Can a person stop being attracted bbws and ssbbws?

Dimensions Magazine

Help Support Dimensions Magazine:

svenm2112

I am a ugly man
Joined
Feb 14, 2006
Messages
88
Can a person stop being attracted to bbws and ssbbws. After liking since they were 16. And now he is 53. Over the years. The bbw and ssbbws. Over the years he was put down,laughed at. Made fun. And social media didn't work..And the person has not been on a date in 10 years. And sexual intimate with a lady in 6. Years but been called ugly,toxic white male. He feels too old,angry and has too many physical scars on his body. And ready to give up. Any advice?
 

TubbyTim

Member
Joined
Aug 22, 2021
Messages
11
Location
Chicago
So...say you take a pill that removes your attraction to BBW and SSBBW. Now you are attracted to fit, thin types. Do you think it's them - or you? There are many, many men who are not perfect specimens who do quite well on the dating scene. Who is responsible for the fact that you haven't been on a date in 10 years? Them?
 

ScreamingChicken

WVMountainrear's Husband
Joined
Apr 19, 2006
Messages
2,782
Location
Eastern Panhandle of West Virginia
Having spent some time on the dating scene within the last decade, I found it be just an emotional minefield.

If you are fat and/or are attracted to a fat partner, you either have to show up in the flesh to an event with other like folks or you had the dating sites. Maybe a social site like Dims would work as well ;). They are the paths you best have to at least being honest about what you like and what you are, physically at least. You could get that hurdle out of the way and see if there was a connection there. Theoretically, at least.

The reality is the dating scene , at least within fat centered spaces, is fraught with a lot of emotional insecurities and trust issues. Poor self esteem , less than stellar social skills and people who just act like fools over someone else's body while forgetting that there is more to them than just the flesh play in to things. Add in the factors that you are dating and in your 30's to 50's, you are probably dealing with the added layer of people who are divorced and may not have fully healed from those ordeals.

I am not sure I can offer you any help but I would go with GEF and her advice....simply try to make connections with people as people.
 

BigElectricKat

Moderator
Joined
May 22, 2017
Messages
2,167
Location
Yeah, no.
As a person who is a living testament to the "never give up" mentality, I would caution you about throwing in the towel, as it were. Sure, over the years, I have been sadly depressed and felt unwanted many times. But I can assure you that there is someone out there for you. Like many have said, you have to make a connection with a person FIRST. That means, connecting with their heart, mind, and spirit first and foremost. Their physical appearance doesn't matter if all the other things are not in alignment with your own.

I can also attest to the fact that your age shouldn't be a barrier to dating. I am older than you by some years and found such a delightful person to share my time with. That she happened to be a truly lovely BBW is just coincidence. It wouldn't have mattered what her appearance was, we connected on the levels that mattered most.

If being lonely (or not being lonely) matters to you, I would suggest you get it out of your head that you must have a BBW/SSBBW and just find someone that likes you first (and you like them, of course). I'm not saying to settle for someone that you don't find physically attractive, I'm just saying that maybe you should value other qualities more. Sometimes the greatest treasures come from the most unexpected places.

If I waited around for a six foot tall, pear-shaped volleyball player to come my way, I would truly be a lonely soul. (Wait! there goes one now! Excuse me! Miss! Could I speak with you for a moment?) ;)
 

BigElectricKat

Moderator
Joined
May 22, 2017
Messages
2,167
Location
Yeah, no.
So...say you take a pill that removes your attraction to BBW and SSBBW. Now you are attracted to fit, thin types. Do you think it's them - or you? There are many, many men who are not perfect specimens who do quite well on the dating scene. Who is responsible for the fact that you haven't been on a date in 10 years? Them?
Here, here!
 
