Borderline Personality Disorder? - Page 2

**largenlovely** · 08-12-2013, 06:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by petersmyth79

i have ptsd and depression, also have asperger's syndrome(diagnosed at age 6). i know what you mean about the stigma attached to anything to do with disorders, disabilities, syndromes, depression etc. more people than you'd think assume that i'm full of shit and that i'm simply lazy and difficult. anyone that believes me, that i am disabled almost instantly goes to the typical"mental problems" cliche` that i'm obviously stupid and slow and difficult; and so they start treating me as such. lol aren't people lovely! group therapy was a waste of time for me too, the other people in the group were like "why are you here if you're not on drugs?" i guess because i seem fine ppl assume that i am. so yeah, that's my rant(sorry to go slightly off topic). hope i have not offended or pissed anyone off(sorry if i have).

No offense whatsoever. Group therapy seemed like a waste of time to me but I finally reached a point where I felt like it has helped. it took a while though. I had some sort of cathartic breakthrough moment lol.

The sigma is horrible though. If I'm honest about what I'm dealing with, people run screaming for the hills. I've had people distance themselves from me because of it. Never mind that I'm trying to correct it and that borderline personality disorder can be "cured" if I stick with therapy and learn the skills that I need to learn...suddenly I'm just crazy. It's frustrating for sure because I'm really trying hard to do all the work to make this right. The PTSD, anxiety and depression will always be something I have to deal with but meds have been helping the depression and anxiety a good bit.

I dunno, it's definitely frustrating for sure.

CarlaSixx · 08-12-2013, 11:30 AM

This week will be two years of attending group and I still don't feel like its helped me at all. I'm debating going in this week cuz last time I was there they were expecting me to be in Toronto that day. Now that my Toronto trip was cancelled... Well... I'm not sure what to do.

**largenlovely** · 08-12-2013, 02:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CarlaSixx

This week will be two years of attending group and I still don't feel like its helped me at all. I'm debating going in this week cuz last time I was there they were expecting me to be in Toronto that day. Now that my Toronto trip was cancelled... Well... I'm not sure what to do.

It's such a shame they don't have a DBT group there. I think that would help. I thought I was a hopeless cause there for a while.

lily352 · 08-12-2013, 08:56 PM

I think the DBT skills are helpful. I know this sounds dumb, but the biggest thing that helped me was being honest. Try not to get too hung up in the diagnosis of it, the name of it. Try to just focus on what you can to get through each day. I found the diary card helpful, annoying, but helpful. At least it made me aware of my feelings as opposed to just not feeling anything and then overwhelmed by every emotion.

**largenlovely** · 08-13-2013, 05:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lily352

I think the DBT skills are helpful. I know this sounds dumb, but the biggest thing that helped me was being honest. Try not to get too hung up in the diagnosis of it, the name of it. Try to just focus on what you can to get through each day. I found the diary card helpful, annoying, but helpful. At least it made me aware of my feelings as opposed to just not feeling anything and then overwhelmed by every emotion.

I'm finding DBT skills helpful too. I'm slowly starting to use them here and there after them beating them into my head for months lol. I think the diary cards have shown me more how I can go from one extreme to another in a matter of minutes, which can prolly be confusing to some lol. It seems so volatile and I'm all over the map. I can be laughing with friends one minute, tell off some asshole in the next breath like I am ready to strangle him with an extreme intensity and then go back to laughing with my friends.

Its like I have this super mean, dominant, angry and volatile person lurking inside that can come out in a second when provoked or I feel threatened. Though I never do the initial attacking. It is always in response to someone being hateful to me but still.

Its hard to gain control of but I feel like I've been making progress. My therapist said yesterday that I've made a good bit of progress since I first started going so I'm happy with that.

**largenlovely** · 08-21-2013, 10:05 PM

I've been disappointed all day. I missed 3 days of appointments because I was unable to walk when I sprained my knee. 2 of those missed were in the actual group and one was my private therapy session. I had to miss another private therapy session today because our car had broken down, though I made it to group yesterday, just barely cuz the car is so messed up.

My therapist called me this morning and said that I have to go on "vacation". This means that because I've missed 4 days, I have to stop going to my current group and can now only go see my private individual therapist once a month until the next group starts and I can rejoin.

What sucks is that it's not like I missed 4 days in the actual group. Now I have to start completely over and we're required to take the group twice. I was over half way done with this first time *sigh*

CarlaSixx · 08-21-2013, 10:23 PM

That really sucks! My peer support group thing never changes. Which sucks. I mean... we really don't do anything but talk about what happened to us during the week, make a goal for the next week, and check in to see if we completed our goal from the previous week, and that's it. SOOOOOO frustrating. And it's been three years of this for me. I hate it.

