Cocky boyfriend likes to antagonize people. What to do?

Dimensions Magazine

Help Support Dimensions Magazine:

Olga_NYC

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 1, 2008
Messages
74
Location
,
Hello!

I have an issue that I'd like to hear your thoughts on. I think this post ended up sounding a bit funny :D But anyways, I've been with this guy for a few years. When we met, he seemed very shy and mellow. I thought he was adorable :wubu:

But I eventually realized that he can be very cocky, which is a huge pet-peeve of mine. He can be a smartass and I swear it's like he's waiting for me to say something (usually something trivial) just to argue against it or bring up a reason why I could have done a better job. As I said, it's a HUGE pet-peeve for me so I tend to become irritated when it happens.

Examples

Me: Oh, I finally decided to buy my mom that outfit. I picked it up at Macy's today. She was very happy with it :)
Him: You shouldn't have bought it at Macy's. There are better deals on Overstock.
Me: Actually, no. I checked and it's not found online. But that wasn't the point.

Me: Listen to this song [link]. I used to love it when I was younger :)
Him: Don't go on YouTube for music. You can download that for free at MP3Place.
Me: Right. I'm not interested in downloading it, though. The point was to show it to you.

Me: You have to watch this. This comedian is so funny :)
Him: Not impressive. He's joking about other people.
Me: No shit. Don't all (or at least most) comedians do that?

Do I really need to deal with random curt, cocky comments? It really kills the romance for me :rolleyes:

Me: Be right back, I'm feeding the dog my left-over lunch.
Him: No. Keep the chicken and feed it to him next week.
Me: That won't work. My dad's birthday is tomorrow. I need the space for his cake. Is there a reason you feel so strongly about this chicken? It's not like I asked what I should do with it. I just said "be right back!"

Do I really need to defend what I plant to do with my left-over lunch? :( LOL

Now if anyone is thinking that I'm just butt-hurt because he's smart, you're wrong. Sometimes his come-backs are plain impractical or he doesn't know what he's talking about...

Me: I've decided to continue my Social Work studies.
Him: No. You should study to be an Au-Pair .
Me: Um do you know what "au pair" means? It's basically a babysitter and there's nothing wrong with that line of work, I used to babysit, but it's not something you study for. What is the problem you see with Social Work? Is there any?

There is also the exasperated tone while watching me do things: "Don't put the trash under the sink" or "No, don't lock the door with the chain" (Hello? it's my apartment. Why are you telling me how to lock the door?!? LOL)

Now I am all for him speaking his mind but I'm starting to be bothered by his incessant challenges of everything I say. I don't think he's dumb, but I'm not either. If I do something, there's usually a darn good reason for it so I find it disrespectful for him to challenge my competence/judgment when he's not really invited to. When I want his guidance, I'll ask for it. He's not my dad, I'm actually a couple of years his senior LOL

By the way, I don't do the same thing to him. If he said "I decided to paint my car like a ladybug" I would say "ok, if you like ladybugs hun."

I'm not the type of person who gets competitive unless my buttons are being pushed. I really wanna stress that. I never bullied or even teased anyone. My motto is "live and let live" but ... I have been known as the person who hit a bully who wouldn't stop teasing me so I do have a short fuse for other people bothering me repeatedly, even if I never initiate an altercation. That's why I fear for this relationship :doh:

Thanks for reading and hopefully I'll get some advice. I wanna have a talk with him before our relationship suffers.

P.S: I am genderqueer so by no means do I blame his gender for this. He could well be a girl and do the same thing. I just want to know what people think should be done :)
 

CastingPearls

Go Big Or Go Home
In Remembrance
Joined
Apr 11, 2010
Messages
15,157
Location
,
It has nothing to do with his gender.

None of this is your fault. Even when he might say YOU YOU YOU, it has nothing to do with YOU. It's a projection of his own poor self-worth which is often disguised as a type of narcissism. People like this tend to demonize anyone who loves/cares for them, because whether consciously or unconsciously, they can't accept that they're lovable (no matter what they actually say) so they think there's something wrong with you and there isn't anything more wrong with you than there is with the average person. Don't make his problem yours. You can't fix what you didn't break.

It has to do with his having to put you down and/or control you and your actions (subjugate you) in order to make himself feel superior. It's because in spite of whatever appears on the surface or is coming out of his mouth, he has very poor self-confidence and temporarily and habitually uses subtle emotional abuse (it is, by the way) to build himself up by tearing you down, because he feels inferior and unworthy.

Oh and telling him how much you care, how much you believe in him and how wonderful and intelligent he may be doesn't work. He has to believe it himself. He could probably benefit from some therapy but most people who do never think they do.

Good luck.
 

KHayes666

Go away
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
8,313
Location
,
This guy sounds like the kind of yuppie puke I hated back when I was in high school. What has he done to get so cocky? I don't see him winning nobel prizes or medals of valor. The next time he wants to patronize you, just do the same to him.
 

Zoom

Rogue
Joined
Sep 30, 2005
Messages
1,692
Location
,
Wait... you're asking for advice on what to do, about a guy who... gives advice on what to do?
 

Blackhawk2293

Still tired of life
Joined
Nov 1, 2007
Messages
658
Location
,
I've encountered these types of people before as well, some I'm related to, others I've dated, others were imposed on me through work or school or whatever.

I agree with CastingPearls here, none of this is your fault. He's the one with the problem, but his type of person will not seek help for it because they don't believe that they need it. Trying to do things to boost their self confidence like telling them how wonderful they are etc won't actually help him. It'll end up feeding his desire to tear you down even more and eventually blow back on you.

Perhaps try fighting fire with fire and use his own insecurities to really put him in his place. Considering how long you've been with this guy, I imagine you would have figured out a few of his weak points by now.
 

Dr. Feelgood

intellectual nerd
Joined
Dec 20, 2006
Messages
4,661
Location
,
Perhaps try fighting fire with fire and use his own insecurities to really put him in his place. Considering how long you've been with this guy, I imagine you would have figured out a few of his weak points by now.
Ouch! This doesn't sound like it would heal the relationship. Wouldn't it be easier on both parties if she just walked? Maybe he could find someone dependent enough to appreciate his attempts to control.
 

Blackhawk2293

Still tired of life
Joined
Nov 1, 2007
Messages
658
Location
,
Ouch! This doesn't sound like it would heal the relationship. Wouldn't it be easier on both parties if she just walked? Maybe he could find someone dependent enough to appreciate his attempts to control.
Dependent enough to appreciate his control? You want to inflict this asshole on someone else?

Ok so my suggestion sounded more ruthless than I thought. Sure walking out is an option... but not before that guy has been given a painful lesson in empathy. Maybe I'm just a bit bloodthirsty because I've dealt with too many of these types in my life.

Ah well, that's the beauty of forums. We all blurt out what we think and the OP can choose which is good advice, which is funny, which is bad, which is downright nasty, and which they are going to follow etc.
 

Marlayna

Well-Known Member
Joined
Oct 31, 2011
Messages
1,277
Location
,
The poor guy has a personality disorder, and was probably treated this way growing up and it warped him. It is something you either have to accept, or not.
Accepting it means you have to turn a deaf ear to some of the stupider suggestions. He probably couldn't stop this behavior if he tried.
Go to the self-help section and get him a book about know-it-alls, maybe he'll see himself, and get some insight.
 

WhiteHotRazor

Time Travelling
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
1,134
Location
,
Have you tried talking to him about this? Maybe he's just trying to help but is coming off completly wrong by being annoying and pedantic.

Also, am I the only one that laughed at the "no, keep the chicken" line? haha
 

Latest posts

Group builder
Top