Realization
The door did not slam. That was what a teenager did. It did, however, close with a resounding thud that caused it to rattle in its frame. Heavy, uneven footsteps sounded in the hallway, along with an irritable, indistinct muttering. A heavy bag thumped, and a light curse followed the sound of his cane hitting the floor.
Viv, in the kitchen, felt his irritation and pain in equal measures. “Hey Brad - ”
“I’ve had a **** of a day,” he snarled as he limped into the kitchen. For the first time in a long time, his pupils were drawn as tight as his face. As she used to fancy them, cold as two piss holes in the snow. When they were like this, they were far more yellow-brown than green. Lines bracketed his expressive lips, and his jaw clenched as he limped towards her heavily.
It must look odd, she admitted as her friend’s curiosity and concern washed over her from the other room. Of course, she had told them of him before dating. Exhibition A: The *******. And then of course, she had told them about their becoming a couple, and the changes that he had gone through. Exhibition B: The doting, funny, cuddly teddy bear boyfriend.
The tall, heavily muscled boyfriend stomping around and cursing seemed more like the former than the latter. Of course, Madz was used to his temper and looked completely unperturbed.
From her perspective, he was not just physically sore, he hurt emotionally. Emotional vines stole out, turning her towards him and caused her to extend her arms instinctively.
“Make me feel better, babe?” he murmured as he half fell into her arms, half enveloped her. The smell of clean sweat enveloped her, along with the wintergreen scent of his soap, and that musky scent which was quintessentially Brad. His face found its way to the side of her neck, which he kissed tenderly. “Hey you,” he whispered, shoulders instantly relaxing. “I missed you.”
Viv allowed herself a twitching grin as his hot breath instantly tickled and warmed her. “I missed you too. Welcome home. You remember that my friends were coming today?”
To be fair to him, very few boyfriends lit up at the prospect of being interrogated 3:1 by his girl’s friends. To his credit, the only outwards sign he gave of his chagrin was a quick, short exhale and an extra nuzzle into her neck before he straightened. “Oh yes,” he raised his voice, turning towards the living room and extending his right arm in greeting. “Hello.”
His left stayed firmly around her as they echoed the greeting, holding her close to his side. A side which had turned from a hard gulley into a very small yet soft mound. “Why don’t you go sit with them, and I’ll bring the food in when it is ready?”
His eyes slid from examining their guests to hers. “Throwing me to the lions?”
“Your courage will hold,” the now silver haired woman retorted.
“My fortitude needs bolstering,” Brad grinned, then jerked his chin to the cutting board. He opened his mouth, one brow lightly cocked a as a challenge. To anyone else, the intimate yet innocent act of putting a cracker with cheese into her boyfriend’s mouth would be nothing of note. For them?
Her own lips twitched. “I’d shove this into your mouth just to shut you up, but you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” she whispered, poking a finger into his chest.
“So much,” he groaned as she slid it between his lips. Adjusting his cane, he limped into the living room. “Ladies.” He settled on what had become his side of the couch. “Sorry for being late. I was just at physio.” Long legs extended under the coffee table, and he set his cane against the side table.
Kristen, her friend from high school, examined him with the impartial air of a horse buyer. “He is rather handsome,” she admitted, the words sounding wrung from her rather unwillingly. She had been the most vocal in her protests about Vivian taking to the ‘bad boy’. In the kitchen, Viv gave a brief smile.
“I like to think I clean up decently.”
“Modest, too,” Jamie quipped as she leaned forward to capture a cracker with salmon and cream cheese. Of the three, she had been the most impartial. If Viv was happy, she was happy.
His eyes tracked the motion of her hand, expression darkening. “Have you met Viv? I practically had to throw myself at her to get her to notice me.”
Viv’ light voice sounded from the kitchen. “Lies, deceit and calamari!”
Brad perked up, head pivoting, nose air scenting. “There is calamari?” He demanded.
Madz, their friend from the gym, grinned at her coworker. “You’re getting fat, Brad,” she teased, reaching over to poke a digit into the small roll which was pressing against the front of his t-shirt. Her opinion had been less about Brad’s personality, and more his size. Her only, rather confused comment had been: ‘isn’t he too skinny for you?’
“The better to please her with,” he quipped, patting the small roll with confidence.
Still in the kitchen, Viv was staggered by the regret that rolled off him a moment later. As he stumbled to backtrack his admission, she popped her head around the corner. “It’s ok. It’s ok. They know I am a chubby chaser,” she informed him. “By the way, you are adorable when you blush.”
In response, he did the mature thing of sticking his tongue out at her retreating form.
Madz ruffled her mohawk, currently down on one side of her head. “Viv liked you from day one, dumb-dumb. You just had to get off of your high horse to notice. But it’s ok – you didn’t have a gut to listen to, back then!” She snickered at her own joke.
“Well, if I had known that all it would take to get her to like me was to break my foot with a fifty-pound weight and become a cripple, I would have done it earlier,” he quipped as the blush on his stubble covered cheeks slowly faded.
Jamie snorted at him. “That sounded oddly both true and bitter.”
“I said it, and I meant it. I’ve never been happier than with Viv,” he repeated in a carrying tone, winking at Jamie.
“Shut up,” his girlfriend laughed from around the corner, feeling the truth and warmth of his statement envelop her.
Madz was eying him shrewdly as he returned his attention, with a regretful expression, to the entrees before them. “Bitter because you can’t work out?”
