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Old 05-22-2012, 01:59 PM   #1
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Default When you love your friends, but...

... they can't accept your weight.

I have 3 close friends. Two of them (guys) couldn't care less about my weight. The other (girl), whom I love and adore, will not let it drop.

I find it very hard to make a stand about this. I've tried before- saying that I'm comfortable with my appearance, that if I do lose weight it will be at my own initiative, in my own time, and because I've changed my lifestyle not because I'm trying to lose weight.

To explain that last bit, I'm trying to eat less junk food and exercise more, to which the goal is to try for a HAES lifestyle. This has caused...more a change in shape than a change in weight, but it's got my friend dropping those kinda comments about how I've lost so much weight and how proud she is of me and how worried she was about my size and, the kicker, "I'm glad you're finally dropping that fat-is-beautiful crap."

I've tried very hard to talk to her about this, and she has finally accepted that I will never be thin and that I don't want to be, and is fine with that. But she still clings to this idea of there being "fat" and "oh god thats disgusting fat", and she isn't comfortable with me being ok with what she sees as the "oh god thats disgusting" side of the fat spectrum. For example, I can't go to the theatre in London because trying to fit in the seats causes me excruciating pain. She finds this horrific, and definately not in the same context I do. -_-

In other ways, she is amazing, but she is never going to be OK with this, and it irks me. Because my acceptance of my own body and appearance is important to me - not in a big showy way but in that its a part of my everyday self image and my life. My refusal to feel body shame has changed my life in so many positive ways. It hurts that she can't see this, however much I try to explain, because in her head I'm sick and she wants that to change. She's coming from a good place but..

ARGH!

Know what I mean?

The other day I was hanging at another friends house and he was using my belly for a pillow (I make a frickin EPIC pillow) and he said he was glad I was big because it made me more cuddly and soft. It was nice to have someone say something positive about my body, completely out of the blue and fishingless, that wasnt sex related or deliberately focusing away from my fat self. I guess I just wish I could get that from my female friend too rather than her comments making me feel like I should doubt my own convictions.
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Old 05-22-2012, 02:43 PM   #2
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I used to have friends like that. I stopped hanging out with them by making excuses on why I couldn't. After a whole year had passed without seeing them again... they got the point.

They still don't agree with me and never will, but they've learned that they need to shut up for their own good every once in awhile.
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Old 05-22-2012, 08:02 PM   #3
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I know what you mean. Those are the friends I now spend as little time as possible with, unfortunately.

I do have one friend story with a twist. She's beautiful, tall and big and has always hated her fat. She was thin until her late teens, thin privilege being something that's totally alien to me, but she misses it so much that even when she slimmed down from a size 24 to a 16 she still would punch her leg and say how much she hated her 'fat fucking body'. Her husband adores her. He's not an FA, just loved her beauty and personality and that carried over to what he believes is her beautiful body. Meanwhile she's finding fad diet after fad diet and some are quite dangerous and controversial. If she could get her hands on a tapeworm....well, I wouldn't put it past this otherwise accomplished brilliant lovely woman.

And it irks her to the point of rage sometimes that I'd always been really happy with my body and believed I was beautiful. I've brought up size acceptance in conversation and it drives her nuts. She always apologizes by saying, 'I don't have your confidence, Lainey and I just don't believe it's normal for men to love fat women and for fat women to be happy. It's mentally abnormal.' and then she goes off on a dethfatz rant and I know the conversation is over.

Five years ago my health was very poor and I made a decision to lose weight. Actually, I planned on WLS, then changed my mind. I lost a great deal of weight and continue to do so steadily because while I loved myself at my heaviest, I am happier being more mobile and in my specific case, healthier. If I was beautiful then, I'm more beautiful now. That goes for confidence too. Her response to pics I post on my FB wall is total stonewall silence. In fact, she's stopped talking to me except to say 'don't screw it up' which I find ironic since in five years, I've been pretty steady and she's been unable to keep any of it off and could never find any inner peace so I don't know how the fuck she finds the balls to admonish me. I never put her down when she dieted. I gently stated that I was concerned for her health and left it at that.

I'm now my smallest adult weight ever, which is still bigger than her heaviest and I'm ecstatic because I can walk around big stores and have more clothes choices, etc. No matter how many blessings she has in her life, her weight-loss obsession has by her own admission, polluted her happiness, her health and ability to enjoy her life as is.

I love her and the door to my friendship never closes, but her rejection of her own fat, not mine, has definitely affected how we relate to each other.
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Old 05-28-2012, 10:23 AM   #4
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I have friends like that, too.

