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Paw Paw

Hunting Cougars
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Dec 19, 2006
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I never "came out". I just started dating big ladies, and folks noticed.

I do have some idiot friends who ask," Is she big enough?". Or my stepfather who thinks I should join a church because, " they got big women there too." .

All in all there has been no real flack from family or friends.

Peace,
2P.
 

GWARrior

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This is a pathetic example. Having long hair doesn't have the stigma being fat does, etc etc. However, it kind of used to. My dad had long hair. When my mom brought him home, my grandfather chased him down the street with a shotgun. My grandfather was genuinely opposed to 'long haired hippies' in a way that some people are against fat people. Later, my dad did mention wishing that she'd have warned him about her parents and at least prepared her parents for him.

Was his hair a disease or big deal? Probably shouldn't have been, but to my grandfather it was. That doesn't at all reflect negatively on my dad, only on my grandfather who had the narrow-minded views. I feel it's the same with F/FAs and people of size. No, you don't need to go hollering it from the roof tops. But when it comes time for me to meet your parents or friends, have enough respect for me to have my back and to be willing to stand up for what we have--love, friendship, kinship, etc.
I dont see how my example was "pathetic", because we pretty much seem on the same page.

thanks.
 

Ample Pie

Fattitude Problem
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I dont see how my example was "pathetic", because we pretty much seem on the same page.

thanks.
It's pathetic because the "long hair" stuff is BS. Long hair doesn't have the same kind of stigma that being fat does. Your example was flippant, hence pathetic.

Also...though separately, I do want to add that I don't think that liking people of size requires a defense. It also shouldn't be hidden away in shame.
 

Shosh

Susannah
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It's pathetic because the "long hair" stuff is BS. Long hair doesn't have the same kind of stigma that being fat does. Your example was flippant, hence pathetic.

Also...though separately, I do want to add that I don't think that liking people of size requires a defense. It also shouldn't be hidden away in shame.
I didn't see how G'War's example was pathetic to be honest. Of course long hair has a kind of stigma the same as being fat does with some people. Some people regard people with long hair as being useless bums ( The people judging are stupid ignorant asses) and they regard fat people as being lazy and useless.
 

gangstadawg

the wanderer
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PS

To raise this topic is also to always raise the possibility that somebody *won't* come out of the closet. It's possible. You see it--around here, too. And that is a really upsetting idea. It means that somebody's flirting with a lifetime of very sad and bad stuff. People who hide their preferences cause a world of hurt for themselves, and a world of hurt for *us* (fat girls). I think this is part of the reason for the strong reactions. How can that be one of the options on the plate, that kinda misery? Would be the idea.
to add and a world of hurt for the skinny woman they try to go out with but cant fully love.

and to susannah who sent me rep and a message. yes im back but i never really went any where i just took a small break from both DIMs and fullfiggas and partially myspace.
 

Littleghost

Oh, Frickenstein.
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But why does someone have to make a stand? I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm really not. I just can't wrap my head around that whole way of thinking. I'm white, none of my boyfriends have ever been white. Not one time did I ever feel the need to explain to any of my family or friends why I never chose to date a white man. Never did I feel the need to "warn" my parents that I was bringing a man of color home to meet them. Would I care if my family made a choice not to like someone purely based on the color of their skin? You betcha! I'd be pissed that they would feel the need to put their opinions and maybe their own comfort above my happiness. If I'm with someone who treats me right and makes me happy what they look like shouldn't matter.

I would cut off family and friends if they decided to not accept someone that I happened to love enough to bring them around because of their physical appearance, but that's just me. Because that's how I feel and how I believe that I would react, I can say that I wouldn't be with someone who worried about whether or not his family and friends would accept me purely because I am fat. There are other reasons they can hate me for, I can be loud, opinionated, and I say stuff sometimes without thinking about it first. To hate me just because I'm fat? That's so 1st grade. :rolleyes:
I understand you're genuinely trying to understand the situation, but I think that some of the things I've picked up from your posts tell me that you won't really be able to. If I'm reading it right, you've shown some qualities like natural independence and confidence, assertiveness, resolve and that you have very open and honest relationships with those around you. Those are definitely GOOD things, but not everyone has them or is in environments like that.

I've observed that while they aren't being cruel or callous, people with those traits have a "What's the big deal, get over it" attitude. This is because they've never really experienced the conditions that would help them understand. People can't whip out confidence and independence that they don't have, building up those traits can take years and often times, situations reinforce the opposite of this.

I think the 'FA outness' situation is a combination of things. It comes from growing up in situations where things are (un)intentionally taught like: a strong dependence to groups and adherence to social 'rules' and 'etiquette', no matter how screwed up the rules may be. The person is made to feel more responsible to other people and the 'proper' way of things than themselves.

