Abusive Relationships

Discussion in 'BBW/FA Board' started by Green Eyed Fairy, Nov 10, 2009.

  1. Nov 25, 2009 #21

    KittyKitten

    KittyKitten

    KittyKitten

    Nerdysillysweetspicysaucy

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    You think I said that's the only way someone cares about a person? No. I should have been more clear--jealousy is a natural human trait. My boyfriend gets a little jealous of other men because I am a beautiful, sexy mami. But you know what? If that is sick, then so be it. He is still a damn good man!
     
  2. Nov 25, 2009 #22

    Green Eyed Fairy

    Green Eyed Fairy

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    I can live with slight jealousy...to be honest, when my second husband showed some "light" jealousy.....I could "take it" because it seemed so "easy" to handle after my first crazy husband. He was EXTREMELY jealous/possessive/insecure. (read: the first guy made the second one seem like a prince simply because he "wasn't as bad" :doh:)

    My first ex-husband physically held me down and wouldn't let me leave the house many times. He had the second key to my car and would love to "hide" it from me if I "defied" him and went somewhere he didn't want me to go with friends.
    He followed me to the grocery store, after I told him where I was going, and wanted to know "who I was there to see". It was like stepping into the twilight zone....I was there to buy groceries....not screw a bag boy. :blink:
    He would start fights with my friends, start fights with my family, attempted to alienate me from my family and even started fights with strangers that looked our/my way.
    My marriage quickly went from me trying to sooth/please him to me wishing one of those random strangers he started fights with would kick the living shit out of him.

    Jealousy can definitely be a sign of abuse......I know because I have lived it first hand.

    I was 19 years old the first time I got married- 22 the second time. Yes, too young to know wtf I was doing. Why I posted that link/info for teens. It does start with the young.....

    I think a "little jealousy" or insecurity can occur in some relationships - but when it grows to be a consuming, problematic cloud over the relationship, no way in the world that is normal or healthy.

    http://www.ideamarketers.com/?Jealo...n_of_an_Abusive_Relationship&articleid=375183


    http://www.ehow.com/how_5620889_overcome-jealousy.html
     
  3. Nov 25, 2009 #23

    Green Eyed Fairy

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    Insecure people are attracted to each other, I suspect. It's part of the dysfunctional dance, isn't it?

    And, as always, I am in this mix and not judging anyone.
     
  4. Nov 25, 2009 #24

    KittyKitten

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    Nerdysillysweetspicysaucy

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    Thank you GreenEyedFairy! That is all I was saying. Jealousy to a certain degree is fine, but when it becomes consuming, that is when it becomes abusive.
     
  5. Nov 25, 2009 #25

    cinnamitch

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    nope

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    I am not a jealous person, does that mean i am not human? Honestly in any relationship i had i trusted that person to do right. If i was proven that my trust was misplaced then lesson learned. Being jealous would have not changed a thing, just would have made me feel like shit. I would hope a man i am with would not have to be jealous of me. I do not do things to encourage that feeling and so far it has worked for me
     
  6. Nov 25, 2009 #26

    KittyKitten

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    Nerdysillysweetspicysaucy

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    See how my words got twisted. I never even said 'that's the only way I can tell a person cares' by their jealousy levels.

    My goodness......
     
  7. Nov 25, 2009 #27

    mossystate

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    I also think it matters if a person is letting you know they are jealous, as a way of telling you just how wonderful they think you are......not healthy.

    Pangs of jealousy are pretty normal. Making sure your partner knows you are jealous, or wearing it as some badge of honor...that is just odd. Normal does not mean the deeper reasons should not be worked on...that's how shit becomes way out of control.
     
  8. Nov 25, 2009 #28

    cinnamitch

    cinnamitch

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    nope

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    Dudette smooth your hackles. I meant you as in the general population of you, not specifying YOU at all
     
  9. Nov 25, 2009 #29

    Sandie_Zitkus

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    Jealousy is a waste of energy. It solves nothing, it creates drama. And it reveals insecurity. The older I get the more ridiculous jealousy seems.
     
  10. Nov 25, 2009 #30

    TraciJo67

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    happyface, with all due respect, this doesn't belong here. We all get that there's such a thing as healthy jealousy. This thread is about abusive relationships, and as such, the type of jealousy that GEF is highlighting serves as a red flag. This is an important thread. GEF (and others) have put a considerable amount of time -- and consideration -- into it. I know that you enjoy spirited debate. But please ... not here.
     
