Abusive Relationships

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KittyKitten

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If the only way you can tell if a person cares about you is by how jealous they are, then that is a sick relationship to be in
You think I said that's the only way someone cares about a person? No. I should have been more clear--jealousy is a natural human trait. My boyfriend gets a little jealous of other men because I am a beautiful, sexy mami. But you know what? If that is sick, then so be it. He is still a damn good man!
 

Green Eyed Fairy

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I can live with slight jealousy...to be honest, when my second husband showed some "light" jealousy.....I could "take it" because it seemed so "easy" to handle after my first crazy husband. He was EXTREMELY jealous/possessive/insecure. (read: the first guy made the second one seem like a prince simply because he "wasn't as bad" :doh:)

My first ex-husband physically held me down and wouldn't let me leave the house many times. He had the second key to my car and would love to "hide" it from me if I "defied" him and went somewhere he didn't want me to go with friends.
He followed me to the grocery store, after I told him where I was going, and wanted to know "who I was there to see". It was like stepping into the twilight zone....I was there to buy groceries....not screw a bag boy. :blink:
He would start fights with my friends, start fights with my family, attempted to alienate me from my family and even started fights with strangers that looked our/my way.
My marriage quickly went from me trying to sooth/please him to me wishing one of those random strangers he started fights with would kick the living shit out of him.

Jealousy can definitely be a sign of abuse......I know because I have lived it first hand.

I was 19 years old the first time I got married- 22 the second time. Yes, too young to know wtf I was doing. Why I posted that link/info for teens. It does start with the young.....

I think a "little jealousy" or insecurity can occur in some relationships - but when it grows to be a consuming, problematic cloud over the relationship, no way in the world that is normal or healthy.

Jealously is a "hot-button" for many in abusive and in non-abusive relationships. It can be misinterpreted as a sign of caring for someone so much that the jealous partner reaches "tilt" should they sense the possibility of losing one's affections. However, never let this fool you. As it has nothing to do with your value or your partner's valuing of you. To the contrary.

If the jealously presents as a possessiveness of your time, attention, energy...then you are more likely looking at a jealously of a different bread. This type of possessive jealously is more about not having the capacity to share "center stage" with anything else when it comes to you being the audience.

In other words, a person evidencing this type of jealousy will have absolutely no tolerance for competing with anything or anyone over your attention, your time, your energy. And further, the jealous partner will, at all cost, attempt to eliminate the competition either directly or indirectly by assaulting your personal affections or ties to that which poses a threat.

The long and the short here is that this type of possessive jealously has more to do with the jealous person. This person is actually demonstrating his/her lack of confidence in themselves and in their ability to be valued by you.

If you see this possessive jealously in combination with the balance of the characteristics that make up the constellation of symptoms defining intimate partner violence, use it as a warning sign. You may indeed be in a very dangerous relationship.
http://www.ideamarketers.com/?Jealousy_and_Abusive_Relationships_-_When_Is_Jealously_a_Sign_of_an_Abusive_Relationship&articleid=375183


How to Overcome Jealousy

Overcoming jealousy isn't easy - especially for men and women with low self-esteem. However, envious feelings can make you bitter and resentful over time. This can lower self-confidence even more, and drive friends and family away. It's not fun to hang out with people who can't be happy with themselves! If you've been having envy issues, here's how to overcome jealousy:

1. Don't compare yourself with others. So what if they're rich or super-hot? Big deal if your best friend is a genius, while you can barely count to 10! Every person has a unique set of traits to offer. Besides, you can always get what they have (e.g. looks, money, success). Go after what you want!

2.To feel better about yourself, concentrate on your best qualities. Are you generous, hard-working, kind, or great with kids? Are you fun-loving, adventurous, or mature for your age? Do you have any rare talents? Make a list of everything you like about yourself and read it before you go to sleep.

3. Tone down the personality traits you don't like. Are you often mean or easily angered? Find new ways to stay calm and relaxed. Practice being a better person. We all have faults, and should strive to overcome them. After all, when you like yourself more, the people around you probably will, too.
http://www.ehow.com/how_5620889_overcome-jealousy.html
 

Green Eyed Fairy

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Insecure people are attracted to each other, I suspect. It's part of the dysfunctional dance, isn't it?

And, as always, I am in this mix and not judging anyone.
 

