Abusive Relationships

Discussion in 'BBW/FA Board' started by Green Eyed Fairy, Nov 10, 2009.

  1. Nov 10, 2009 #1

    Green Eyed Fairy

    Green Eyed Fairy

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    Wow....we have a board for BBW now.....so let's talk about some women's issues, shall we?

    How about those abusive relationships?

    I have been in them. Trying hard to not fall back into my usual pattern with any new guy I meet now.

    I have posted this on the boards in various threads, more than once, after reading posts by women I thought might be in an abusive relationship. Seems fitting to start off with this list:

    I started thinking about this topic and wanted to pull up that list of warnings signs.....all this inspired by a new man I have been talking to on the phone. Haven't met him in the flesh yet......and he seems quite nice actually.
    However......something about him......keeps reminding me of my relationship with my very possessive/jealous/disturbed first husband.


    I think there should be clarity about exactly what abuse is, too.



    Opinions? Experiences? Things you have learned or seen? Anything to add?

    Input from the men is okay, too. Just don't want any bashing/blaming of people that have been in/are in abusive relationships. The intent of this thread is to "hash it out" and perhaps find an understanding/insight of each other and how we can make our lives/relationships better.
     
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  2. Nov 10, 2009 #2

    Tau

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    I've never been in one but I have a friend in an abusive relationship :( It makes me so angry GE, Im actually sitting here crying just thinking about it. He doesn't hit her, but thats about all he doesn't do. And she won't get out. I'm constantly telling her how much better she is than that, I've begged her to go. Last week I snapped. I shouted at her, which doesn't help anybody, I know, but I'm running out of ideas on how to reach her. What would you have liked your friends to say or do for you when you were being hurt? I know I can't make her leave, although I'm really tempted to just kidnap her, but there must be another way I can reach her? Sorry, this isnt exactly sharing an experience but any advice at all would be appreciated.
     
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  3. Nov 11, 2009 #3

    Green Eyed Fairy

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    Tau....the best things my friends ever did for me was not make me feel judged, gave me support when I was down and ultimately, when I did decide to get out, my best friend Amy was one of the most supportive, kind and protective people in my life.

    Sorry about your friend......since the guy doesn't hit her.....who knows, she may not realize that what is happening to her is abuse. We have all heard the stories of battered wives, sneaking away with only the clothes on their back, to get away from an abuser.
    But what about those that are not beaten physically? Or like myself, hit on such a rare occasion, that you let it slide for sake of the children/marriage.

    Marriage is highly valued by a lot of people in society....and there is the always the mantra of "work it out".
    He gets drunk, kicks you in the side of the head, or assaults you and his family members, you just try to ensure he cuts back on the drinking.

    He is in the doghouse long enough to figure out he needs to pay his penance, so to speak, and holds it in the road long enough for everyone to grow complacent again.

    It was systematic...the patterns. It was my recognition of the patterns that propelled me to start doing things differently.

    Ultimately, when your friend has had enough of him, she will push away from the table and leave.
     
  4. Nov 12, 2009 #4

    Dr. Feelgood

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    Isn't this the moment of greatest danger? Abusers need to control their victims, and their greatest fear is loss of control. I've heard stories about women who walked away and were followed ... sometimes with violence. Maybe this is an Oklahoma thing, but once or twice a year there's a story in the paper about some lady who divorced her husband and got custody of the children: he got drunk, killed her, killed the kids, killed himself. :eek: I guess what I'm asking is how a woman can protect herself in this kind of situation: what kind of backup do you need, and how do you get it? :confused:
     
