BHM but not a FA, how to change?

[JayDanger]

I used to think like you. Any of the dims OG's here might remember me making cringey posts that sound exactly like this one.

Since I dropped that attitude and started actually living life instead of dwelling on myself in my parents basement, I've had an active dating life that's included men and women of all shapes, sizes, and backgrounds. I've been in monogamous and polyamorous relationships. Some of my relationships have been very serious and emotional, some have been very casual and short-term. I've been actively and heavily involved in my local bdsm scene, my local party scene, and the industry I always fantasized about being a part of. I'm not specifically an FA either (though I def. got love for the thick folk) but that's never stopped me or held me back.

You can ask for all the advice in the world, complain to any corner of the internet, spend your life savings on therapy, or cling to the comfort of being miserable and having so confidence, or you could hurry up and drop the shit and have literally everything you want in life. The choice is yours dude. You can keep getting owned by cute girls on obscure internet forums like this, or you can take a page from my book and find yourself smoking weed in a hottub with two alternative models while doing a huge line of K off the ass of a third (or in love or whatever.....it's your dream, not mine).

Sidenote: The gym isn't about losing weight to attract a partner. It's about feeling better and feeling good about yourself for accomplishing something. It also literally changes your hormone balance to help you work through depression caused by excess hormones stored in fat cells. That's why doctors and friends and family recommend it.

 

[LarryTheNoodleGuy]

"depression caused by excess hormones stored in fat cells. "

Interesting, never heard of this. Do you have any pages to link to where experts talk about this? Thanks in advance!

 

[Peter_emrys]

Ah yes, of course, I can just choose to be confident, why didn't I think of that? /s
Seriously, you think I can just decide all of a sudden to think I'm a total Casanova when I have never once experienced what it's like for someone I'm into to be into me?
Also, I know all about what the doctors say about exercise and depression, I get told to do it literally every single time my mental health comes up, even when I didn't ask for their input. And if you read this thread, then you would know that it had the exact opposite effect on me, working out a healthy amount for over a year turbocharged my depression and made me go from frequently down but functioning to regularly suicidal. And I know it was the workouts that caused it because the ideation always started after every single workout, regardless of other factors, and it stopped once I stopped working out.
Also also, I wouldn't qualify being insulted when I was already down on myself "getting owned"

 

[stampy]

@Peter_emrys Your story kind of reminds me of mine, at least some parts, but the conclusions are much different. I am something of a "loser in love" as well. I wondered if it was because I was fat or unattractive or weird, or what, or because of my mental illnesses or physical illnesses, or what in god's name was wrong with me that love never seemed to find me. I also have an interest in BDSM and alternative lifestyles and wondered if that was holding me back.

But none of that stuff is holding me back. I am the thing that has been holding me back. Whatever you look like, whatever body type you have, whatever problems you have in life, there is going to be someone out there who would love to love you. I have been doing all kinds of internal work, including therapy, medications, and self care, for years. I put in a lot of labor to fix myself. And I was still alone, and still lonely.

But just recently, I have fallen head over heals in love with the most sexiest, most charming and adorable partner I could ever hope to find. Spoiler alert: that partner is me. Until someone comes along to love me, I have decided to take thing in my own hands and treat myself like my own beloved. And guess what...I'm having the best sex of my life. #PrayingToOnan #masturbationjoke I still feel lonely and alone and often depressed. These things are part of the human condition. But I am not wandering around anymore wondering what is wrong with me or how I need to change myself to find love. I have found love and all I had to do was give up looking and consider my self worth loving and loveable.

I am enjoying my quarantining, finding new hobbies, and offering the love I would give to a partner to myself. There are a hell of a lot of people in the same situation as me, people most of mainstream society would judge as superior to me in every way, that are single. I second everyone else's advice. Go out more when the pandemic is over. Circulate. Go to therapy. Find a place that does income contingent payments and consider it an investment in yourself, or borrow self help books from the library. Fall in love with yourself. Meet your own sexual needs. Enjoy yourself and your time on earth, whether you are alone or with someone. Learn to treat people with dignity and respect, including yourself.

When I was 24, I had never been kissed or been on a date and I wanted love and sex so badly that I ended up meeting a guy who abused me. My first sexual experience was being non-consensually raped far away from home by a stranger who beat me and held me hostage and it was all because of my stupid choices and thinking I needed love. I am dealing with that trauma still and it has made it even more difficult to try to find love. But I know now never to be so desperate again. Don't be desperate. Stay sexy and don't get murdered.

These are nice people here who tried to help you. It would behoove you to take their advice.

Love yourself and learn to enjoy your alone time. If you can't enjoy being with yourself, you won't enjoy being with anyone else. Take care of yourself in the best ways you can. Spoil yourself with love and pretend for a while that you are worth loving, and you will someday start believing it. If you don't like the life you have, either change your life or the world, or change your thoughts about your life or the world, or do both. It is hard. I have been working on it for years. it doesn't get easier. but it is worth it and it is important.

I mean this all in the most supportive and constructive way possible and hope you take it in the spirit it was intended. It is a great day for a great day so go out and try to have one.