When a friend (who is trying to show concern for me) comments about my weight I always tell them that I appreciate their concern and that I understand that their concern is coming from a good place. However, I am happy as I am. I am soft, cuddly and comfortable with my size, my personality and the way that I look. If they continue to press me about my size or comment about how unhealthy it is, I go on to say that thin people have health issues, too. If they urge me further, I simply state that MY friends should be as supportive of me as I am of them and anyone who wishes to remain friends with me will understand that I am my own person and that I don't think that being a big girl is a curse. I think of it as a blessing. My "friends" won't mind how I look because they love me for me--and anyone who has a problem with it should probably find a new friend because I am not going to change who I am for ANYONE. If and when I am ready to lose weight it will be for me and me alone.
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Old 05-28-2012, 10:17 PM   #5
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I'm fat and so are my girlfriends, so they don't get on my case to diet.
However, some of them are self-hating fatties, and I can't stand when they put themselves down for their weight.
My family members who used to lecture me, are either dead or have given up.
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Old 05-29-2012, 07:42 PM   #6
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I guess I've been somewhat fortunate that I've never really had friends who couldn't accept the fact that I was fat, atleast not openly. If anything, I have friends that have.... I guess... excused me in being fat, I guess I should say? Whenever they make a comment or talk bad about another fat person right away they say... "No, but not you. " I've even had one person tell me.."Oh no... you're not fat.. not fat at all.. maybe big boned but not fat" and I was easily over 300lbs then, lol.
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Old 05-30-2012, 10:41 AM   #7
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Quote:
In fact, she's stopped talking to me except to say 'don't screw it up' which I find ironic since in five years, I've been pretty steady and she's been unable to keep any of it off and could never find any inner peace so I don't know how the fuck she finds the balls to admonish me.
I'm honestly wondering if she is jealous of your weight loss success and possibly might even feel threatened by it. In any case, that sucks!!!

I've never had friends make any comments about my weight. I do have friends that tell me I'm not fat. To which I laugh at and say OH yes I am...They just don't see it cuz they love me Most of them don't understand that I am ok with being fat and you cannot insult me by calling me fat either.
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Old 05-31-2012, 12:53 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Shan34 View Post
I'm honestly wondering if she is jealous of your weight loss success and possibly might even feel threatened by it. In any case, that sucks!!!

I've never had friends make any comments about my weight. I do have friends that tell me I'm not fat. To which I laugh at and say OH yes I am...They just don't see it cuz they love me Most of them don't understand that I am ok with being fat and you cannot insult me by calling me fat either.
Agreed. They view the word "fat" as something so negative that even if you are fat, they can't say it. The word has been so demonized that it's not even used to describe something, it's just got such a negative connotation.

All in all, I feel like I make a bigger deal out of my weight than any of my friends do. And it's usually not bad for me until I'm meeting new people. I don't know why, but I guess there will always be a part of me that is self conscious that I don't look like everyone else.
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Old 06-14-2012, 09:00 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by lozonloz View Post
... they can't accept your weight.

I have 3 close friends. Two of them (guys) couldn't care less about my weight. The other (girl), whom I love and adore, will not let it drop.

I find it very hard to make a stand about this. I've tried before- saying that I'm comfortable with my appearance, that if I do lose weight it will be at my own initiative, in my own time, and because I've changed my lifestyle not because I'm trying to lose weight.

To explain that last bit, I'm trying to eat less junk food and exercise more, to which the goal is to try for a HAES lifestyle. This has caused...more a change in shape than a change in weight, but it's got my friend dropping those kinda comments about how I've lost so much weight and how proud she is of me and how worried she was about my size and, the kicker, "I'm glad you're finally dropping that fat-is-beautiful crap."

I've tried very hard to talk to her about this, and she has finally accepted that I will never be thin and that I don't want to be, and is fine with that. But she still clings to this idea of there being "fat" and "oh god thats disgusting fat", and she isn't comfortable with me being ok with what she sees as the "oh god thats disgusting" side of the fat spectrum. For example, I can't go to the theatre in London because trying to fit in the seats causes me excruciating pain. She finds this horrific, and definately not in the same context I do. -_-

In other ways, she is amazing, but she is never going to be OK with this, and it irks me. Because my acceptance of my own body and appearance is important to me - not in a big showy way but in that its a part of my everyday self image and my life. My refusal to feel body shame has changed my life in so many positive ways. It hurts that she can't see this, however much I try to explain, because in her head I'm sick and she wants that to change. She's coming from a good place but..

ARGH!

Know what I mean?

