FEED ME
by Emma Finn
by Emma Finn
An attractive woman finds a comforting love in her new boyfriend, Adam, but Adam has... ideas about the way he would like her to look and soon his influence starts to put pressure on her to gain weight. And gain weight. And gain weight. Female to female transformation without an identity change.
1
Meeting Adam changed my life.
I’d been burned by love before – badly burned – and I wasn’t really on the lookout for somebody new. I missed the companionship and, God help me, I missed the affection (not that I’d ever had enough of that), but I was also very wary about trusting again.
I’d been in a long term relationship for nine years with a guy called Jonathan and really, looking back, it had been nine years in prison. He’d treated me badly; made me feel worthless; and I'd rushed into the next thing in a bid to escape. Of course the next thing, fairly brief though it was, was no better. Whether I was more vulnerable because of the damage the first one had done, or whether my own neediness was its downfall, I’ll never know, but there were scars now on my heart. I told myself I was avoiding men because I liked having my own space and being my own boss. In reality, I was just plain terrified of letting someone else in.
Adam was the one to finally break through that barrier I had constructed.
During the dark days with Jonathan and his successor, I had struggled with my weight from time to time because of comfort eating. This had given Jonathan another reason to belittle me of course, making fun of my love handles. My weight had never gone that far out of control but it had become a thing of the past. I went to the gym every day straight from work now, keeping toned and healthy, and it was there that I met Adam.
He had an amazing body but he was also really personable. We got chatting while we were doing the cross trainer and I just kept seeing him around. We got on so well that I sought him out to talk to if he was around. We were able to talk freely about just about anything; it was great! He was as into exercise as I was.
After a few weeks he started hinting about meeting up away from the gym but I guess he could tell from my tales about my past beaus that I was reluctant to rush into anything. He was so sensitive, he didn’t push it. He just went on being really nice and kind and interested in what I had to say.
It was so refreshing to be able to talk to someone who made me feel better about myself. For years and years all I’d had was people who did the opposite. Adam thought my hobbies were amazing. He really encouraged me with them. We liked the same kinds of films and often talked for ages about intricate details in some of my favourites. It was awesome.
Two months after we became friends I suggested we go for a coffee after gym was finished, thinking the week after we could go for drinks; the week after that a meal out, etc. In fact we went straight on from the cafe to a pub and had a meal, all on that first day.
I had a wonderful time but I kept telling myself to slow down; reminding myself about the disasters before. I knew in my heart that it was different with Adam, but I still managed to resist going all the way.
He did kiss me though; just something sweet and brief that I could treasure.
I let him all the way in a week later and after that it seemed silly to keep holding back.
At no point did Adam disappoint. He was attentive and caring. He went on encouraging my pursuits and boosting my confidence. He persuaded me to go for a promotion at work and I got it! I felt so good about myself nowadays. The interview was a cakewalk.
Everything was falling into place.
When I found out I got the job I called Adam and invited him round to celebrate. He was so happy for me. He came with a bottle of wine and two pizzas.
I figured we’d watch a film and cuddle up on the sofa and took the food through, but when I checked the pizzas I found that the flavour I normally had was extra large. His was only medium.
“What’s going on with this pizza?” I said, taking a seat beside him. “It’s huge!”
Adam gave a nervous smile and flushed, looking sweet and endearing. “It’s silly,” he said “Really silly. And I’ve been wanting to tell you for a while, but...”
“What?”
“It’s dumb,” he said.
“No,” I replied, touching his hand. “Tell me.”
He looked at me earnestly. “What would you say if I told you that... that I find it kind of sexy... to watch you eat.”
“Really?”
He shrugged, clearly embarrassed, and my heart went out to him. I knew how it felt to have feelings and to be afraid that others would make fun of them, even if it was surprising that he would like that. Keen to reassure him, I said, “There’s nothing wrong with that. Here, look.” I took out a large section of my pizza and dangled it high up, smiling as I took a bite. “How’s this?”
He chuckled and I kissed him.
“You don’t have to be shy to tell me anything,” I said. “I won’t judge you. You’ve seen me in bed. I’m not exactly straight-laced myself.”
We both had a good laugh at that.
“Eat some more,” said Adam, his eyes flashing.
I grew more serious and took another bite. I went on eating it until the slice was gone, keeping my eyes on his the whole time.
It was strange. It had never been something that I’d considered but Adam clearly enjoyed watching me and it was lovely to share such an off-beat and intimate connection.
I picked up a second piece and handed it to him then I squeezed his balls gently. “Now you feed me,” I said seductively. I glanced at the huge disc of pizza and smiled, happy to fan his flames a little. “Feed me all of it if you like.”
 
2
We didn’t have another night like that as the days went on and I semi-forgot about it. As I’d told him, I wasn’t going to judge him; he was so nice in every way. And it was harmless enough. He wasn’t into child pornography or anything creepy.
Adam liked to eat out, which was something I had never done that much of before. It was really nice to try out different restaurants and pubs around Nockton each night, tasting different things on the menu. Because we went out so often I started being more experimental; trying all sorts of things I hadn’t before. It was great fun.
