BHM husband wants to undergo WLS and its killing me.

Discussion in 'Fat sexuality' started by Quietpaws, Oct 22, 2019.

  1. Oct 22, 2019 #1

    Quietpaws

    Quietpaws

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    I am currently at a very dark place.

    My husband (375 lbs, 40 yrs) of five years, I (165 lbs, 50 yrs) know him for eight, is considering weight loss surgery at the beginning of 2020. Previously he tried to lose weight by taking tablets and it worked for about a year, but he has gained all back when the appetite blocking effect stopped working.

    This news about the WLS hit me so hard. I completely understand the health reasoning behind all this. My head knows and understand! But, it causes me to be an emotional wreck and I am having an unexpended very hard time dealing with this. The pain I am going through is similar to a break up or the pain it causes when you have to put your beloved pet to sleep. Realizing he will lose all this weight hurts me so much.

    I have made up my mind though. As a good wife, I will support him going forward with this surgery. It is for his better health. I don’t want him to die because of potential health problems coming with the extra weight (blood work looks good, no sign of diabetes). But I already know there will be consequences for our marriage. I have decided to put money aside so I can move out in a few months, when he has recovered from the surgery and he can continue on his own. My other thought was committing suicide. Yes, I have given it a shot. If it wasn’t for this forum I probably would go forward. Thanks to this forum I at least know I am not the only one that likes fat, that it is ok to be like this. I cannot talk about this topic with my family nor friends, no fat acceptance there. So, thank you all for being on this forum and giving me a shoulder to lean on!

    I am hoping there is a support group for fat admirers. I will ask my husband’s doctor when we are going to plan the surgery. I am envisioning the doctor looking at me and asking: “You are what? A fat admirer? Never heard of that. No (laughs), there is no such thing as a support group.”

    Since there may not be a support group for FA for when their partners undergo WLS surgery I am wrecking my brain where to go instead. I have considered going to a pedophile support group to see how they deal with their urges and see if their way of suppressing it can help me too. Or a support group for people that come to realize they are gay but stuck in a heterosexual marriage.

    I am a fat lover, I cannot do without it! Been it all my life since I was 8 years old. Slender or muscular guys don’t turn me on. Just like I am not attracted to the same sex. I love my best girlfriend, but I do not want to engage in a physical relationship. Just like that. I have tried slender guys. Great minded and funny, but when engaged in physical stuff I was always looking for the point where it was over, wishing he was fat.

    As of now, I am wearing a mask. Not showing my husband how sick this situation makes me. He knows it is hard for me but I don’t think he realizes how much it hurts me. I don’t want to tell him that I will walk out after the surgery. How can I survive till then? I want him to be healthy and alive in twenty years.
     
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  2. Oct 22, 2019 #2

    loopytheone

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    Well, I don't really have any advice for your situation, I'm afraid.

    I don't know if support groups as such exist, but there are certainly communities like this one that understand the FA side. There's another lady on this forum going through marital struggles as a result of her FAness, and I'm sure a lot of the guys who like fat women would be able to empathise with your emotions.

    I will say that I am glad you haven't committed suicide and that no matter how bad you think you or the situation are, suicide is never the answer and it hurts the people around you more than you could ever predict.
     
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  3. Oct 22, 2019 #3

    GordoNegro

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    Unfortunately with some couples when there is no longer an attraction/chemistry the love that remains isn't enough to hold things together. With weight gain/loss it's been evident.
    There's no NAAFA around unfortunately. Though at least here you will get sincere answers from an FA etc perspective as opposed to those who were never FA.
    Some folks see WLS as "snip, snip" and its anything but, as it can have complications/lifestyle changes necessary to avoid issues down the line and not a fail safe for some patients as well.
    If you can get your husband to increase his physical activity, that could help stem WLS.
    Years back Doctor's weren't getting paid to do WLS and cosmetic surgery via insurance; so most encouraged diet and exercise.
    I've had doctors outright ask me if I'm interested though it was not why I had been hospitalized as some are seeing $ signs.

    If your husband fears its WLS or nothing, hopefully you can have the chance to coexist until he has recovered enough to be able to move on. Though in some relationships, that's not feasible. I've had an exgf decades back opt for WLS and broke things off with me because she felt I would be a reminder of her (fatty) past.
    Don't feel bad about how you feel, as deep down we all have to be honest and our true selves. There's no shame in how you feel.

    I'm hoping you're venting, but just in case....
    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
    Call 1-800-273-8255

    https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
     
  4. Oct 24, 2019 #4

    knightmare870

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    I'm sorry that you are going through all of this. I understand some of what you're dealing with. My wife is trying to lose weight for her own health and I've been trying to be a good husband about it, however I'm finding it hard at times. Especially when we're being romantic.

