BHM but not a FA, how to change?

Discussion in 'BHM/FFA' started by Peter_emrys, May 9, 2019.

  1. May 9, 2019 #1

    Peter_emrys

    Peter_emrys

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    So I am a BHM, not by choice, 6'0" 250 lbs, and I am a loser in love. Despite being 25, I have never even been kissed or been on a real date. I want to find a woman I could potentially spend my life with, but the problem is I am not a FA. I have found many types of women physically attractive from petite (my ideal) to noticably overweight, but I've yet to find a woman as obese as me or close to whom I have been physically attracted, even if I know they are great and lovely people. Now I know petite, average, and slightly overweight FFAs exist, but you have to admit they are very much the minority among both women those sizes and FFAs. So the odds of finding a woman like this who ALSO would desire me despite my lack of experience and history of mental health issues AND ALSO be compatible as friends, partners, and lovers are slim to none. (Particularly concerned about being compatible lovers because I am very curious and interested in exploring or trying out aspects of ethical non-monogamy, group sex, and BDSM. Wouldn't say being into that stuff is necessary, but at least would need to be open about experimenting and sharing fantasies and desires without judgement. Also not into feedism or fat fetish.)
    The numbers suggest that the only way I can realistically find a woman to love is if I become a FA or bisizual to increase my dating pool, but I don't know how to do that. I have tried looking at images and porn of BBWs and forcing myself to think "I am so attracted to her" but it hasn't worked, I just feel neutral. Is there anything else I can do to become genuinely attracted to BBWs?
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2019
  2. May 9, 2019 #2

    Shh! Don’t tell!

    Shh! Don’t tell!

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    Let me tell you a story. When I was maybe four, I would get up early every morning to watch Sesame Street. When Cookie Monster came on the screen, I would get very excited, because there was an episode that sometimes played where he would eat a giant cookie. I didn’t know why I liked this so much. I just knew I liked the idea of someone eating a giant cookie. At that age, at four, before I was a sexual being, I would fantasize about people eating and getting fat -the thought was endlessly pleasurable and I could play with scenerios in my head for hours. In my experience preferring fat partners is what happens when a kid who’s wired like that grows up. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember; I wouldn’t be surprised if I was born this way. I certainly didn’t train myself to prefer fat to thin by watching porn. I don’t think you can change yourself to be this way.
     
  3. May 9, 2019 #3

    Peter_emrys

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    Then what can I do, just give up on finding a partner to experience mutual desire?
     
  4. May 9, 2019 #4

    happily_married

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    @Peter_emrys, you can’t force yourself to like something you don’t. You’re also not obligated to like big girls just because you’re a BHM. Without knowing you or the mental health issues you mentioned about yourself, I would offer a good place to start is just being willing to value yourself appropriately. This means not limiting yourself to big girls just because you’re a big guy. If you’re not attracted you’re not attracted. Personality matters and all but if that physical attraction isn’t there to spark it, it’s hard to impossible to force it.

    Don’t feel guilty for that. It’s natural.
     
  5. May 10, 2019 #5

    Peter_emrys

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    I struggle with low self-esteem and depression. It is not severe enough to ever affect my ability to function on a daily basis, but it is almost always present in the back of my mind. And I know I shouldn't feel guilty about not being attracted to big girls. But I also know that dating is a numbers game and just figured the odds of finding a woman close to my age who would be able to look past it and my lack of experience and also be compatible are small enough without looking for that in the unicorn that is the petite or average weight FFA. I'm sure she exists, I just can't envision any realistic way to find her.
     
    Last edited: May 10, 2019
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  6. May 10, 2019 #6

    DragonFly

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    Going out and living life is how you are going to find your one! At 6 foot and 250 pounds, you are well within what is acceptable for men. The world looks at men and women differently! I would suggest trying out the “scene” you think you may be into. There are often conventions, with big exhibit halls and booths. I’ve heard of other people being able to connect in that environment.
     
  7. May 10, 2019 #7

    loopytheone

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    Well if you look around these forums, and the BHM/FFA boards in particular, you'll find that thin/average sized FFAs are probably, if anything, more common than fat ones. Which makes sense, because non-obese people are more common than obese people, and being attracted to fat partners isn't related to your own size at all. Seriously, read the BHM/FFA section in the library and take notice of how many of the FFAs there are thin/average compared to how many are fat too.

    You're not obligated to be attracted to people of every size and I honestly don't understand why you have the idea in your head that fat women are more likely to be compatible with you. I do think it sounds like you are putting too much emphasis/pressure on finding a partner though. Go out and have fun, do fun things, and try not to pressure yourself about it.
     
