Coming out of the closet

Discussion in 'Fat Intimacy' started by roddles, Sep 3, 2016.

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  1. Sep 14, 2016 #41

    Jack Secret

    Jack Secret

    Jack Secret

    tickle my amygdala

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    Dims Is not necessarily a place where you're going to hear what you want to hear. You can expect honest opinions and in a lot of these cases said opinions are not going to jive with whatever your hoping. That's one of the beautiful things about this place.
     
  2. Sep 15, 2016 #42

    Cors

    Cors

    Cors

    Delurking

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    It sucks that people gave you a hard time for your preference, but with all due respect you are not the one who is *in* the fat body. FA shaming is really a part of fat shaming.

    Have you tried to get any help for your wife's abusive behaviour and your unhappy marriage?

    What would you want your son-in-law to do if he was in your shoes?
     
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  3. Sep 18, 2016 #43

    roddles

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    I expect to cop flack for wanting to leave my wife and kids. This is about soo much more than being an FA which is why I didn't post there. Yes I am not respected by many people on here, I have often vented my frustrations on these boards. But living a double life and suppressing my desires has finally made me crack at the false seams I stitched myself together with. My exes sister is the only girl I have ever wanted to come out if the closet for. And I would, but it wasn't that simple. And even less now of course. We dated for 6 months 7 years ago, I had never felt more liberated in my life and free. I never saw any other girl as worth coming out with my secret, found hitting a quitting a satisfactory cure for my fa lust. I did have a few serious relation ships in by compromising fat for curvy in order to try and at least downsize my fa addiction if not become "normal" but the longest one lasted 2 years with my ex, older sister of the girl concerned. She had many things I looked for in a partner, such as spence of humour, quirkiness and spontaneous. She was fun, she was a bit bigger than curvy I had no problem admitting I was attracted to her, but what eventually drove me to leave her was her volatile personality, and her laziness worst of all. Now when I started dating the younger but much fatter sister, which was only a bonus mind you, I was so happy. She was everything I wanted. She had all the good attributes of the older sister, but none of the bad ones. She was the sweetest kindest person, and admired my eccentricity as she was eccentric too. We used to go antique shopping and visit art galleries, and on coffee dates. Some of my best memories. We laughed about things that no one else found funny and did spontaneous things where most other people found boring. I had met my soulmate. I was in love. But it suddenly all ended when her family and the older sister found out and made her life really hard. I will admit I did have reservations about coming out to my family at this time, so between these two conflicts I decided to call it off. Something I have lived to regret. Now she is not a vindictive prison and while it did break her heart, she never held it against me. We stayed friends, but bring do attracted to each other, I eventually realised the only way of getting over her was to live in another town. So I moved home. I rebounded with someone only just on the curvy side, someone my family was able to accept and went back into the closet. But for years I dreamed of opening the closet but only for this "exes sister" no one else. Eventually my partner became pregnant and I remember balling my eyes out when I found out, because I knew I had to let my true love go. I married my partner because she was to be the mother of my child. I stupidly thought this would help me commit. But it didn't after marrying her I found myself trapped even more so when we had or second child, shortly after the first. We were arguing slot and she was vindictive, abusive and emotionally detached. She was nothing like the woman I really loved. I became ill with depression and angst. I was soo angry I punched holes in walls and smashed objects. I wanted a way out. I talked to my love from time to time via email and we both were unable to commit to new relationships, feeling angst upon or unfinished and cut short relationship we so badly desired. Tell me how is this lust? It is yearning for my best friend. I have cried my self to sleep many nights wishing she was there to hold, when my wife told me to roll over and sleep facing away from her. I plan on seeing a shrink but I cannot get over her. I feel like running away with her. But I then feel repulsed at myself for wanting to leave my kids. My wife knows about my love and wants to make it hard for me to be even friends with her she would never let me see my kids if I went with her. But the sad part is I still want to. I am confused and in pain. But not because I don't know what I want. I know what I want but would be selfish and dangerous to take it. Oh my god why did I let myself get this deep in shit?
     
  4. Sep 18, 2016 #44

    roddles

    roddles

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    I am not trying to cause a stir or make enemies. But there have been not many replies concerning my OP. I am just getting bashed about what kind of father and husband I must be. It hurts when I already feel so low about it. I have been contemplating suicide, and it is amazing I haves de it this far without turning towards drugs or alcohol. I can't talk to anyone I know about this, so hoped to get some perspective here.
     
  5. Sep 18, 2016 #45

    Cors

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    I don't think coming out of the closet is a huge issue compared to everything else that is going on, which is why you aren't getting many responses on that. You are an adult now, of course you are going to proudly hold your big girl's hand in public.

    Even young children can pick up on tension at home and one happy parent is better than two fighting parents in an abusive marriage. Your wife deserves a man who is attracted to her and not fantasising about a past love. But your wife and kids would still be devastated at being left. If you already feel guilty and ashamed now, know that it is going to get much worse when you actually separate and start initiating divorce proceedings.

    You realise that relationships in which you leave your spouse for another have a much high chance of failing and for good reasons right?

    How well do you really know this woman? Sure you might have dated previously but six months is not a long time and you guys were much younger and much more carefree then. All the fun dates, sex, romance, no boring routine people inevitably settle into, no real world stuff like bills and kids and in-laws to worry about. Nobody is perfect and it honestly sounds like you are putting her on a pedestal.