    She started off at 145 pounds when we first got together and was able to get up to 255 before deciding to lose weight. It's been hard on us, hard on me because we absolutely love the whole aspect of the feeder/feedee relationship. It's just really hard for me to continue to do that when she's losing weight.

    Admittedly I've also been to the same dark places you've been. So you're not alone. I know how you feel when you say that's a part of your life that you can not let go. I've been there myself since I was 11.

    And I agree, there should be a support group for something like this. We're people who are feeling like we've had a part of our lives taken down, and sometimes need the help to get back up. I believe that suicide is not the answer to this. Your first step in getting better is admitting that you stated into the darkness, but didn't travel down that path.

    We're here for anything. And you are not alone.
     
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  5. Oct 24, 2019 #5

    CherryPi

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    Hi. Your post resonated with me so much I made an account just to reply to it. I have been in a similar position and understand the despair you feel.

    WLS is not a magic fix and comes with a high risk of complications. It can f you up for life and isn't a decision that should be made lightly.

    There are many studies now that show weight loss often doesn't improve health or increase your lifespan. I would suggest looking up HAES (Health At Every Size) and the Facebook page Diets Don't Work, which is excellent and has links to the latest research on fat and health (spoiler alert: fat does not equal unhealthy). If he's concerned about his health, the best thing he could do is to start exercising (a mix of cardio and resistance/weights, also swimming and yoga are good gentle exercise for larger bodies), eat a high quality, varied diet, and (now this is important) look after his mental health and try to improve his self image.

    If I were you, I would sit down and read through the HAES/Diets Don't Work stuff TOGETHER, then draw up a plan to improve his physical and mental health - where feeling good is the main goal, although some weight loss may occur as well (but without the major drawbacks of WLS). I would propose "We follow this plan, together, for 6 months. No checking the scale or measuring or counting calories, just exercising to increase our strength, flexibility and endurance, eating to give our bodies energy and nutrition (but without denying ourselves anything), and focusing on improving our mental health and overall wellbeing. If, at the end of the 6 months, you don't feel markedly better, you can go and get the WLS."

    Myself and my husband have been doing this exact thing this year, after falling into a rut of not exercising and eating poorly and having some health issues (high cholesterol, high blood sugar, high blood pressure) as a result. So our New Year's resolution was to get fit and healthy again. After nearly 10 months of an improved diet and exercising frequently and in a variety of ways, our cholesterol/blood sugar/blood pressure are all back within the normal range, we feel so much better physically and mentally - and we've both gained weight (of course some of that is muscle) and both gone up a size! Yet we're in the best shape of our lives, and our relationship has improved as well because we're doing all these activities together and supporting each other.

    Sorry for the long post, I'm hoping to give you a little ray of hope that, if your husband is willing, you can work together for a healthier and happier future without the unnecessary risks and trauma of WLS. Much love to you.
     
  6. Oct 24, 2019 #6

    AmyJo1976

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    That is a very difficult situation to be in and I feel for you. My man is about the same size as yours and I cringe at the thought of him losing weight. I think you should sit down with him and discuss how you feel before making any rash decisions like leaving. If he reacts negatively to it, you aren't at a loss it seems and if he reacts positively, then it's for the better. Either way I wish you the best :)
     
  7. Oct 24, 2019 #7

    Tad

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    I agree that it is a tough situation. Certainly I second CherryPi and AmyJo in this: communicate, make sure he knows both your concerns and the facts, and see if he will try alternatives first.

    If he is insistent on going ahead with this, is it the weight loss that you don't want to be there for? Or is it more his choosing to go so completely against your wishes? I'm just trying to understand why you feel that you would want to move out before seeing how things go?
     
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  8. Oct 24, 2019 #8

    Tad

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    And CherryPi, welcome and wonderful first post!
     
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  9. Oct 25, 2019 #9

    Colonial Warrior

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    In first place, erase from your mind any thought of gay or pedoiphile. You are not one of those two groups. You are only a woman who feels attracted to fat men. Do not let this society's fat stigma makes you to think wrong of yourself.

    In second place, WLS is not a magic cure. There are more risks than rewards on it. Talk with your husband on your feelings on the subject and also both of you can make some research on alternatives like the fat but fit approach.

    In third place, if you still have thoughs of commiting suicide, just ask for couseling.
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2019
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  10. Oct 25, 2019 #10

    Colonial Warrior

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  11. Oct 25, 2019 #11

    CherryPi

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    Thank you! :)
     
  12. Oct 25, 2019 #12

    loopytheone

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    I agree with everything you've said here, though I'd like to point out that being gay isn't 'wrong' either.
     
