Boyfriend is loosing weight, I feel less attracted to him :(

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Potatodragon

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So I adore my boyfriend, he's one of the sweetest men you'll ever meet and he treats me with such respect and understanding.
The only issue is I have a somewhat hidden fat fettish, he's a larger guy so I've never had any issues getting aroused, all I had to do was look at him or touch his stomach and I'm there ^^'
But lately he's started going to the gym and is clearly loosing weight, mostly due to pressure from his family. I think he's enjoying it and feeling better for it which makes me happy for him because I love him and want what's best for his happiness. The only problem is I'm slowly loosing interest in sex and just don't find his body appealing as it gets smaller :(
I'm feeling so conflicted :(
 

loopytheone

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I think you already know what the answer is to that. If you are honest and open with your partner about your preferences and any issues that arise from it then perhaps you could work together to improve your sex life. I can tell from the way you write about him that you clearly love, respect and care for him and I think if you explain it to him the way you have here, he will be understanding.
 

collared Princess

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So I adore my boyfriend, he's one of the sweetest men you'll ever meet and he treats me with such respect and understanding.
The only issue is I have a somewhat hidden fat fettish, he's a larger guy so I've never had any issues getting aroused, all I had to do was look at him or touch his stomach and I'm there ^^'
But lately he's started going to the gym and is clearly loosing weight, mostly due to pressure from his family. I think he's enjoying it and feeling better for it which makes me happy for him because I love him and want what's best for his happiness. The only problem is I'm slowly loosing interest in sex and just don't find his body appealing as it gets smaller :(
I'm feeling so conflicted :(

Does he know you like fat men ?
 

squeezablysoft

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I've had this happen, lost interest in a guy when he started to get "in shape". Only crushes, not actual relationships, not sure how I'd handle it if it was. Though I would prefer to date a FA BHM anyway.
 

HereticFA

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So I adore my boyfriend, he's one of the sweetest men you'll ever meet and he treats me with such respect and understanding.
The only issue is I have a somewhat hidden fat fettish, he's a larger guy so I've never had any issues getting aroused, all I had to do was look at him or touch his stomach and I'm there ^^'
But lately he's started going to the gym and is clearly loosing weight, mostly due to pressure from his family. I think he's enjoying it and feeling better for it which makes me happy for him because I love him and want what's best for his happiness. The only problem is I'm slowly loosing interest in sex and just don't find his body appealing as it gets smaller :(
I'm feeling so conflicted :(
You've got hard decisions to make. First off, you really should have been upfront with him about your FFA preferences. It might not have changed the outcome, but it would have been a foundation based on honesty.

That said, all may not be lost. Most fat folks will try renting a thinner body at least once or twice in their lives. Between six months and three years later it goes away and the old one comes back, sometimes even larger. It all boils down to how much you like him and how patient you are.

But no fair trying to influence his rental period of his thinner body by telling him your preferences. That should wait until his pursuit has ended by his own decision process.

And if you do decide you're not that patient and move on, please be more honest with your next S.O. about your preferences. It really is liberating. Just realize that the new S.O. may someday encounter health issues that are best helped by renting a thinner body for as long as they can. It's sometimes something we (F)FA's just have to learn to accept.
 

Tad

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That said, all may not be lost. Most fat folks will try renting a thinner body at least once or twice in their lives. Between six months and three years later it goes away and the old one comes back, sometimes even larger. It all boils down to how much you like him and how patient you are.

But no fair trying to influence his rental period of his thinner body by telling him your preferences. That should wait until his pursuit has ended by his own decision process.
I agree with all that Heretic says, but want to emphasize the part above. There can be all sorts of reasons to lose weight, including but not limited to:
- wanting to know that you CAN
- feeling in control of yourself (especially if life is fairly chaotic this can be powerful)
- wanting to know what it is like
- current group of friends or co-workers
- appearance insecurity, especially if in an image conscious job or expecting to have to go through interviews
- health scares (from general bombardment, something a doctor said, something family went through, etc)
- stress (exercise can help with dealing with stress, stress can limit appetite)
- an actual intention to lose weight and keep it off forever.

Just due to biology, sustaining weight loss is tough. The vast majority of people gain back lost weight (and often more). Psychology plays a role in it too, because often it is the loss part that people needed at the time, and the sustaining doesn't have the same degree of reward. Or else they lose the focus on that and move on to other things.

My suggestions would be:
- be patient
- feel free to fantasize to help tide you over.
- emphasize healthy habits, that are not necessarily weight-loss habits. More vegetables, more cooking from scratch, more whole grains, walking more, not sitting for too long at a time without getting the blood flowing, etc. Help him to think of how he is broadly getting healthier, with the gym and weight loss only being part of the broader changes.
- plan at least one major occasion where he can really appreciate his lower weight (a trip to a resort, a ski trip, big family gathering ....). So that he can feel the reward for his hard work -- yes that could encourage him, but it could also bring a sort of closure to his loss (he did the work, he got to appreciate it in some way). Be supportive leading up/during this event
- after the occasion tell him how proud you are of his hard work, but that you also miss his cuddly tummy -- that of course you think he is very handsome as he is, but that you have always been crazy attracted to him.
- be patient some more, and see how things go.

