Casual sex

Discussion in 'Fat sexuality' started by Unbasher, Jun 8, 2019.

  1. Jun 8, 2019 #1

    Unbasher

    Unbasher

    Unbasher

    On vacation July 5-23 :-)

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2018
    Messages:
    376
    Likes Received:
    536
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Germany
    My coming out as an FFA to my amazing but skinny and unwilling-to-gain-husband has wreaked havoc with my marriage. At the moment we're in an open relationship experiment so I can fulfill my physical needs. He has the same freedom since he loves my body but has some kinks I'm not willing to indulge. However, so far I can't seem to manage my feelings. With the first BHM I met with there were not enough feelings for me to get intimate with him. With the second one there were too many and I'm still getting over the loss.

    I'm wondering: what is your experience or opinion about casual sex? My question goes out to the ladies especially.
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2019
    thespian and Tad like this.
  2. Jun 9, 2019 #2

    Lostonline040

    Lostonline040

    Lostonline040

    Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2019
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    22
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    US
    Im sorry im not a lady but as someone in a 14yr marriage thats had plenty of ups and downs and lots of frank, candid talk i can relate.

    Wifey and i havent taken the plunge but have discussed doing much of what youve tried -- specifically shes asked me if i wanted, or rather felt that i needed, to 'try' being with an SSBBW and like you guys again, there was some discussion of her doing some things i cant do with her aswell.
    The matter has been tabled for now for a few years but as im sure you know these things tend to bubble back up to the surface. For now weve agreed that indulging in those desires isnt worth the potential damage rhat could arise in our marriage or our friendship.

    I sincerely hope you two weather the storm, but i also hope you dont regret in some way coming out to yourself or your partner -- We should all be free to be who we want and need to be. You have the support of the community!
     
    Tad likes this.
  3. Jun 13, 2019 #3

    agouderia

    agouderia

    agouderia

    Library Girl Staff Member Library Mod

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2008
    Messages:
    2,506
    Likes Received:
    462
    Location:
    ,
    How would you exactly define "casual sex"?

    Go for the next stranger to fulfill a passing fancy? A friends with benefits arrangement? Or an affair with no relationship commitment?

    While I'm not a fan of the first option - I have to admit the best sex of my life was a longer term affair I had with a married BHM. He was a colleague of mine, and an excellent womanizer. Apart from working together well on some professional projects it was pure animal attraction, soaked panties and steamy hotel nights with only 3 hours sleep.

    Yet I never ever comtemplated trying to turn the affair into anything more serious or stable - even if he hadn't been married. Because personality-wise and what I expect from a relationship, it never would've worked in daily life.

    Imo opinion it is a reactionary, chauvinist myth that women need romantic feelings to become intimate or have great sex, while men are by nature 105% promiscuous. It definitely is something that still is inherent to the rearing of girls - at least in the sub-text and from social influences - that monogamy is the only way to go. Even though the former reason behind this - unwanted pregnancy - has become more or less obsolete and the social stigma for sexually active women has also become less pervasive.

    Simply look around with an open mind and a sensitized cerebral cortex and hypothalamus while putting your heart on the back burner. See what - and who - works for you - physically and emotionally, not romantically. And just take it from there, with no expectations except to thoroughly, sensually enjoy yourself.
     
  4. Jun 13, 2019 #4

    Unbasher

    Unbasher

    Unbasher

    On vacation July 5-23 :-)

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2018
    Messages:
    376
    Likes Received:
    536
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Germany
    a) “How would you exactly define "casual sex"?”

    Looking for someone specifically for that purpose, e.g. on Feabie, meet beforehand to get to know each other, and if it feels right, jump each other's bones/fat ;) Depending on how it was, I'd meet him on a regular basis. I'd be totally honest that this is about physical release and appreciation but that I love and want to stay with my husband.


    b) “Yet I never ever comtemplated trying to turn the affair into anything more serious or stable - even if he hadn't been married. Because personality-wise and what I expect from a relationship, it never would've worked in daily life.”

    That's the experience I had with the second BHM I met with, the one I had too strong feelings for.



    c) “Imo opinion it is a reactionary, chauvinist myth that women need romantic feelings to become intimate or have great sex, while men are by nature 105% promiscuous.”

    I agree. It's not that I'm struggling with a stigma, I just want to make sure I don't get too invested again and end up hurt, nor do I want to hurt my husband or the to-be-determined BHM.



    “See what - and who - works for you - physically and emotionally, not romantically. And just take it from there, with no expectations except to thoroughly, sensually enjoy yourself.”

    That's what I'm after: physical and emotional but not ROMANTIC pleasure.
     
  5. Jun 17, 2019 #5

    thespian

    thespian

    thespian

    Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2006
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    ,
    Not a lady, but anxiously watching the thread as I'm approaching this from the other side. I'm currently in an open/poly relationship and am finding it terribly difficult to even use the word "casual". I completely get how the majority of women do not seem to be looking for this but the word appears to be anathema to them.