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  13. Oct 25, 2019 #13

    Colonial Warrior

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    Thank you for your likes and welcome to this wonderful world of DM forums!
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2019
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  14. Oct 25, 2019 #14

    Colonial Warrior

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    I only wanted to stress that she is not gay for the like fat of men.
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2019
  15. Oct 25, 2019 #15

    Broseph

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    Thanks for posting and for being honest with us about your situation. As others have mentioned, you're not the only one in this situation or some version of it. I've posted elsewhere about my current situation with my girlfriend, so I won't go into details, but the short version is that she is actively trying to lose weight now--and she was (unfortunately) never as big as your husband. I feel like fat is a friend I've always wanted but have never had, so I identify with how deeply this is affecting you.

    I can only echo the comments of others in terms of communication--it may not get you what you want out of the situation, but at least you can walk away (if you choose to) knowing you were honest and didn't hold anything back for anyone else's sake. My experience seems to suggest that when I wear a mask "for others" I make the situation worse because I effectively build a wall. I suffer and no one knows it. Or I think they don't notice it. No one needs me to be strong or perfect for their sake. The whole be-a-martyr-thing because our culture says "if you love someone blah blah blah" can be unhealthy too, if taken to the extreme--especially considering your comment about suicide.

    I don't mention that point lightly--the suicide thing. I haven't tried it, nor do I plan to at this point. But I have definitely thought about it in this context. My girlfriend is not fat (but a little chubby) and some days that gets me really down, especially considering that she's trying to lose that little extra weight. I've thought--man, if a car hit me, that would solve my problems. I'm just a guy on an FA forum, so take anything I say with a huge grain of salt but talking with a professional psychologist can be a life saver. Speaking from personal experience there.

    Good luck and keep us posted.

    B
     
  16. Oct 26, 2019 #16

    Quietpaws

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    Dear all, thank you so much for taking time to comment, especially CherryPi! That is really helping me and means the world to me! I will look into the exercise/food sites you all recommended.
    I have told a good friend what I am going through and she recommended seeing a counselor specialized in a variety of topics that I feel is what I need (sexuality, marriage, self esteem, and much more) and I have already met with her once. Plan is now to find a way to help me through this, to help me through my panic attacks (I really never experienced anything like this before) and how to be happy in my marriage. I told her that I had considered suicide but I am not going forward with it any more, realizing there are better options and some people may miss me.
    The very same day another friend (woman) noticed that I am feeling down and she said that she adored me for whom I am (I do a lot of community service and have helped a lot of people and animals over the past years), which was a good esteem booster for myself that I really needed that day.
    My counselor has not heard of fat admirers before, so I recommended this page to learn more.
     
  17. Oct 26, 2019 #17

    CherryPi

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    Dear Quietpaws, you are very welcome! I'm glad you have some 'real-life' support and are feeling more positive. One thing I forgot to mention: when you've lived your whole life believing that being fat is bad, it can take time to adjust your mindset, so try not to be disheartened if your husband needs a few days, or weeks even, to come round to the idea that WLS/dieting is maybe not the great solution that he thought it was. There's a huge amount of information to take in and he will need time to process it (and you might as well!). It's great that you have a counselor to talk to, and we're all here for you too.
     
  18. Oct 26, 2019 #18

    Ffancy

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    It definitely sounds like you have a lot going on beyond this one issue and I’m glad to hear you’re seeking help and support.

    For what it’s worth, my bf had wls about a decade ago, got down to an only slightly chubby weight, needed an emergency surgery to reverse the procedure, and then slowly gained back almost all the weight he lost. So wls is by no means the silver bullet they market it as. A lot of people don’t lose as dramatically or do but gain back, because they still have the same eating habits as before.

    Is it possible for you to discuss these things frankly with your husband? Tell him you love him and lust after him exactly the way he is, but that you’ll support him in getting more healthy if it means eating moderately and moving more, rather than surgery or caffeine pills? He could certainly improve his fitness while remaining a thick boy - look at powerlifters!
     
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  19. Nov 4, 2019 #19

    lostinadaydream

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    I can understand you very well. I have experienced three very good female friends which all did WLS and I couldn't stand it. It made me very sad for every one of them. They all thought it was like a wonder, but they didin't want to see the following struggles that come along with it.

    And of course, I loved them very much at their highest weight, because I am a fat loving person.

    Now, a fourth friend is about to doing the same. I just wanna cry!
     

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