The other day I was hanging at another friends house and he was using my belly for a pillow (I make a frickin EPIC pillow) and he said he was glad I was big because it made me more cuddly and soft. It was nice to have someone say something positive about my body, completely out of the blue and fishingless, that wasnt sex related or deliberately focusing away from my fat self. I guess I just wish I could get that from my female friend too rather than her comments making me feel like I should doubt my own convictions.
I have gone through this with people too as I have also done my best to take care of my health better over the last year. However the hardest person I have had to deal with this issue with is my husband.
Recently he had been out of breath and after nagging him to go to the doctor he had to go through stress test and finally ended up getting angioplasty and a 40mm stent put in. He has always been active but with this scare ramped up his diet and exercise regimen. He has lost close to what I have in a year in the last 6weeks and is very obsessed with it all. Living with someone that is monitoring what everyone in the house is eating and how active they are has been very stressful and we had a few "discussions" about balance, Finally one day he was looking in the mirror in front of me and going on and on about how he is getting leaner and so glad to have lost that gross fat as he was so disgusting and blah blah blah. I opened up and let him have it reminding him that he lives with two fat people and is that really what he thinks of us, that I was tired of the judgemental attitudes and monitoring and he could just keep his opinions to himself. I closed with if you think you are going to be getting any of this( as I ran my hands over my body) with that attitude you have another thing coming.LOL.


He broke out crying as he had not realized what he was saying and doing as he was obsessed with recovery and what he felt he needed to do. He was in his mind just sharing the research he had done and wanted is to be healthy too. We had a long talk/cry together and requested that we let him know when something comes out of his mouth that is hurtful as he did not intend to hurt his wife and son.

Maybe your friend needs for you to open up on her and get a reality check. Often people do not get it when we sit calmly with them and try to share our truth because their own dialogue is going on in their head and they are not really listening to you. If she understands the passion and pain it causes she may finally get it?
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Old 06-25-2012, 08:17 PM   #10
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Tell her weight talk is not acceptable. If she doesnt listen, drop her and don't look back. I have zero tolerance for people like that. The whole world wants to make me feel bad. I don't need friends doing it too.

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Old 07-09-2012, 02:23 PM   #11
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I blow most of my friends minds when it comes to self acceptance and fat hate. Now, I don't have many friends, but I can tell you that most of them are not accustom to having a size 18/20 friend who prances around in a bikini. I don't get in arguments about fat, I get in arguments about how awesome my jiggly belly is, how my bf plays with it and makes me giggle when he does. The only person I talk to about fat hate is my best friend who is thick and not so comfortable with herself, I try to talk to her and preach my confidence into her.

I can understand not wanting to lose a close friend over something like this and I understand it is a really personal issue for you, as it is for most of us on dimensions. That's why my suggestion is, the next time she brings it up, very directly and blatantly tell her you do not want to talk about it ever. There are things that I will never agree with that some of my friends believe very strongly.

For instance, I believe abortion should be reserved for rape cases, any case that endangers the mother life, or if there is a very high chance of the child having serious problems upon birth(I'm sure there is more I just can't think of). I have friends who believe abortion should be available to everyone and it should be a 'no questions asked' kind of deal. To keep our friendship we just don't talk about it, we don't mention it, we don't hint at it. It's one of those things that the passion we feel for our beliefs could very easily ruin what was a wonderful friendship.

Sometimes you can't convince someone, even if it's for their happiness like self love generally is.
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Old 07-14-2012, 08:38 AM   #12
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I have a friend who constantly comments on what I eat and who doesnt notice that I have lost weight -She is very critical and actually quite mean at times..... Why AM I her friend??
The ironic thing is she thinks she is a size 14/16 when in fact she is at least a 22. Her thighs and backside are far bigger than mine but because I have a big belly she considers herself so much smaller than me and wont have that we are in fact very similar in size.
She just cannot see that squeezing herself into clothes (stretchy joggers) so many sizes too small is making her look terrible. Fuller figures need clothes that fit to be sexy, she is just bursting out of all of hers and thinks thats sexy.

I have delicately tried to suggest she gets a slightly bigger top but she just goes off on one - her face when she realised I wore a smaller backed bra than her said it all - sheer disbelief until I removed my bra in a ninja no clothes removal fashion to show her.