His nostrils flared in a snort. “Hardly. I am bitter that I can’t eat what I want without working out. There is a subtle yet significant difference.”
Madz grimaced in solidarity. Her own form was muscled but curvy. “I feel you. I’d be the size of a house without working out.”
Despite his joking, pleasant, and at times jocular tone, Viv could feel a sadness eat at him. A line appeared between her brows as she quickly plated the sausage pastries and entered the room. Depositing the appetizers onto the table, she slid in between him and Madz as the conversation shifted. “Are you ok?”
One thing that made her man so exceptional – and at times so infuriating – was his lack of filter. He jerked his head and opened his mouth as if to say fine, licked his lips and looked down, then met her gaze. “Nah. Physio isn’t going as well as I had hoped. The surgery helped but they said it’s going to be months before I am back to anything resembling normal. I’ve been told if I push it too hard, too fast, I could cripple myself.” His tone was low, for her ears alone.
Her chest tightened as she curled into his side. Nestling her face between his chest and bicep, she gazed up at him. “I’m so sorry. But the prognosis is still looking good long term?” She smiled at a comment, the others temporarily carrying the conversation.
He dipped his shaggy head in acknowledgment. “But if I can’t work out, I can’t eat what I want. I was really, really looking forward to eating tonight,” he added in a tone of deep mourning, the corners of his lips turning down as he observed the spread of appetizers.
You can eat what you want. The words almost spilled out from her parted lips, and she snapped them closed with a jerk. A deep inhale preceded a deep exhale. Her eyes sought his, only to skitter away once they met. “I want…you to not be sad,” she muttered into his firm chest, tone so soft as to be more felt than heard.
“I know.” He patted her hip, settling more firmly into the couch. “Don’t worry. I’m a grown ass man. It’s just food. I’ll get over it.”
And of course, her boyfriend dug deep, smiling at her friends and socializing. Specifically making a good impression. Ignoring the food in front of them. Keeping true to his commitment that he wouldn’t let his appetite get the better of him without the compensating control of working out. If Viv was not as empathic as she was, she would have been hard pressed to notice, let alone name his pain. As it was, she could literally feel a pang between her chest and ribcage every time he watched their guest take or bite into a morsel.
Finally, unable to stand it, let alone listen to her guests, she disentangled herself enough to plate several sausage rolls, a few crackers with salmon and cream cheese, and a few phyllo pastries stuffed with spinach. Her stomach clenched at his discomfort – her eating that in his face would be very cruel. Instead, she popped one into her mouth before raising her fingers to his lips.
His eyes half lidded. “Don’t do anything you don’t want to.” When she continued to hold the mouthful up wordlessly, his lips parted to accept the precious cargo. A low, reverberating hum of pleasure made her shiver with happiness, as did his hold tightening possessively.
Over the course of the next two hours, the appetizers began to dwindle, but four health-conscious women were not likely to make a significant dent in the amount served. An item of note for some couples. Their eyes briefly met, both cheeks colouring. A line in the sand for others.
Vivian returned from letting her guests out, torn between guilt for being less social than usual and straight up horniness. Her boyfriend was sitting forward on the couch, one hand gently pinching the tiniest pad of fat below his chin, which only appeared when looking down. Noticing her reappearance, he released it and patted the couch next to him. “Want to…watch a movie?”
“Do you…want me to clean up?” God, they sounded like scared teenagers. Clearing her throat, she shook out her hair. “I can put them in the garbage.”
Hazel eyes met hers, an unfathomable expression in them. “No! I mean… Well. What do you think I should do?”
That was so not fair! “Well. It’s your body, as you like to point out.”
He nodded, gaze slowly returning to the food.
Good. Supportive and not leading at all. “On the other hand, you have been clear that certain nights were set aside for eating. And you were looking forward to this ‘eating night’ for a two weeks.” Shut up, shut up, shut up.
His gaze snapped back up to hers, expression haunted. “I just want food to be something special between us. Not something I mindlessly shove down my face hole.”
It was one of those inadvertent, off the cuff, and absolutely true statements that caused discombobulated thoughts to crystalize. Sitting next to Brad, she took one of his warm, large hands in hers. That was it. That was precisely it. Nail on the head.
That was the thing she hated about all of her past relationships. The mindless face hole stuffing that resulted in weight gain. There was no memory that came along with the poundage. There was no ‘this five pounds was from that fantastic vacation in France, and these two were from the snow storm that snowed us in’.
Every meal with her exes had been like she was starving, watching them eat from the other side of a glass window. Yes, she had at times encouraged, perhaps. Because maybe, if they ate something else, she might get a taste of togetherness. That perhaps her preference could be something special between them.
Not with Brad. Every meal he ate, he shared with her not only physically, but spiritually. He ate, he teased, he touched. When she was at work earlier in the week, he had phoned on her lunch just to tell her how amazing her hummus was and how much he wished she was there to enjoy it with him. It wasn’t about the food for him either. It was about food with her.
So far, she had noted his body with a near clinical impassivity, refusing to allow herself any part in either the act of him eating, or his body. There hadn’t been a damn window up this entire time with Brad, she had just been standing outside looking in for no goddamn reason!
Leaning forward, she kissed him deeply. “You taste like sausage,” she informed him with a smile, her heart racing so hard that she doubted she could pull this off. He grinned, one large arm snaking around her. Reaching to her left, she scooped up a salmon cracker.
His eyes widened fractionally before he parted his lips. “Viv?”
“Now you taste like salmon,” she informed him as she came up for air.