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Old 08-17-2014, 11:42 AM   #1276
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Originally Posted by Esther View Post
I made a new friend a few weeks ago who offered to help me get a job at his school when he heard mine was downsizing. We ran into each other a few times in groups and had a good time talking about our hometowns since they are nearby in Canada. Then one day he asked me what I did on the weekend, and I explained that I went to a nearby military base to visit my boyfriend. He read my message and has since stopped replying to everything and now ignores me in public.

THANKS. Nice to know my friendship is worthless and I am now undeserving of your help because you won't have the opportunity to possibly sleep with me.
Think of it the other way - he lost out and you got saved from a lot of wasted time, energy, effort, and emotion.
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Old 08-17-2014, 11:45 AM   #1277
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I post a picture of my fiancée or something that has to do with her and I get 33 likes and 9 comments.

I post something I wrote from the heart and I get two likes.

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Old 08-17-2014, 04:15 PM   #1278
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I made a new friend a few weeks ago who offered to help me get a job at his school when he heard mine was downsizing. We ran into each other a few times in groups and had a good time talking about our hometowns since they are nearby in Canada. Then one day he asked me what I did on the weekend, and I explained that I went to a nearby military base to visit my boyfriend
*immediately stops reading, puts on ignore list*
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Old 08-17-2014, 04:54 PM   #1279
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This is always a particularly frustrating situation.

I think a lot of the frustration for women happens when this is a frequent occurrence, and it starts to feel like your friendship just isn't worth anything. In a sort of, "I want you THIS way, but that's the only way."
Having thought about it some more, I think this swings both ways. With trying not to sound resentful, I've always been the Funny Fat Guy with the women I know offline. At best, the guy they bring their broken computer to, official Lifter of Heavy Things(TM) and occasionally creeper repellant. Stereotypical man things (but you know, not Marvel's Man-Thing ) that I feel like I fill in for when they don't have a real boyfriend or he's not around. But I'm never considered boyfriend material myself based on their turn downs. That too is equally frustrating I feel and I think is a form of "I want you THIS way, but that's the only way."

I guess all I know is one has to keep trying to make a connection with people and hope you get lucky and the other person wants the same kind of connection with you as you do with them. This won't always be the case. C'est la vie.

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Old 08-18-2014, 04:36 AM   #1280
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Being a guy who's been in similar situations, either crushing on someone who I later found out was taken or someone who just wanted to be friends, I think his reaction sounds reasonable.

Things could have gone better of course, but they could have been worse. All in all, walking away is probably one of the better, mature ways of handing it, especially if his feelings are still raw.

I don't think it's fair to expect someone to stay in a relationship when they are not getting what they want from it just to please the other person. You wanted a friend and a career connection. He wanted a romantic relationship and/or sex. Should he should set his needs and feelings aside for yours? Would you do the same and sleep with him just because that's what he wanted? Neither would be right or fair.

It sucks because nobody gets what they want. You feel like he rejects your friendship. He also feels rejected and disappointed. But that's still better for both of you than a one-sided relationship, I think at least.
His expectations/reaction were not reasonable because he never expressed it to me. He was dishonest, and I was not. I was under the impression that his school needed somebody to work there, he heard that I needed a job, so he offered to hook me up.

So his intention was actually a relationship/sex? How the fuck was I supposed to know that when he approached it as offering to help me find a job? Am I supposed to assume that every person I meet in this country of the opposite sex just wants to sleep with me? Did I do something wrong by not immediately shouting out that I have a boyfriend? I didn't think it was relevant because I have plenty of male friends here, and he didn't act like this had anything to do with a sexual relationship.

The entire situation was absolutely ridiculous, and if he wanted sex he should have been honest about it instead of trying to lure me to work at his school with him. Then i could have spent this time seeking another job because I was honest about my intentions the entire time.

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Old 08-18-2014, 07:32 AM   #1281
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Originally Posted by BigChaz View Post
Think of it the other way - he lost out and you got saved from a lot of wasted time, energy, effort, and emotion.
It makes me feel a little better to view it this way. At least I didn't take the job and then end up in a horrible situation.

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I think a lot of the frustration for women happens when this is a frequent occurrence, and it starts to feel like your friendship just isn't worth anything. In a sort of, "I want you THIS way, but that's the only way."

But...in regards to Esther's case, it's super shitty to lose out on career help because of it. If you offer to help someone, it shouldn't be contingent on anything like that.
^^
This doesn't happen to me frequently, but I find it baffling when it does. I don't feel like I should be treated as if I have done something wrong or offensive by not being sexually available to somebody. I also don't like being treated as if I have been misleading because I didn't mention my relationship - *especially* when the person never expressed a desire for that. It's not like I was avoiding talking about it. It just was not at all relevant to anything we talked about when we ran into each other, nor was my boyfriend present at the time because he lives on a nearby military base. I mentioned it when it became relevant.

The only thing I did wrong here was mistakenly believe that somebody would offer me help without expecting something in return. I should have known better.

