Childless By Choice

[D_A_Bunny]

Unfortunately in this day and age people feel free to ask anyone almost anything. As a woman who wanted children but never became pregnant, I would get this question all the time. My response was always, "I haven't been blessed." Even two years ago when I was in medical rehab people, practically strangers would ask me if I had children. If I said no, they would ask why? Oh, I don't know, just to have a something to talk about with a stranger.

My brother-in-law and his wife decided to not have children. They get the same questions. Her answer to nosy people "People who don't want children, shouldn't have them." That should get the point across.

Geez, how long did we have to fight to get the freedom to do what we want with our own bodies? If someone does not want to have a child, leave them alone.

At this point, my husband and I have come to realize that because we have never had our own children, we get to be the cool aunt and uncle. Not only that we are very close and most of the couples we know that do have children are not as close. It is just human nature to put the kids first in a relationship.

Bridget, I do think that if these are people that you see every day, you are going to need to address the situation somehow. But hopefully once you tell a person, they will get it and back off. If they don't I would just tell them, we have already discussed this and every time you bring it up it makes me wonder why you are doing this.

 

[LoveBHMS]

I think it would be awesome if it were socially accpetable to tell somebody who says "oooh i can't wait to be a mommy that don't worry dear, one day you'll change your mind.

Or even to go up to some harried looking breeder whose kids are running around making a mess of a public place and screaming and breaking things and say "I have to ask you, whyever did you decide to have children?"

My mother who not only has one biological child but a degree in early childhood education and taught for years and ran a preschool/prekindgergarten program in her local school system was once out to eat in a coffee shop. She got her food and coffee and was sitting down reading the newspaper and some little demon spawn was acting up next to her, stomping his feet and yelling at his dad. She didn't want her lunch interupted so she just got up and moved. Apparently the mother got offended that somebody actually was not overjoyed to be seating next to little Damian and walked over to her new seat after she moved and yelled at her "It's so obvious you don't have or LIKE CHILDREN." Now first off, I don't think either of those things is an insult, but this idiot was wrong on both counts. My mom said "Actually, I have and do like them, your was just ruining my lunch so I moved."

 

[LoveBHMS]

I can't seem to keep my bathroom smelling clean with 2 cats. Good luck with 20 lol!

True but you also have two kids. How many kids=how many cats in the cleanliness department. maybe she could manage 10.

 

[cheekyjez]

(I'm not sure if it's OK for me to post here, if not then please delete).

This is something that Teleute and I have discussed a lot. She gets asked when babies are coming often, I never am. While we haven't made a final decision on kids, we are agreed on a few things:
1) Not now
2) She's not bearing them (her uterus, her rules).

My favorite response to "when are you having kids?" is "2020". The odds of them remembering in 11 years time are pretty slim, and until then we have a tactic to shut them up.

 

[fatgirlflyin]

True but you also have two kids. How many kids=how many cats in the cleanliness department. maybe she could manage 10.

LOL I have two kids AND two cats! My kids are pretty clean though and they flush after they use the toilet.

 

[Inhibited]

Sometimes i'm torn, as i get the "oh you will change your mind when you meet the right person", as most of my friends are single parents i envision myself being a single parent and i don't want this for myself, so maybe they are right if i have the support then maybe i would change my mind....

Am not saying anything negative about single parents, i don't want that for myself as i see how hard it is, and i know that most people never plan to be a single parent..

 

[TraciJo67]

I have a lot of friends who are, as they call it, "child-free," and I can respect that. Being someone who is totally for a woman's right to do as she pleases with her reproductive system, I think it's great that a woman knows what she does, and doesn't want. There are enough unwanted children in the world, so let the people who want children have them and the ones who don't want children take steps to prevent having them. Where's the rule that any and every couple has to have kids anyway?

Yes. This.

I've wanted children since I was in my late 20's. I was someone who felt that I'd never desire a child, and did change my mind. However, I know that a lot of people who feel this way never do, and there's not a thing in the world wrong with that.