Joined
Jan 11, 2021
Messages
331
Location
Manawatu, New Zealand
There is ways to adjust your taste.
First and foremost be the person you are. If you are trying to deny who you are on the inside you will hate the inner pain. It is like trying to chop off a limb. Run with what you have. Outsiders who do not understand you are not apart of who you are.
There is many aspects of attraction that is program inside you. Some are so locked and controversial such as Boy Boy- Boy Girl- Girl Girl. You do not pick you just discover the option given to you. Experiment to find if you have it right but do NOT deny the truth. Attacking your inner truth is attacking you. Accept it.
What aspects of the High Volume Woman do you like?
That she fills your arms or the softness or the her volume or fat laden face
Try a slender lady and if she lacks what enthralls you then you are not going to find happiness in carnal activity. She will never meets your needs. You will never be contented with her. It not her fault It is not your fault. It is a truth for you.
Your partner must tick your boxes and you must be able to meet her needs and desires or the relationship will be miserable.
Your partner does Not need to satisfy outsiders. The more they do not desire the more secure you are that they will not poach her off you. Be aware that someone may try.
If someone is knocking you for your choice show how happy you are. A person who picks on another is not happy themselves.
You are not making a mistake in having a partner that makes you happy and you equally make her content and happy.
With me, no mater how much I druel over a person something like horse riding is a deal breaker, or spends all day a boring golf course. Golfers are not bad people but it something I will not share.
 

Sonic Purity

Grateful
***
Joined
Apr 9, 2006
Messages
421
Location
Pasadena, California, U.S.A.
Can a person stop being attracted to bbws and ssbbws. After liking since they were 16. And now he is 53.Over the years. The bbw and ssbbws. Over the years he was put down,laughed at. Made fun. And social media didn't work..And the person has not been on a date in 10 years. And sexual intimate with a lady in 6.

@svenm2112 Sven, Sven, Sven, Sven, Sven… we meet again.

I feel your pain—truly. I could’ve written most of what you wrote many times over these past months, and almost did. With more words and likely with attempts at humor, but the same thing.

Some of what i write may come across as harsh, but i mean it well and in a constructive way, albeit possibly blunt at times.

I’ve seen at least some of your prior posts here and on Fantasy Feeder, along the same lines. Hopefully you already know that you’re dealing with major depression. They used to call it clinical depression or maybe still do some places. No, i’m not a qualified mental health professional, so technically i’m not allowed to write anything diagnosis-like like that. But i’ve been officially diagnosed with that/those condition(s) more than once by different actual professionals over many decades, and your pattern in many ways matches mine.

If you already know about it, you likely know that there’s no one sure-fire way to deal with it and resolve it. I’m still dealing with mine. There have been many improvements over the decades, but also a lot of dead ends, lost time, and wasted $.

You will need to find your own path, or if you’re already on it like me, keep trying new branches of paths until things work (better). Antidepressant pills kept me from killing myself through an especially difficult span, but of the many, many i was prescribed, all had side effects worse than the small benefit they offered. But you’re not me, and they help many people. Psychotherapy/talk therapy was initially extremely helpful when i first started when first diagnosed, less so over the years, even with a series of ever-better practitioners with differing degrees and skill sets.

Date
My last one was 2001. Thought for sure i had two in 2015, but she assured me “This is Not a date!”. So i don’t know what it is when an SSBBW invites you to her house and invites you to apply massage oil all over her feet and legs for hours then falls asleep on her couch next to you then you fall asleep against her because it’s so freakin’ late and you’re both tired, but there were 2 nights like that in 2015. Only time in my life i’ve ever had the honor of having my hands on a SSBBW beyond some outstanding life-affirming hugs (most of those in 2019).

Sexually Intimate
2008, maybe 2009. Long-time live-together life partner who had no interest but reluctantly let me play with her body for a little while. Last time someone actually liked me in this way was 2001.

So yeah. And ya know what? Somebody else here could easily come along and have larger/longer numbers.
Yes it hurts, and along with a whole lot of other factors where society has rejected and Othered me, i’ve very seriously questioned whether there’s any point living through the various layers and types of pain.