    Seven years is a long time and people change. Time also has a way of whitewashing memories and this is especially true when you are looking for an escape from your unhappy marriage. It is too easy to dwell on the bad with your wife, and the good with this other woman and compare the two which is unfair to everyone involved. Are there really no positives with your wife and in your marriage? What could you have done better yourself as a husband and a father? What steps can you take to not make the same mistakes again?

    Relationships are hard work and you won't be going into this with a clean slate. This time you would be going into it with the guilt of divorcing your wife, leaving your children on top of heavy disapproval from her family, perhaps even your own family and friends who will not understand your decision. Now she might have to deal with being labelled a homewrecker on top of dating her sister's ex. Do you think your new relationship can withstand this stress?

    I think that speaking to a therapist is a good idea and you should tell him/her about your suicidal thoughts. And if you have been, or are being abused, you need help instead of fantasising about running away and your children need to be taught that abuse in a relationship is not normal or acceptable. Leaving is a selfish decision and you might always feel terrible about it, but you would probably feel better knowing that you have truly given this marriage your all before calling it quits.
     
  6. Sep 19, 2016 #46

    roddles

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    You still have dismissed the fact that she may be my true love and it's not a fantasy or lust. I guess I do wonder the same thing sometimes like if we were to announce ourselves as a couple, would the waves of the ocean rock the boat too much, etc. But, we both can't stop thinking about each other and we both love each other to the point we can't function.
     
  7. Sep 19, 2016 #47

    fuelingfire

    fuelingfire

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    I haven't read everything you have posted, but I doubt people are not thoughtful about what you are posting. You are getting honest reactions from people. This is just a very polar topic.
     
  8. Sep 19, 2016 #48

    LillyBBBW

    LillyBBBW

    LillyBBBW

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    Roddles these things can and do work out sometimes. A friend I had lost touch with was in a similar situation with her college professor. Eventually they lived happily ever after but not without some severe casualties. You all are grown assed people and can figure your own way along but at the risk of being a tired cliché I'm hand-wringing about the children. You said at one time you were a lousy father? Man, you can't be a lousy assed father here. Somebody here has to knuckle down and be a good person for pete's sake. You have to do something or have a plan. These kids don't have the tools or the agency to tell anyone off, voice their needs, move out, call Maury, etc. You're going to do what you have to do and get whatever it is you want in the end no matter what. Just please make it a priority to be excellent to your kids.
     
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  9. Sep 20, 2016 #49

    roddles

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    I will never turn my back on my kids, and I hope they don't for me in my pursuit of happiness. If my son is gay or has a sexual kink, (as long as it doesn't hurt anybody physically) I will tell him don't hide from who you are son, be yourself, the casualties will only be worse. I have an uncle and I know without a doubt he is gay, but he is unhappily married to this bitch. I am positive she knows, too and is holding it against him by threatening him with shame. I know that because I see similarities there between him and me and her and my wife. (Not comparing gay with FA, but many of the conflicts are similar) I have since left my wife, and feel much happier. I have talked to my lover every night and we have agreed to wait till everything settled down and the divorce is final. She is my true love, she makes me laugh and she is so mature and open minded. She knows full well the risks pursuing me as I do, and we are in for the long haul, there fore willing to do what it takes.
     
  10. Sep 20, 2016 #50

    LarryTheNoodleGuy

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    * deleted due to poster's rudeness *
     
  11. Sep 20, 2016 #51

    roddles

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    Larry, wtf is true love? Isn't it a different experience for everybody? If a person is even lucky enough to experience this love? Who would no better than oneself to know true love when they see it. Sometimes you have to go with your gut feeling despite what your head says. Honestly shut the fuck up the lot of you.

    Admin, please delete this thread before the entire dims population is institutionalised to be narrow minded, self righteous and plain pig headed if not already? There are many people in the world who have masked their sexuality with a normal life to appear normal and the "you made your bed lie in it" attitude provides no hope to other people in the same boat. Just because I want to come out of the closet now and didn't understand or accept my sexuality when I was 16 like apparently everyone else here, Doesnt mean I don't love my kids or have regrets getting married. That was all part of MY journey towards self acceptance. Other lurking members of dims may wish to remain lurking as this thread provides no hope.
     
  12. Sep 21, 2016 #52

    LarryTheNoodleGuy

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    (leaving this angry person to themselves...pizza and love, life is too short.)
     
  13. Sep 21, 2016 #53

    roddles

    roddles

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    I didn't ask for your interpretation of "true love" nor did i ask for advice about parenting or marriage. People just take it upon themselves to act like they know it all. :confused:
     
  14. Sep 21, 2016 #54

    Green Eyed Fairy

    Green Eyed Fairy

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    Keeps on dancing

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    So just to be clear, what exactly were you asking for?
     
  15. Sep 21, 2016 #55

    agouderia

    agouderia

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    Roddles, you came here looking for validation and support in your current predicament.

    The answers you got to your narrative were ones you obviously did not wish to hear. General lesson in life though - if you get a more of less unanimous answer to a question, you should consider it, even though it was not the one you were seeking.

    Views have been exchanged here - no need for an endless personal back and forth - so as mod I'm locking this thread now.
     
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