I think that a lot of people just naturally assume that what THEY want is something that everyone else does (or should) want. It took me a long time to understand the good intentions behind some incredibly nosy or pointed questions directed at my husband and I, as we remained childless into our late 30's. In fact, it wasn't until after I adopted Jegan that I begin to understand in some small way. Everything that the childless by choice crowd has said about the difficulties of raising children, the hard work, the often grueling aspect of caring for them 24/7 is true. But I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. That's just me. I know that someone who wishes to remain childless wouldn't find the same joy in the things that I do. However, I don't think that the nosy parkers of the world are asking to be cruel. I think that they just can't understand the concept of someone not wanting what is, to them, the most important thing in the world. The 'mommy' badge is one that I proudly display, and I now understand why my friends and family wanted it so badly for me (at times, moreso than I did). Having said that, though ... I chose this, and I wanted it. I can absolutely understand why many people do not choose it, do not want it, and still manage to have fulfilling and meaningful lives. Unfortunately, a lot of clueless parents, who are joyful about their precious lil spawn p), can't seem to understand why this isn't a choice for everyone.

 

[tinkerbell]

I'm apart of this group too! My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years, and I think FINALLY people are getting it that we are most likely not having children and have stopped asking. He has never really wanted children, and for a while I really really did. And after I had pre cancerous cells removed from my cervix, my Dr told me that I may have problems getting pg and then have problems keeping a pg. I figured I can be ok with it, or be bitter about it. I dont want to go through a lot of $$ and heartache with fertility treatments, so I had to be ok with it, for my sanity.

And for the most part, I dont like kids. I dont think many of them are cute, and I like my life as it is. I do get twinges every once in a while, and my husband and I recently had a long talk about things that happened in our past, and us having children. And we may try someday, but there are things I want in place first before that even happens. And right now, I like it being just us and the dogs. I like that I can just leave my house whenever I want, and dont have to worry about kids. My kids can be left home alone

But I will say that after saying I'm not having kids for the past 8ish years, people in my family have stopped asking.

 

[TraciJo67]

I like that I can just leave my house whenever I want, and dont have to worry about kids. My kids can be left home alone

I have to admit, I miss that a lot. And we still have many years ahead of us before we can ever just take off at a moment's notice. Right now, I practically have to plan to leave the house just to go buy groceries.

I admire your approach. Unfortunately, I did become bitter and angry, disillusioned, and sometimes couldn't even bring myself to congratulate or feel happy for people who were having children. I wish I could take that part of it back -- the inability to be gracious.

 

[LoveBHMS]

LOL I have two kids AND two cats! My kids are pretty clean though and they flush after they use the toilet.

I've read where cats can be taught to do that.

 

[BothGunsBlazing]

I kind of skimmed the thread so if this was already brought up, I'm sorry. Obviously I can't really y'know, have children in that way, but I am wondering about something.

I've got a friend who is 28 and doesn't have any kids tell me that all her friends she grew up with that now have children have all blown her off in favor of just hanging out with each other. All her friends without children still manage to stick together. Is this something anyone else has found to be the case? I guess she is feeling that because she doesn't have children she is being osterized for it. Like she is a lesser person to them now because she can't relate to the whole being a mother deal therefore they now have NOTHING in common.

I guess I don't really understand that. I know raising a kid is a HUGE deal, but I don't understand why some one would forsake their previous identity completely because of it. Sometimes I see people with screen names/board names like "momof3" or "kylesmom" and I cringe thinking like, is that all there is now? Obviously, there is nothing wrong with being proud of being a mother, but I dunno, it seems incredibly condescending to me to think you're a better person just because you have children compared to some one who doesn't.

Although, I guess I can't judge too much since my mother's email is [email protected]

 

[LillyBBBW]

I want spawn. I want to populate the earth with evil little replicas of myself who propagate my ways clumsily like hybrid goons. Seriously. I do want to have kids. I think it's perfectly fine that people don't though. I know many people who don't want them. It's common in my world.

 

[LoveBHMS]

I think it's more like you just tend to gravitate towards those that have more in common with you. When you're a parent that is going to be a huge part of your life and you probably are going to find you have more in common with other parents the same way people hang out together because they belong to the same football team, book club, church, etc.

Having kids changes your life in a big way, and it's possible if the other person's life hasn't changed that drastically you may both feel you have less in common.

 

[Tooz]

Sometimes I see people with screen names/board names like "momof3" or "kylesmom" and I cringe thinking like, is that all there is now?

This bothers me, too. If people wanna have kids, that's fine, but don't lose yourself.

