article - The Reason I Won't Mention My Size On Dating Apps

Discussion in 'Fat in the Media' started by fuelingfire, Aug 28, 2017.

  1. Aug 28, 2017 #1

    fuelingfire

    fuelingfire

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    http://www.refinery29.com/plus-size-women-dating-app-profile

    I found this from Plus Model Magazine’s Facebook page’s link. It’s by Laura Delarato. These are my thoughts on the article, but was wondering what others thought.

    As a FA I cringed while reading a lot of this article.

    It makes full sense for her to want to be seen as a woman rather than a fat woman. Despite how much I write on Dims about fat women, I usually don’t think of any of my partners that I have had as being fat either. It’s not a rejection of any of their sizes, it’s just not part of most of my thinking.

    Most fat women I know (IRL) who are having trouble finding relationships, face the same issue. When they meet the guy they met online, they get something like “I didn’t realize you were this big.” Or something very similar. And never hear from the guy again. Even when they make sure there is at least one “unflattering” picture displaying them as fat, or state they are fat in their profile. I sometimes recommend Feabie, but it’s strongly based upon what the woman says she hopes for.

    I do think she should write off guys, whose first message is, “I love BBWs” As I would assume they are trying for a booty call. No evidence on that, but it’s not hard to try to get a feeling of a person before commenting on the physical.

    “I’m very much known for my act-first dating method — basically going up to people at bars and saying, ‘Hi, I’m Laura. You’re super cute. I’m sitting over at the bar if you think I’m cute and want to keep chatting.’” Well doing that shows tons of confidence. It’s attractive to both women and men.

    I do like that she seems to like making non-FAs realize that they can be attracted to fat women. But she does seem to crap on FAs. Some of it might just be writing style. I am a FA but not some sort of hero to all fat women. If someone gives you that sense, it’s a good idea to avoid them. I definitely agree with her, don’t settle message.
     
  2. Aug 28, 2017 #2

    loopytheone

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    Urg, no, I don't like people like her, people that seem to insist they are better and more important than everyone else, which is the tone I get very strongly from her article.

    "How dare you judge me on my appearance and not my interests!" she is basically saying whilst I'm sure she swipes no to plenty of people just on the basis that she doesn't find them attractive. There's nothing wrong with appearance being important in your partner. But that's just it, it's a personal thing; your partner has to be attractive to you and that's all that matters.

    Women that are negative towards FA make me cringe. They think they are so empowered, when what they are actually doing is rejecting anybody that openly prefers their appearance. It would be the same as a guy rejecting any woman that is openly straight because she just likes him 'for being a man'. It's ridiculous and on some level says something about their actual self confidence/self worth because they reject so strongly being loved and admired.

    I could never be with a person that isn't a FA. Not because I'm fat - I have plenty of non-FAs like me - but because I'm not willing to be 'accepted' when I could be loved or adored. Anybody that is with me better damn well think I'm the hottest thing they've ever seen, want to rave about my body and think I'm incredible and I refuse to settle for someone 'accepting' my body instead.

    Honestly, she seems to sum up something I see a lot in people with (limited) public attention. There is a tendency to be both arrogant/conceited and have low confidence. Sounds contradictory but arrogance is something you have on the outside; thinking you are better than other people, thinking you are a role model or people should be like you. Confidence is an internal thing; knowing that you are amazing and incredible on your own, regardless of what other people think.

    Confidence is attractive and healthy, arrogance is about the biggest turn off in the world for me.
     
  3. Aug 28, 2017 #3

    Tad

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    I have some sympathy with her, as for sure over the years around this community I've seen some FA that have some fairly demeaning beliefs (not usually stated in so many words, but coming down to one or more of "Fat girls are easy" "Fatties are more sexual" (or sometimes "orally fixated"), or "I'm hot, they aren't, they should be grateful for my attention"). I have a suspicion that guys with attitudes like that are more apt to be on the market, either because they are just looking for sex and not a full relationship, or because they wear out their welcome pretty quickly when they do end up in a relationship. So it would not surprise me if people like that form a disproportionate amount of replies that you'd get on a dating app if you advertise that you are bigger.