My group started back up two weeks ago, but I haven't attended. I could've gone at least last week, but didn't want to, because I was extremely depressed about the non-events of the day before. Now I won't be going until probably the second week of September because I don't have a way there until then. And honestly... I'm starting to really not want to go at all. It's not progressing for me. I'm getting worse, and I hate it. I want real therapy, and I am getting none

So much for Canada having a great health care system... they can't find me a therapist at all! Two years without one is way too long.

**largenlovely** · 08-22-2013, 12:33 AM

I don't blame u if it's not helping. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 15 and would stop after a while cuz it wasn't helping. This is the longest I've ever stayed in therapy cuz I'm finally getting the help I need but this is a major disappointment and setback for me. I hate that ur not able to get the help u need. That truly sucks.

alligadeer · 08-22-2013, 06:58 AM

I have to check in to this club, of the disorders. I have a plethora of them as well. Lately, they have really been wreaking havoc on my life, and anything I hold dear. It is a mix of certain manic and depressive highs and lows, anxious condition, and a whole bunch of other stuff that I am not comfortable opening up about yet. But I have been seeking out therapy, while the disorders play yo-yo with all the stuff that I do.

And it's not a fun thing. Sure, my disorder can trick me into just doing absolutely anything, so it makes me dangerous. But that's not even the half of it. Getting to therapy becomes a struggle! It is long distance, and its almost like a commitment of going to the gym, where you wake up and you say, oh, I do not want to go. Well, for those religious amongst us: It is like church, when you feel you don't want to go, that is exactly when you need to go..

And I hear you about the group therapy. I caught the tail end of one of them, and I found myself having Oprah-like identity issues. Meaning, the lady on her show that was trying to compare addictions. (The truth is, an addiction to drugs or alcohol is no different than an addiction to power, sex, money, or material items.) I am presently battling that non-acceptance the lady had. Where you want to invent reasons to set yourself apart, when in reality you are as sick as they come. You push every single person and everything that isn't your flesh and blood away, and even then, you still want them. It is insane.

Let us keep this thread going, because sometimes it seems like that rushed half hour, or hour at the most and usually is a half hour, with the therapist, is not helping, for when the night comes, and your triggers roll around, when they haunt you in your head, and any and everything becomes paranoia, even things that dont have anything to do with you, then paranoia breeds a need for control.. and all anyone, including those that love you deep down inside, want, is for it to stop, for an eventual happy reunion.

This has been going on for years. Now is the time to exterminate the core issues of problems, for a true and genuine happy friendship(s.)

lily352 · 08-22-2013, 01:59 PM

Your peer support group does sound frustrating! Do you have access to the diary cards?

I know it's frustrating to not get to your group and then get "punished" for it. Don't give up on it though. It is a setback, but it will pass and then you'll go again and continue to feel better.

What I did continuously over the past 20 some years is push away the people that care about me the most. Then I'd try to make people worry about me who couldn't really help me. It was an odd cycle. I'm happy to have moved past that point and to have more perspective now.

CarlaSixx · 08-22-2013, 02:55 PM

What are diary cards?

I'm almost a master at manipulating people. And when I can't (and I don't notice that's what I'm doing), I tend to "test" people. When I feel hurt by someone or something, I get into this mode of "testing" everyone around me. Including my dog. I know it's unhealthy, but I don't realize it or think about it until that phase has passed.

**largenlovely** · 08-22-2013, 07:20 PM

Diary cards are little sheets that list every day of the week and u give a summary of ur day and whether out not u acted out and how and if u tried to implement any if ur skills to keep u from acting out.

A lot of my behavior was tons worse before my anti depressants. I would alternate between zoning out and not being aware of anything to being hyper aware and even paying attention to the smallest details such as which words a person used in order to gauge how they felt about me...and of course, I always assumed everyone didn't like me. Self fulfilling prophecy. I still feel that way a lot of times but I'm getting better.

Then there's crazy Melissa but I grew up in a fighting household and fighting was rampant in the schools too. I've been raised in violence, so it's hard to reprogram. I've had to wrestle a gun out of my mothers hands, I pulled a butcher knife on a guy once for hitting me, I've had to take a baseball bat to two guys once who jumped my brother. Shit is real down here, and violent. So I've had to learn to be violent back.

It's difficult when u have been raised in an environment where u have to be that way to protect yourself. You become hard and insecure. It's like everyone is out to hurt you or use you and u have to figure out which one is their angle. It's hard finding the balance between what is healthy and what is considered crazy. It's tough.

