Abusive Relationships

Discussion in 'BBW/FA Board' started by Green Eyed Fairy, Nov 10, 2009.

  1. Jun 25, 2010 #41

    katherine22

    katherine22

    katherine22

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2008
    Messages:
    565
    Likes Received:
    147
    Location:
    ,
    We acquire our sense of normal from the family in which we were raised. If your father was abusvie to your mother, you will think that is normal behavior until you learn differently. Counseling can be helpful in understanding how one is continually attracted to abusive people. One question to ask that might inspire your thinking is - what would your life look like if you were in a good relationship and do the people that you associate with contribute to your vision of a good life for yourself?
     
  2. Jun 26, 2010 #42

    Green Eyed Fairy

    Green Eyed Fairy

    Green Eyed Fairy

    Keeps on dancing

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2006
    Messages:
    18,305
    Likes Received:
    2,766
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    In Your Head
    Sounds like good advice- thanks :)
     
  3. Aug 7, 2010 #43

    tiger

    tiger

    tiger

    Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2008
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    ,
    I havent read too many of the messages here but I get the general jist! Which is knowing when your in an abusive relationship. Im sure its already been written but women do not have a monopoly of being the victims of abusive relationships. It is the stereotypical notion that women are usually the hapless victims of abusive controlling men yet this is only half the story. The thing is alot of men in abusive relationships dont speak out for various reasons. Many reasons that women dont face. For every women that is in an abusive relationship there is a man in the same situation. Which begs the question of why do people get involved in abusive relationships? Well the answer is two fold. For half the people in these relationships they have actually chosen this type of relationship due to damaged and dysfunctional aspects of their own personality, this is done by upbringing mostly. These people unconsciously attrack and are attracked to the very types that will be bad for them and the very types that created these dysfunctions in the first place. These people accept the abuse because on some level it is familiar and therefore safe. For example the abused child who although dosent like abuse is on one level familiar with it so accepts it within a relationship. Then we have the other group of people who are in abusive relationships and this is the group I have found myself in. This group includes people who although havent been abused throughout childhood are willinging to see the good in people and give people the benefit of the doubt. The trickly thing with this group is that at first the abuse is subtle and one may not even be aware they are being abused. At first it wont seem like much and you ll think your creating things in your mind and dismiss yourself and your thoughts as being overly critical and picky. But over time things get slowly worse and you find yourself being abused a little more often and a little more overtly. You begin to feel very uncomfortable but because you like the person you still dismiss it and justify your feelings of discomfort by telling yourself your just making things up and once again put the emphasis on yourself and not the other person. Eventually you feel the pangs in your solar plexus when you realise you can no longer deny that the person you are with is an abusive person and you are in an abusive relationship. If you are not experienced it is easy to fall into this trap. The thing is with this type of relationship is that the abusive person has you questioning your entire reference points. They have subtly undermined you on every level and have begun to take your mind and soul. You find yourself defering to them on every occassion and find you cannot think for yourself anymore. If you do think for yourself you are labelled as inconsiderate or selfish. As the first post pointed out, key signs to watch out for in abusive relationships are possessiveness, where you are labelled selfish for meerly maintaing some boundaries, control freaks, who attempt to control evetry element of your personality and once again label you selfish and inconsiderate when you dare not allow this control, people who put you down if you dont do what they want or who put you down even if you do and of course there is the violent aspect which once again does not only apply to women. What im trying to say is that if the human race is going to continue to justify behaviour on the grounds of gender then we hare never going to progess. You mite hear the well known cliche of "women love bad boys" or "treat em mean keep em keen" what these statements are actually referring to are abusive relationships or an attraction based on dysfunctional and faulty emotional processes which are patterns based in childhood.
     
  4. Aug 7, 2010 #44

    Green Eyed Fairy

    Green Eyed Fairy

    Green Eyed Fairy

    Keeps on dancing

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2006
    Messages:
    18,305
    Likes Received:
    2,766
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    In Your Head
    Tiger, you're right.....it has already been pointed out.
     
  5. Aug 8, 2010 #45

    tiger

    tiger

    tiger

    Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2008
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    ,
    I thought so, just wanted to put my two cents worth in as this subject touches very close.
     