But people tell me: You Never Know. You never know what the future holds—you, me, any of us. It does not have to be bad, even though those of us whose minds tend to run towards depression default to that outcome.

Taking a detour here to address a couple of earlier valuable comments from valuable commenters. Back you your stuff (Sven) further below.

Who is responsible for the fact that you haven't been on a date in 10 years? Them?

I basically agree with you, but writing as someone with a similar struggle to Sven’s, here’s the thing: some of us may lack the socialization skill set for even basic functionality in terms of dating. The term “dating” is nearly mythical to me.

No one owes me Anything, other than being at least minimally civil should they choose to interact with me—same as i owe everyone else. Got it, clear on that.

But is it my (or Sven’s, or anyone’s) fault to not have the skill set?
My family didn’t teach it, it wasn’t taught in school that i know of, and i sure haven’t seen any Dating for People Who Might As Well Be Space Aliens course offerings from the local community college.

Shy introverts such as myself (wouldn’t know about Sven) already struggle with social interactions.

If being lonely (or not being lonely) matters to you, I would suggest you get it out of your head that you must have a BBW/SSBBW and just find someone that likes you first (and you like them, of course). I'm not saying to settle for someone that you don't find physically attractive, I'm just saying that maybe you should value other qualities more. Sometimes the greatest treasures come from the most unexpected places.

Again i agree with the general concept, my brother from another mother, but it really depends what Sven (or whichever person) most wants and needs, in terms of where to focus. If i want someone to talk with, it can be just about anyone with any body type. If i want someone to cuddle and hug, i have found from repeated direct experience that non-fat people don’t do it for me. It’s a disrespectful waste of their time (and mine) for me to try being affectionate with them. I did this years ago, before discovering the fatlovesex realm, thinking i was the only freak on the planet attracted to fat people (women, in my case), and, honestly, not having enough self-esteem to feel that i had much of a choice in the matter of whom could possibly love me.

Years but been called ugly,toxic white male. He feels too old,angry and has too many physical scars on his body. And ready to give up. Any advice?

Ugly
Relative term, not absolute. People see what they want to see.

There was an ad in a trade publication i used to read in the 1980s which had an image of what was supposed to be a universally-beautiful woman (sexist ad: men mostly were in this field at the time). I found her so disturbingly unattractive that i had to cover the ad up to be able to focus on the article(s) on the opposite page(s). It was just an airbrushed head shot, so it wasn’t even a body thing. Tastes vary.

Be what you think is attractive, to the best of your ability.

I would love for my nose to be smaller and a different shape, but not enough to have cosmetic surgery done. I’m gifted with thick, luscious hair. When it was natural white, people treated me poorly: ignored me, called me “old man”, etc. Once i color dyed it, exact same hair length and basically same style, strangers on the street kept stopping and saying, “Love your hair!” and endless variants. I’ve been coloring since November 2019 now, and that still happens.

The point: You Do You. Maximize the way you want to look, with just a very slight sense of what may or may not play well with others—5% or less. 95% or more is how YOU want to present yourself—feels like the Authentic You.

Toxic
There may be some useful information there, if there’s any consensus what people mean by that. Without any additional information, it’s just an insult that doesn't help anyone self-improve.

White
See below under Angry. It’s usually not the skin color itself, but what it often represents in terms of power dynamics, entitlement, privilege, etc.

Too Old
I’ve focused on age-related issues most of my life. Decades ago when i was about to turn 30, that big round number change really, really bothered me. At the time i happened to have a good nerdy friend, with whom i shared utterly candid conversations. I discussed with him how old i seemed. His answer stuck with me to this day, and may be relevant to you:

[Paraphrased] “When you’re energized and happy/upbeat, you come across younger: about 23 [his age at the time]. When you’re sad, downtrodden, and tired, you seem older.”