ETA: especially when other people are acting crazy and u have to respond to that crazy with equal amounts of crazy lol....the lines blur.

lily352 · 08-23-2013, 04:25 PM

That does sound like a difficult environment, to say the least!
I hope that you're living somewhere a little more tranquil now?

Here's a link to a diary card:

http://dbtselfhelp.com/html/diary_card_1.html

I think there are other versions, but that's the one I found the quickest.

**largenlovely** · 08-25-2013, 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lily352

That does sound like a difficult environment, to say the least!
I hope that you're living somewhere a little more tranquil

it's better since I isolate myself more but I'm hoping to learn enough skills to live in my environment without having to feel forced to be just as crazy as everyone else

**largenlovely** · 08-25-2013, 11:18 PM

I hate when I watch something where someone has done this horrible atrocious thing and then they throw a borderline personality disorder label on them. I hate being lumped in with those people.

Sure, I may have the potential to do some terrible things but only if I'm physically threatened or am attacked. I don't go out looking for shit.

I'm watching some show on stalkers and some woman on here was said to have borderline personality disorder. I've never, and would never, stalk a man. I have too much pride. they've given a few women this diagnosis who have been in the news. It's depressing being lumped into that.

lily352 · 08-27-2013, 01:18 PM

I know exactly what you mean! I love watching true crime shows, but lots of the women on there get that label after they've killed someone or stalked a guy or something.

Just remember to not let your diagnosis define you. You have the diagnosis and now you have a way to treat it, work on it, etc.

I would not however introduce myself to everyone you meet from now on as having it. I have a close friend who really understands what it means for me to have it, and how I cope with certain things. Most people, I never say a word about it.

**largenlovely** · 08-27-2013, 07:46 PM

I've been pretty open about it and have been sharing my experience going through therapy. I have found when I'm open about stuff, it gives other people the courage to feel better about becoming more comfortable with their own issues too. I've had a lot of friends come to me and open up about their issues.

I'm not gonna let it define me but I do worry others will define me by it even though I'm very open about which particular issues at mine. I think people always assume you're still hiding something even worse. Nope, I'm very open about my bad shit lol.

lily352 · 08-28-2013, 01:29 PM

I didn't mean to not be open. blah. It's great that you're open! :-)

**largenlovely** · 08-29-2013, 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lily352

I didn't mean to not be open. blah. It's great that you're open! :-)

Lol I didn't take offense

I was just s' Plaining why I was so open about it but ur right, being open does make it feel like the judgments about it are more harsh

FAinPA · 04-23-2017, 04:15 AM

This is like a four year bump, but I was searching for an old post of mine on manic depression (bipolar) I made five years ago and just can't find it even searching just my posts. Oh well.
When I was starting to get a full psych eval and even brain scans and all in 2009, Borderline and a lot of others you mentioned Melissa came up. So I started educating myself. I read I Hate You, Don't Leave Me (of course) and DBT ultimately has helped me most. I started learning skills in an IOP after a hospitalization in late 2014- early 2015. I relate to a lot of things said here and started out in mental health journey with a lot of the same issues like abuse. Borderline was ruled out for me but I know about it. Gotta finish on topic (hehe)

Tracii · 04-23-2017, 06:24 PM

My Dr suggested Over eaters anonymous because I do suffer from that at times.
I went to a few meetings and saw nothing of value there at all.
I don't like being talked down to like a 12 year old.
Good luck with your therapist Largenlovely.

08-12-2013, 11:30 AM	#27
CarlaSixx Just Another Weirdo Dimensions Supporter Join Date: May 2010 Location: Cornwall, ON, Canada Posts: 3,983	This week will be two years of attending group and I still don't feel like its helped me at all. I'm debating going in this week cuz last time I was there they were expecting me to be in Toronto that day. Now that my Toronto trip was cancelled... Well... I'm not sure what to do. __________________ Curvy Canadian ;) Twitter My Wish List

08-21-2013, 10:23 PM	#32
CarlaSixx Just Another Weirdo Dimensions Supporter Join Date: May 2010 Location: Cornwall, ON, Canada Posts: 3,983	That really sucks! My peer support group thing never changes. Which sucks. I mean... we really don't do anything but talk about what happened to us during the week, make a goal for the next week, and check in to see if we completed our goal from the previous week, and that's it. SOOOOOO frustrating. And it's been three years of this for me. I hate it. My group started back up two weeks ago, but I haven't attended. I could've gone at least last week, but didn't want to, because I was extremely depressed about the non-events of the day before. Now I won't be going until probably the second week of September because I don't have a way there until then. And honestly... I'm starting to really not want to go at all. It's not progressing for me. I'm getting worse, and I hate it. I want real therapy, and I am getting none So much for Canada having a great health care system... they can't find me a therapist at all! Two years without one is way too long. __________________ Curvy Canadian ;) Twitter My Wish List