Until you have done something like that, you just don't know how things will be in the long run.

It is tough, but if he is that good of a match for you outside of the weight arena, it may well be worth it.

Good luck, I know it isn't easy (I've been there).
 

Potatodragon

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Thank you so much for being understanding guys, I really appreciate the support :) I think it has a bit to do with pressure from his family, they're always pointing out how he'd look handsomer if he lost weight. You can tell that hurts him :( We have also been going through a stressful period looking for a home together and he has a new job surrounded by judgemental teenagers :/ so it's likely a combination of all those things?

A while back I found the confidence to tell him I found his stomach attractive :) and I often tell him I miss it ^^' it's still big, but I miss the softness and that bit extra to grab hold of ;) He didn't really understand and kind of brushed it off. Although it does come up every so often when he asks me questions like 'are you a feeder' to which I responded 'not quite, I enjoy feeding you but not in the extreme ways you see on tv' he seemed cool with it?

I love this guy so much :) I want to respect his feelings and above all his happiness and wellbeing will come before my fettish Xxx
 

socrates74

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I see your situation as
A)When you love someone you are (currently) not attracted to, and
B) You are infatuated with your partner for External Reasons
Physical attraction and compatibility are not the same thing. People will offer you reasons for hope and 'everything will be "OK"'. But get ready for your future sexual excuse list. It is most likely coming unless you and him come to a successful conclusion. He gets something out of working out that he likes.
 

Tracii

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What if things were flipped around the other way?
How would you feel if he lost interest in you?
If you truly love him for who he is his lack weight shouldn't matter.
Its his body he can do what makes him feel better just as your body is your body.
You should have been up front about your preferences when you fist got together.
 

jakub

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What if things were flipped around the other way?
How would you feel if he lost interest in you?
Someone lost attraction due to physical changes of partner. I see no connection between this and "How would you feel". It does not make sense, like Apple + 2 = Potato
 

Tracii

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OK jakub say your GF only likes you because you are fat.
You lose weight and she dumps you.
Pretty much says she didn't love you and only wanted you because you were fat.
I think you missed the point I was trying to make.
 

choudhury

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On the original issue: if the OP's BF has always been fat or inclined to be fat, then my advice would be to just ride it out. Something like 95% of diets fail and people regain the weight with interest. Being with a partner who is fat-positive helps too, no doubt.

If his being fat was more an exceptional thing - a deviation from a life of general thinness, caused by whatever, a slowing metabolism, etc. - then there's a higher risk of his staying thin. This is obviously a tougher scenario.

It's quite true that we can't just turn our preferences on and off like a tap. If you're sexually attracted primarily to BHM, that's not going to suddenly change just because your partner lost weight. This has nothing to do with whether you 'really love them.'

To her credit, the OP never talked about dumping the guy. Many people have basically fulfilling relationships with partners who fall significantly short of their sexual ideal. In the worst case scenario, this would be the OP's situation going forward. But my guess is that he'll gain the weight back eventually.
 

ChickletsBBW

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Sadly, I'm going through the opposite. My bf was thin and fit when we first met, we became friends and things evolved from there. He's known from the very beginning that my preference has been thinner guys. Although, I have dated men of various sizes in the past but my preference for the last 12 yrs or so has definitely been thin/ fit guys. Not like guys that hit the gym all the time or who have huge muscles or anything like that...I just seem to prefer a thin/flat stomach. And yes, ironic because I have no thin part on my body and the only thing flat on me would be...oh...nothing? lol

So I guess needless to say is that he's probably gained at least 30-40? lbs in the last 4 yrs and most of it probably in the last year. The worst this is he plays with his "gutt" & he jiggles it all the time, in front of me which is a total turn off :( He's made comments that he's going to get back in shape, blah, blah, blah... but hasn't done anything abt it...not even a beginning attempt.

Pls dont get me wrong, I do love him and I do care abt him and he still has a cute face and still love his pretty blue eyes and I didnt mind the first probably 10-15 lbs but I've noticed probably in the last few months that I feel like I'm just not sexually attracted to his stomach. :( I feel bad abt it and yes I still want sex from him but...its just not the same anymore :(

He still makes comments abt exercising or riding his bike or going running etc... but he'd rather sit in front of his damn computer and play online games all night.

