Can you love someone you're not attracted to?

Discussion in 'BHM/FFA' started by Sugarkitten7, May 9, 2011.

  1. May 9, 2011 #1

    Sugarkitten7

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    I've asked this question once before on DIMS, and got some really great answers. But now I'm asking this question again.

    I know that everyone is attracted to different things. And there are alot of things that contribute to loving someone. Obviously it's not all about physical appearance, but can you love someone you aren't attracted to sexually/physically?

    I am a FFA, and love a guy who's bigger. My longterm boyfriend, was once a larger guy. But has recently slimmed down. Now, don't get me wrong, I really care for him and we've been together for a several years. But lately, maybe from the lack of lately, I've been glancing at guys who are bigger. I want to slap myself in the face, not that I would even act on it, but what am I doing? I feel shallow and bad about it, sure it's natural for us to think other people are attractive but it just makes me wonder. Can we stay in love with people we're not attracted to? Should it matter at all?

    Other FFA's have you been in love with slimmer men/men you find unattractive? BHM's have you been in love with anyone you found unattractive?
     
  2. May 9, 2011 #2

    Rathkhan

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    I think sexual/physical attraction is an important part to any meaningful and long term relationship. Humans are sexual beings.
     
  3. May 9, 2011 #3

    JulieD

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    I actually am kinda experiencing the same thing from the other side. I am an FFA and have met this amazing BHM, but I'm also a SSBBW and he is not so much a FA. The thing is, is that we click very well. Our personalities, where we are in life, our views on a lot of things...it just feels like we are very compatible on so many levels. He knows that I'm attracted to him, and we joke about "if he were an FA", but he isn't, and I don't feel comfortable with the idea of being sexual involved with someone who doesn't find me attractive, for a few reasons.
    Let's pretend that said BHM gets over my size and realizes that everything else about me is pretty damn kickass, which for the record it is. And let's say I get over my feelings of not being "sexy" enough for him, and the two of us figure out a "common ground" type of bf/gf relationship. The thing is that eventually, (and this happens in all relationships) we will start to grow a little weary of each other. That's when the things we use to think were cute are actually the things that annoy the crap out of us, and those inhibitions start to resurface. Would we be able to get over those feelings again, in order to stay in love, or would we just let those issues eat at us, until it destroys everything, including our amazing friendship? So its hard to say if you can be in love with someone who you are not attracted to. I hope so, but the reality is if so, for how long? And what is the quality of the relationship going to end up? Nobody wants to be in an obliged relationship, or have to fight to hold onto something that doesn't make them or the other person happy, but I guess that can be said with every thing.
    So, to answer your question...yes I do think you can love someone you are not physically attracted to, but I also think you are potentially setting up for someone to end up heartbroken. I think that most girls are more willing to over look and over come "physical appearance" differences then guys are, so if you love him in more ways then his looks...and that love is strong, yes you can love him and move past it. But if one of the main reasons you chose to be with him is because of his size, then its a tough call. It will depend on you and if that's something you can live with...
    You can always try secretly thickening him up again, but if he is thinning down for health reasons, that might not be the best resolution either. I probably confused you more then I helped, sorry...
     
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  4. May 9, 2011 #4

    Tad

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    ETA: warning: incoming wall of text, not overly coherent.
    ETA2: my heart goes out to both of you, good luck getting through your situations with as many hearts as intact as possible.

    I think that there are a few questions being conflated here:
    1) Can you (romantically) love someone you are not physically attracted to, as you asked, but also:
    2) Can you become physically attracted to someone who is not your type, or to whom you were not initially physically attracted?
    3) Can you stay committed and invested enough in a romantic relationship to keep it strong, when you love the person but are not physically attracted to them?

    Obviously a ‘yes’ to the second question will make the first question a lot less urgent, while on the other hand even a ‘yes’ to the first question doesn’t guarantee that you can pull off the third question. I’m pretty sure that in all cases the answer will be ‘some people, in some situations,’ but of course the is true but useless. The interesting part is how many people, in how many situations….or is it apt to happen for you?

    With regards to the second question: very few people at the age of, say, 25, are attracted to senior citizens, and even at the age of 70 most people wouldn’t call people their age to be the physically most attractive….yet there are plenty of couples that age who still have healthy sex lives and greatly enjoy each other’s bodies. So I’d say that in some situations most people are capable of having love make someone physically attractive to them.

    In a different take on it, the first young woman that I really fell for, in my second year of high school, was probably the female in my music class that I noticed the least at the start of the year. Her appearance didn’t really hit any of my hot buttons, nothing about her really caught my eye. Then I ended up getting to know her, and realizing that she was just amazing, and after a few months I was both finding things about her that I’d missed at first, and finding ways to appreciate things about her that at first I’d have said left me cold. That is, I changed what I liked, in order to find her more attractive as well as working harder to find attractors that were there all along (where it would have gone I don’t know—we moved out of the country). Show it doesn’t have to be a matter of gradual changes over decades of loving someone.

    Neither of which means that it WILL happen for any specific person. Just that I’m positive that it can happen at a variety of ages in a variety of circumstances.