  6. Aug 8, 2010 #46

    tiger

    tiger

    tiger

    Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2008
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    ,
    Actually reading more of this post, its quite an interesting area and a liberating feeling to come to terms with and know why you have made the choices you have and why your life has been as it has. I was brought up in a dysfunctional family environment and have learnt to be co dependant which I am very much aware of. Consequently I have chosen the "wrong types", the types who will only reinforce this codependent mindset. Interesting topic and liberating to be aware of and relieving to escape from.
     
  7. Aug 8, 2010 #47

    blubberismanly

    blubberismanly

    blubberismanly

    Basically New

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2010
    Messages:
    434
    Likes Received:
    22
    Location:
    , USA
    Quickest method of ending relationship...

    Divorce plus restraining order.

    Worked for me. It wasn't super easy and I had to use a check he didn't know I had...and I had to separate from him first.

    6 moths later I was free.
     
  8. Aug 18, 2010 #48

    hal84

    hal84

    hal84

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2010
    Messages:
    1,925
    Likes Received:
    59
    Location:
    ,
    Abusive relationships go both ways. I was in a very emotionally and physically abusive relationship when i was younger. She would berate me and take out her life issues on me, it would also become physical with the last straw is boiling coffee thrown on me. I walked away and I have learned from it, but it still hurt like nothing else at the time. Just through I'd put in my two cents.
     
  9. Jul 27, 2011 #49

    Shan34

    Shan34

    Shan34

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2011
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    79
    Location:
    https://www.facebook.com/shannon.ford.73,
    My abusive relationship experience taught me well. In the beginning he did the classic separating me from my friends and family, wanting to know where I was at all times, got physically abusive. You know, the classic abusive relationship.

    I left him for a while. I went back on the statements that he had changed, blah blah blah. And he did. But it was many years later that I realized he just changed his tactics. He used my fears against me, teased me with knives (don't ask me why I'm scared of them-cuz I don't know), and many other weird things like that. At the end I began to think that I was going insane. Because I was constantly fighting myself. I'd tell myself, "my god, he's just joking around" but it didn't truly ever feel like that. And I knew that when I got so scared I cried and he didn't stop...that's not joking.

    Just be aware that an abusive relationship evolves. And it's sometimes hard to recognize abuse.
     
    Green Eyed Fairy likes this.
  10. Jul 27, 2011 #50

    Lamia

    Lamia

    Lamia

    Like OMG!!

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2007
    Messages:
    1,627
    Likes Received:
    450
    Location:
    , female
    Thank you for sharing your stories and I am sure this thread will help many people. I am so thankful that I've never had any of these awful experiences. I am concerned that maybe I am too controlling and bossy though. :(
     
  11. Mar 28, 2014 #51

    missyj1978

    missyj1978

    missyj1978

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2012
    Messages:
    396
    Likes Received:
    83
    Location:
    ,
    I know this is a old thread but I have recently had my ex beat me up pretty bad. I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can move on and get over the attack. It was not a slap or just a punch it was him sitting on top of me punching me in my face about 15 times(a guess). He is a big man and totally over powered me. He knocked me out half way threw but I remember him saying he was going to kill me and I better say my prayers.

    I ended up being put into the hospital due to the extent of the injuries. My face was totally unrecognizable after it happened. My 5 year old son broke down when he seen me and is now definitely affected by this. He knew right away that his father did this to me :(

    I would like any and all input from anyone who has gone threw this. How can I help my son not be in fear for me, because he is. How can I let go of this because I know by holding onto it that still gives him power over me. How can I protect myself from this monster? The court isn't much help giving his a whole 60 days for domestic violence :confused:
     
  12. Mar 28, 2014 #52

    loopytheone

    loopytheone

    loopytheone

    Staff Member Administrator Global Moderator

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2012
    Messages:
    4,216
    Likes Received:
    1,137
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    England
    Oh my lord, I am so so sorry you had to go through that. That is nothing short of traumatising for you and I can understand your son being so scared as well, that is absolutely horrific. It might be a good idea for you and your son to see therapists at least in the short term, they usually offer special support in cases where something traumatic has happened like this. I am afraid I am not much help in terms of practical solutions but could you prosecute him for ABH or GBH rather than domestic violence? They both carry more severe penalties and you would probably get more support from the courts. It is possible you could get a restraining order to keep him away from you and your son? I don't know if they would put you in protection or if you would want that but if you don't mind moving you might be able to make a clean break like that with help from the courts.