  5. Nov 12, 2009 #5

    Green Eyed Fairy

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    I have read those stories, too. There are women's shelters for battered women.
    But then again, it's all part of it, I suppose. If you can't make enough money to support those kids on your own, if you cannot afford your own rent or if you cannot afford day care so you can work and afford all the above, then you are trapped without the support/aid of friends/family.
    Police.....I have known some officers and they said the worst thing they fear is a domestic call because they never know what they are getting into. Sometimes, women turn and protect the guy that beat them.
    I have seen it myself first hand at a place where I worked and a woman asked me to call the police. The guy dragged her around the parking lot, punched her, tossed her around while all the women in the place were upset and trying to find weapons to stop him. She was bloody and ran to the front door......looked up at me while he had her on the ground and she tossed me his car keys.
    It was a WTF moment for me......and he stood up and approached me...yeah, he got his bloody(literally) car keys back quickly. I told her to let him go.....that someone there would make sure she had a ride to wherever she needed to go.
    Police showed up as he was trying to pull out....she told the police nothing happened and they had to let them go....her leaving with him in the car.
    Us ladies asked some of the guys hanging there why they didn't try to help....they said that was why...that some women will "turn on them".

    I learned a lot that day about violence against women and how the world sees it......
     
  6. Nov 12, 2009 #6

    BBW4Chattery

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    I was in a relationship that was more shady than abusive. He was a total jerk, for sure, but his only physically abusive act came during the final confrontation of his lies. We ended it THAT day forever. I walked away (rode away bawling in an ambulance, more emotionally hurt than physically hurt), lost all respect for him, and think he's the most pathetic little man on the planet.

    My family is extremely abusive and after growing up in that, I've not had any sort of tolerance for anything less than a respectful, healthy man. I knew this dude was a little off but I'd just broken it off with my adoring ex fiance who I'd been mean to for years... so I thought I'd flip the switch and be super kind to the next guy to make up for the sins of the past.

    I need to learn to trust my instincts though... I usually give guys one chance too many. I meet a lot of not great guys, like everyone, but I tend to evacuate by the third red flag. In my dating relationships, I've been super lucky to have found really great guys who, even if they were totally not a match for me, they were never abusive to me in any way.

    It's super hard to see other people get trapped in abusive relationships with men. I feel like I have some understanding because I'm trapped like that with my parents. People tell you to just walk away and forget about them... but there's love here, even if they are the most unhealthy and crappy parents on earth, they're still the only ones I have and that's hard to abandon.

    I once tried to "rescue" a friend from an abusive relationship. She was a former debutante from a super well known family with lots of connections across our state and brothers and sisters who excelled in their personal and professional lives. She ended up falling in with a married drug dealer 20 years her senior .... they met at her apartment complex. Many abuses transpired from him ... physical and emotional. She ended up holding his drugs for him in public, black eyes, bruises around the neck, etc.

    I went to their home and "rescued" her 3 or 4 times... I offered her a place to stay, I went with her to Domestic Violence. I went with her to the ER as she miscarried their child. I didn't sugarcoat anything... I told her, "at least it won't be born with a disability from all of the drugs you've done over the last few months." I was supportive too, told her we'd get counseling... but I wasn't about to mourn the loss of a child being brought into an unsafe home.

    The last straw for me was when I went to pick her up one day when she called in tears. Her throat and shoulders were already black and her eyes bloodshot from him having strangled her just an hour earlier. She told me she was upset because they'd been robbed and someone took her deb necklace. I asked her to listen to how ridiculous she sounded. She was being beaten by a drug dealer daily and she was worried about her deb necklace. She told me her father had offered to give her a restaurant franchise (yes, give, free and clear) to operate if she would just move to that location (a large city, lots to do)... and she told me she didn't want to leave the guy.

    At the end of that night, I told her I no longer felt safe being her rescuer. The guy knew where I lived, had been in my home, started driving past my home at odd hours to see if she was there, etc. I told her I couldn't do it but I'd do whatever I could to make sure she was safe if she called me any time... but it wouldn't be me coming to intervene anymore. It was a hard decision that I debated for weeks before that incident and one I still feel really guilt about from time to time. I had spent the previous summer working at the Domestic Violence shelter and just felt a lot of fear about how her situation was going to end... it sounds harsh, but I didn't want to go down with her and I wasn't strong enough to take a chance that I'd save her over us both ending up hurt.