 

[TallFatSue]

Children bring about huge changes in lifetsyles, plain and simple. My husband & I lost touch with many of our old high school and college friends after they had children, simply because raising a family took so much of their time, energy and money, especially for multiple children. It's perfectly understandable that couples with children and couples without children would tend to form their own groups. Personally Art & I didn't think it a case of one group considering itself better than the other. Although a few did seem to immerse their entire identities in their children, kinda like they were growing up all over again, vicariously.

Now that we're over 50, and their kiddos are grown up and moving out, some of us are getting back in touch with each other. It turned out that some couples in each group did regard it as an "us" and "them" situation. Now that they're becoming empty-nesters, though, it's almost a non-issue, for us anyway. It's also interesting to see some of the moms regaining their own identities. Some really miss having their kids around, and some almost feel like it's a wonderful release. Can't wait to see what happens when they become grandparents, and I mean that in a good way.

With all of our nieces and nephews around, Art & I almost feel like grandparents who skipped the parent stage.

 

[jamie]

My favorite line after telling someone that I am definitely sure that I never want children is..."but you would be a great mommy." I have to bite my tongue hard at this one. I can be a caring person and not have a maternal instinct in any fiber of my make up.

I knew when I was a little girl that I didn't want to become a mother. I loved that there were people in the world who wanted to parent and create, but I have always had family issues and found it difficult to muster up that enthusiasm for continuing the family line. I am forgetful, and selfish with my time, and honestly, pretty lazy a lot - I don't see those as qualities that would be fair to some innocent child. I have a hair trigger impatience response and the idea of my wild child being a hellion is just not appealing. I kept dating people until I found someone who did not expect me to grow out of the "no-baby" stage and found my husband.

 

[LoveBHMS]

My favorite line after telling someone that I am definitely sure that I never want children is..."but you would be a great mommy." I have to bite my tongue hard at this one. I can be a caring person and not have a maternal instinct in any fiber of my make up.

this is to me one of the weirdest lines ever. I mean the mere fact that you might be good at something does not mean that you should do it. I'm sure there are many things you might be good at but that does not mean that you WILL be good at them or that you'd be interested in doing them.

 

[Melian]

Add another name to the Not Having Kids list.

I would almost go as far as to say that my husband and I hate children. Not just "dislike"...."hate." When we got married, we didn't have a pre-nupt or anything, but we did agree that if either of us ever decided that we wanted children, that would be grounds for an immediate divorce.

My main issue (aside from the hatred) is this: I think of all the things I want to do in my life, and see children as a hindrance to most of them. I am an incredibly selfish person, and don't want to waste any of my time and money on screaming, shitting babies - it would probably end in abuse, to tell the truth. So it is in everyone's best interest that I do not reproduce.

Even my mother has accepted this fact, although it took years of me telling her about the abortion I would have if I ever became pregnant.

 

[Tad]

Just to say, nosy & rude people will be nosy & rude people no matter what. The same ones who demand to know when you are having children (and seem offended when you say you won't) will probably tell you everything you are doing wrong as a parent (and seem offended if you aren't grateful) should you ever have kids, not to mention start demanding to know when you are going to have another kid. Example: My wife was recently interogated about when we'd have a second child, and upon her saying that we wouldn't, was told that we needed to have a second child "because the muslims are out-breeding us, we need more christian children." Nosy & rude = nosy & rude.

 

[Tau]

Sometimes I see people with screen names/board names like "momof3" or "kylesmom" and I cringe thinking like, is that all there is now? Obviously, there is nothing wrong with being proud of being a mother, but I dunno, it seems incredibly condescending to me to think you're a better person just because you have children compared to some one who doesn't.

Although, I guess I can't judge too much since my mother's email is [email protected]

I don't have any tots of my own but i helped raise my niece and I totally get how utterly and completely having children changes every single aspect of your life - and i won't lie - its kind of scary. Most of the older women i know are no loger called by their own names, they're all called Masomebody. Its really common in these parts. My gran was called MaLisi - I'm not actually sure what my grandmother's real name was. My aunt is MaTiego, my mom's friend is called MaNtsie. Just to give it some context though - this was a badge of pride for them because for many women i know being a mother is still the highest achievement God can ever bless you with.

I, like Lilly, intend to spawn I also want to adopt several children. I too go googly over a puppies instead of babies, but raising my niece gave me a glimpse into a world i really want to be a part of. That said, people who are rude enough to ask questions about something as intensely personal as the choice to have children or not need to be put in their place. Also, people who think the whole world must just stop for the convenience of their offspring also need to get a clue.