Adam liked to eat early so I tended to zip home after work to get ready. It meant I couldn’t fit in my daily gym visit but I didn’t mind too much. I was in good shape. Adam switched to going in his lunch breaks which I was jealous of. With my higher workload in the new job there was no chance of that for me but it was good to have the higher wage, if only to be able to keep up with our nights out!
It was so nice to be seeing somebody so gentle and affectionate and to start to develop the little traditions that could last for years. One of ours was to go home after the meal and share a tub of Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream before making love. Adam had a wicked sense of humour and he’d spoon it into my mouth then drop some into my cleavage and scoop it out with his tongue. The love making was explosive but it was also tender and increasingly loving.
About three months in, all the meals out and lack of exercise started to catch up with me though.
My clothes were getting tight in the arms and around my hips and buttocks and my tummy was getting rather soft. I stood naked in front of the wardrobe mirror in my bedroom after another long love-bout, giving my developing flab the pinch test.
“I need to get back to the gym and go on a diet,” I said. “Look at me.”
Adam was lying on the bed, still naked. He was as muscular as ever. He didn’t say anything but he quietly got up and approached behind as I went on dourly examining what was probably half a stone of extra weight. He slipped his arms round my middle and rested his chin on my shoulder. “You look beautiful Wendy. Really beautiful.”
“Really?” I never got tired of him saying that. I’d managed to rebuild my self-esteem somewhat after Jonathan and the other guy but it was still on the fragile side.
“Sure. You look better actually,” he said. “More feminine. Softer in the face.”
I laughed. “I’m not sure I want to be softer in the face.”
Adam turned me round to face him and stroked my cheek. “Honestly. You look so much better with a bit of meat on you. You looked pretty before but with all that exercise you were a little bit... mannish.”
“Mannish?”
“Just a little bit.” He smiled. “But still pretty.”
I looked at myself again; the slight roundness of my cheeks. “You really think I look better?”
“Yes. You look spectacular. You might look even better with a few more curves.”
I frowned, trying to imagine that. During my long lost binge eating days I had been a stone or two heavier than this. I tried to remember what that had been like. I couldn’t quite picture it now but I remembered Jonathan’s belittling remarks. I was aware that people who lost weight were liable to let it creep back up as life went on and I also knew it was harder to keep it off as you got older. It was actually nice to be reassured that I would still look pretty even if that happened. I had no intention of letting my weight slip too far but it would be a relief to be with a man who cared about me enough not to mind if it did. Or even one who thought I looked better that way!
It gave me a wonderful feeling of warmth and security.
 
3
About a month later there was a team-building day at work for members of the middle management framework. We took a trip out to Nockton Forest Wildlife Centre. It was a popular weekend destination for families of Nockton Vale with woods filled with climbing frames built in the shape of animals, but we were visiting the Go Ape section where there were walkways and rope slides built high in the trees. It was just a bit of fun but the experience highlighted some home truths about my growing weight. I’d had so much going on in my life I hadn’t managed to make any time for dieting or exercise and with the amount I was eating I had carried on piling on pounds.
We had to wear helmets and harnesses with clips that could attach to the safety ropes on the upper walkways. The members of the team giggled like children while we fiddled with these, trying to get them attached securely. I found a harness that looked like it would fit and went to chat to my friends, Rebecca and Darren, but as I went to do up the straps I realised I couldn’t get the buckle clips to meet round my middle. As it was, the shoulder straps were digging into my back.
“I think you’re being a bit optimistic with that size,” chuckled Darren.
Blushing, I went back and got the next size up, squeezing into it. I didn’t go back to my friends. I was too embarrassed.
We started the exercise, climbing the rope ladders to the upper levels, as high as the leaves, but my heart wasn’t in it so much. I felt a bit down about my weight. It was quite a strenuous activity, doing all the climbing and balancing, and I was noticeably out of shape. It was a strain to keep up and at times I found myself being slow enough to form a queue of other managers behind me.
The more this happened, the more tense I got, and that slowed me down even more as I fumbled with the safety clips and squeezed through the narrow gaps to many a sigh from the following men. People were in high spirits and there was plenty of chuckling, but more and more, I started to feel as though they were laughing at me.
I hadn’t put that much weight on – my hips and bum were more padded, my face was fuller and my arms and stomach were softer – but this was the first time I’d been made to feel as though it was a problem. Knowing that Adam didn’t mind if I got heavier had made me relax somewhat but he wasn’t here now and I felt people’s impatience as proof of me letting myself go.
I kept my head down for the rest of the day, planning to get right back to the gym as soon as I could. I didn’t feel chatty anymore. I kept mostly to myself during the lunch provided, reading a magazine I had folded up in my handbag on a bench out under the trees.
Of course getting back into my gym routine was harder than I’d thought it would be. Now I was settled in my post my workload had increased and I tended not to get out of work until after six; sometimes as late as seven. Adam and I didn’t go out for quite so many meals now but he often got takeout in or cooked a meal when I called to let him know I was leaving work.
