article - The Reason I Won't Mention My Size On Dating Apps

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fuelingfire

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Great find, FF. I can legitimately see both sides, though I am inclined to agree more with you and Loopy on this one. Nobody is entitled to another's attraction. That she'd be upset that people are is indeed a symptom of arrogance.

At the same time I can understand why she'd pass on guys whose opening lines are "I like fat girls." No woman wants to be dated because she's a fat girl, rather she likely just wants to be treated like a normal girl. I think this is the writer's point, though it's easy to lose it in all the sanctimony.

Also, I used to be one of those guys who'd blurt out that I liked fat girls. I thought it would be endearing maybe? (Ok I really don't know what I was thinking!) suffice to say I had to learn to communicate better. It was ok to be honest about what I liked but I found I couldn't and shouldn't be pursuing them BECAUSE of their weight. That made them an object not a person. It was a learning curve but I came out ok.
Lol, well I never really blurted it out. While in high school dating jock girls, there were a few times when talking a different fat girls in private where I did mention, “I like fat chicks.” Now my flirting at the time was also not that strong. But the reactions I got were not what I expected. Silence/subject change/shock. When I did finally “come out,” I decided to treat them the same as I did thin women… I know it sounds obvious now. But it wasn’t then. Now it’s, just keep flirting till they ask or reject you.
 

fuelingfire

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As an aside, I also need to say I loathe it when fetishes are disrespected. Having a sexual fetish does not mean you are rude, dishonest, mean, or manipulative. You can be totally vanilla sexually and be all of those things. You can also be a hard core fetishist and be polite, honest, and respectful towards others. Having a fat fetish does not mean you masturbate to amorphous blobs of fat. Maybe it means you'll hook up only with fat women, but so what? Nearly everyone has parameters....they may be about looks, income, education, geography, religion, or political affiliation. It rarely means "I will sleep with anyone that's wealthy/socially liberal/Catholic" but it may mean you won't consider anyone without those qualities.
I fully get what you are saying. As a main stream author, aiming for some sort of size-acceptance article, she did choose a poor way of saying don’t settle.
 

waldo

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As an aside, I also need to say I loathe it when fetishes are disrespected. Having a sexual fetish does not mean you are rude, dishonest, mean, or manipulative. You can be totally vanilla sexually and be all of those things. You can also be a hard core fetishist and be polite, honest, and respectful towards others. Having a fat fetish does not mean you masturbate to amorphous blobs of fat. Maybe it means you'll hook up only with fat women, but so what? Nearly everyone has parameters....they may be about looks, income, education, geography, religion, or political affiliation. It rarely means "I will sleep with anyone that's wealthy/socially liberal/Catholic" but it may mean you won't consider anyone without those qualities.
I don't have a problem with your post BUT it is debatable whether being an FA constitutes a 'fetish'. Fetish is generally defined as "sexual fascination with nonliving objects or highly specific body parts". If a hetero male FA (in general) is attracted to the female form but just 'prefers' all the parts of his partners body to be larger, it does not necessarily fit this definition of fetish. Fat admiration could potentially be categorized as a type of paraphilia, which can be defined as : "Paraphilias are emotional disorders that are defined as sexually arousing fantasies, urges, or behaviors that are recurrent, intense, occur over a period of at least six months, and cause significant distress or interfere with the sufferer’s work, social function, or other important areas of functioning."

HOWEVER, because fat admiration can be lived out with a receptive partner who is able to accept this 'preference' and result in a generally normal relationship, why is it anything other than "sexual variants, which are sexual behaviors that are not typical but are not a part of any illness."?

http://www.medicinenet.com/paraphilia/article.htm

Bottom line: if homosexual relationships are now normalized in our society, why shouldn't FA / fat partner relationships be similarly normalized ??

I haven’t used WooPlus or Tinder. But WooPlus is usually referred to as Fat-Tinder. Tinder is more for hooking up than dating. Some people due try to date who they meet on there. A lot of guys admit to swipping right on every profile in the hopes of getting laid (tinder). I haven’t really heard many reviews for WooPlus.

Of all the online options for dating, regardless of size, if you are not looking for sex first and foremost, that might not be the way to go.
I think it’s cool she wants to try to get to like a thinner-fat girl, when normally they wouldn’t have been interested. But it sounds like they are tolerating her size.
I have to disagree about it being "cool" that she wants to get men to be attracted to a fat woman. To me, this is not much different from trying to get a homosexual man to fall in love with her - doomed to failure! It's like the old square peg/round hole metaphor. As you said very well, most likely they are going to only 'tolerate' her size (maybe hope she loses weight?). Loopy has the right idea here: EVERYONE deserves to have a partner who thinks they are hot stuff.