KittyKitten

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I can live with slight jealousy...to be honest, when my second husband showed some "light" jealousy.....I could "take it" because it seemed so "easy" to handle after my first crazy husband. He was EXTREMELY jealous/possessive/insecure. (read: the first guy made the second one seem like a prince simply because he "wasn't as bad" :doh:)

My first ex-husband physically held me down and wouldn't let me leave the house many times. He had the second key to my car and would love to "hide" it from me if I "defied" him and went somewhere he didn't want me to go with friends.
He followed me to the grocery store, after I told him where I was going, and wanted to know "who I was there to see". It was like stepping into the twilight zone....I was there to buy groceries....not screw a bag boy. :blink:
He would start fights with my friends, start fights with my family, attempted to alienate me from my family and even started fights with strangers that looked our/my way.
My marriage quickly went from me trying to sooth/please him to me wishing one of those random strangers he started fights with would kick the living shit out of him.

Jealousy can definitely be a sign of abuse......I know because I have lived it first hand.

I was 19 years old the first time I got married- 22 the second time. Yes, too young to know wtf I was doing. Why I posted that link/info for teens. It does start with the young.....

I think a "little jealousy" or insecurity can occur in some relationships - but when it grows to be a consuming, problematic cloud over the relationship, no way in the world that is normal or healthy.



http://www.ideamarketers.com/?Jealousy_and_Abusive_Relationships_-_When_Is_Jealously_a_Sign_of_an_Abusive_Relationship&articleid=375183




http://www.ehow.com/how_5620889_overcome-jealousy.html

Thank you GreenEyedFairy! That is all I was saying. Jealousy to a certain degree is fine, but when it becomes consuming, that is when it becomes abusive.
 

cinnamitch

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I'm sorry if some women expect men to have no flaws--- to be Super Duper Mr Perfect. Then so many women wonder why they are single and still looking. Well, sorry, that man doesn't exist. But there is something called a Good Man he is not perfect but he is good enough. As human beings we all have certain types of character flaws. Jealousy is human nature. Henceforth, anyone who does not have some form of jealousy inside them is not a human! As I said before there is nothing wrong with a certain degree of jealousy, but when it becomes possessiveness, that is a problem. There's nothing wrong with what I said.
I am not a jealous person, does that mean i am not human? Honestly in any relationship i had i trusted that person to do right. If i was proven that my trust was misplaced then lesson learned. Being jealous would have not changed a thing, just would have made me feel like shit. I would hope a man i am with would not have to be jealous of me. I do not do things to encourage that feeling and so far it has worked for me
 

KittyKitten

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If the only way you can tell if a person cares about you is by how jealous they are, then that is a sick relationship to be in
See how my words got twisted. I never even said 'that's the only way I can tell a person cares' by their jealousy levels.

My goodness......
 

mossystate

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I also think it matters if a person is letting you know they are jealous, as a way of telling you just how wonderful they think you are......not healthy.

Pangs of jealousy are pretty normal. Making sure your partner knows you are jealous, or wearing it as some badge of honor...that is just odd. Normal does not mean the deeper reasons should not be worked on...that's how shit becomes way out of control.
 

cinnamitch

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See how my words got twisted. I never even said 'that's the only way I can tell a person cares' by their jealousy levels.

My goodness......
Dudette smooth your hackles. I meant you as in the general population of you, not specifying YOU at all
 

Sandie_Zitkus

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Jealousy is a waste of energy. It solves nothing, it creates drama. And it reveals insecurity. The older I get the more ridiculous jealousy seems.
 

TraciJo67

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Good list, but I strongly disagree with the jealousy part. I think that is a healthy part of a relationship. Jealousy to a certain degree shows that you care about the person. Now being extremely possessive is not healthy "Where are you at?", "Why are you not at home?", etc. And yes, from what I have seen with my male friends, many women are EXTREMELY possessive of their men. When a lover becomes possessive that just makes the man or woman more likely to cheat.
happyface, with all due respect, this doesn't belong here. We all get that there's such a thing as healthy jealousy. This thread is about abusive relationships, and as such, the type of jealousy that GEF is highlighting serves as a red flag. This is an important thread. GEF (and others) have put a considerable amount of time -- and consideration -- into it. I know that you enjoy spirited debate. But please ... not here.
 