Few if any of us can be upbeat all the time. I strive to build up that energy when i’m interacting with others, and withdraw into my own world when i just can’t do that.
****
In late 2019 in my early 60s, i was invited to a feedist/fat-positive get-together. How did this possibly happen for a social misfit/recluse such as myself?:

1) It was on Feabie. I strongly dislike participating on that site, but every real-world fatosphere interaction i’ve had over the past decade has been through that site (and they’ve only been around since i think spring 2015).
2) I was geographically desirable. The Feabie system sent out auto-invites to Feabie members within a circle of X miles from the event’s location. I was within that circle and a Feabie member, hence got an invite.

Responded to the person running the event for the limited # of actual slots available with a good potluck offering, got in.

Day of the event: very nervous. I truly thought that i might be turned away at the door or soon after for being too old, or otherwise undesirable as i was in no way an insider who knew others, like most people there. In fact i had fallback plans for other things to do in the area if/when i was rejected.

I was not rejected, despite being the oldest or second-oldest person at the event, with the majority in their 30s then 40s then 20s, and maybe a few 50s. The event was held by some Very Famous people in this community (and on this site and others) everyone reading this would know, which i am mentioning for context to make my point and not name-dropping/boasting.

Not only was i not rejected, i was able to have in-depth conversation with some amazing women (and a couple of guys). Really deep, personal stuff, that many couples don’t even get to for a long time, some ever. This with a model or two everyone here would know, and other women who could easily be SSBBW models, but for whatever reasons aren‘t. One woman in her mid-30s and another just about 40 were very into me.

Me, the perpetual recluse/dating loser, not only was not rejected, these models and could-be models and hosts very much wanted me back at the next event… which would have been summer 2020, and we all know how that went.
****

Angry
I used to feel anger about being loveless and dateless, years ago now. Then i had to come to terms with my sense of entitlement: No one owes me diddly! Love may be a human need, but no one is obligated to give it to me. Or you. Or anyone.

Anger and entitlement will absolutely poison making a loving, caring connection.

My path away from it and for many other life improvements has been cultivating a sense of Gratitude. I’m grateful right now for this community, Dimensions specifically. I’m grateful for everyone involved who keeps this site running.

Can you, Sven, think of things for which you’re grateful? Isn’t it awesome that the Dims members who’ve posted above—kind people all—have taken time out of their lives to reach out and try to help a fellow human being?! This isn’t even my thread and i think it’s wonderful, and i’m grateful!

Gratitude can be difficult for those of us who’ve been steeping ourselves in bitterness for years. What i do is practice, practice, practice. Some days i fail. I let that go, and think of something for which i’m grateful, because if i make an effort, there’s always something for which i’m grateful… even if on a really bad day only that awesome actual suicide information site i found back in April.

Too Many Physical Scars
Know how many surgeries i’ve had?
Neither do i—it’s that many!
I’ve got a plethora of surgery scars all over my abdomen and the side of one thigh.

I have an online friend in Toronto whom i’ve never met and likely never will in-person who has more surgery scars than me, and may have had more surgeries. She’s in her late 20s, has published a section in a very successful book, and reports having mind-blowing sex on a regular basis after years of feeling shame and being unlovable for various reasons (she’s quite slender). She’s had to get over her various shames, and has offered motivational support services related to it (which is why i feel comfortable sharing here: she’s shared all this very publicly).

Some people prolly like scars.

The scars i most readily see are the ones on your psyche. Those can likely be healed, and you can get busy with that on your own any time you’re ready.

Final Thoughts
I do believe i understand why you post what you post: you’re a man of integrity and honesty, and through the lens of your depression, you are representing the truth, honestly. But the depression view may not be the actual truth, and even if it is, there may be other ways to present it.