As for online dating services: I can't speak from personal experience. Having been in a relationship since 1996 (married for 19+ years), I have not used these services, BUT my impression is that they can be very helpful. Regardless of whether one uses a regular online dating service or one more geared toward BBW, there is generally going to be an option to specify one's body type/shape, height, weight, etc. Accurately (honestly) filling out these options can help narrow things down so that the right people are matched up. OF COURSE many other factors must click to make for a successful relationship, but we need to have that physical attraction spark to get things rolling and keep it stoked. Anything else is just a pipedream of deluded individuals.
 

Blockierer

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...
As for online dating services: I can't speak from personal experience. Having been in a relationship since 1996 (married for 19+ years), I have not used these services, BUT my impression is that they can be very helpful. Regardless of whether one uses a regular online dating service or one more geared toward BBW, there is generally going to be an option to specify one's body type/shape, height, weight, etc. Accurately (honestly) filling out these options can help narrow things down so that the right people are matched up. OF COURSE many other factors must click to make for a successful relationship, but we need to have that physical attraction spark to get things rolling and keep it stoked. Anything else is just a pipedream of deluded individuals.
In my experience it's much easier for FAs and for those who are fat to find the right partner online, preferable in a website for FA/BBW (e.g. Dimensions forums, ..). I met my wife online. I placed an ad with full body pic and stated that I wanted a fat woman from 300 lbs to :) . We are in relationship for 14 years now. I'm very proud of me that I was able to realize my dream of having a fat wife. If fat admiration is a fetish then I we both are very happy with this fetish. :happy:
...
Bottom line: if homosexual relationships are now normalized in our society, why shouldn't FA / fat partner relationships be similarly normalized ??
...
This question could be the topic of another tread. But I have serious concerns that the thread will have no contributions.

View attachment fat requiremen 2t.jpg
 
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fuelingfire

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I don't have a problem with your post BUT it is debatable whether being an FA constitutes a 'fetish'. Fetish is generally defined as "sexual fascination with nonliving objects or highly specific body parts". If a hetero male FA (in general) is attracted to the female form but just 'prefers' all the parts of his partners body to be larger, it does not necessarily fit this definition of fetish. Fat admiration could potentially be categorized as a type of paraphilia, which can be defined as : "Paraphilias are emotional disorders that are defined as sexually arousing fantasies, urges, or behaviors that are recurrent, intense, occur over a period of at least six months, and cause significant distress or interfere with the sufferer’s work, social function, or other important areas of functioning."

HOWEVER, because fat admiration can be lived out with a receptive partner who is able to accept this 'preference' and result in a generally normal relationship, why is it anything other than "sexual variants, which are sexual behaviors that are not typical but are not a part of any illness."?

http://www.medicinenet.com/paraphilia/article.htm

Bottom line: if homosexual relationships are now normalized in our society, why shouldn't FA / fat partner relationships be similarly normalized ??



I have to disagree about it being "cool" that she wants to get men to be attracted to a fat woman. To me, this is not much different from trying to get a homosexual man to fall in love with her - doomed to failure! It's like the old square peg/round hole metaphor. As you said very well, most likely they are going to only 'tolerate' her size (maybe hope she loses weight?). Loopy has the right idea here: EVERYONE deserves to have a partner who thinks they are hot stuff.

As for online dating services: I can't speak from personal experience. Having been in a relationship since 1996 (married for 19+ years), I have not used these services, BUT my impression is that they can be very helpful. Regardless of whether one uses a regular online dating service or one more geared toward BBW, there is generally going to be an option to specify one's body type/shape, height, weight, etc. Accurately (honestly) filling out these options can help narrow things down so that the right people are matched up. OF COURSE many other factors must click to make for a successful relationship, but we need to have that physical attraction spark to get things rolling and keep it stoked. Anything else is just a pipedream of deluded individuals.
For clarification: I am pro-fat dating sites. I really like Feabie. The example she used was WooPlus, which is a fat version of the hookup app Tinder. Which leads me to think WooPlus might not be the best way to get into a relationship. Some people (or many, I am not certain) do try to make the jump from hooking up to then dating. She was probably leaning away from Feabie, due to Feabie pushing itself as feeder/feedees first, FAs BBWS (FFAs BHMs) secondly. WooPlus maybe effective, but I am suspicious.

Before using Feabie, I was on Match and OkCupid. I was contacted by a lot of women. What did they have in common, they completely ignored that I stated I wanted a plus-size or fat and fabulous partner, whatever the options were on each site. I would say for every fat woman that would contact me, I would say 20 thin women would send PMs. It is possible that some of these women may have been using picture of when they were thinner, but if so none of them made that distinction to me. A lot of people say online dating is loaded with fat people. That has not been my experience.