    To the OP I can only say I hope things work out. But the fact that you're talking openly about this is a great step. All the best.
     
  6. Jun 17, 2019 #6

    Unbasher

    Unbasher

    Unbasher

    On vacation July 5-23 :-)

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2018
    Messages:
    376
    Likes Received:
    536
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Germany
    I'm watching this thread just as anxiously, and given the lack of female response, I gladly welcome male feedback, too. How do YOU keep your feelings from getting messed up?

    I agree, "casual" doesn't quite cut it due to the feelings involved everyone needs in order to enjoy the connection, but I decided to use it for lack of a better term.
     
  7. Jun 17, 2019 #7

    thespian

    thespian

    thespian

    Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2006
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    ,
    Yeah, I get it. TBH I can't say I've ever had "casual" sex. I'd certainly be open to try but I'm a tough sell in that community.

    I, too, need to have some kind of basic connection. IMO you don't have attraction without chemistry and that's not just a physical thing for me.

    You're on the right track though with being upfront about intentions. Set limits to what the relationship is knowing full well that it may be renegotiated at some point by either side.

    You can try to reign in your own feelings but that doesn't always work. So I have someone I can talk to openly, honestly, no holds barred. They're as non-judgemental as they can be but they can pull me back if I'm having the feels. Kind of a relationship ref. That can be a friend or even a partner of they're okay with talking in depth about these things.

    And don't be averse to taking a breather to reassess. Sometimes you need distance for perspective.

    It's hard when the heart wants what the heart wants. And sex is a powerful thing. But with the right person to give some objectivity, you can get through it.
     
  8. Jun 17, 2019 #8

    Sonic Purity

    Sonic Purity

    Sonic Purity

    Dimensions Eyeore

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2006
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    40
    Location:
    Pasadena, California, U.S.A.
    For those of us who are easily confused and wistfully witnessing these sorts of activities being discussed here from our isolation cells, what is the distinction between emotional and romantic?

    Thank you in advance.
     
  9. Jun 17, 2019 #9

    Unbasher

    Unbasher

    Unbasher

    On vacation July 5-23 :-)

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2018
    Messages:
    376
    Likes Received:
    536
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Germany
    I want to have that emotional connection that makes sex such a wonderful experience but I don't want to fall in love. I have no idea whether that's possible, though.
     
    thespian and Tad like this.
  10. Jun 17, 2019 #10

    agouderia

    agouderia

    agouderia

    Library Girl Staff Member Library Mod

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2008
    Messages:
    2,506
    Likes Received:
    462
    Location:
    ,
    Emotional refers to your own psyche - how you yourself can handle a situation and your feelings with regard to it.

    Romantic in contrast refers to the feelings towards someone else and your relations with this person. Next to the element of reciprocity it also contains many expectations and socially engrained patterns.
     
  11. Jun 18, 2019 #11

    Dan DeLeon

    Dan DeLeon

    Dan DeLeon

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2019
    Messages:
    82
    Likes Received:
    57
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    Ahhhh, if 'twas truly a myth!

    Always aspired to having casual sex. Never been able to pull it off . . . because my female inamoratas neither could nor would pull it off.

    Were I younger and more virile, I'd definitely employ gals engaged in The World's Oldest Profession. This indomitable, immortal, incurable neurosis of having to plight one's troth and commit oneself to someone just for a few moments of rumpy-pumpy has never appealed to me.

    Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable. -- Philip Dormer Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield
     
  12. Jun 18, 2019 #12

    Emmy

    Emmy

    Emmy

    something witty..

    Joined:
    May 16, 2019
    Messages:
    119
    Likes Received:
    116
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    by chicagoooooo
    i think it makes it easier to fall for someone else that has qualities you like, when youre having trouble with the one you love.
    I do enjoy casual sex but it is just that. A night "fling" with all the flirting and fun maybe once a month. I still get the satisfaction with enough time in between to not become attached [if i choose not to].
    I cant imagine what youre going through :(
    Try the intamacy and cuddling/groping more before and after for the emotional part..instead of just the sex...
    Or have a fun date that doesnt involve too much talking like dancing? Getting that time to connect and laugh but not really getting to know eachother.
    Make sure you remind ur hubby you find him attractive too, just because he's not big doesnt mean he doesnt turn you on in other ways!
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2019
  13. Jun 18, 2019 #13

    Unbasher

    Unbasher

    Unbasher

    On vacation July 5-23 :-)

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2018
    Messages:
    376
    Likes Received:
    536
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Germany
    @Emmy Thank you for your post, it helped me a lot! If I can find a cuddle buddy who is fine with keeping it at that level, it might help me not to get too attached and still give the BHM a lot, namely being physically appreciated.