Green Eyed Fairy

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A random sample of students at a large Midwestern University was selected in order to examine whether and how physical and sexual abuse were related to each other for men and women, whether abuse in one relationship was independent of abuse in other relationships, and how victims responded to abusive incidents. The results revealed several important patterns. When comparing the frequency of physical and sexual abuse for men and women, it was found that sexual abuse was more common than physical abuse, but only for women. Additionally, women experienced more sexual abuse than men. While men and women did not experience physical abuse in other relationships at more than chance levels, women who sustained sexual abuse in one relationship were more likely to sustain sexual abuse in other relationships. Furthermore, while sustaining physical and sexual abuse were not associated with one another for men, there was a weak association for women. Finally, victims of abuse were more likely to tell their friends they had been abused than report it to criminal justice authorities.

http://www.springerlink.com/content/l7u1x644041x82x0/

But let's switch to what we should be striving for.....

Co-Creating a Healthy Relationship

Dr Glasser states that every human being needs at least one primary relationship in their life where they know for sure that they are loved. He says we need a healthy, intimate relationship with that other human being in order to meet four basic human needs...
For a fulfilling relationship we need to:

* Give Love
* Receive Love
* Feel worthwhile to self
* Feel worthwhile to others

Externalizers or "Takers" are all-about-themselves so they are good at receiving love and feel worthwhile to self... but not so good at giving love or feeling worthwhile to others.

Internalizers or "Givers" are all-about-others so they are good at giving love and feel worthwhile to others... but not so good at receiving love or feeling worthwhile to themselves.

Most of us are aware that Givers & Takers seems to find each other... This is another example of the subconscious synchronization of compatible neural networks - such as those between Codependents & Alcoholics, Distancers & Pursuers, or Victims & Rescuers.

In a healthy intimate relationship both parties are giving and receiving love... and as a result, feel worthwhile to self and the other. They take responsibility for co-creating their relationship.

For example, if I refuse to open up and share my true feelings with you then we cannot have intimate communication.

But if I do choose to allow myself to be open and vulnerable we can enjoy healthy intimacy - provided your response reinforces my choice to share how I feel with you.

If you - on the other hand - repeatedly respond in a hurtful way to my attempts to be open then I soon decide its not okay to be open.

In other words - we co-create our healthy relationship patterns through our genuine attempts to communicate and our partner's supportive and authentic responses to those attempts.

So what does a healthy relationship look like? See "Traits of a Healthy Relationship" in the next section. For "Stages of a healthy relationship" click here.

Or you may want to explore the Twenty Signs of Marriage Problems and Healing Marriage Problems.

Traits of a Healthy Relationship

The healthy relationship does not just happen - it's like a plant ... It needs to be nourished, watered, and put out in the sunshine. If the plant is not cared for properly it will begin to show signs of stress... wilting, turning yellow - eventually it dies.

The healthy relationship goes through specific developmental stages and has identifiable traits...

Traits of a Healthy Relationship:

* Love - The two toughest questions of existence - "What is life?" and "What is love?" I do not claim to know the answers to these questions because I feel it's something highly subjective and personal - We all have to answer these questions for ourselves and we all have our own constantly evolving cognitive map for the terms.

Whatever "true love" means to you is going to guide all of your action, reactions, and decisions in the arena of relationship because it is so closely tied to the pain & pleasure continuum.

There is nothing quite like "getting it right" in a healthy relationship, and nothing quite like "getting it wrong" and losing at love.

To me, sports is the closest I can get to something similar... I'm old enough to remember the old ABC Wide World of Sports tagline - "...the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat!".

Whatever love means to YOU... it must be there for you to stay motivated to last the entire season and win the "Superbowl".

Me? - I think love is a verb... an action word. It's not a "thing" that exists between us. It's something we demonstrate over and over again in our actions and reactions. Love is a behavior that helps us co-create a loving, healthy relationship".

Like the term "relationship"... "love" is a nominalization (a verb turned into a noun). We must turn both terms back into action words in order to "get it right."

The action word for relationship is to "relate" - When we step back and ask "How is our relationship going?"... its the wrong question.

We need to get specific and ask questions like:
o "Who is doing most of the relating?"
o "Who is relating what to whom?"
o "Am I relating what I want to relate to my partner?"

Many times people miss the expressions of love by their partners because they are looking for the wrong things...Some expect to hear frequent "I Love Yous"... But their partner's may have learned to express love by some other method such as:

o Working hard to make a comfortable living
o Giving gifts
o Spending time together
o affectionate touch
o Doing things for their partner

It is important to be able to ask for what you need... In fact, the hallmark of a dysfunctional relationship is that it is NOT okay to ask directly for what you need.