I have started having less to do with her really, I just find her negativity towards me and my changing figure toxic. I dont want to be slim, just a bit fitter (I have health issues) but she does her best to sabotage anything I do.
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Old 07-14-2012, 09:36 AM   #13
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I had a friend like that but I had to remove her from my life a long time ago. We met in high school and I was slimmer back during those times. Then I started putting on weight and she would criticize me. Plus she was so shallow, I couldn't stand it. I got tired of it. I only welcome people in my life who are cool and that I can relate to and not judgmental. If you can't accept the way I look, go bye bye. It's not that hard.
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Old 07-15-2012, 09:30 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by willow173 View Post
I have a friend who constantly comments on what I eat and who doesnt notice that I have lost weight -She is very critical and actually quite mean at times..... Why AM I her friend??
The ironic thing is she thinks she is a size 14/16 when in fact she is at least a 22. Her thighs and backside are far bigger than mine but because I have a big belly she considers herself so much smaller than me and wont have that we are in fact very similar in size.
She just cannot see that squeezing herself into clothes (stretchy joggers) so many sizes too small is making her look terrible. Fuller figures need clothes that fit to be sexy, she is just bursting out of all of hers and thinks thats sexy.
I have delicately tried to suggest she gets a slightly bigger top but she just goes off on one - her face when she realised I wore a smaller backed bra than her said it all - sheer disbelief until I removed my bra in a ninja no clothes removal fashion to show her.

I have started having less to do with her really, I just find her negativity towards me and my changing figure toxic. I dont want to be slim, just a bit fitter (I have health issues) but she does her best to sabotage anything I do.
While I do not agree with your statement that I bolded as I think fat/big women can/do look good/sexy/attractive in "too tight" clothes (we should be able to wear them too)... I would have a very difficult time with a "friend" like this. If she truly is your friend then I think she can take a bit more of a blunt and firm discussion with you about letting her know that you do not appreciate nor want to hear her negative opinions.

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Old 07-16-2012, 09:55 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by willow173 View Post
I have a friend who constantly comments on what I eat and who doesnt notice that I have lost weight -She is very critical and actually quite mean at times..... Why AM I her friend??
The ironic thing is she thinks she is a size 14/16 when in fact she is at least a 22. Her thighs and backside are far bigger than mine but because I have a big belly she considers herself so much smaller than me and wont have that we are in fact very similar in size.
She just cannot see that squeezing herself into clothes (stretchy joggers) so many sizes too small is making her look terrible. Fuller figures need clothes that fit to be sexy, she is just bursting out of all of hers and thinks thats sexy.
I have a friend like this--quite a bit larger than the rest of the group, but still insists that she's a size 18, or 22, or whatever the smallest size is that will stretch out to fit her. She can also be quite critical, claiming that everyone around her (i.e. the rest of the group, aside from the "token" skinny friend) is so much larger than she and her husband are. Fortunately, this "friend" moved away recently.

I'm just curious, though: is this a form of body dysmorphia?
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Old 07-16-2012, 03:35 PM   #16
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Ohhh I had not thought of it that way, it could well be a dysmorphia thing.

That or as has been suggested to me, a need to feel Superior to some one.

Either way, its a tough thing to not bite back at times.
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Old 07-17-2012, 12:33 AM   #17
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Or it could just be denial.

I worked with someone who was still shopping in the Juniors department with her daughter who she had really young and was clearly competing with and she was always buying clothes that weren't just tight but didn't fit at all because she wouldn't even consider the idea that she was plus-size. Her friends tried to tactfully tell her, They have sexy plus-size clothes too, and she'd say she wasn't plus-size, even when she was a size 24.
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Old 07-17-2012, 01:45 AM   #18
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Yeah, and this is why I have very few female friends, because around here yo-yo-dieting is very common, and most of my family has done it at some time or another.
around 16 I gave up diets and eat whatever I'm hungry for, and you know what, I feel a lot better. Especially since back when I went on diets I always veered into Eating Disorder territory and would cease eating for 24 hours at a time in an effort to "force my body to dig into fat stores".
Of course later I would be told that this was a bad idea and I either "needed to stop eating altogether for a week or two" or I needed to work out 40 calorie meals and eat them 6 times a day.
Because that's totally healthy, right?
I hate diets, and I hate that people never cite actual scientific data for their "diet tips" they just assume I need to be on a diet and/or must hate my body.

So I avoid making local female friends.
That, and it doesn't help that I'm atheist, pro-choice and pro-birth control, pro-Secularism, anti-political party, and pro-social equality. I'm also aware of privilege for my race and my cis-ness, and I tend to make whites, males, hetero, and christian people aware of their privilege. Which nobody likes. Especially not thin people.
I also write a lot, and I love other cultures--when well, there's a lot of xenophobic people around here who assume the n-word is okay to use in everyday conversation and talk down Mexican and Indian food when it is DELICIOUS and they refuse to give it a chance because it is "not american".