Last edited by Esther; 08-18-2014 at 07:59 AM.
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Old 08-18-2014, 11:17 AM   #1282
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His expectations/reaction were not reasonable because he never expressed it to me. He was dishonest, and I was not. I was under the impression that his school needed somebody to work there, he heard that I needed a job, so he offered to hook me up.

So his intention was actually a relationship/sex? How the fuck was I supposed to know that when he approached it as offering to help me find a job? Am I supposed to assume that every person I meet in this country of the opposite sex just wants to sleep with me? Did I do something wrong by not immediately shouting out that I have a boyfriend? I didn't think it was relevant because I have plenty of male friends here, and he didn't act like this had anything to do with a sexual relationship.
It's not for me to say anything for sure; I'm just going by what you said since you're the one who actually experienced this first hand. You have more of the details and I can't have your POV. Also, I apologize if it sounded like I was telling you how to feel.

I was just offering my POV as a guy who's been on the other side of similar situations. I do think, again this is just my opinion, that of all the possible responses, him walking away was one of the better outcomes. He didn't flip out and blame you for 'leading him on'. He didn't become violent. He didn't linger and become a Nice Guy orbiter or stalker. By walking away, you don't have to see him or deal with him again (hopefully).


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This doesn't happen to me frequently, but I find it baffling when it does. I don't feel like I should be treated as if I have done something wrong or offensive by not being sexually available to somebody. I also don't like being treated as if I have been misleading because I didn't mention my relationship - *especially* when the person never expressed a desire for that. It's not like I was avoiding talking about it. It just was not at all relevant to anything we talked about when we ran into each other, nor was my boyfriend present at the time because he lives on a nearby military base. I mentioned it when it became relevant.
Nobody said you were being misleading or did anything wrong. Again, I apologize if it sounded like I was. I'm trying very hard to express that I don't necessarily believe anyone is at fault.

But I do feel like you're now holding him to a double standard. You say you don't like being treated as if you have been misleading because you didn't mention your boyfriend in the few weeks you've known him, but you feel your ex-friend was misleading because he didn't confess an attraction to you in that same time frame. I don't think that's fair.

Setting aside he may have only developed romantic feelings for you after extending the offer for job help and subsequently spending time with you, I don't think a few weeks knowing someone is an unreasonable amount of time to allow a guy to assess his feeling for someone or get up the nerve to ask them out romantically. I suspect when he was asking you what you did on the weekends, he was about to do just that.

I'm hesitant to automatically attribute malice or dishonesty to any guy who doesn't immediately lay himself bare. Not all guys are brimming with confidence to ask out someone they fancy before getting comfortable around them a while. I'm personally one of them.

I just wanted to better explain my viewpoint. I'm going drop the subject because you know your experience better than I. Just know that I'm in no way blaming you or feel you're at fault and you have my sympathy for a bad deal all around.

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Old 08-18-2014, 03:36 PM   #1283
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I got laid off today at my job because I didn't advance far enough into the position and with fall coming up, they don't need so many cooks.
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Old 08-18-2014, 04:53 PM   #1284
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I got laid off today at my job because I didn't advance far enough into the position and with fall coming up, they don't need so many cooks.
So sorry this happened - been through it and it's rotten. Hope you find something better soon - and make sure you sign up for unemployment immediately!
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Old 08-18-2014, 10:25 PM   #1285
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I feel done with people, especially after today.
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Old 08-19-2014, 07:39 AM   #1286
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Come give Mama a hug.



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I feel done with people, especially after today.
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Old 08-19-2014, 08:08 AM   #1287
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But I do feel like you're now holding him to a double standard. You say you don't like being treated as if you have been misleading because you didn't mention your boyfriend in the few weeks you've known him, but you feel your ex-friend was misleading because he didn't confess an attraction to you in that same time frame. I don't think that's fair.
He was misleading because he approached me to offer me an open position at his school - it's not like I was hounding him or asking about it - pulled me away from my job hunt and caused me to stop pursuing other options, then completely dumped the idea when he realized I had a boyfriend.

That is what I am upset about. This has nothing to do with double standards - me not immediately bringing up my boyfriend is *not* the same thing as pretending to help somebody find a job because you want to fuck them, then leaving them hanging when you discover that they are not sexually available.

I was not misleading. I was honest the entire time. He was misleading - not because he didn't "confess" an attraction to me, but because he never actually gave a shit about helping me, he just wanted to help himself.

I understand what you are trying to get at, but trying to paint this guy as the scorned lover is ridiculous. He has not known me long enough to have been 'heartbroken' by any of this, nor did he know me well enough if he didn't even know I had a boyfriend. What this guy did was shitty. There is no way to sugar coat it.

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I do think, again this is just my opinion, that of all the possible responses, him walking away was one of the better outcomes. He didn't flip out and blame you for 'leading him on'. He didn't become violent. He didn't linger and become a Nice Guy orbiter or stalker. By walking away, you don't have to see him or deal with him again (hopefully).
I need to address this, too - just because somebody doesn't do something worse does not mean what they did was right!