Perhaps you have repeatedly asked your partner for more physical affection...they may try for a few days but then things "go back to normal". It's usually because your partner does not have that particular behavior built into his/her neural network for love, also known as their... Love Map.

In this case, your partner must "practice" by consciously making an effort to give you what you need. At first it will feel solicited (because it is) but within a few weeks can become automatic and unsolicited... a part of your synchronized map for how you do love as a couple.

It's much easier to run on auto-pilot and go with our subconscious programming than it is to develop new programming with conscious effort... All those New Years resolutions that we fail to keep are examples of this.

However, for something as important as your healthy relationship it's wise to invest the effort in updating your Love Map... maybe just one thing at a time, but do it whenever possible.

There is a presupposition in NLP that states... "You cannot NOT communicate". It means that your lack of relating - is relating something to your partner.

The remainder of this list are some traits worth relating to each other that will help you "get it right" - provided you really want to invest in and co-create a healthy relationship.

* Separateness & Connectedness - Any expert on healthy relationships will spend a lot of time assessing the separateness and connectedness of a couple who comes to them for help.

The ability to maintain a solid sense-of-self is critical to being able to co-create a healthy relationship. Likewise, the ability to bond with another person is a requirement for true intimacy.

To get an idea of this concept... bring both of your hands together touching only at the finger tips and thumbs... Here you see two parts creating one whole (connectedness)... However, you can also see where one begins and the other ends (separateness).

Now...interlace your fingers as if you are folding your hands. This is all connectedness and no separateness. A couple of family therapy terms for this are "fusion" or "enmeshment" - two people have become so tangled up with each other emotionally that it's hard to tell where one ends and the other begins - They have lost their healthy boundary.

Enmeshment may look equal but it is not...one person gets "swallowed-up" or engulfed by the other losing their autonomy and sense-of-self. An Externalizer usually does the swallowing and the Internalizer usually gets swallowed-up.

If this is a theme in your relationships then it is likely that you became emotionally enmeshed with one of your parents which kept you from being able to fully separate or gain a sense of autonomy...

"Being swallowed-up" is a reenactment, or repetition-compulsion of that early enmeshment and "doing the swallowing" is usually a reaction-formation to the pain of that early experience...

A reaction-formation is an external over-compensation for an internal fear of the opposite. For example... an excessive need for control is often an over-compensation for a fear of being controlled.

If you will now separate you hands entirely and keep them six to eight inches apart you can see all separateness with no connection... family therapists call this a "disengaged" relationship. The wide boundary between them is created and maintained by distancing behaviors.

Distancing in a relationship is also related to a fear of enmeshment or engulfment - a fear of being "swallowed-up" and losing the boundary between self and other.

Kids who experienced too much distance in their "source relationships" (Parents) develop a fear of abandonment... they tend to choose distancers who fear being engulfed.

The distancing of their partner triggers their fear of abandonment causing a compulsion to pursue... which causes more distancing by their partner - a repetition-compulsion or "reenactment of the family dance" they were programmed to act-out.

For more on the dynamics of distance & pursuit check out Relationship Help and Addictive Relationships.

A people in a healthy relationship relate to each other in a way that respects the partnership they have formed while also respecting the individuality of each other. This ability to balance separateness with connectedness allows Mutuality to develop...
Let's Have a Conversation about Relationships!
Are you having problems in your marriage or other significant relationship? Having trouble with communication? Or just want to learn more about healing relationships?

This Forum is a place to gain a fresh perspective... ask questions, encourage others, share your story, swap ideas, discuss relationship problems with others who have "been there and done that".

Click here to go to the Marriage & Relationship Forum
* Mutuality - Mutuality is a blend of acceptance and equality where partners in a healthy relationship...

o accept each other as they are
o make sure each their of needs are given equal priority
o are willing to make sacrifices for win-win scenarios
o encourage and support each other in pursuit of individual goals and dreams...even if that means less time together...in some cases - even if it means letting them go by mutually ending or suspending the relationship.

* Intimacy - True intimacy is the ability to share who you really are with another person... This presupposes that you have a partner who is also willing and able to share who they really are with you.