Add this to the fact that I'm totally cool with spending long hours at home online and entertaining myself, or even hiking alone and skipping human interaction for online social stuff....and no, I've not made any friends. It's hard to find them, hard to keep them, and I always disagree with people on stuff, especially religion and my pro-choice/pro-sex-ed stance.

This is why I literally have no friends from high school, and no friends from college, and all of my friends are guys that I have nerd and writer interests in common with.
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Old 07-17-2012, 03:04 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nenona View Post
... I have very few female friends..I hate...and I hate that people never cite actual scientific data ...they just assume...I avoid making local female friends...I'm...ist, pro...and pro, pro- anti...and pro. I'm also aware of...cis-ness, and I tend to make...people aware of...Which nobody likes....I also...and I love... I'm totally cool with...
Wow, that's so strange because...you really sound like you'd be a lot of fun. I'm thinking: just pick like one or five of these things to not mention on meeting someone for the very first time. You know, hold back a bit, keep some of the mystery. Save that for someone who's really ready to appreciate "all of this." Then, maybe, the myriad of differences you have with most of the people around you will be interpreted in a different context. Yannow? Work on shared-values first and establish some sort of rapport; then worry about trying to "teach people" about all of this other stuff. Just an idear.

Last edited by Yakatori; 07-17-2012 at 03:13 PM. Reason: Heh..oops
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Old 07-23-2012, 08:14 AM   #20
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I have some girl friends, but I actually prefer the company of 4-legged cats.
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Old 08-05-2012, 06:22 AM   #21
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I'm watching an episode of Dr Phil right now... and this girl, 380, has been taken on the show by her 2 skinny friends because they are "embarrassed to go out with her"... why would you hang out with "friends" like that?

Being an almost 300 pound girl myself, I have had some assholes say some messed up things to me, but I am definitely not friends with them. Why do some fatties hang out with people (both fat and skinny) who have a problem with being big? If you can't embrace who your friends are-- why are they your friends???
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Old 08-08-2012, 09:22 AM   #22
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When I was single and would go out dancing with my closest girlfriend, she just couldn't believe the way men would ignore her and give their attention to me. She was honestly flabbergasted. Now it wasn't always like that, but there were many nights that were. And it's kind of funny because she dresses for attention if you know what I mean. But that's my girlfriend and I love her, flaws included.

I feel she may finally believe me now that not all men like the skinny minny
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Old 08-09-2012, 11:59 AM   #23
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Self-respect requires you to sometimes make choices that aren't pleasant for other people. If you've got a "friend" who causes you so much distress that you're posting about it on a message board...that's not much of a friend, regardless of whatever positive qualities she has that you like.

Give her one last chance to hear you out and get your point. Be as frank as you can, because there's nothing to lose: If she doesn't respect your choice, then part ways with her. You don't need people like that in your life tearing you down.
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Old 09-14-2012, 01:05 PM   #24
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So, update on this situation, my friend has now come over to the dark side!

The dark, chocolately side of the fat acceptance movement!

My friend and I actually know each other, and met, because our families are very interconnected- my mum is friends with her uncle and her gran and our grandads worked / drank together and my uncle is married to her aunt etc etc.... So we see alot of each others families.

And my family talk about my weight behind my back alot. They've learned not to do it to my face.

So one day my friend is at my uncles house and hes talking about me being fat and she discovers that she is actually irritated by this (incidentally WAHEY I GOT THROUGH TO HER), and gets steadily more and more irritated as the evening goes on. Eventually she snaps and yells at him and calls him a raving hypocrite. As far as she told me later, the rant was something like:

"You smoke. And you smoke weed. And you drink like a fish, and you don't feel like you have to apologise for that. *turns to aunt* YOU drink even more, and will only eat processed food, and smoke as well. In fact, everyone in this family and Loz's family smoke except for her mother, who is a functioning alcoholic. We have NO RIGHT TO JUDGE HER. She is a big girl and she is fine with that, so we should all get off her back and be fine with it too *storms out*".

...YAY!

I mean, she still thinks I'm unhealthy cos I'm big, but she no longer thinks it's a reason to judge me or bug me about losing weight, and she defended me to my family, so YAY.

YAYYAYYAY.

Progress!

Now to start slipping HAES leaflets into her Stephen King collection...
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Old 10-04-2012, 11:56 AM   #25
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It's odd when I'm with my buddies and they know I prefer BBWs. They look like me like I'm an idiot, blind, or fill in another insult that fits I guess. I make the claim that its no different than a guy liking breasts over butts, white or black or asain or what ever race over another. Why is mine so much worse? They can never give a valid answer which I use to show them that they are acting close minded.
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