    Just a few ideas, I am so sorry. I am sure you will continue to be an excellent mother to your son no matter what.
     
    HeavyDuty24 likes this.
  13. Mar 28, 2014 #53

    bigmac

    bigmac

    bigmac

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2007
    Messages:
    10,365
    Likes Received:
    537
    Location:
    ,

    He only got 60 days? That seems absurdly low. However, he will still be on probation and can easily be taken back into custody. Talk to victim services and get the name and extension number of his probation officer. Make sure his probation officer has seen the hospital records so he/she knows this was an extraordinary case. Get a little note book. Record any and all violations of the restraining order (i.e. phone calls, threats, stalking) and convey them to his probation officer with as much detail as possible (include contact information of any witnesses). Good luck.
     
  14. Mar 28, 2014 #54

    missyj1978

    missyj1978

    missyj1978

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2012
    Messages:
    396
    Likes Received:
    83
    Location:
    ,
    Thank you Loopy, I am trying to get him in to talk to someone. Its hard to find someone in this little town im in right now. I pray that when he gets out he will just leave and go back to his home state and leave me and the kids be. I have a no contact order on his right now and when he gets out I will have a personal protection order as well. The courts did tell me I don't have to let him see the kids unless he takes me to court for parenting time. I don't think he has enough smarts to try to do that. I worry, if he can do this to me what can he do to my kids...
     
  15. Mar 28, 2014 #55

    missyj1978

    missyj1978

    missyj1978

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2012
    Messages:
    396
    Likes Received:
    83
    Location:
    ,
    Yes!! I agree its absurdly low, crazy low. When I questioned why only 60 days they told me it was due to the over crowding in the jail!? Then let some of the petty criminals out and keep the violent offenders in!
    I sent a long letter and hospital records along with pictures to the judge but it didn't help. My close friends and family flooded the court house with letters begging then to give him a stiffer charge but that didn't work.
    I fear for my life to be honest and this monster of a man can sit back and enjoy the mess he has made of mine and his kids life.
    So my question is if he contacts me when he gets out by phone I can call his probation officer and they will lock him back up for this correct. Im sure he will try, he will want to see his kids. Also if he comes on my property and I let a dog loose on him or a male friend hits him will we get in trouble for that. I am just trying to protect myself and my family...
     
  16. Mar 28, 2014 #56

    fat9276

    fat9276

    fat9276

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2009
    Messages:
    3,930
    Likes Received:
    802
    Location:
    , ______
    What about domestic violence safe houses? Moving in with a relative or friend far away? Moving far away period?
     
  17. Mar 28, 2014 #57

    missyj1978

    missyj1978

    missyj1978

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2012
    Messages:
    396
    Likes Received:
    83
    Location:
    ,
    Yes I am going to be gone when he gets out of jail and hope he leaves quickly seeing how most of his friends no longer want nothing to do with him. The place he was staying at before all this happened is no longer a option for him.
     
  18. Mar 28, 2014 #58

    Tad

    Tad

    Tad

    mostly harmless

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2005
    Messages:
    13,031
    Likes Received:
    1,899
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The great white north, eh?
    First, holy crud, nobody should ever go through what you’ve gone through, and my heart goes out to you. I’m pretty committed to rehabilitation not retribution, but in cases like this a big part of me says “He should lose the hand he hit you with.” That instead he gets 60 days in jail….the mind boggles. I’d rate what he did as a lot worse than a lot of crimes that would draw larger sentences.

    As for what to do next….I know nothing about such situations, but I’d second that if there is some sort of agency or not-for-profit group that deals with your sort of situation (victim services, battered women support group, etc), get in touch—veterans of the system in your area may have good advice or valuable experience for you. (or if there are such groups where you are moving too). Drawing from the experience of people who know such situations and what has and hasn’t worked for others seems to me the best thing you could do.