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  8. May 10, 2019 #8

    happily_married

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    Some great advice, OP. That goes back to valuing yourself too: don’t over emphasize having a partner because you’re attaching too much self worth to that. Also you risk trying to force things if you continue to over emphasize it.

    So you asked how to change and I think instead of grappling with how to change to like something you don’t naturally like, grapple with changing how you value yourself. If I had to guess, that depression you mentioned probably stems in part from a sense of inadequacy because you don’t have the partner you want. It’s great to want a partner, natural even. But you can’t let it be the definitive factor in how you see yourself. Reprogram that and you likely solve more than one personal problem!

    Oh and make no mistake: plenty of smaller women want big guys like you. You do have to be willing to put yourself out there, deal with rejection, and take chances. But even if you’re not looking for opportunity actively always be ready because you never know when it will present itself.
     
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  9. May 10, 2019 #9

    Anjula

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    I know this is gonna sound bitch as fuck but that was the dumbest post I’ve ever read. Literally wtf dude.
    _____

    Firstly, one does not simply become an fa. You’re either attracted to fat or not. For me, and for a lot of people who, excuse me for bluntness, truly get off to fat, it’s like being gay. You can’t do shit about it, your brain and body simply reacts to that. Sure, I can fuck a 200lbs guy but am I gonna enjoy it? Nah.

    Secondly, you’re a 25yo, if you’re not happy with how you look get your ass to the gym. Lose the weight, easy fix.

    Last but not least your weight is not an issue. Your kinks are not an issue. There are woman in all shapes and sizes into all kinds of stuff. Look around, maybe go out once in a while. And maybe talk to some therapist about confidence and social skills. That would benefit you much more than jerking off to stuff that doesn't excite you just to re-wire and find “love”.
     
  10. May 10, 2019 #10

    BigElectricKat

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    Folks here all have great advice for you. I’m not sure if my two cents helps the situation or not but here goes.

    First, I completely understand the emotional need/biological imperative to find companionship. And I also know what it’s like to feel like you are in a desperate battle against the odds to find that ‘perfect fit’. But if all of my years of life experience has taught me anything, it’s that the perfect person for you or anyone else is not out there. There is no one person that will embody each and every character or physical trait you seek. That person just doesn’t exist. What I suggest is that you list 3-5 traits that you must have (deal makers) and 2-3 that you just can’t take (deal breakers). Look for the deal makers in prospective paramours and then work through everything else with them.

    Secondly, there is no law (written or unwritten) that says you MUST like BBWs of any size just because you consider yourself a BHM. That’s like saying that because I’m short, I MUST date short women (I have on rare occasion but the majority have been taller than me). Again, if a woman possesses a few of your preferences (deal makers), you should take the time to get to know her and delve deeper into her personality. Only time and communication will tell if you are truly compatible.

    Lastly, lay off the porn. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. If you’ve never been kissed, never made love to a woman (in reality), and/or never had a relationship as you say, and are very inexperienced, watching porn is not going to help. Watching porn is going to give you the wrong ideas about most women and will undoubtedly make you have unrealistic expectations that no one is going to be able to meet.

    I would suggest that you get out into the real world. Combat your fear and self-doubt. Meet people and get to know them as friends. Stop lamenting your inadequacies and get in the game, dude.

    And stop worrying about “the numbers game”. Yes, the law of averages basically says that the more times you try the more likely you are to one day succeed. But find a mate (soul or otherwise) is not like shooting hoops. It’s more like playing the lottery. And in the lottery you don’t increase your chances of winning the jackpot by buying more tickets (contrary to what just about every lottery player thinks). There’s only one winning combination so only one ticket will win. That’s not to say that you won’t find more than one gal with whom you can start a relationship with, but really if you want the ‘perfect fit’ you will have to hold out for possibly that one person who fits the bill.
     
  11. May 13, 2019 #11

    Peter_emrys

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    Thanks to (most of) you all for replying and trying to help.

    @loopytheone Wait, really? I was always led to believe that the vast majority of women attracted to fat men were also fat. I'll have to look in on that.

    @happily_married I know that is a big root to my depression, I just can't seem to figure out a way to break the cycle. I am depressed because everything I have experienced tells me that practically no woman would want to be with me. The biggest reason hardly any woman would want to be with me is because I am depressed. It just feels like I am stuck and there is no way out.

