I've shared my background, how I have been attracted to fat girls for a long time, but also for a long time tried to suppress that attraction in an effort to "cure" myself. I dated "hot" girls hoping I would eventually no longer find fat girls attractive. I even made fun of fat girls hoping to be able to find a reason to genuinely dislike them.
I am not proud of this. I would make excuses for myself and say I was a kid, but this lasted well into my 20s. With that said, every once in a while providence affords us an opportunity to make amends. And this happened to me just a couple nights ago.
I started high school new to the school. I made a few friends quickly and assimilated well enough, but was certainly not one of the "cool" kids. One girl who befriended me was a short, fat and somewhat dorky Latina. I thought she was gorgeous, but it was high school and it wasn't cool to date a fat girl in high school. It didn't take long before I realized this girl seemed to be crushing on me hard. Privately I was flattered, but publicly...I just couldn't stand the thought of having to walk down the hallway holding her hand, or hang out with her at the park after school, etc. I hated the idea of some of the cooler kids associating me with her. Still, she aggressively pursued me, pulling me into her study groups, hinting about homecoming, etc.
Well bless her heart, this girl also went out for the cheerleading squad. Weight notwithstanding, she made the squad and was the only fat cheerleader. At football games the guys would pat me on the back for dating one of the cheerleaders, etc. (Think sophomoric HS boy humor.)
Once I started really getting teased by some of the guys and popular girls I decided it was time to turn on this girl. I started making fun of her weight. I would pile on if someone else mentioned her weight. I pretended I didn't know her if we saw each other around town. She asked one Monday if I'd seen her cheering on Friday night at the football game. I said, "How could I miss?"
Eventually she cornered me at my locker and asked what the hell was wrong with me and didn't I realize she liked me? I told her I didn't date fat chicks and that she should consider losing some weight. Nearly 20 years later I can still recall the hurt in her eyes at those words. The finality of what I said.
FF to Thursday at work. A co-worker and I were talking about weight and image issues and I shared this experience with her. I said this girl is one of the only ones who's not up on FB, but that I'd love an opportunity to apologize. I guessed she'd be amused at the person I am today. But later that night I was home and on a whim did a search and she popped right up. She must have changed her privacy settings.
I sent a friend request and she accepted almost immediately. Later, I was watching the Broncos on Thursday Night Football and she struck up a conversation with me. We made small talk and I looked for an opening to apologize. I didn't want to just blurt it out awkwardly. At one point I paused to look at a couple of her pics. I told her she looked great and didn't seem to have changed much since HS. She said, "Nope, I was a fatass then and I am now."
That was the opening I was looking for, and I asked if she recalled what I said after all these years. She did, but she had long dismissed it as me being an immature boy. She didn't hold it against me, and though she's not had an easy life (lost a few loved ones this year alone) she's generally happy with how things have turned out for her. I told her I was sorry and that I thought she was pretty all along. We discussed my preferences and she said she was both amused and glad that I wound up with a BBW wife. And that she appreciated my apology.
I am not naive enough to believe I can undo damage I've done or take back hurtful words. But I am glad I got an opportunity to put a little good back out there and say something that encouraged this person. It meant a lot to her. It meant a lot more to me.
I am not proud of this. I would make excuses for myself and say I was a kid, but this lasted well into my 20s. With that said, every once in a while providence affords us an opportunity to make amends. And this happened to me just a couple nights ago.
I started high school new to the school. I made a few friends quickly and assimilated well enough, but was certainly not one of the "cool" kids. One girl who befriended me was a short, fat and somewhat dorky Latina. I thought she was gorgeous, but it was high school and it wasn't cool to date a fat girl in high school. It didn't take long before I realized this girl seemed to be crushing on me hard. Privately I was flattered, but publicly...I just couldn't stand the thought of having to walk down the hallway holding her hand, or hang out with her at the park after school, etc. I hated the idea of some of the cooler kids associating me with her. Still, she aggressively pursued me, pulling me into her study groups, hinting about homecoming, etc.
Well bless her heart, this girl also went out for the cheerleading squad. Weight notwithstanding, she made the squad and was the only fat cheerleader. At football games the guys would pat me on the back for dating one of the cheerleaders, etc. (Think sophomoric HS boy humor.)
Once I started really getting teased by some of the guys and popular girls I decided it was time to turn on this girl. I started making fun of her weight. I would pile on if someone else mentioned her weight. I pretended I didn't know her if we saw each other around town. She asked one Monday if I'd seen her cheering on Friday night at the football game. I said, "How could I miss?"
Eventually she cornered me at my locker and asked what the hell was wrong with me and didn't I realize she liked me? I told her I didn't date fat chicks and that she should consider losing some weight. Nearly 20 years later I can still recall the hurt in her eyes at those words. The finality of what I said.
FF to Thursday at work. A co-worker and I were talking about weight and image issues and I shared this experience with her. I said this girl is one of the only ones who's not up on FB, but that I'd love an opportunity to apologize. I guessed she'd be amused at the person I am today. But later that night I was home and on a whim did a search and she popped right up. She must have changed her privacy settings.
I sent a friend request and she accepted almost immediately. Later, I was watching the Broncos on Thursday Night Football and she struck up a conversation with me. We made small talk and I looked for an opening to apologize. I didn't want to just blurt it out awkwardly. At one point I paused to look at a couple of her pics. I told her she looked great and didn't seem to have changed much since HS. She said, "Nope, I was a fatass then and I am now."
That was the opening I was looking for, and I asked if she recalled what I said after all these years. She did, but she had long dismissed it as me being an immature boy. She didn't hold it against me, and though she's not had an easy life (lost a few loved ones this year alone) she's generally happy with how things have turned out for her. I told her I was sorry and that I thought she was pretty all along. We discussed my preferences and she said she was both amused and glad that I wound up with a BBW wife. And that she appreciated my apology.
I am not naive enough to believe I can undo damage I've done or take back hurtful words. But I am glad I got an opportunity to put a little good back out there and say something that encouraged this person. It meant a lot to her. It meant a lot more to me.
