Accepting your body?

Discussion in 'Daily Living' started by exponder, May 23, 2019.

  1. May 23, 2019 #1

    exponder

    exponder

    exponder

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    Hello everyone, I've had an account here for some time now, though I never post. I have a question for anyone, everyone.

    I turned 40 this past April, Im currently about 420lbs, used to be closer to 650. And I thought my self image would change, but it hasn't. I'm tired of being ashamed. I've literally beat myself up verbally all my life for my weight and body. Mirrors where a no-no. I saw a freak of nature, someone that needed to be put down. I see myself with pure disgust. But I'm trying to dig my way out of this hole.

    My question is how, how do I love myself, accept myself. Just feel half normal. I don't leave the house, stores make me sick to my stomach cause the way people look at me. I want a life. I'm tired of hiding. ;(

    Any advice?
     
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  2. May 23, 2019 #2

    loopytheone

    loopytheone

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    Ah... well, welcome back to posting and I'm glad you decided to reach out to people about how you feel, even if it is just us random internet people.

    I absolutely identify with the feelings you are expressing, it is exactly how I spent many years feeling. I'm not especially big, so it was more other factors that lead to me feeling that way, but I used to wish I wasn't alive because of how I looked. I felt like a freak, disgusting and not worthy of being around 'normal' people.

    But it can get better, I promise you. I've reached a point where on my good days I am happy with my appearance, and on my bad days I find myself tolerable to look at. You can get there too, I'm sure.

    It sounds like the feelings you are describing are part of being depressed. Are you receiving treatment for depression? Because that would likely help make everything easier for you. Nobody deserves to suffer, after all.

    As for general advice when it comes to thinking better of yourself, I always found that focusing on my positive, non-physical attributes helps. I'm smart, I'm kind, I have value as a person beyond how I look. I also practised saying something positive about my body ever day. Even if all you can come up with is "My body lets me interact with the world" or "My skin does a good job keeping out microbes" then at least it is something positive and you can build on that.

    Do you have those same feelings of disgust towards other people who are of a similar size to yourself? If so, then you may need to reconsider how you think about weight and size in general. If not, then try and treat yourself with the same kindness and respect you would offer anybody else your size.

    I hope things get better for you and you are able to lead a happier life, piece by piece. I'm always available to offer advice and support and such if you need somebody to listen.
     
  3. May 24, 2019 #3

    exponder

    exponder

    exponder

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    Thank you for the reply and advice. I hide all my feelings from family, friends, everyone really. It's safer that way. And yes I have a few different types of depression along with PTSD. Im prescribed medication and I take it.. sometimes. Lol I know that I need to take it daily it just leaves me feeling spacey and not all here. I need to addressed and change it with my doctor.

    In no way do I have the same feelings for other people, I can see beauty in everyone but myself. Infact I was just looking at the Topic where everyone was sharing nude photos of themself. A lot of amazing souls there. Wish I had that kind of courage. Some day eh.

    Thanks again for your time and kindness.
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2019
  4. May 26, 2019 #4

    Starling

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    It’s easy to say “don’t care what other people think!” but much harder to do it. If you are having a hard time leaving the house, try going with one or two people you trust as a buffer at first. Or go places where you will have common interests with people - like a gaming night if that’s your thing, or helping out at an animal shelter. That way there will be an activity that most people are focused on, so they won’t be focused on you - and more importantly, you won’t be focused on the possibility of them focusing on you.

    In terms of getting friendlier with the guy in the mirror, there are two things you could try. The first would be to think if there is anything specific that you dislike, or if it’s just an overall feeling of disgust toward yourself. If it’s the second, you’ll probably want to chat with your doctor or therapist because that could be a hormonal/chemical imbalance talking more than anything. If it’s the first, I agree with Loopy to focus on the things you like about yourself (physical or otherwise), and play those up when the parts you aren’t crazy about are getting you down.

    It always helps to remember that no one is judging you more harshly than you judge yourself. I don’t know the people in your life, but I know they don’t think you are a waste of space or need to be “put down”. It sounds silly, but maybe keep a journal and write one thing you like about yourself or that you are good at a day. That way, you’ll have something to look back at on days when loving yourself is hard.

    I’m clearly not a therapist or anything, so feel free to take or leave this as needed! Sending you good thoughts.
     
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  5. May 26, 2019 #5

    DragonFly

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    I got comfortable with my self by looking in the mirror. Just rip the bandaid off and do it. You are a valuable soul and deserve every inch of space you take up. The current body positivity and size acceptance trends are very flawed. The only person you need to look like is you. I suggest you head over to the BHM/FFA boards and start reading. I’m very glad you found Dimensions and thank you for posting. I know it takes guts.
     
  6. May 27, 2019 #6

    loopytheone

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    I personally find it helpful as well to try and take a step back when you are feeling really negative towards yourself. Would you say such cruel things to another person that happened to look like you? No, because you understand that they have value far beyond how they look and that they are beautiful, valuable people. That applies to yourself too, so if you feel disgusted with yourself, try to remember that you should treat yourself with the same kindness you treat others.
     