    I google her, try to find her on facebook, etc... but I haven't heard anything from her since that time. This all happened in a town where we lost two people our age (college students) to domestic violence within a span of weeks a few months after we met and became friends. At the very beginning of her abusive relationship, I was on the phone with this her and we heard the gunshots that killed one of the victims. The deceased had been banging on the door of a neighbor begging for help when she was shot. These abusers are not in their right minds and if they decide to take out the object of their abuse, they aren't going to be picky about who else gets hurt in the process.

    Tau, don't feel guilty, you're respecting her decisions as an adult to continue the relationship. You're right that yelling doesn't help you or her but just try not to do it again if it's something you feel really harms your relationship. I don't have any advisement. Clearly, what I did wasn't the ideal situation... but just sharing that you're not the only one who has felt at the end of their life saving rope re: abuse.
     
  7. Nov 12, 2009 #7

    Tau

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    GEF and BBW4Chattery, thank you both so much for the advice. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
     
  8. Nov 12, 2009 #8

    Neen

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    I've been in two. one was back in highschool, and it was physical. I graduated, and never looked back at him. He tried to visit me about 6 months ago (showed up on my doorstep) but i shut the door and off he went.
    The 2nd was 4 years long and i'm STILL trying to get rid of him. This time it's emotional. Constantly berates me for my weight. Cheated on me with skinny blondes, compared me to thinner blonde women... made me feel like scum on the ground. I'm still trying to pick up the peices of what this man has torn down.. and i think how can i let another human being who is NOT any better then i, to destroy me?? Live and learn. You must walk away, and have a good suppport system around you who know what is going on. Speak up ladies and men who are being abused. It may just save your life.
     
  9. Nov 12, 2009 #9

    TraciJo67

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    GEF, I can't be 100% certain, but I think that the laws have changed regarding domestic violence. The police officers that I know, who answer domestic disputes, will make an arrest with or without the victim's consent if it appears that the victim is injured or if the situation is volatile. The incident that you highlighted above ... to me, it seems that the responding officers were lazy and apathetic. They certainly could have taken eye-witness information into account and arrested the man, with or without his SO's consent.

    One thing that bothers me is that police officers still seem woefully unskilled in handling domestic calls. A family member was involved in a very bad domestic situation that began, actually, when she filed for divorce and her husband was forced to leave the home. He stalked and harassed her for a long time (although thankfully, it never turned physical ... she just lived with the all-consuming fear of it, as he was behaving very irrationally). She did the only thing she knew to do ... called the police, each time he turned up on her property, even *after* she'd filed for and obtained a restraining order. The responding officers weren't at all sympathetic to her calls, and accused her of creating the situation, of being a drama queen, of using them to try to get back at her ex, etc. I have to wonder, had her ex made good on his many threats to harm her, what good the police would have done. And the restraining order seemed worth less than the paper it was printed on.
     
  10. Nov 12, 2009 #10

    joswitch

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    When my Mum divorced my violent, psycho Dad she was rightly concerned he'd kill us all (and himself) in his initial rage. She hired a PI to serve the papers to him at the airport (on his return from "holiday") got a locksmith to change all the locks on the house, took me (aged 11) and my bro (age 4) to the bus station, and without telling anyone where we were going, went off to the seaside for a few days.. Me and my bro thought it was a little holiday.. My Dad did break into the house on his return.. We weren't there.. We all lived.. My mum literally saved our lives with that action. To anyone in a similar situation - do not announce your departure, get out, get gone, don't go back and don't ever let on where you've gone. Good luck to anyone in that situation reading this.
     
  11. Nov 13, 2009 #11

    Dr. Feelgood

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    Such is often the case, TraciJo ... but once I was on the jury in a case where the restraining order was crucial. The guy broke through his ex-wife's kitchen door one New Year's Eve, raped her, and held her hostage in her own home. She finally persuaded him to take her to the emergency room (he had broken her finger while raping her) where she told the nurse, "I've been raped," and specimens were taken. Well, rape isn't always taken real seriously out here in God's Country and Western :mad:, but what we the jury were able to send him away for was burglary! It would've been trespassing, which is a misdemeanor -- but the wife had taken out a restraining order, the violation of which made it burglary, a felony. So sometimes a restraining order comes in handy. :)
     