    As for the original question, I’m positive that you can love them. I think being able to answer ‘yes’ to the first but ‘no’ to the third is the realm of emotional tragedy. Where you still love them, but you need that physical side to the relationship, and love alone is not enough. I suspect that the third question is a lot harder to answer with a ‘yes’ when you are younger, and biology is demanding more out of the physical relationship. There are, after all, couples who stop having sex as they age, but stay contentedly together for decades afterward, but I’m pretty sure that is associated with reduced sex drive, where it is not such a big deal.

    Anyway, I think answering the third question is something that is extremely individual, and something where it is important to be brutally honest with yourself.
     
  5. May 9, 2011 #5

    Surlysomething

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    Of course you can.

    But you might not want to have sex as much. I think a LOT of marriages are based on this.

    And it's funny (or at least in my experience) that people look more attractive the more you love them or get to know them.
     
  6. May 9, 2011 #6

    The Orange Mage

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    Total agreement, here.

    Though I'd add that, in my limited experience, the lack of attraction will eventually drive a big wedge between a couple, as the unattracted one without fail will slow down the frequency and/or intensity of physical intimacy. (Holy cow, what a tongue-twister!)
     
  7. May 9, 2011 #7

    Ernest Nagel

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    This one is from the Quotes I Wish I'd Never Heard bin in the massive trivia lint trap that is my brain - "Ninety-nine percent of the world's lovers are not with their first choice. That's what makes the jukebox play." ~ Willie Nelson
     
  8. May 9, 2011 #8

    AmazingAmy

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    I agree with this. There's lots of people I've known who haven't been attractive to me on first impressions, or even for a long time after - but the more I got to know them, the more physically attractive they became through how much I liked them as a person. It's happened with people here on Dims.
     
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  9. May 9, 2011 #9

    CarlaSixx

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    I think you can become attracted by learning to love them, but you can't love someone that doesn't float your boat. Even that "over time" stuff eventually becomes physical atraction, so no, I don't believe love without attraction is possible. Settling and pretending because you don't want to be alone: yes, for sure. But bonafide loving despite no turn-on factor? Hell to tha motha-effin no.
     
  10. May 9, 2011 #10

    LillyBBBW

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    I agree. I'm a crass beast I guess because if I don't dig someone that usually doesn't change unless they do. I am not attracted to guys in their 20s but I could kick myself when I see them ten or fifteen years later. Till then I can only love them like a brother or a nephew and I was that way even when I was in my 20s.
     
  11. May 9, 2011 #11

    luvbigfellas

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    I'm not going to comment, Jayme :p

    We have to remember that there does exist different types of love. Think about all the people in your life that you love. Are you sexually attracted to all of them? Of course not.

    However, any sort of long-term romantic/dating/whatever relationship, sex is probably an important factor of said relationship. It helps us stay attracted to that person, that among other things.
     
  12. May 9, 2011 #12

    Surlysomething

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    I totally loved my ex but I wasn't sexually attracted to him for a LONG time.
     
  13. May 10, 2011 #13

    JenFromOC

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    Nooooooooo
     
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  14. May 11, 2011 #14

    WillSpark

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    Using an ambiguous term like "attracted" is a bit iffy. Barring, say, family or friends, who you can love regardless, I'd say you absolutely have to be attracted to someone to love them romantically, though being attracted to someone isn't based entirely on looks, so there's wiggle-room for someone not being perfectly your type physically.
     
  15. May 11, 2011 #15

    Zowie

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    "I love you, you're perfect. Now change."

    It depends. If it's a lack of attraction, which you may not even notice that little fact until you are genuinely attracted to someone else.

    If it's unattraction and he's a horrible chud, well there isn't anything much you can do about that, save for closing your eyes and thinking of England.

    HOWEVER, Chudly McChudderton might know how to hook you, instead of someone visually appealing who might be a boring stiff instead.

    Still, that you're asking this, for the second time, makes me think that it's a bigger deal for you. You don't love this guy passionately, but he's there for you. You're doing the "Well, I don't find him attractive, but that's my only reason for not liking this guy, therefore I cannot break up with him, because therefore I must love him".

    Go bang a fat guy, lady!
     
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  16. May 11, 2011 #16

    CleverBomb

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    The reverse of this question is also important.

    Years ago, I was in a long-distance relationship with a very good looking woman. Seriously, if she'd been so inclined and BBW paysites existed then, she probably would have done quite well at it. However, as I got to knew her, I discovered that she was literally incapable of empathy, which manifested as abusive parenting (among other unpleasantness). After I realized that, she suddenly ceased to be attractive to me.
    Her appearance hadn't changed, just my attitude towards her.

    -Rusty
     
  17. May 11, 2011 #17

    Bearsy

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    My ex sure did
     
  18. May 11, 2011 #18

    Paquito

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    It's not impossible, but I feel that attraction is pretty key to a healthy and long-lasting relationship. While it can work without attraction, it won't have as solid of a foundation as one where you both find each other to be hot shit.
     
  19. May 11, 2011 #19

    Anjula

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  20. May 11, 2011 #20

    The Orange Mage

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    Isn't love without attraction just "the friend zone" anyways?
     

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