    As for "Make sure you remind ur hubby you find him attractive too, just because he's not big doesnt mean he doesnt turn you on in other ways!": The thing is, while I do, find him attractive, he can't arouse me sexually, and I have one of those faces that always reflect what its wearer feels. He knows I'm not consumed with lust when I look at him. I feel so bad for him because nobody wants to feel they're not sexually attractive to their partner, but it's like I'm internally blocked WRT intimacy with him. I can't lose myself in the moment and enjoy it. It feels mechanical :/
     
  14. Jun 25, 2019 #14

    Unbasher

    Unbasher

    Unbasher

    On vacation July 5-23 :-)

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2018
    Messages:
    376
    Likes Received:
    536
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Germany
    I found this on Youtube under "How casual sex should work". Wouldn't it be great?

    Good evening female human.
    Good evening male human.
    Do you visit this bar regularly?
    No, I'm from out of town.
    Okay, I find you to be rather sexually appealing. Would you consider coming home with me to copulate?
    That is a kind offer, but unfortunately, I'm currently mating with another male human on a regular basis.
    Ah... This is no problem but I'm afraid I must leave you now as I would like to find a potential sexual partner for this evening.
    No problem at all. Good luck with your genitals.
    Yes, and with yours, good night.


    Good evening female human.
    Good evening male human.
    You strike me as rather aesthetically pleasing. And I like your clothes also.
    Thank you. You are aesthetically pleasing to me, too.
    Excellent. Are you currently engaging in coitus with any other man at this present time?
    No, I am not.
    Exemplary. I enjoy the outdoors, rock music, and I'm not a murderer.
    Ah... I enjoy arts and classical music, and I'm also not a murderer.
    Superb. Evidently we have much in common. Would you like to vacate the premises and engage in sexual contact in one of our respective dwellings?
    Yes, that will be quite acceptable.
    Good. Thank God we didn't have to spend hours of small talk pretending we weren't going to screw, only to end up inevitably screwing several hours from now, which we both intended to happen anyway.
    Yes, thank God. What a stupid world it would be where people had to do that to get laid
    Yes it would be. Anyway let's bone.
     
  15. Jun 25, 2019 #15

    BigElectricKat

    BigElectricKat

    BigElectricKat

    Are you intelligent? Staff Member Global Moderator

    Joined:
    May 22, 2017
    Messages:
    1,199
    Likes Received:
    1,045
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    St Louis Area
    As much as all of this may sound appealing, I think that is virtually impossible to have "casual sex" with someone on a regular or semi-regular basis without becoming emotionally attached. I believe the biochemistry of the act of love-making/having sex/f&@king is design to endear us to people in that way.
    You could try it like the old prostitute rule: no kissing. But then, that would take out much of the fun of sex.
     
  16. Jun 26, 2019 #16

    Dan DeLeon

    Dan DeLeon

    Dan DeLeon

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2019
    Messages:
    82
    Likes Received:
    57
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    Unbasher,

    Color me Impressed that you transcribed the audio of that YouTube video. Bravo!

    As for the content, the robotic, Sci-Fi tone doesn't grab me. But in general, I agree with the concept.
     
  17. Jun 26, 2019 #17

    Unbasher

    Unbasher

    Unbasher

    On vacation July 5-23 :-)

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2018
    Messages:
    376
    Likes Received:
    536
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Germany
    Loath that I am to undo my favorable impression, there is a trick to transcribing YouTube videos fast. Interested...? ;)
     
  18. Jun 26, 2019 #18

    BigElectricKat

    BigElectricKat

    BigElectricKat

    Are you intelligent? Staff Member Global Moderator

    Joined:
    May 22, 2017
    Messages:
    1,199
    Likes Received:
    1,045
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    St Louis Area
    I am surprised that someone of your intellectual acuity doesn't understand the no kissing rule as it applies to prostitution and sex in general. That begs the question: Have you... On second thought, it's moot point. Yet, isn't obvious? Prostitutes, hookers, street walkers, slanterns, and those engaged in that type of profession (is it really a profession?) don't kiss for the very reasons you mentioned.

    And BTW - Men do the same to women they aren't planning to develop a relationship with. Just sayin'.
     
    thespian likes this.
  19. Jun 26, 2019 #19

    thespian

    thespian

    thespian

    Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2006
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    ,
    Guessing that offensive response thankfully got deleted. I was about to post a vitriolic reply and get myself kicked off another board. Thanks, mods.
     
    DragonFly likes this.
  20. Jun 26, 2019 #20

    thespian

    thespian

    thespian

    Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2006
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    ,
    You attribute a number of acts in graphic detail, clearly showing disdain for some, to sex workers and then lump in the hesitancy for lack of intimacy (clearly missing the point) to "Women!".

    I don't know. Kink shaming. Sex worker shaming. And a hint of misogyny.

    What's not to love? *rolls eyes*
     
    DragonFly likes this.

Share This Page