    For that matter, I agree with her strategy of trying to meet people in real life, where there is less self-selection than with dating apps. And I love that she phrases it 'it you think I'm cute too' which creates the assumption that she feels that she can be seen as cute, with no modifiers on that term.

    But she loses with me with how she seems to dismiss entire chunks of the population. Maybe it isn't intentional, maybe it is just the style of speaking/writing that she's absorbed from others. But I did feel kind of talked down to, which is generally annoying.
     
  4. Aug 28, 2017 #4

    fuelingfire

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    Loopy, that is by far my favorite quote by you, that I can remember. :bow: In all of my relationships with fat women, that is how I felt. Even if my partner was completely down on how she looked. It’s just odd to have a partner say something around the lines of, “I don’t get what you see.” I don’t need a medal as a reward for being a FA.

    She has strong hints of body positivity, mangled with mixed messages. I have a feeling that tone might be more accepted by mainstream media or social media, as it is fairly common. With body positivity, your partner should kind of be irrelevant. It’s not a reason to say don’t settle for a FA.

    The tone of confidence and arrogant wavers back and forth for sure. I went back to Facebook to see the reactions to the story. Every comment either says, they state they are fat, or the get negative reactions to not stating they are fat when they meet in person. Her take on not saying you are fat is interesting. But I feel, from many discussions I have been part of, most fat woman should put it in their profile, even if they are not looking for a FA. It’s really hard to judge from a photo how big a person is.

    She has a video on the same site, for me it was the “related video” on the bottom of the page. At the end of the video, she places billboards in Manhattan that show “attractive” (thin, sorry) guy with her in sexual poses saying things like "fat girls. skinny guys. it happens" I see two sides to this. Part of it is a message don’t settle, but the second is that it is implied she should want a thin guy, a bit of a back hand to BHMs.
     
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  5. Aug 28, 2017 #5

    fuelingfire

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    I think a lot of those types are the same as the guys who just want to have sex, and don’t care much about with who. A lot of thin women also put up with similar comments not relating to being fat.
     
  6. Aug 28, 2017 #6

    BigElectricKat

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    So, if you lost weight for some reason (medical/health, illness, stranded on a desserted island with nothing to eat but fish and berries for 10 months) and you were no longer fat, would you be upset if your loving, adoring FA suddenly didn't want to be with you anymore?
     
  7. Aug 28, 2017 #7

    fuelingfire

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    That is a difficult question. You will find many people have different feelings on it.
     
  8. Aug 28, 2017 #8

    Rawrman

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    Okay, first off this is kinda completely away from the topic at hand here. This is about how some fatter women view FAs in relation to themselves, not how an FA might view a woman in relation to his own wants.

    Secondly, it's also a bit rude in the sense that you're insinuating there wouldn't be anything else that matters in the relationship to the FA other than how fat she is. Which, even if that was the case, isn't a relationship worth having anyway.

    And lastly, your entire point is moot anyway because no, I wouldn't leave her or not want to be with her anymore for something like that.
     
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  9. Aug 28, 2017 #9

    loopytheone

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    The loving, adoring FA himself emerges from the shadows! :p
     
  10. Aug 28, 2017 #10

    BigElectricKat

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    How am I rude? I'm asking a questuion based on the information given. If loopy says that she wouldn't be with someone who isn't an FA (which I concede is her choice) and something happens to where, through no fault of her own (or maybe she just wants a change) and she is no longer considered fat, would that be grounds to end the relationship?

    What if there's a person who is not an FA but totally adores and loves her for who she is rather than what her outer shell looks like? What if they just love the essence of you and think that the world revolves around you and would "ride or die" no matter what? Does it mean that that person doesn't get any conderation just because they don't profess to be FA? Better yet, what if they tell you they are but after sometime in a wonderful relationship, you find they aren't? That they just love YOU?