08-22-2013, 02:55 PM	#36
CarlaSixx Just Another Weirdo Dimensions Supporter Join Date: May 2010 Location: Cornwall, ON, Canada Posts: 3,983	What are diary cards? I'm almost a master at manipulating people. And when I can't (and I don't notice that's what I'm doing), I tend to "test" people. When I feel hurt by someone or something, I get into this mode of "testing" everyone around me. Including my dog. I know it's unhealthy, but I don't realize it or think about it until that phase has passed. __________________ Curvy Canadian ;) Twitter My Wish List

08-22-2013, 07:20 PM	#37
largenlovely Still a Fat Girl lol Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Mobile, Alabama Posts: 5,646	Diary cards are little sheets that list every day of the week and u give a summary of ur day and whether out not u acted out and how and if u tried to implement any if ur skills to keep u from acting out. A lot of my behavior was tons worse before my anti depressants. I would alternate between zoning out and not being aware of anything to being hyper aware and even paying attention to the smallest details such as which words a person used in order to gauge how they felt about me...and of course, I always assumed everyone didn't like me. Self fulfilling prophecy. I still feel that way a lot of times but I'm getting better. Then there's crazy Melissa but I grew up in a fighting household and fighting was rampant in the schools too. I've been raised in violence, so it's hard to reprogram. I've had to wrestle a gun out of my mothers hands, I pulled a butcher knife on a guy once for hitting me, I've had to take a baseball bat to two guys once who jumped my brother. Shit is real down here, and violent. So I've had to learn to be violent back. It's difficult when u have been raised in an environment where u have to be that way to protect yourself. You become hard and insecure. It's like everyone is out to hurt you or use you and u have to figure out which one is their angle. It's hard finding the balance between what is healthy and what is considered crazy. It's tough. ETA: especially when other people are acting crazy and u have to respond to that crazy with equal amounts of crazy lol....the lines blur. Last edited by largenlovely; 08-22-2013 at 07:27 PM.

04-23-2017, 04:15 AM	#45
FAinPA This Darkness Got to Give Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Pittsburgh Posts: 200	This is like a four year bump, but I was searching for an old post of mine on manic depression (bipolar) I made five years ago and just can't find it even searching just my posts. Oh well. When I was starting to get a full psych eval and even brain scans and all in 2009, Borderline and a lot of others you mentioned Melissa came up. So I started educating myself. I read I Hate You, Don't Leave Me (of course) and DBT ultimately has helped me most. I started learning skills in an IOP after a hospitalization in late 2014- early 2015. I relate to a lot of things said here and started out in mental health journey with a lot of the same issues like abuse. Borderline was ruled out for me but I know about it. Gotta finish on topic (hehe) __________________ A box of rain will ease the pain and love will see you through

08-12-2013, 08:56 PM	#29
lily352 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Nashville Posts: 106	I think the DBT skills are helpful. I know this sounds dumb, but the biggest thing that helped me was being honest. Try not to get too hung up in the diagnosis of it, the name of it. Try to just focus on what you can to get through each day. I found the diary card helpful, annoying, but helpful. At least it made me aware of my feelings as opposed to just not feeling anything and then overwhelmed by every emotion.

08-21-2013, 10:05 PM	#31
largenlovely Still a Fat Girl lol Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Mobile, Alabama Posts: 5,646	I've been disappointed all day. I missed 3 days of appointments because I was unable to walk when I sprained my knee. 2 of those missed were in the actual group and one was my private therapy session. I had to miss another private therapy session today because our car had broken down, though I made it to group yesterday, just barely cuz the car is so messed up. My therapist called me this morning and said that I have to go on "vacation". This means that because I've missed 4 days, I have to stop going to my current group and can now only go see my private individual therapist once a month until the next group starts and I can rejoin. What sucks is that it's not like I missed 4 days in the actual group. Now I have to start completely over and we're required to take the group twice. I was over half way done with this first time sigh

08-22-2013, 12:33 AM	#33
largenlovely Still a Fat Girl lol Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Mobile, Alabama Posts: 5,646	I don't blame u if it's not helping. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 15 and would stop after a while cuz it wasn't helping. This is the longest I've ever stayed in therapy cuz I'm finally getting the help I need but this is a major disappointment and setback for me. I hate that ur not able to get the help u need. That truly sucks.