    @Anjula From the bottom of my heart, fuck you! I figured if there was ONE place on the internet where I could mention my weight and not be shamed with "just lose the weight, you're a young guy so it's easy," it would be here. Well you know what, a few years ago I DID lose the weight. I hated every single second of it because I had to constantly monitor and berate myself to keep from eating anything enjoyable and after every workout I would feel so depressed for hours I was borderline suicidal, but yeah, it was definitely "easy". Got down to 190 and you wanna know something? I STILL LOOKED FAT!!!!!! My measurements did not change, my photos did not change, literally no one who didn't already know I was trying to lose weight and therefore had confirmation bias could tell the difference! I may have not been obese according to BMI at that time but as far as everyone else was concerned I still was because I still looked fat. But I guess I should have just stuck with it because clearly it must have been my fault since it is such an "easy fix", the great Anjula said so. Sincerely, fuck you and the judgmental horse you rode in on!

    @BigElectricKat I know I am not looking for a 'one' but my bare minimum dealmaker, mutual attraction despite all my flaws, already eliminates enough of the population that I might as well be looking for "the one" out of millions. And believe me, I know of the "evils" of porn, and while frankly I think it's overblown, (I mean, it's not like I watch fantasy and then get disappointed that someone doesn't have magical powers) I keep perspective by doing a lot of listening and reading about the sexualities and experiences of "real" women*. It's just a form of entertainment and fantasy for me, not instructions. Except for a couple of educational pornos directed by actual sexologists, but that's besides the point. And I may in theory not have to worry about the numbers game and should just hold out, but in reality, I have a finite amount of time to find someone, especially if I want to find someone to have kids with before we're both too old to do it safely.

    *don't love phrasing it that way since it implies that porn stars are not "real" women with their own personal sexualities when they are not in front of the camera and somewhat even in front of it, but couldn't think of a better way to put it
     
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  12. May 13, 2019 #12

    Erik@

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    Everyone has their own preferences and in my experience you can't really change what you like (when my ex lost a lot of weight, I tried to condition myself to like muscular/fit guys and I just couldn't). Like others were saying there are a all kinds of girls out there who are like bigger guys (I personally like the contrast between myself and a bigger guy). Half the battle is just getting out there since you never know where/when you will find someone. I personally found someone whose 5ft9in and about 250 (a bit small for me) on tinder of all places. Even if a girl isn't a ffa confidence is key (even if you have to fake it until you make it). In terms of experience there are some tips but most of it has to do with chemistry between people.
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2019
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  13. May 13, 2019 #13

    LeoGibson

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    I guess reading comprehension is not your strong suit huh?

    That’s not what Anjula said. She elaborated further down in case you quit reading after that paragraph stuck in your craw.

    It’s not your weight. It’s you. Period. There are women of all shapes and sizes that like bigger guys. If you don’t like you, then fix you. That’s what Anjula was saying. That’s not bad advice either because truth be told you should never count on someone else for your happiness. They should add to your happiness not be the sole reason for it.
     
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  14. May 13, 2019 #14

    Peter_emrys

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    she said,
    How am I supposed to take that except "You have no right to not like your body because you can just choose to not be fat anymore, it's easy!" Throwing in as an afterthought that the weight isn't the real issue doesn't negate her dismissing all my concerns as being up to a deliberate choice to be fat, like everyone else on the internet. And you think I don't know that? I know having a girlfriend won't magically make my depression go away, but it will help me get past the biggest mental block to improving, that I am undesirable and therefore can never find love. Besides, what's the alternative, not want to find love at all, lie to myself and say it doesn't matter to me in the slightest?
     
  15. May 13, 2019 #15

    LeoGibson

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    I’m trying to decide if you’re being willfully ignorant because you just like being a part of outrage culture and playing the victim or if you truly don’t understand the point she was trying to make to you.

    That point was that,

    1. You can’t force yourself to be attracted to someone you’re not.

    2. If you think your body size and shape is holding you back then do something to change that while you’re young and able.

    3. Seek some kind of support or professional help to help you gain confidence and boost your self-esteem so that you can get out there and meet people and try and build a relationship.
     
  16. May 13, 2019 #16

    DragonFly

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    It may be possible in the short term to lose weight. For you, you did it once and made you miserable. I like big guys. I kinds like the furry, I’m a sucker for a great pair of lips and long strong arms that will fit around my supersizes body. That is just the physical part. If my perfect looking guy had no confidence, felt he was unworthy and was depressed, it would never happen between us. I’m of course assuming he is into me.

    My suggestion of checking into the alternative lifestyle community is a serious one. There all types of people at those gatherings. It would be a way to check off some of the less common traits in a partner that you are looking for.

    My next suggestion is for therapy, if you aren’t already seeing a therapist. Having that depression and anxiety following you around all the time is not how life is supposed to be. Medications are also there to help get you this tough spot.

    I can’t think of a bbw that would want to be with someone that had to convince themselves that they like bbws. 25 is young.
     