    Lastly, I take umbrage that you assume it's a moot point. It's just a question based on the statement. I want to learn and asked the question for that purpose. Of course, you, I, and most everybody else would presume that a couple will have more that size as a basis for a relationship. But I wondered if anyone ever had that issue arise. It wasn't an attack, just a question.
     
  11. Aug 28, 2017 #11

    loopytheone

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    The issue is that you are assuming the stuff I highlighted is in some way mutually exclusive with being an FA. That an FA can't totally adore me and love me for who I am and all that stuff. I can absolutely assure you that a person can be an FA and also love and adore me for who I am. Being an FA doesn't mean you are shallow, objectifying or that you only use people for your pleasure.

    I just want a person who is both an FA and madly in love with me.
     
  12. Aug 28, 2017 #12

    BigElectricKat

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    First, I want to say that I am sorry if I offended anyone in any way. That was not my intent at all. I simply was asking a question from the perspective of being outside and looking in. There is no need to be defensive.

    In this medium, it is often hard for the full meaning or intent to be gleaned simply from the written word. By asking this "what if" scenario, I hoped to get some perspective from all of you. I wasn't attempting to demean you or imply that someone, FA or not, couldn't love you for you. I honestly want to know and for anyone who cares to acknowledge, if a person checks all the boxes except for being an FA and the love you madly, deeply, truly, is that a reason to reject or otherwise not pursue a relationship with them? MUST someone be an FA or is that just icing on the cake so to speak? That's really what I'm getting at.

    I thought that this was a place of acceptance and enlightenment. I asking to be both accepted and enlightened but I'm feeling neither.
     
  13. Aug 28, 2017 #13

    Tad

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    Kat: taking one part of a positive post and throwing it back as a negative is generally not going to get you positive responses.

    Man, the (ball team) is having a great season! Those trades they made are really paying off.
    - They traded away all their picks and prospects, don't you think they are going to suck in a couple of years?

    I'm going to have that dessert, it looks amazing!
    - That much sugar is bound to rough on your system, don't you think you'll be happier in a couple of hours if you don't have it.

    Check out my new car, I got a great deal on it because the new model year is coming in.
    - That means that the depreciation just hits faster.

    It may not have been intentional, but you were kind of doing the proverbial looking for the shit lining on the silver cloud. And this is a size acceptance site, doesn't mean that all behavior is accepted.

    Now, I do believe that you didn't set out to offend, that you were not trolling. But it also isn't the first time that you've fallen into this pattern.
     
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  14. Aug 28, 2017 #14

    loopytheone

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    I don't know how your reading what I put, but I'm not being defensive. Mostly as I have nothing to be defensive about. You asked how/why you were coming across as rude and I was trying to answer your question.

    I don't know how to better answer you here because I don't understand what you are asking. If you are asking if I would break up with a person I deeply loved just because they happen to not be an FA then no, of course not. But true, deep love is something that takes time to build and develop and so it isn't a factor in choosing a partner. You don't have a deep, loving relationship with somebody that you've never met/dated etc before. Choosing whether or not to date a person is very different to already being in a strong and loving relationship with them.

    I don't doubt that there are plenty of people out there in the world that could love me very much if given the chance. But in choosing between a person who loves me deeply and accepts my body and a person that loves me deeply and adores my body? I'm always going to for the person that adores my body and I don't see any reason why anybody would want the former when they can have the latter.
     
  15. Aug 28, 2017 #15

    BigElectricKat

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    You answered my question thoroughly. Consider me enlightened. There is a personal reason I asked the question (and not very well I concede). But that's for another time and place. Thanks for your input and again, sorry if I came off as spinning your statement in a negative way. It was not meant to be so.
     
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  16. Aug 29, 2017 #16

    LoveBHMS

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    I'm going to quote the late great Conrad on this one. If your relationship falls apart over something like weight loss, it was going to fall apart anyway.

    And the woman in the article sounds like an arrogant bitch. I wonder if she totally disregards a man's looks when choosing a date. I'm guessing not. She comes off as one of those "I deserve a conventionally attractive man!" types. Which totally disrespects BHM.
     