  12. Nov 14, 2009 #12

    Green Eyed Fairy

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    Thank you for joining the thread. Dr Feelgood asked a good question and fudge if I knew how to answer it. So yes, I was hoping the SW would participate :)


    The incident I recalled took place very long ago.......but has stayed with me...an impression of battered women and the frustrations people that work with them must feel. My ex-husband had a friend we were visiting. The friend had too much to drink and started bashing his pregnant girlfriend. This upset us, of course, and my ex literally held the guy down on the couch and wouldn't let him hit his gf any more.
    She refused to leave with us.....she refused to go next door to her parent's home. We stayed for a couple of hours, trying to calm him down....trying to get her to leave.
    She didn't care he would beat her ass.....she wasn't afraid of it.

    We didn't go over there again after that......not being able to stand it. She called us from the hospital when her baby was born and we went to visit her there. I hardly recognized her....months later...both of her eyes black and blue. Her prince had given her such a bad beating weeks earlier she had been hospitalized from it....at 8 months pregnant. In conversation with her, I got the impression she thought that the baby would change something.......

    Last few times I have ran into her.....she's long got rid of her abuser. I told her how glad I was that she was away from him and told her she didn't deserve the shit he gave her. I think my words might have meant something from the way she hugged me.

    I didn't tell her about how I had known a woman that was her neighbor in the apartment complex where she had moved to. The lady told me how not only her bf liked to beat her, but his whole family of female relatives came and beat her up, too. The neighbor was astounded.......not knowing her but upset by the way it happened so frequently.

    I'm not judging her......remember....I'm the woman that stayed with the guy that kicked me in the head.

    I'm the woman that started talking to the ex-bf again after he had tried to beat me in a drunken rage. He didn't succeed because I tried to take his head off with a shovel in my yard. This was after the other time I took him back after fleeing from my own home because he was trying to trap me in a back bedroom so he ripped my home apart instead (my children weren't home).

    I didn't call the police any of those times either......I felt sorry for the guy that had been molested as a child and had recently got his abuser sent to jail....decades later.

    My biggest regret is that I seemed to lose something in the eyes of my oldest daughter when she saw the destruction in our home and then saw me forgive him later on for it all. I am her example....and what a shitty one I make when it comes to the menfolk.


    I think you are correct about the laws changing.....at least in my state. Ironically, the one person I know that was jailed from them was my friend Amy. She broke up with an ex-bf/father of her son. He didn't take it well and started stalking her. He called the police and claimed he had lived with her (he had never lived with her) and that she had hit him.

    She was arrested.....and had to spend the night in jail until she could go in front of a judge the next morning.... because it was considered domestic violence. The person accused of abuse now has to spend X amount of time in jail before release. My friend explained that allows an abused person time to get away/out.....and she says that she didn't mind being in jail over night if that law saves someone's life.......

    I left my abusive, crazy first ex-husband by tossing all my clothes/things in the back of my car while he was at work.....and "hid" for several days. I couldn't go to my mom's place.......I tried to once really late at night after hiding out all day, in the hope of avoiding him....but he was waiting at three in the morning for me.
    I just stayed a different place (with friends that he didn't know where they resided) each night....or slept in my car until I knew he was at work.
    He got the point finally and agreed to split more peacefully.......

    Good to know :)
     
  13. Nov 16, 2009 #13

    Jane

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    Police officers who behave as you have described could possibly be abusive themselves or may have grown up in an abusive home. If they accept it as "normal"...obviously there is a problem.

    And Dr. Feelgood, while we both live in Oklahoma, crazy freakoid stalker behavior is not limited to Oklahoma alone. The male attitude here of being able to "control your woman" doesn't help, though.

    I worked, peripherially, with an abused women's shelter, and the times they had trouble was almost invariably when the women had called their abusers and told them where they were. Escaping the psychological issues surrounding abuse is the hardest part. It can become a pathology through generations of a family.
     