If you've read the "Iceberg" then you know about the Invented-Self, the False-Self, and the True-Self... Sharing your True-Self demands that you have access to it.

Those who have been affected by the woundedness of others may not know who they really are - Some may even have Adult-Child Syndrome, Codependency, an Addiction, Depression, or some other chronic neural network that limits or impairs their ability to share who they really are.

If this is true in your case (as it is with most of us) then your healthy relationship can only come with a plan for healing your own woundedness as a first step.

If you already have self-awareness (i.e. know your issues and are doing something about them) then you may be ready for the work of co-creating your future.

Even in the best of circumstances laying the groundwork for a healthy relationship is hard work... but with a great payoff!

A word about sex - Healthy couples have a great sex life because they have discovered that sex is the "gravy on top" and that the "meat and potatoes" of their partnership is the intimacy that comes from the emotional connection that they share.

Some people place so much emphasis on sex that they don't feel inclined to do the work of building a healthy relationship.

While sex is an intimate act and as close as two people can physically get to one another... it's just not the same without having the emotional connection that comes from true intimacy - sharing who you really are.

This is frequently why many relationships fail... you cannot survive for long on gravy alone. I'll go out on another limb here and say that you have never experienced great sex if you have not first connected fully on an emotional level.

* Response-able Partners - Response-able partners accept that they have the ability-to-respond in any way they choose to any situation in their life. They refuse to put on the mantle of Victimhood which is handed out so easily in our culture.

They may have irrational thoughts, limiting beliefs, emotional wounds, and other issues in their life that hold them back - but they are doing something about it. They know that they can change and are actively involved in personal growth.

For more on this check out this information on Response-Ability.

* Trust & Safety - Trust & Safety cannot be separated. They are the byproducts of practicing the ideas and behaviors list here.

Have you ever tried to pull a blanket off of someone who's cold? They just hold on that much tighter... If you want them to take the blanket off, then turn up the emotional thermostat to "warm and safe" and they will take it off themselves. (Melody Beattie - The Language of Letting Go P.249)

* Adaptability - People in a healthy relationship are flexible and can adapt to the changing needs of their partner. They value differentness as much as they do sameness. They can agree to disagree without it affecting the way they relate to each other.

* Commitment - All of the above takes supreme effort and commitment. The first item on this list (Love) will provide the motivation and energy to stick with this last item - a strong commitment to tighten the "nuts and bolts" in between.
http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/healthy_relationship.html
 

Emma

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Reading through those lists really freaks me out. Not because I'm in an abusive relationship but because I do a lot of things on the list. I'll bold the ones I do:

*Is jealous or possessive toward you.
(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.)
*Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.
bullet Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.
*Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.
*Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.
*Abuses drugs or alcohol.
*Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)
*Blames you when he or she mistreats you.
*Has a history of bad relationships.
*Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.
*You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.
bullet Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.

*Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.
*Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.
*Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.
*You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of *You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.

Does the person you love...

• constantly keep track of your time?

• act jealous and possessive?

• accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?

• discourage your relationships with friends and family?

• prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?

• constantly criticize or belittle you?

• control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)

• humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)

• destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?

• have affairs?

• threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?

• push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?

• force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?


Its hit like a ton of breaks. I don't do all the stuff all the time, and I do believe a lot of it is his fault but I react really badly to all the stupid things he does and I do a lot to get a reaction out of him like a spoilt child.

I honestly didn't think all that stuff was that bad. I mean I know I wouldn't put up with it in a relationship. I honestly didn't think I was that bad until reading the list. :( So now I reconise this behaviour is there ways to try and change it?
 

Emma

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I guess lol I like to know where he is because when he is late I worry that something has happened to him, and I do have a terrible temper. I dunno, the list just freaked me out. I guess it depends which ones you do with which ones. Maybe I'll just speak to him about it and see how he feels about the list.
 

Green Eyed Fairy

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I guess lol I like to know where he is because when he is late I worry that something has happened to him, and I do have a terrible temper. I dunno, the list just freaked me out. I guess it depends which ones you do with which ones. Maybe I'll just speak to him about it and see how he feels about the list.
I have done some pretty "un-nice" things back to my own exes. I chalk that part up to be a co-dependent.
Not saying that it is YOUR situation, just adding something from my own experiences.

Co-dependents abuse each other.

Signs of a Codependent Relationship
Unhealthy dependencies and repressed anger could be just a few red flags that you are codependent.