    One thing that I can think of, just to be on the safe side, is to set up password with your kids—that if anyone else other than you ever comes to pick them up from school, daycare, wherever, they don’t go with them no matter what unless the person knows the password. (and don’t make it something easy to guess, like the name of a pet or their favorite TV character). Hopefully he’ll stay well away, but an ounce of prevention… Do it now, just to have it settled into place before he gets out.

    More broadly, I know you are saying that you hope that he’ll move on and leave you alone. I hope so too! But you know all those sayings… “God helps those who help themselves,” “Hope is good, hope and a back-up plan is better,” “Praise god…..and pass the ammunition” in other words, if and when you can stand to do so, you might want to work through some trees of likely outcomes and see what you can do to head off the worse and encourage the best. Aside from helping things turn out better, doing so may help you feel more in control and safer, too.

    **everything after this is me talking out of my hind-parts, because I don’t know him and have never been in such a situation and I don’t know what is usually recommended. This is just me thinking out loud, based on my experience with people **

    For example, if he gets out of jail, and there is nothing keeping him in your current town—where is he likely to go? Does he have family or friends elsewhere who might take him in and help him re-start his life (who live far from where you are heading?) If so, can you encourage them to offer to do so, for his sake and yours? If not, are there agencies that help guys coming out of jail, and could you somehow put him in touch with them? I know that you shouldn’t still be looking out for him after what he did, but you are doing it for you and your kids—giving him something positive to go to might help head off him making more stupid choices.

    Also, does he have the sort of personality where he may be fixated on seeing his kid(s)? If so, can you bear to give him a route that could lead to that some (distant) day if he behaves himself? (“When our son turns ten, if you have stayed out of jail and are working, I think it would be good for him to get to know you again, as a man who is living his live responsibly and not as the man who tortured and brutalized his mother. Here is the person I’d like to use to set up any such contact. If there is any contact before then or you can’t get yourself straight, then you don’t see him.”) (You’d need a very trustworthy intermediary who won’t flake out, and won’t divulge your contact info). If he is apt to be desperate not to lose all chance to see them but you are determined that there will never be contact (barring them choosing to find him once they are adults) then what can you do to really be hard to trace and hard to get at if he does trace you? If you think that there is a real chance of him trying to track you down, I’d think it would make sense to get a mailbox to route all mail to, to avoid facebook and ask others not to tag you there, to make sure that if you have a phone land-line that it is unlisted, that you have solid doors and locks and peep-holes, etc—I’m sure there are others who can give you much more thorough advice.

    Finally, fingers crossed, wishes sent your way, and hoping and praying that he leaves you alone to live your life in peace.
     
    Green Eyed Fairy likes this.
  19. Mar 28, 2014 #59

    missyj1978

    missyj1978

    missyj1978

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2012
    Messages:
    396
    Likes Received:
    83
    Location:
    ,
    Wow Tad, wonderful advice thank you so much. The password thing, YES I am doing this. And he does have family where he can go far away from me. I just want to say thank you for putting so much time and thought into this and from the bottom of my heart I thank you so much.
     
  20. Mar 28, 2014 #60

    dharmabean

    dharmabean

    dharmabean

    ♥ ɢrÃ¥тıтuɗɛ

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2012
    Messages:
    2,200
    Likes Received:
    311
    Location:
    rebelregan,
    I can relate more than you know. I am going to be sending over a private message to you. I am fresh out of an abusive relationship. I fled and moved 5hrs away while he was in jail for it.

    I cannot offer much advice but this:
    • Take baby steps. Work on you.
    • TRY to follow through on a no contact order (this is hard, trust me).
    • Don't blame yourself, there's already enough victim shaming and blaming out there. You don't need to follow suit.
    • Get help. Seek out a D.V. Advocacy. It truly has been a life altering experience involving myself with a dv group.
    • Seek counseling, for both you and your son. This is going to leave a lasting impression on your son. You don't want him thinking that it's okay for men to do that to a woman.
    • ALLOW yourself days of ups, downs, depression, frustration, anger. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Be gentle on yourself.
     

Share This Page