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  17. May 13, 2019 #17

    Peter_emrys

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    Already on antidepressants. As for therapy, unfortunately my insurance situation is complicated by the fact that my provider uses a very very very small company for out of network mental health, so I have had trouble finding a therapist. Not that thrilled on the idea any way. The last one I went to spent weeks wasting my time going "so how does that make you feel" despite me knowing exactly how I felt and asking for ways to stop feeling that way. Then she ended our last session by saying pretty much exactly what anjula said "if you think the weight is an issue, then just lose it, it's always so easy for a guy your age." So yeah, not eager to go through that again, I hear "just get your ass to the gym, its almost impossible for a guy your age to stay fat" enough on the internet already.

    Also, not quite sure what you are referring to with alternative lifestyle communities. You mean like non-monogamy or BDSM community?
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2019
  18. May 13, 2019 #18

    DragonFly

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    I’ll start at the last question! Yes I’m saying check out on of the conventions they have. You came here for questions about fat, go to the experts about the other things you are interested in considering.

    Not once did I say go to the gym and lose weight. That from your report really did seem to make things worse.

    Sorry you didn’t have the right therapist. That is so hard when the person you see is not understanding of what you need and on top of that very fat phobic.

    I also think you may want to give some thought to your own fat phobia and fat hate towards yourself. Many times here people have given you sound and caring advise. Your assumption that fat on fat is the norm and you blaming your weight on your lack of partnership, a kiss, and depression, is classic fat hate.

    I’ve interacted with many of the people who are taking their time to try and help. They are sincere and giving you their time to help. After reading through your initial post a few times. I have to say you need to accept and embrace your physical self and work on your confidence. Please know it is not your poundage that is not attracting a partner.
     
  19. May 13, 2019 #19

    Peter_emrys

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    Oh no, I know you didn't suggest the gym, I was referring to anjula and leo.

    And I know the fat hate is from the depression, not the other way around, I just feel stuck in this cycle with no way to break out. But logically I know it is the depression that makes me unlovable, not the fat. The weight is just a conveniently placed stick for the depression to beat me with.
     
  20. May 13, 2019 #20

    loopytheone

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    Okay, I was trying to be sensitive but now I'll try blunt.

    Your weight isn't the issue, your attitude is. Nobody wants to be around a person that flies off the handle and gets aggressive and nasty at the slightest thing, like you were with Anjula. She was being blunt and you have a right to be annoyed but to start ranting and raving and swearing at her is a complete overreaction. She was saying it could be a potential option for you, nothing else. You added a lot of 'shaming' and hate to her words that weren't actually there; Anjula is an FFA that is attracted to people much bigger than you. I know you are sensitive and even people mentioning such things hurts, but you need to not lash out and be nasty to other people because of it.

    As far as the depression is concerned, I second everything DragonFly says. Though if you are having difficulty with your emotions - tearfulness, intense anger etc - then you should probably try a different type of antidepressant or a higher dose. It can take a while to find something that works for you.

    ...I actually emphathise a lot with you, I spent a lot of my life that hurt and upset too.

    DragonFly is also right that it sounds like you have a lot of hate towards fat/fat people, even if you don't openly say so. The best advice I can give for that is to try and make friends with other fat people. Show yourself first hand that being fat doesn't mean a person can't be smart, funny, charming, witty, creative etc etc. And as for yourself, liking your body can seem impossible from where you are now but body-neutrality is something you could achieve, with effort, and I think it would really help you. Like, every day, look in the mirror and say something positive about your body, even if the most positive thing you can think of is 'my body allows me to interact with the world' or 'my organs do a good job keeping me alive'. Try and thank your body for what it does for you everyday, even if you feel like you hate it. You know deep down that you are a person and that you have value, just like everybody else, no matter what you look like.

    I also think that an FFA is honestly the last thing you need. You don't seem like you would want to be with somebody that wanted to touch your fat all the time, who got turned on whenever you gained weight. I get the feeling you would resent that and such a relationship wouldn't be healthy for either of you.

    In the theme of being blunt, you assuming that most FFAs are fat is a pretty big warning sign in terms of you having some internalised fat-phobia. I know what the thought process is there: "Fat women have lower standards and are therefor more likely to accept fat men as partners". There's a few problems with that. 1. Fat women don't have lower standards because we aren't any less valuable than thin women. 2. Fat men aren't 'lower standard' than thin men. 3. Accepting a partner who is overweight isn't the same thing as being an FA/FFA. Lots of people out there will date people who are overweight because they like that person and don't care either way about their weight. F/FAs are attracted specifically to fat people because they are fat, if that makes sense.

    But yeah, enough of my rambling. If you need help or advice with the depression, you can always PM me. I've been through enough therapy for it myself to know the techniques, hah.
     

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