I got a recumbent bike and he finally set it up for me and yes, I've told him he can ride it while I'm still at work and can ride it until I'm ready to get on. (I leave for work by 6:50am and dont usually get home until 7:45 --8:45pm most evenings
I've even offered to do switch offs, like, me ride for a good 5 mins and then he get on for a 5 min set & then switch off. He agreed to it but totally couldn't get him to realize its much easier to exercise when you're doing it with someone instead of alone. So...I do it alone and not as often as I should or could do. Sadly he takes things so personally when you mention something like to him and it really brings down his morale and puts him in a funk for a long while.
.

So, I'm In a dilemma. Any advise, comments for me would be appreciated. Sorry for telling you all my issue abt this in someone else's post.

~Chicklets
 

bigmac

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... Sadly he takes things so personally when you mention something like to him and it really brings down his morale and puts him in a funk for a long while.

...

~Chicklets

This surprises you? You told him you find his body a turn off. What did you expect?

I have some advice for him. Leave as quickly as possible.
 

socrates74

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Lol on the last 3 posts. My diagnosis: Do as I say not as I do. My hope: plus size attraction does not become Slacktivism.
I could be bribed by a BBW into weight loss but she would need to change her dress and make-up for just compensation. Effort for effort. Kink for kink.
---------------------------
Freedom of choice is what you got. Freedom from choice is what you want
 

happily_married

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Sadly, I'm going through the opposite...
People change with time and sometimes adjusting to changes with a partner can be really challenging. You mentioned he gets upset when you bring it up, but it's not unfair of you to share with him (as tactfully as you possibly can) that some of the things that initially attracted you to him have changed and you'd like to know why he isn't as interested in staying in shape as he used to. If his answer is "I just lost interest and would rather play video games" I think you have a valid cause for concern.

This surprises you? You told him you find his body a turn off. What did you expect?

I have some advice for him. Leave as quickly as possible.
To be fair to her, she met and started a relationship with a man who was fit/in shape. Physical attraction is usually the catalyst that starts it all off, and is often one of the few things partners don't take for granted about each other, or at least to the extent they do with other things.

The counter to this is ideally one learns to love the PERSON and not just the BODY. The physical only gets us so far and then we need more substantive elements to keep a relationship going.

The counter to the counter is that if this person's weight gain is a result of loss of interest in fitness, laziness, etc her frustration can be reasonably justified. It's different if he had a medical condition or an injury that made pursuit of fitness related goals harder, but I'm guessing had this been the case she would have said so.

Lol on the last 3 posts. My diagnosis: Do as I say not as I do. My hope: plus size attraction does not become Slacktivism.
I could be bribed by a BBW into weight loss but she would need to change her dress and make-up for just compensation. Effort for effort. Kink for kink.
---------------------------
Freedom of choice is what you got. Freedom from choice is what you want
What a person prefers is entirely independent of what they themselves are. My wife doesn't demand that I train harder in the gym to maintain myself at a level of her liking, but she has made it clear she likes me a certain way and I'd go so far as to say expects I honor that. Now many may consider this hypocritical of her because she's not herself in shape. But does she have to be to want her husband to be in shape? If she told me today "I've decided I want to weigh 400 pounds and I also want you to improve that 6-pack" I'd say "yes, deer" and get to work. Besides, she knows I am personally very driven even without her influence to stay in good shape, so her preferences serve merely as additional motivation for myself.
 

agouderia

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So I guess needless to say is that he's probably gained at least 30-40? lbs in the last 4 yrs and most of it probably in the last year. The worst this is he plays with his "gutt" & he jiggles it all the time, in front of me which is a total turn off :(
We might just send the FFA-rescue squad to your house to save the poor guy. Many FFA's would swoon in delight over a guy who voluntarily and unprompted jiggles his gut.

Now I won't go into all these moral considerations about loving the whole person, accepting their decisions, good relationship go beyond sexual attraction, etc. etc.
Nor that fat people are better people, should be more tolerant and less judgemental (Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't. Negative personal experiences can breed empathy as well as resentment).

Just from a simple "practice what you preach"-fairness approach.
Judging from your picture, you are considerably more overweight thatn 30-40 pounds. Your personal preference aside - but how credible is you trying to badger someone to lose weight and get back in shape?
No one who is unable or unwilling to fulfil whichever standard can rightfully demand that from anybody else.
 

bigmac

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...


To be fair to her, she met and started a relationship with a man who was fit/in shape. ...

...

The counter to the counter is that if this person's weight gain is a result of loss of interest in fitness, laziness, etc her frustration can be reasonably justified. It's different if he had a medical condition or an injury that made pursuit of fitness related goals harder, but I'm guessing had this been the case she would have said so.

...

From experience I know its really hard to stay in shape when you're dating a fat girl. It's unlikely that a fat girl is going to be down with eating the way needed to stay in top shape. Its also unlikely she'll want to participate in a very active lifestyle.
 
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