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  11. Nov 27, 2009 #31

    Green Eyed Fairy

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    A random sample of students at a large Midwestern University was selected in order to examine whether and how physical and sexual abuse were related to each other for men and women, whether abuse in one relationship was independent of abuse in other relationships, and how victims responded to abusive incidents. The results revealed several important patterns. When comparing the frequency of physical and sexual abuse for men and women, it was found that sexual abuse was more common than physical abuse, but only for women. Additionally, women experienced more sexual abuse than men. While men and women did not experience physical abuse in other relationships at more than chance levels, women who sustained sexual abuse in one relationship were more likely to sustain sexual abuse in other relationships. Furthermore, while sustaining physical and sexual abuse were not associated with one another for men, there was a weak association for women. Finally, victims of abuse were more likely to tell their friends they had been abused than report it to criminal justice authorities.

    http://www.springerlink.com/content/l7u1x644041x82x0/

    But let's switch to what we should be striving for.....

    http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/healthy_relationship.html
     
  12. Dec 3, 2009 #32

    Emma

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    Reading through those lists really freaks me out. Not because I'm in an abusive relationship but because I do a lot of things on the list. I'll bold the ones I do:

    *Is jealous or possessive toward you.
    (Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.)
    *Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.
    bullet Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.
    *Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.
    *Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.
    *Abuses drugs or alcohol.
    *Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)
    *Blames you when he or she mistreats you.
    *Has a history of bad relationships.
    *Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.
    *You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.
    bullet Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.

    *Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.
    *Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.
    *Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.
    *You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of *You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.

    Does the person you love...

    • constantly keep track of your time?

    • act jealous and possessive?

    • accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?

    • discourage your relationships with friends and family?

    • prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?

    • constantly criticize or belittle you?

    • control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)

    • humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)

    • destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?

    • have affairs?

    • threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?

    • push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?

    • force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?


    Its hit like a ton of breaks. I don't do all the stuff all the time, and I do believe a lot of it is his fault but I react really badly to all the stupid things he does and I do a lot to get a reaction out of him like a spoilt child.

    I honestly didn't think all that stuff was that bad. I mean I know I wouldn't put up with it in a relationship. I honestly didn't think I was that bad until reading the list. :( So now I reconise this behaviour is there ways to try and change it?
     
  13. Dec 3, 2009 #33

    Emma

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    I guess lol I like to know where he is because when he is late I worry that something has happened to him, and I do have a terrible temper. I dunno, the list just freaked me out. I guess it depends which ones you do with which ones. Maybe I'll just speak to him about it and see how he feels about the list.
     
  14. Dec 3, 2009 #34

    Green Eyed Fairy

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    I have done some pretty "un-nice" things back to my own exes. I chalk that part up to be a co-dependent.
    Not saying that it is YOUR situation, just adding something from my own experiences.

    Co-dependents abuse each other.

     
  15. Dec 5, 2009 #35

    Fascinita

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    Jeez, we're blessed!

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    Best of luck, Em. I think self-reflection is a good thing. And a conversation might even bring you two closer. I hope it goes well.
     
  16. Jan 11, 2010 #36

    calauria

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    i don't know...i feel like i'm cursed or something...my relationship with my family is abusive, had abusive friendships and romantic relationships...i know what abuse is and all, but i always find myself in these unhealthy relationships...i've seriously thought that maybe i'm too damaged to really ever heal, somewhat...to at least find some peace in life...i don't know....i've been abused all my life, i don't know anything else....maybe i attract abusive people and maybe i'm subconciously attracted to them....i don't know....
    i know i'm making all kinds of depressing responses to posts...i'm just very depressed to day...sorry....:(
     
  17. Jan 12, 2010 #37

    Green Eyed Fairy

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    Don't be sorry. That's the point of this thread- to work through these types of problems.
    I have had a life similar to yours in some ways. I have been doing much better now. Hope it works out for you.....I understand about "feeling marked" as in I had to wonder if people were able to see some invisible brand on my forehead that said abuse me.
    Now I know better.....I have more control of my life and relationships now, too.
     
  18. Jan 13, 2010 #38

    calauria

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    calauria

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    Thank you for your encouragment. It is good to know that there is a way out of this. :)
     
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  19. Jun 21, 2010 #39

    kristineirl

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    holy canole. if this list is accurate, then every single one of my relationships have been abusive relationships. not physically (at least not all of them) but they sure have been emotionally distressing. cripes.
     
  20. Jun 25, 2010 #40

    nettie

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    Just wanted to say thanks for starting this thread GEF, and all your subsequent posts. It is so important for us to be discussing this!

    In fact, this is the very topic I'm covering with my groups this summer and I've had some amazing conversations with male and female teens regarding their experiences and thoughts. If you have teenage children, please start having conversations with them, as well. It's crucial that they be able to recognize healthy and unhealthy relationships. And, you'll be awed by their insight and wisdom.
     

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