With all the change in my life, I thanked God that I had Adam. He was so loving and supportive, massaging my shoulders and feet of an evening while I tucked into the Ben & Jerry’s in front of the TV.
Our evenings were so pleasant I looked forward to them all day. All I wanted was to be around him. He was such a boon to me and until I got my weight under control I was reluctant to do too much socialising. The last thing I wanted was to be told I was getting fat by friend after friend.
I told Adam about what had happened on the work trip and he was as kind as ever about it.
“You aren’t fat darling,” he said, “you’re just nice and curvy, and you look gorgeous.” He caressed my round arm with his fingertip. “These days the average weight is much higher than it used to be. You’re just a normal size. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You look really, really nice. I like you a lot better this way. I don’t think you should worry about it.”
“Really?” I asked nervously.
“Really,” he said. “As far as I’m concerned I’d be just as happy if you stayed this way as if you lost weight; happier really. I love a girl with a bit of extra flesh on her.”
He tickled my soft belly and I giggled, kissing him.
Losing weight was such a hassle, especially with the pressures of work. What did it matter if I was a bit chubby as long as Adam still liked me? I got the feeling that he would have preferred me to be even bigger and part of me wanted to make his fantasy come true – enough to justify not worrying too much for now if I put on a pound or two more.
Basically I couldn’t fit the exercise in and I didn’t want to cut back on food for now – aside from Adam’s love, it was the one comfort I had to look forward to after a long day at the office. There would always be time to lose weight in the future. I’d done it before. It just wasn’t a priority for now.
 
4
On our six month anniversary, Adam and I moved in together.
He owned a nice flat and I was renting so his place was the logical place for a first nook to hang our hats. I was delighted when he suggested the idea. I was conscious of how quickly we were moving things forward but there hadn’t been a single danger sign. Looking back on my previous relationships, I could see now that the early days were rampant with omens of foreboding. If only I’d listened to them! Though on the other hand, I wouldn’t have dared change any of my past for fear that I wouldn’t have ended up with this new and wonderful man.
Work was going well, though it was still very high pressure. Since I’d cut back on socialising I was no longer getting on that well with my former friend Rebecca and she had a terrible reputation round the business for her ruthless culls of staff. Her methods were brutal and very much approved of by the managing director. All of us middle managers were having to work very hard to avoid the threat of redundancy. I tended to have to take work home with me to keep up, but Adam didn’t mind. He was very supportive.
Now we lived together we didn’t need to eat out at all but he was a good cook and he did all the cooking, making extravagant meals and sumptuous desserts that I found impossible to refuse. If he didn’t feel like cooking then he ordered in. I always broke off from my work to sit down to eat and we had wonderful times, chatting and joking. Adam was on a diet so he didn’t eat that much but I had more important things to worry about and I knew how much he loved to watch me chomp away. I liked the attention and my appetite was so much bigger than it used to be.
In the evening, as I worked, Adam would pop his head round the door to give me support and kisses. He liked to prepare me snacks and drinks and he kept up a steady stream of encouragement throughout my travails. He was always ready with my Ben & Jerry’s when I was finally able to knock off and join him in the lounge.
I wasn’t doing the slightest bit of exercise nowadays. Each day I walked out to the car, drove to work and walked into the building. In the evening I repeated that in reverse. Beyond that there was nothing. With all the extra delicious food I was eating I was really starting to put on weight.
My stomach bulged substantially and my breasts had grown bigger and rounder. My arms and thighs were getting chunky and my face looked quite different with the extra fat; the double chin that framed it.
It was funny, but I didn’t find the gain in weight that distressing. I guess I was just so happy. I didn’t have any reason apart from habit to second guess it. I had so much to fill my time with now that it really was the least of my concerns. Adam never exactly told me that he preferred me being fatter but I could tell that he found me sexier by the way he looked at me; the way he acted around me; his encouragement to eat; the energised way he watched me as I stuffed my face day after day.
Society tells us to hate fat and aspire toward skeletal thinness, but I was seeing life a different way now. I was actually enjoying being fat. I liked my pudgy flesh, my round face. I enjoyed looking in the mirror and seeing how much I’d changed when I noticed I’d put on yet another half stone. I was probably two stone over the weight I’d started now and it really didn’t upset me. It made me happy.
And I was starting to find something else surprising.
Adam had told me all that time ago, that he found it sexy to watch me eat.
Well I was starting to kind of see what he meant. I was starting to enjoy doing it for him.
There was something delightful about having him watch me as I put chunk after chunk of fatty food into my mouth, night after night. It was almost titillating. I really liked it. It was so nice to be looked at with such hungry desire after the years of unpleasantness with Jonathan and the other one. It was so nice to be able to share a developing passion like this.
And obviously it was something else to be able to eat without guilt; with encouragement even. I loved shovelling whatever I wanted into my mouth without having to question myself. Adam had told me about numerous studies he’d heard of, showing that being overweight didn’t cause the health risks people thought.
I spent my days looking forward to our nights together, sitting at my desk, eating the snacks he had prepared for me the night before.
I’d never known I could be so happy.
 