To me the big advantage of a fat dating site is that the fat women who join have mostlikely already decided they would like to date a FA. I don’t have do a subtle dance of properly breaking it to whoever I am talking to, after spending time getting to know the person. There is a lot more to a relationship than just having a fat partner, but I want to search a pool of fat people for a partner.
 

StrugglingWriter

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I have a perspective to add from the point of view of my story.

In Something's Gotta Give, I set out to do a weight gain story that brings realism to a fantasy situation--that is, the classic gorgeous Freshman-15 protagonist who gains an unrealistic amount of weight in a short time. Dare I reveal it here, but in trying to bring realism to the scenario I have had to keep a number of devices in mind, but there is one device that is more important than all the others in the story:

Kelly's fat (size, weight, etc.) is one of the characters in the story.

Why? I didn't set out with that idea. But it's the idea that reflects reality. Kelly's fat (weight, size, etc.) affects everything about her life: her relationships, her finances, her direction in life, her friends, where and how she sits, what and where and how she eats, what she wears and how and where she shops, her role at parties and in her job, a ton of things not even broached yet--everything. Kelly even has to relate to her own fat as she grapples with the changes in her body and therefore her life.

This is just the way it is. Look around this site at all the things people say about their weight or weight in general. It runs the gamut of life.

So if someone is looking to date you, whether or not you are fat is a part of the equation. So this woman's idea that she wants to not have to point out her fat? Well, anyone she dates will have to relate to her fat, so whatever she has to do to faithfully represent herself she should do, to a reasonable degree.

I have a lot more to say along these lines, but I thought this idea might be relevant for discussion.
 

StrugglingWriter

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So, if you lost weight for some reason (medical/health, illness, stranded on a desserted island with nothing to eat but fish and berries for 10 months) and you were no longer fat, would you be upset if your loving, adoring FA suddenly didn't want to be with you anymore?
It's a provocative question, as Tad and others have pointed out, but it's also a fantastic one for exploring the boundaries of some of the ideas expressed.
 

Tad

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It's a provocative question, as Tad and others have pointed out, but it's also a fantastic one for exploring the boundaries of some of the ideas expressed.
I guess to me that the question sets up a false equivalence. Perhaps better was if you'd gone on a few dates, then something happened keeping the two of you out of touch for a while during which time you lost a weight, and you made contact again and the FA who had been so eager to get to know you was no longer so interested.

Once a relationship has some substantial history to it, hopefully it no longer depends on any one factor, even one as big as sexual attraction. For a longer term relationship to fall apart just because some of that attractiveness (from one partner's POV) goes away is going to cut deeper because it suggests that all the rest, things you likely thought were real connections and meant something, apparently didn't really matter much.
 

happily_married

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So if someone is looking to date you, whether or not you are fat is a part of the equation. So this woman's idea that she wants to not have to point out her fat? Well, anyone she dates will have to relate to her fat, so whatever she has to do to faithfully represent herself she should do, to a reasonable degree.
You raise a lot of good points but I only partially agree with this conclusion. A fat woman's weight may indeed influence every facet of her life but it may not define her as a person. In this regard I can see why the author of that article just wants to be treated like a normal woman. Her weight is part of who she is, but it isn't WHO she is. When someone approaches her with "I love fat girls!" Or even a less blunt version of that it sends a message they define her differently than she defines herself. It's not surprising she'd reject these guys. While I maintain Loopy's critique about physical attraction is fair, the writer's idea that some men will pass on a person with whom they're otherwise a great fit, and will do so over weight, is a true observation. I can see why that would be frustrating to her and others who are wired like her.
 

LoveBHMS

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But it can't be uncommon to have one or more parameters. If you were super religious you might relate only to those of your faith. Would it be so odd to hear somebody say "I could never sleep with anyone that voted for Trump" or "I grew up with an alcoholic parent, I won't go near anyone that drinks" or "I hate kids so if you're a single parent that's a dealbreaker." The writer seems to have too much self esteem...IOW she wants to bypass men who dislike fat women because she's sure once they get to know her, they'll overlook her size.
 

waldo

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In my experience it's much easier for FAs and for those who are fat to find the right partner online, preferable in a website for FA/BBW (e.g. Dimensions forums, ..). I met my wife online. I placed an ad with full body pic and stated that I wanted a fat woman from 300 lbs to :) . We are in relationship for 14 years now. I'm very proud of me that I was able to realize my dream of having a fat wife. If fat admiration is a fetish then I we both are very happy with this fetish. :happy:

This question could be the topic of another tread. But I have serious concerns that the thread will have no contributions.
Yeah it's a shame that FA 'issues' remain underexplored. But how many times have we seen people even here on Dimensions scoff at the idea that we have much social stigma to overcome and it is just 'in our heads'. That's a great picture of you and your wife! You both look very contented.

