing. We ran into each other a few times in groups and had a good time talking about our hometowns since they are nearby in Canada. Then one day he asked me what I did on the weekend, and I explained that I went to a nearby military base to visit my boyfriend. He read my message and has since stopped replying to everything and now ignores me in public.

THANKS. Nice to know my friendship is worthless and I am now undeserving of your help because you won't have the opportunity to possibly sleep with me.
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:08 AM   #1273
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I made a new friend a few weeks ago who offered to help me get a job at his school when he heard mine was downsizing. We ran into each other a few times in groups and had a good time talking about our hometowns since they are nearby in Canada. Then one day he asked me what I did on the weekend, and I explained that I went to a nearby military base to visit my boyfriend. He read my message and has since stopped replying to everything and now ignores me in public.

THANKS. Nice to know my friendship is worthless and I am now undeserving of your help because you won't have the opportunity to possibly sleep with me.
Being a guy who's been in similar situations, either crushing on someone who I later found out was taken or someone who just wanted to be friends, I think his reaction sounds reasonable.

Things could have gone better of course, but they could have been worse. All in all, walking away is probably one of the better, mature ways of handing it, especially if his feelings are still raw.

I don't think it's fair to expect someone to stay in a relationship when they are not getting what they want from it just to please the other person. You wanted a friend and a career connection. He wanted a romantic relationship and/or sex. Should he should set his needs and feelings aside for yours? Would you do the same and sleep with him just because that's what he wanted? Neither would be right or fair.

It sucks because nobody gets what they want. You feel like he rejects your friendship. He also feels rejected and disappointed. But that's still better for both of you than a one-sided relationship, I think at least.

Last edited by tankyguy; 08-17-2014 at 10:15 AM.
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:24 AM   #1274
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It sucks because nobody gets what they want. You feel like he rejects your friendship. He also feels rejected and disappointed. But that's still better for both of you than a one-sided relationship, I think at least.
This is always a particularly frustrating situation.

I think a lot of the frustration for women happens when this is a frequent occurrence, and it starts to feel like your friendship just isn't worth anything. In a sort of, "I want you THIS way, but that's the only way."

But I think the male side is just as valid. Given the dynamics of romance, women don't have to deal with what men do nearly as much (meaning, unrequited feelings or rejection.) And with both sex AND romantic-crush feelings being possible explanations, it can be harder to empathize if you assume sex definitively plays a role. Since men are generally instructed to show less emotion, that makes sexualization, often, a more likely assumption (which is unfair.)

Pretty much everyone loses in these kinds of situations, and there's no good way to "fix" it.

But...in regards to Esther's case, it's super shitty to lose out on career help because of it. If you offer to help someone, it shouldn't be contingent on anything like that.
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Old 08-17-2014, 11:25 AM   #1275
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But...in regards to Esther's case, it's super shitty to lose out on career help because of it. If you offer to help someone, it shouldn't be contingent on anything like that.
The part of me that wants to see the good in people says that maybe he didn't consciously make it contingent on anything, and at the time genuinely meant it, but now he's dealing with a reminder of a bruised heart and ego.

This is why I tend to not make promises like that. If I was in a position to help Esther I'd say nothing to her and put out some feelers and then come to her only if I came back with some leads. That way there's no expectations or disappointment on her part. Like the time a work acquaintance was moving; he didn't ask me and I didn't volunteer to help, but I made sure to be passing by that morning and offered on the spot. If I had been sick or couldn't make it, it would have been a disappointment to him. Instead my help was a pleasant surprise and I'd like to think he didn't feel as much social obligation to pay me back because I didn't make a show of giving up my Saturday to help him in front of other people.
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