Origins in Childhood

Childhood is the breeding ground for a vulnerability to codependency. It is typically triggered by an underlying problem in the family -- a parent with an addiction to alcohol or drugs, or the "clean addictions" like work, food, religion, gambling, computer games, Cannon explains.

"Even misery can be an addiction," she adds. "People get hooked on their own unhappiness, the victim mentality. They learn to get attention by getting people to feel sorry for them."

Mental illness (like depression), abuse (sexual, physical, and emotional), a chronic illness in the family, divorce -- they also set the stage for codependency.

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship
 

Fascinita

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I guess lol I like to know where he is because when he is late I worry that something has happened to him, and I do have a terrible temper. I dunno, the list just freaked me out. I guess it depends which ones you do with which ones. Maybe I'll just speak to him about it and see how he feels about the list.
Best of luck, Em. I think self-reflection is a good thing. And a conversation might even bring you two closer. I hope it goes well.
 

calauria

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i don't know...i feel like i'm cursed or something...my relationship with my family is abusive, had abusive friendships and romantic relationships...i know what abuse is and all, but i always find myself in these unhealthy relationships...i've seriously thought that maybe i'm too damaged to really ever heal, somewhat...to at least find some peace in life...i don't know....i've been abused all my life, i don't know anything else....maybe i attract abusive people and maybe i'm subconciously attracted to them....i don't know....
i know i'm making all kinds of depressing responses to posts...i'm just very depressed to day...sorry....:(
 

Green Eyed Fairy

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i don't know...i feel like i'm cursed or something...my relationship with my family is abusive, had abusive friendships and romantic relationships...i know what abuse is and all, but i always find myself in these unhealthy relationships...i've seriously thought that maybe i'm too damaged to really ever heal, somewhat...to at least find some peace in life...i don't know....i've been abused all my life, i don't know anything else....maybe i attract abusive people and maybe i'm subconciously attracted to them....i don't know....
i know i'm making all kinds of depressing responses to posts...i'm just very depressed to day...sorry....:(
Don't be sorry. That's the point of this thread- to work through these types of problems.
I have had a life similar to yours in some ways. I have been doing much better now. Hope it works out for you.....I understand about "feeling marked" as in I had to wonder if people were able to see some invisible brand on my forehead that said abuse me.
Now I know better.....I have more control of my life and relationships now, too.
 

calauria

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Don't be sorry. That's the point of this thread- to work through these types of problems.
I have had a life similar to yours in some ways. I have been doing much better now. Hope it works out for you.....I understand about "feeling marked" as in I had to wonder if people were able to see some invisible brand on my forehead that said abuse me.
Now I know better.....I have more control of my life and relationships now, too.
Thank you for your encouragment. It is good to know that there is a way out of this. :)
 

kristineirl

memento mori
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Wow....we have a board for BBW now.....so let's talk about some women's issues, shall we?

How about those abusive relationships?

I have been in them. Trying hard to not fall back into my usual pattern with any new guy I meet now.

I have posted this on the boards in various threads, more than once, after reading posts by women I thought might be in an abusive relationship. Seems fitting to start off with this list:



I started thinking about this topic and wanted to pull up that list of warnings signs.....all this inspired by a new man I have been talking to on the phone. Haven't met him in the flesh yet......and he seems quite nice actually.
However......something about him......keeps reminding me of my relationship with my very possessive/jealous/disturbed first husband.


I think there should be clarity about exactly what abuse is, too.







Opinions? Experiences? Things you have learned or seen? Anything to add?

Input from the men is okay, too. Just don't want any bashing/blaming of people that have been in/are in abusive relationships. The intent of this thread is to "hash it out" and perhaps find an understanding/insight of each other and how we can make our lives/relationships better.
holy canole. if this list is accurate, then every single one of my relationships have been abusive relationships. not physically (at least not all of them) but they sure have been emotionally distressing. cripes.
 

nettie

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Nov 28, 2009
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Just wanted to say thanks for starting this thread GEF, and all your subsequent posts. It is so important for us to be discussing this!

In fact, this is the very topic I'm covering with my groups this summer and I've had some amazing conversations with male and female teens regarding their experiences and thoughts. If you have teenage children, please start having conversations with them, as well. It's crucial that they be able to recognize healthy and unhealthy relationships. And, you'll be awed by their insight and wisdom.
 
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