For clarification: I am pro-fat dating sites. I really like Feabie. The example she used was WooPlus, which is a fat version of the hookup app Tinder. Which leads me to think WooPlus might not be the best way to get into a relationship. Some people (or many, I am not certain) do try to make the jump from hooking up to then dating. She was probably leaning away from Feabie, due to Feabie pushing itself as feeder/feedees first, FAs BBWS (FFAs BHMs) secondly. WooPlus maybe effective, but I am suspicious.

Before using Feabie, I was on Match and OkCupid. I was contacted by a lot of women. What did they have in common, they completely ignored that I stated I wanted a plus-size or fat and fabulous partner, whatever the options were on each site. I would say for every fat woman that would contact me, I would say 20 thin women would send PMs. It is possible that some of these women may have been using picture of when they were thinner, but if so none of them made that distinction to me. A lot of people say online dating is loaded with fat people. That has not been my experience.

To me the big advantage of a fat dating site is that the fat women who join have mostlikely already decided they would like to date a FA. I don’t have do a subtle dance of properly breaking it to whoever I am talking to, after spending time getting to know the person. There is a lot more to a relationship than just having a fat partner, but I want to search a pool of fat people for a partner.
Very interesting about your experiences with thin women hitting you up on the more mainstream dating services.

I think you have the right mindset when you say "There is a lot more to a relationship than just having a fat partner, but I want to search a pool of fat people for a partner." And like you say, it is best to look in a venue where hopefully the women are more receptive to a man who prefers their body shape.
 

Blockierer

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..Before using Feabie, I was on Match and OkCupid. I was contacted by a lot of women. What did they have in common, they completely ignored that I stated I wanted a plus-size or fat and fabulous partner, whatever the options were on each site. I would say for every fat woman that would contact me, I would say 20 thin women would send PMs. It is possible that some of these women may have been using picture of when they were thinner, but if so none of them made that distinction to me. A lot of people say online dating is loaded with fat people. That has not been my experience.
That's my experience too. My online search for a fat woman started in 2000. I got lots of messages from women that were not really fat. Most of them had less than 200 lbs. So I started to state in all my ads clearly that I wanted a woman in the range of 300 lbs to *smile*. The effect was that I rarely got messages. I confirm what FF wrote, online dating is not loaded with fat people.
It took me 3 years to find the woman of my dreams. I'm definately a lucky guy.
 

Blockierer

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Yeah it's a shame that FA 'issues' remain underexplored. But how many times have we seen people even here on Dimensions scoff at the idea that we have much social stigma to overcome and it is just 'in our heads'. That's a great picture of you and your wife! You both look very contented. ...
Yes, there is a social stigma having a fat partner. For some FAs it takes years to be able to ignore all these prejudices. Unfortunately, some FAs stay in the closet forever.
Thanks for the compliment. I posted this pic because I want to demonstrate that fat love is possible and completely normal.
 

happily_married

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Yes, there is a social stigma having a fat partner. For some FAs it takes years to be able to ignore all these prejudices. Unfortunately, some FAs stay in the closet forever.
Thanks for the compliment. I posted this pic because I want to demonstrate that fat love is possible and completely normal.
Yes, there is definitely a stigma to having a fat partner. In some circles it's elevated if your fat partner is a fat wife! On a fitness forum I frequent a few of the members we're talking about how it's ok and fun to bang a fat chick from time to time. When I mentioned being married to one I lost major credibility with a lot of the members. One even told me, "dude it's okay to f*** fat chicks but you're not supposed to marry them!" It's not a big deal to me though. I've found I actually have come to embrace the stigma, as I've shared elsewhere here on Dims.
Your pic definitely is a good one. There's nothing abnormal at all about living a beautiful woman!
 

Killexia

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When I did online dating, I wouldn't put it out there then met men who said they absolutely don't like BBW. So I would cancel our date and mentioned I'm a BBW, and the guy would thank me for not wasting his time. I began to be very blunt about it and my number of messages received lessened, but I certainly weeded out the undesirables.
 

DragonFly

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I haven't tried online dating yet. I'm somewhat hesitant to attempt it.
It is scary as hell to think about. Every time I think about it I get flashbacks from the show Catfish. I know on my Instagram account I get the scammers constantly. I usually block them and report.
 
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