Last edited by Esther; 08-19-2014 at 08:16 AM.
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Old 08-19-2014, 08:10 AM   #1288
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I feel done with people, especially after today.
You ok friend?
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Old 08-20-2014, 06:44 PM   #1289
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I feel done with people, especially after today.
Does it help if I type the words "maple syrup?"
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Old 08-20-2014, 10:15 PM   #1290
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You ok friend?
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Does it help if I type the words "maple syrup?"
Love from two Canadians back to back. How can I ever be done with people?

Thank you all very much. You are too kind.
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Old 08-20-2014, 11:35 PM   #1291
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I have had it with these mother****in' cicadas in my mother****in' yard!

People keep denying climate change, but seriously, these things didn't used to be able to survive in Atlantic Canada. I had to look up what the sound was on the internet because to me it was always the "stock hot summer sound effect they use in movies set in the South".
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Old 08-21-2014, 10:08 AM   #1292
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Wow, totally ignored in all my Canadian glory.

Don't be knocking on my Canadian door anytime, fool.



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Love from two Canadians back to back. How can I ever be done with people?

Thank you all very much. You are too kind.
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Old 08-21-2014, 11:53 AM   #1293
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I have had it with these mother****in' cicadas in my mother****in' yard!

People keep denying climate change, but seriously, these things didn't used to be able to survive in Atlantic Canada. I had to look up what the sound was on the internet because to me it was always the "stock hot summer sound effect they use in movies set in the South".
Heh, cicadas ARE the background noise of summer. They're not THAT bad! I remember when I was little, it seemed fun to find the little "shells" that they shed all over the place. Granted, not so fun if you accidentally happen upon a live bug. Those mother(sorry for tainting your post like this)fuckers are huge.
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Old 08-21-2014, 12:29 PM   #1294
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Default Heh...somewhere out there:

An emergent sentience in insects is taking exception, feeling-somehow marginalized:
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Old 08-21-2014, 12:37 PM   #1295
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Originally Posted by Amaranthine View Post
Heh, cicadas ARE the background noise of summer. They're not THAT bad! I remember when I was little, it seemed fun to find the little "shells" that they shed all over the place. Granted, not so fun if you accidentally happen upon a live bug. Those mother(sorry for tainting your post like this)fuckers are huge.
The sound doesn't bother me at all. It's the fact they're here now and they're not supposed to be. What's next? Fire ants? Africanized bees? Chupacabra?
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Old 08-21-2014, 12:43 PM   #1296
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The sound doesn't bother me at all. It's the fact they're here now and they're not supposed to be. What's next? Fire ants? Africanized bees? Chupacabra?
That's true...

As for my area, it's been a cooler summer than usual. You just took all our cicadas. I figure humans are inevitably going to stupidly destroy the world eventually...hopefully before insects gain full sentience Or perhaps that'll be the Earth's way of eliminating the problem, and we'll all be the victims of giant, genius insects. Not the apocalypse I was hoping for.
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Old 08-21-2014, 01:31 PM   #1297
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That's true...

As for my area, it's been a cooler summer than usual. You just took all our cicadas.
We've got a number of weird bugs this year I don't recognize; long black beetles with a proboscis and red wings. Also some type slender green bug that looked like a cross between a grasshopper and a mantis that hopped/flew off my patio, to name a couple.

Quote:
I figure humans are inevitably going to stupidly destroy the world eventually...hopefully before insects gain full sentience Or perhaps that'll be the Earth's way of eliminating the problem, and we'll all be the victims of giant, genius insects. Not the apocalypse I was hoping for.
Now you've got me thinking about B-movies and the archive of MST3K I have to get around to watching.
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Old 08-22-2014, 02:25 PM   #1298
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So much bullshit and talking about bullshit.

And chew with your fucking mouth closed and for the love of all things holy, I don't want to hear you try and get every tiny bit of yogurt out of your cup. One day you're going to bust through the plastic and stab yourself in the thigh.

Ugh. AND SHUT UP.

Last edited by Surlysomething; 08-22-2014 at 02:26 PM. Reason: STOP LOOKING AT ME
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Old 08-23-2014, 04:34 AM   #1299
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Originally Posted by Amaranthine View Post
That's true...

As for my area, it's been a cooler summer than usual. You just took all our cicadas. I figure humans are inevitably going to stupidly destroy the world eventually...hopefully before insects gain full sentience Or perhaps that'll be the Earth's way of eliminating the problem, and we'll all be the victims of giant, genius insects. Not the apocalypse I was hoping for.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tankyguy View Post
We've got a number of weird bugs this year I don't recognize; long black beetles with a proboscis and red wings. Also some type slender green bug that looked like a cross between a grasshopper and a mantis that hopped/flew off my patio, to name a couple.



Now you've got me thinking about B-movies and the archive of MST3K I have to get around to watching.
Had a fight with a wasp on a train platform yesterday, and I do believe I may have looked a tiny bit mental to the people 30yards away as I punched and swore at what would have looked like fresh air.
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Old 08-23-2014, 07:20 AM   #1300
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Had a fight with a wasp on a train platform yesterday, and I do believe I may have looked a tiny bit mental to the people 30yards away as I punched and swore at what would have looked like fresh air.
Been there.

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