  14. Nov 25, 2009 #14

    Green Eyed Fairy

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    ***Not all the links on this one work but some do so I'm posting it
     
  15. Nov 25, 2009 #15

    Green Eyed Fairy

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    Dating Bill of Rights


    I have a right to:

    Ask for a date

    Refuse a date

    Suggest activities

    Refuse any activities, even if my date is excited about them

    Have my own feelings and be able to express them

    Say, "I think my friend is wrong and his actions are inappropriate"

    Tell someone not to interrupt me

    Have my limits and values respected

    Tell my partner when I need affection

    Refuse affection

    Be heard

    Refuse to lend money

    Refuse sex any time, for any reason

    Have friends and space aside from my partner


    I have the responsibility to:

    Determine my limits and values

    Respect the limits of others

    Communicate clearly and honestly

    Not violate the limits of others

    Ask for help when I need it

    Be considerate

    Check my actions and decisions to determine whether they are good or bad for me

    Set high goals for myself

    From the Domestic Violence Advocacy Program of Family Resources, Inc.

     
  16. Nov 25, 2009 #16

    Green Eyed Fairy

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    WARNING
    How an abuser can discover your internet activities

    If an abuser has access to your email account, he or she may be able to read your incoming and outgoing mail. if you believe your account is secure, make sure you choose a password he or she will not be able to guess.

    If an abuser sends you threatening or harassing email messages, they may be printed and saved as evidence of this abuse. Additionally, the messages may constitute a federal offense. For more information on this issue, contact your local United States Attorney's Office.

    history / cache file:

    If an abuser knows how to read your computer's history or cache file (automatically saved web pages and graphics), he or she may be able to see information you have viewed recently on the internet.

    You can clear your history or empty your cache file in your browser's settings.*

    Netscape:
    Pull-down Edit menu, select Preferences. Click on Navigator on choose 'Clear History'. Click on Advanced then select Cache. Click on "Clear Disk Cache".

    On older versions of Netscape: Pull down Options menu. Select Network Options, Select Cache. Click on "Clear Disk Cache".

    Internet Explorer :
    Pull-down View menu, select Internet Options. On General page, under Temporary Internet Files , click on "Delete Files". Under History click on "Clear History."

    AOL :
    Pull-down Members menu, select Preferences. Click on WWW icon. Then select Advanced. Purge Cache.

    * This information may not completely hide your tracks. Many browser types have features that display recently visited sites. The safest way to find information on the internet, would be at a local library, a friend's house, or at work.


    http://www.wrcsc.org/Warning.htm
     
  17. Nov 25, 2009 #17

    KittyKitten

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    Good list, but I strongly disagree with the jealousy part. I think that is a healthy part of a relationship. Jealousy to a certain degree shows that you care about the person. Now being extremely possessive is not healthy "Where are you at?", "Why are you not at home?", etc. And yes, from what I have seen with my male friends, many women are EXTREMELY possessive of their men. When a lover becomes possessive that just makes the man or woman more likely to cheat.
     
  18. Nov 25, 2009 #18

    cinnamitch

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    If the only way you can tell if a person cares about you is by how jealous they are, then that is a sick relationship to be in
     
  19. Nov 25, 2009 #19

    KittyKitten

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    I'm sorry if some women expect men to have no flaws--- to be Super Duper Mr Perfect. Then so many women wonder why they are single and still looking. Well, sorry, that man doesn't exist. But there is something called a Good Man he is not perfect but he is good enough. As human beings we all have certain types of character flaws. Jealousy is human nature. Henceforth, anyone who does not have some form of jealousy inside them is not a human! As I said before there is nothing wrong with a certain degree of jealousy, but when it becomes possessiveness, that is a problem. There's nothing wrong with what I said.
     
  20. Nov 25, 2009 #20

    mossystate

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    Happy, why did you jump from what Cinna said...to the rant about reasons why women are single? Where did she say anything about women expecting ' perfect ' men? Is it that everything you personally experience and like/accept, means that if another woman does not acccept it, she must be somehow wrong and destined to a life alone? I just don't get it.
     

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