One of the lessons I've learned is that "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it" is still an incredibly strong rule in these times. It basically states that overall feelings are more important than individual ones and the truth. A good example of that is this thread. And of course the more honest about things you are in these situations, the more 'tactless' and 'insensitive' you are perceived to be. I think that people who are in those situations are aware of that at least emotionally if not intellectually, and nobody really wants to be a 'jerk' even if it's only a mis perception. People that are more 'socially responsible' or burdened socially feel this way much more strongly.

A lot of times that feeling of responsibility is coupled with guilt as the group that is the most important is the family. For better or worse, the family is probably the most powerful social unit today. The more closely knit one is, the more anything that goes against the grain of the family is seen as a betrayal and that they are a bad person. This is also how the potential 'betrayer' feels. They are conditioned that way. This is especially true of poor families and how they keep themselves down; that anyone who tries to better themselves is suddenly seen as 'too good' for the family and ashamed of them. And of course it works backwards too, in middle and upper class families going against the grain, someone is the 'black sheep', a disgrace or not good enough.

Quite often there is a lot of passive aggression in play, and whether it is intentional or if even anyone is even aware of it rarely matters, because it still serves to both inform the person of their worth and connect that worth to the group. The message is that if the person wants to have value then they must be a part of the group and they must play their role.

The problem with all of this of course is that the focus is all external. Inner feelings, worth, and confidence are all dependent on outside forces. And since the person doesn't know any different or has little concept and experience of individuality, then being so is almost impossible.

In the end there are definitely varying degrees of this, but the more strong or subtle the influence, the harder it is to shake.
 

Littleghost

Oh, Frickenstein.
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It's pathetic because the "long hair" stuff is BS. Long hair doesn't have the same kind of stigma that being fat does. Your example was flippant, hence pathetic.

Also...though separately, I do want to add that I don't think that liking people of size requires a defense. It also shouldn't be hidden away in shame.
Different cultures and sub-cultures even in the US have different definitions of what is 'acceptable' and what isn't. In the south, at least at one time, being fat was no big deal. In the 50's and 60's, long hair for men was a pretty widespread 'no-no'. I'd heard of lots of times when fathers would be outraged or ridicule a daughter's boyfriend for having it. Quite a few places wouldn't hire you if you had long hair, and would be public about that rule. In missouri today, I had long hair for awhile, barely down to my shoulders and positive or negative, people couldn't stop commenting about it. For me it was just... hair.

Her example isn't exactly the same thing as fat, but it's still a pretty valid analogy.
Plus, you have to remember that while times change, it isn't always progressively.
 

CTAnonymousCT

Repressed Orator
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Just wondering when and how u guys "came out" with being an FA? What did u say? How was it recieved?
I always was attracted to plus sized women. I will say that as a younger man I wasnt ready for the peer pressure, So I dated skinnies up until I was 21. Then I realized that every skinny women I dated I always found myself straying with a plus sized gal. That wasnt good, so I knew I needed to be honest with myself and then something happened, I no longer cared what my "buddy's" thought. I LOVE fat girls! PERIOD! I got alot of questions from friends, which I explained. A few didnt accept it, which tells me they werent true friends anyway. I have learned that my choices determine my life. When I denied that I was truly attracted to fat girls I lived a life that was unhealthy for me, them and anyone else I was involved with because I was living a lie. But when I accpeted my natural desires as healthy and right for me, My life became more then I could have imagined. Anyhoo, Thats my $.02 cents. :bow::bow:
 

snuggletiger

Clowns Fear Me
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Gee I guess I was out of the FA closet since 6 years old and haven't been back inside. Not that that will get me a special award or medal. Maybe just looks of derision because I am not a 20 or 40 something who suddenly "GOT IT".
 

Ash

Smash
DimensionsModel
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I think its a little harsh to link 'outness' as an FA to the level of 'family acceptance'. Thats like saying, your parents dont accept you as an FA so we wont either..! How does that make sense?

No-one can choose their parents or control how their parents feel about fatness. I've spent years trying to make headway 'educating' mine... 'progress' has been very slow. I think that some parents can have a very fixed idea in their heads about their offspring and what their aspirations are for them. When their kids make decisions that they dont understand... or consider 'wrong' then their 'plan' for their kids is threatened..? I dunno... Its out of a misplaced notion of love I think???

Anyway, however crap they are when it comes to fat acceptance, my parents are still my parents and I owe them a lot for all they've given me in life. It doesnt help that they are negative about my aesthetic preference... but, in turn, I dont have to be bound by their expectations or negativity.
Quoted for emphasis.

That is all.
 

Green Eyed Fairy

Funky Faerie Queene
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Sep 18, 2006
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I never "came out". I just started dating big ladies, and folks noticed.

I do have some idiot friends who ask," Is she big enough?". Or my stepfather who thinks I should join a church because, " they got big women there too." .

All in all there has been no real flack from family or friends.

Peace,
2P.
Oh gawd....something about that made me laugh... :p :)
 

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