Consider these 2 different ways i can present facts about myself:
Through the lens of depression:
* I’ve been unemployed this entire millennium so far
* I’m a recluse, who barely interacts with people
* My financial resources are precariously limited
* I have an incurable disease

Through the lens of positivity and gratitude:
* I legitimately haven’t paid a penny in income tax to fund wars and other awful stuff the U.S. federal government does via people for whom i did not vote but got elected anyway and do not represent me
* I’m an author who’s written 14 completed fatlovesex novels, 2 novellas, 4 novelettes, and 2 short stories, with several more epic novels in progress, thanks to my ability to focus via solitude
* I have deep expertise in advanced frugality, making ends meet, and repairing rather than replacing things. Debt-free.
* My ability to work through and around numerous health challenges over the years has impressed medical professionals and laypeople alike

Same facts, different ways of looking at them. And a lot of this is Not Relevant for just getting to know someone. It is not for us to decide what’s important to a prospective intimate interest. If a potential love interest has a specific concern, she’ll ask, directly or indirectly, and likely not right away. First she has to decide if there’s any there there: are you, or i, or whomever worth investing any time in whatsoever?

Instead of telling your potential intimates what you think they want to know about you that you want to warn them about, how about instead sharing what you do have to offer? What, besides loving BBW/SSBBW, excites you? What drives you? What gets you up in the morning? Do you fish? Hunt? Do you like working with tools? Do you make or fix anything? Are you a deep thinker? A movie fan? A music lover? Sports participant or fan? Do you collect anything? Interested in history? Museums? Art?

Have a fresh look around the Dimensions Forums at the various discussion threads in the various categories. Look for one or more things you’re into. There’s a whole lot here! Not finding anything you’re into? Think about all you do that interests you, and what might possibly be of interest to others here, and start a new thread!

Hint: is there anything you do in your life that you find so easy you barely even think about it, but has impressed someone at some time? That’s something to possibly type/talk about.

Everyone who reads your posts on Dims and FF are clear on what you think are your issues. Show us your good stuff. Friends and maybe someday close, good friends and/or lovers are out here.
 
Joined
Feb 26, 2010
Messages
16
Location
,
This is a topic I have given, and am still giving, considerable thought to. It is clear to me that my dating life would be considerably easier if I did not have such a strong preference for BBW’s. I am reminded of a scene in the move “Manhunter” which is the first appearance of the Hannibal Lector character. Lector (played by Brian Cox) is talking to FBI agent Will Graham and he says “We don't invent our natures, they're issued to us with our lungs and pancreas and everything else.” I didn’t choose to be attracted to BBW’s any more than I chose to be attracted to women vs. men or to prefer spicy food over bland food. I don’t think it’s possible to change this preference, and even if I could, would I want to? It is such an innate part of me I can’t really conceive of who I would be without it.
 

TwoSwords

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2017
Messages
649
Location
, Male
...been called ugly,toxic white male. He feels too old,angry and has too many physical scars on his body. And ready to give up. Any advice?

Find happiness and peace within yourself before seeking out others. You are a human being; a rational person of physical and spiritual power, and capable of experiencing what you wish to with the power of your mind and will. Your happiness should never need to depend on the discretion of someone else of questionable judgment. If you want to avoid BBWs and SSBBWs in the future, then do so. If you want to try to make friends with them, do that, but do it because it's what you've chosen to do, as master of your own life and happiness.

I don't think being part of the "popular" crowd will make you any happier than you are already; especially if it's over something that doesn't really resonate with you. Likewise, I don't think giving up feelings of attraction will make you any happier. At least, I know it wouldn't work for me. It's important to remember that no one else is entitled to those feelings of yours. You can share them, or withhold them. That's your decision to make. Claim it. The decisions that others make in response can effect the physical opportunities we have, but they can only make us angry and bitter if we place too much importance on them.
 
Joined
Jan 11, 2021
Messages
331
Location
Manawatu, New Zealand
I remember a scene in the comedy night court when the two girls were the two woman sitting at the bar and a guy comes up behind and says "Now there is a booty that will make this sailor hang up his kit bag and stay in port. The skinny blonde girl swings around with an indignant glance and remark. He swing says back "Shut up bones I was talking to the complete woman."
They are around.
As I said if someone insults the woman you are with because she is not your common shape and size just show how happy you are with her. He is victimising people because he is unhappy.
He will see you have not turned down happiness to be with her but you found happiness that alludes him.
 