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  7. May 27, 2019 #7

    Sidhuriel

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    It's been a long struggle for me too, and I am only partially there yet at 31.Letting go of societal conditioning takes courage and patience.
    It helps me to look at pictures of women my size, because I can actually appreciate how THEY look. I think THEY are beautiful, I just have trouble connecting that beauty to my own body because from childhood on I was told my body is ugly. Just like I assume you are. But it still helps to look at them, because if they are beautiful, why would I not be?

    I have a wonderful husband now who truly adores my body and that helps me feel more confident too, I know he really truly likes me and I know he's not the only one. But there's a disconnect between thinking and feeling. I KNOW I look good, but I don't FEEL that way often. But it's becoming more frequent, also because I found places where I can buy plussize clothing that flatters me.

    So that's another tip for you, try to find clothes that feel good and fit well, it makes such a difference!
     
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  8. May 27, 2019 #8

    bubba350

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    As a lifelong fat guy I felt your pain for a long time.
    But I got over it, Had teacher tell years ago to use your size as an advantage. When you walk in to a room you are making a statement show some pride in your self .
    You already know your going to be the biggest person in the room. It's nothing to fear you deal with it every day. Who needs what society thinks . Some people see you as a possible threat .So to those you scare sell it to them. Build up your self confidence if they say it's a jungle out there we big guys are the elephants no body messes with them.
    To the ladies always dress and groom well,and act honestly no stupid come ons.
    You may want to approach and ask out your female counterparts you obviously have something in common, it makes conversation easier.
    Do not worry what society thinks be your own man we all have those fears of not conforming, We don't conform so what who say we have to.
    Remember your just a fat guy look around your not alone.
    Of all the burdens we place on self fat isn't so bad, remember it could be so much worse.
     
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  9. May 27, 2019 #9

    Tad

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    On top of what others have said, when those thoughts of disgust (etc) start happening, try to identify whose voice they come in? Was there family, peers in school, doctor, an abuser or whoever that you really internalized? I don't think any of us are born wired to be disgusted with ourselves, it is something we learn along the way. So as a start, try to identify who you picked some of that up from. The next step is to start cutting them off when their voices speak in your head, but first you need to be able to identify those voices.

    Also: congrats on how much weight you have lost! That is incredibly tough, and not something most people could manage i think. I hope that physically at least it has helped you to feel better and more able to move about.
     
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  10. May 30, 2019 #10

    Unbasher

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    A good therapist. That's what helped me accept myself as a person. As for my body, I'm still working on that (I may be skinny but an eating disorder distorts one's self-perception), but those two go hand in hand. I don't know how affordable and available therapists are in your area, but I would make an effort to find one and go there every week. At some point you'll feel you can extend the intervals. I wish you well.
     
  11. May 30, 2019 #11

    BigElectricKat

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    When you first created this post, I actually typed out a reply immediately. But it was a knee jerk reaction to your question and I felt it would do you and anyone else a disservice by posting it. After a little while of reflecting I decided to come back to it and put my 1 ½ cents (not a full 2 cents) in. I realized that we all have problems and if we take the right perspective, our problems are everyone else’s problems in some way. That said, I have your same problem albeit to a lesser degree.

    First and foremost, if I had lost one third of my body weight as you have, I’d be rather proud of myself (in all actuality, if I had done so, I would look sickly and it would scare people, myself included). I’m surprised that the increase in mobility, stamina, and (probably) flexibility haven’t already galvanized you to get out and ‘kung fu’ the world (so to speak). But I get it; lingering issues of doubt and self-image are keeping you on the sidelines. But they shouldn’t. You’ve made progress! Revel in that. Otherwise, what does it take to get you to a point where you’re happy(er).

    If, as you say, you are tired of hiding and you want a life (whatever that means), then DO SOMETHING about it. I’m not suggesting that you lose more weight, get a new wardrobe, or start a diet. I’m saying that if you are so tired of the way your life is going at present, then do something about it. When people get fed up to the point they simply can’t take anymore of something, they DO something about it. And by DO I don’t mean talk or write about it.

    Example: If you put your hand over an open flame, when the flame becomes too unbearable… YOU MOVE IT! You don’t simply stand there and let your hand burn off (or melt if you are a Terminator), right? If your spouse keeps cheating on you over and over again, if you get fed up, you divorce that witch or wastard (notice I used w's instead of b's). And if you are a kid that gets bullied in school day after day, you finally either tell someone (the preferred method) or you bring a weapon to school to use against that jackass bully (I do not condone this type of action but you get my drift I hope).

    My point is that sitting at home lamenting your situation really doesn’t do anything to change it. Like Yoda says: “Do or do not. There is no try.”

    I wish you the best of luck in redefining yourself and getting out into the world to let everyone know who you are and what you bring to the table!
     
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  12. May 31, 2019 #12

    Emmy

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    Physically speaking maybe pick one thing you DO like. When you say "i dont like my weight" maybe say "but i do like my ____".
    Barely any human in the world likes every single thing about themself! We're programmed to be hard on ourselves, its a hard thing to learn and be kind to yourself and then expect it of others.
     
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