08-22-2013, 06:58 AM	#34
alligadeer Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 7	I have to check in to this club, of the disorders. I have a plethora of them as well. Lately, they have really been wreaking havoc on my life, and anything I hold dear. It is a mix of certain manic and depressive highs and lows, anxious condition, and a whole bunch of other stuff that I am not comfortable opening up about yet. But I have been seeking out therapy, while the disorders play yo-yo with all the stuff that I do. And it's not a fun thing. Sure, my disorder can trick me into just doing absolutely anything, so it makes me dangerous. But that's not even the half of it. Getting to therapy becomes a struggle! It is long distance, and its almost like a commitment of going to the gym, where you wake up and you say, oh, I do not want to go. Well, for those religious amongst us: It is like church, when you feel you don't want to go, that is exactly when you need to go.. And I hear you about the group therapy. I caught the tail end of one of them, and I found myself having Oprah-like identity issues. Meaning, the lady on her show that was trying to compare addictions. (The truth is, an addiction to drugs or alcohol is no different than an addiction to power, sex, money, or material items.) I am presently battling that non-acceptance the lady had. Where you want to invent reasons to set yourself apart, when in reality you are as sick as they come. You push every single person and everything that isn't your flesh and blood away, and even then, you still want them. It is insane. Let us keep this thread going, because sometimes it seems like that rushed half hour, or hour at the most and usually is a half hour, with the therapist, is not helping, for when the night comes, and your triggers roll around, when they haunt you in your head, and any and everything becomes paranoia, even things that dont have anything to do with you, then paranoia breeds a need for control.. and all anyone, including those that love you deep down inside, want, is for it to stop, for an eventual happy reunion. This has been going on for years. Now is the time to exterminate the core issues of problems, for a true and genuine happy friendship(s.)

08-22-2013, 01:59 PM	#35
lily352 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Nashville Posts: 106	Your peer support group does sound frustrating! Do you have access to the diary cards? I know it's frustrating to not get to your group and then get "punished" for it. Don't give up on it though. It is a setback, but it will pass and then you'll go again and continue to feel better. What I did continuously over the past 20 some years is push away the people that care about me the most. Then I'd try to make people worry about me who couldn't really help me. It was an odd cycle. I'm happy to have moved past that point and to have more perspective now.

08-23-2013, 04:25 PM	#38
lily352 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Nashville Posts: 106	That does sound like a difficult environment, to say the least! I hope that you're living somewhere a little more tranquil now? Here's a link to a diary card: http://dbtselfhelp.com/html/diary_card_1.html I think there are other versions, but that's the one I found the quickest.

08-25-2013, 11:18 PM	#40
largenlovely Still a Fat Girl lol Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Mobile, Alabama Posts: 5,646	I hate when I watch something where someone has done this horrible atrocious thing and then they throw a borderline personality disorder label on them. I hate being lumped in with those people. Sure, I may have the potential to do some terrible things but only if I'm physically threatened or am attacked. I don't go out looking for shit. I'm watching some show on stalkers and some woman on here was said to have borderline personality disorder. I've never, and would never, stalk a man. I have too much pride. they've given a few women this diagnosis who have been in the news. It's depressing being lumped into that.

08-27-2013, 01:18 PM	#41
lily352 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Nashville Posts: 106	I know exactly what you mean! I love watching true crime shows, but lots of the women on there get that label after they've killed someone or stalked a guy or something. Just remember to not let your diagnosis define you. You have the diagnosis and now you have a way to treat it, work on it, etc. I would not however introduce myself to everyone you meet from now on as having it. I have a close friend who really understands what it means for me to have it, and how I cope with certain things. Most people, I never say a word about it.

08-27-2013, 07:46 PM	#42
largenlovely Still a Fat Girl lol Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Mobile, Alabama Posts: 5,646	I've been pretty open about it and have been sharing my experience going through therapy. I have found when I'm open about stuff, it gives other people the courage to feel better about becoming more comfortable with their own issues too. I've had a lot of friends come to me and open up about their issues. I'm not gonna let it define me but I do worry others will define me by it even though I'm very open about which particular issues at mine. I think people always assume you're still hiding something even worse. Nope, I'm very open about my bad shit lol.

08-28-2013, 01:29 PM	#43
lily352 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Nashville Posts: 106	I didn't mean to not be open. blah. It's great that you're open! :-)

04-23-2017, 06:24 PM	#46
Tracii Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Commonwealth of Ky Posts: 3,462	My Dr suggested Over eaters anonymous because I do suffer from that at times. I went to a few meetings and saw nothing of value there at all. I don't like being talked down to like a 12 year old. Good luck with your therapist Largenlovely.