Anitra08

Active Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2020
Messages
27
Location
Michigan
Can a person stop being attracted to bbws and ssbbws. After liking since they were 16. And now he is 53. Over the years. The bbw and ssbbws. Over the years he was put down,laughed at. Made fun. And social media didn't work..And the person has not been on a date in 10 years. And sexual intimate with a lady in 6. Years but been called ugly,toxic white male. He feels too old,angry and has too many physical scars on his body. And ready to give up. Any advice?
You should never not have what you like, enjoy, etc. There's someone who will like who you are.
 
Joined
Jan 11, 2021
Messages
331
Location
Manawatu, New Zealand
When I first read this I thought Svnnm2112 was talking about himself in the third person.
Now I am confused.
When somebody is called toxic they creating Dysfunction Relationships. What is the complaint here?
svenm2112 i s not responding to the conversation.
There is a lot of people want to give advice but the question needs verifying.
 
Joined
May 16, 2011
Messages
1,576
Location
New Zealand
It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I'm attracted to fat man. The only way to come to terms with what you like is by living it. I did just that. These days I wouldn't want to be drawn to anything other than fat men. It's so much a part of me that I'm sure that it must be part of my sexual orientation.
 

svenm2112

I am a ugly man
Joined
Feb 14, 2006
Messages
88
You should never not have what you like, enjoy, etc. There's someone who will like who you are.
Nope they find me ugly. So I started just hanging round the rail-yards. And I plan to go Baltimore to see the Ravens
we put up with the behavior on a daily basis. j/s
Oh really so you
When I first read this I thought Svnnm2112 was talking about himself in the third person.
Now I am confused.
When somebody is called toxic they creating Dysfunction Relationships. What is the complaint here?
svenm2112 i s not responding to the conversation.
There is a lot of people want to give advice but the question needs verifying.
I was talking about my experiences which is all the truth. I have a soulful of anger. But I don't have a pity party. I am a loner. Plus I am an ugly man. If I had this attitude when I was 24 25 years old. Instead of 54. I'd be doing a whole lot of jail time. And I in fact I have done jail time. But I have learned from it. I'm going back to art classes. If that has to be a substitute so be it
 

svenm2112

I am a ugly man
Joined
Feb 14, 2006
Messages
88
There, there. And everywhere, everywhere! (can't help it!) :)
Larry you might have all the luck like curvy shrine the Marlow life Ohio BBW Network. But when it comes to me zero. They say toxic white male. Ugly white man. It's time to stop. A man knows when it's time to stop. I don't fit in here anymore. If I stay I will only be in the way. I wasn't accepted my first came out. I don't think I'm accepted now. So I will take my leave. And wish you all guys the luck that you need. Back then I was accepted. I had a purpose. But no more. It's just best for me to go
 

waldo

***
Joined
Dec 19, 2006
Messages
643
Location
Indiana
Can a person stop being attracted to bbws and ssbbws. After liking since they were 16. And now he is 53. Over the years. The bbw and ssbbws. Over the years he was put down,laughed at. Made fun. And social media didn't work..And the person has not been on a date in 10 years. And sexual intimate with a lady in 6. Years but been called ugly,toxic white male. He feels too old,angry and has too many physical scars on his body. And ready to give up. Any advice?

The 'toxic white male' rhetoric may be an issue, but it will quickly be tossed aside by the vast majority of women who really are just looking for a good man. If you are financially secure and not actually physically 'ugly' (and no, you do not need to look like anything special), then there is a whole world of single, 40+ BBW women out there. Although, as Screaming Chicken said, you are more likely than not to encounter women with a whole lot of emotuional baggage from failed past relationships and decades of discrimination. So, it is no cakewalk to find a partner in this paradigm, but far from being some immense hurdle.............
 

Latest posts

Top