  17. Aug 29, 2017 #17

    happily_married

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    Great find, FF. I can legitimately see both sides, though I am inclined to agree more with you and Loopy on this one. Nobody is entitled to another's attraction. That she'd be upset that people are is indeed a symptom of arrogance.

    At the same time I can understand why she'd pass on guys whose opening lines are "I like fat girls." No woman wants to be dated because she's a fat girl, rather she likely just wants to be treated like a normal girl. I think this is the writer's point, though it's easy to lose it in all the sanctimony.

    Also, I used to be one of those guys who'd blurt out that I liked fat girls. I thought it would be endearing maybe? (Ok I really don't know what I was thinking!) suffice to say I had to learn to communicate better. It was ok to be honest about what I liked but I found I couldn't and shouldn't be pursuing them BECAUSE of their weight. That made them an object not a person. It was a learning curve but I came out ok.
     
  18. Aug 29, 2017 #18

    waldo

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    Two portions of this article that stand out:

    " But I’m reminded on a daily basis through messages, DMs, and even personal emails that to find me attractive is fetish-based — something I should [FONT=&quot]apparently[/FONT] be grateful for because plus-size bodies are still not considered sexy or good enough to date without creating a red flag. (And if you do find me sexy, you should [FONT=&quot]obviously [/FONT]receive a fucking gold-medal for your wokeness.)"

    " There’s this misconception in online dating that plus women can’t have standards, value, confidence. We can’t just be looking for a date, a hook-up, a side-piece. We don’t deserve a chance, we aren’t good enough, and we should be happy for any attention that we get."

    While she has gone on record as saying she believes fat women's bodies can be sexy (see her other article titled "Plus-size women are still not considered sexy - and that's a problem"), she seems to equate an attraction for those women's bodies as being 'fetish-based'. That is not logical. She needs to accept basic human nature. Some people are attracted to thin, some are attracted to fat. Some are heterosexual, some are homosexual. It is what it is. It’s not about ‘wokeness’ or any other SJW gobbledygook. She seems to have such a low opinion of fat admirers, so she equates accepting attention from us as desperation on a fat woman's part.

    Interestingly at the end of the article she says:
    "It’s the reason I’m not currently on dating sites dedicated to plus-dating and fat-admirers like WooPlus. I know a lot of people that have had success finding what they’re looking for there, but it doesn’t give me the opportunity to change a person’s mind or question their biases."

    So she is more interested in 'changing peoples minds' than finding a nice attractive FA to have a relationship with? I would feel sorry for her, but her disdain for FAs makes that difficult.
     
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  19. Aug 29, 2017 #19

    LoveBHMS

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    As an aside, I also need to say I loathe it when fetishes are disrespected. Having a sexual fetish does not mean you are rude, dishonest, mean, or manipulative. You can be totally vanilla sexually and be all of those things. You can also be a hard core fetishist and be polite, honest, and respectful towards others. Having a fat fetish does not mean you masturbate to amorphous blobs of fat. Maybe it means you'll hook up only with fat women, but so what? Nearly everyone has parameters....they may be about looks, income, education, geography, religion, or political affiliation. It rarely means "I will sleep with anyone that's wealthy/socially liberal/Catholic" but it may mean you won't consider anyone without those qualities.
     
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  20. Aug 29, 2017 #20

    fuelingfire

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    I haven’t used WooPlus or Tinder. But WooPlus is usually referred to as Fat-Tinder. Tinder is more for hooking up than dating. Some people due try to date who they meet on there. A lot of guys admit to swipping right on every profile in the hopes of getting laid (tinder). I haven’t really heard many reviews for WooPlus.

    Of all the online options for dating, regardless of size, if you are not looking for sex first and foremost, that might not be the way to go.
    I think it’s cool she wants to try to get to like a thinner-fat girl, when normally they wouldn’t have been interested. But it sounds like they are tolerating her size.
     

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